You have two cows/22

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This article is part of the You have two cows series.

[edit] Category Twenty-two: Television

24: You have to save two cows from evil terrorists. You have to do this within the next twenty four hours, without going to the toilet, going to sleep or eating anything. You'll save the two cows in the end, but not before one of them gets killed.

700 Club: You have two cows. One cow dies from Mad Cow Disease and Pat says it's because that cow didn't oppose gay marriage. He then predicts your other cow will die from a hurricane in the next three months.

The Amazing Race: Eleven Teams of two cows set out on a race around the world. Which team will be eliminated next?

America's Next Top Model: Two cows stand before me, but I only have one photo in my hands.

Angel: You have two cows. One starts getting hurt by visions that the other, some dude named Wess, a Douche Bag, and a green booger, have to answer. Of course another joins and then an evil cow named Jasmine hypnotizes everyone after one cow's son comes up and the vision cow falls into a coma. Then they get an evil company under their control once Spike and Harmony show up to be annoying and funny. Fred gets possessed, the circle of the Black Thorn is dead and it is likely that only four (The Angel cow, Spike, Lorne, and Illyria) are still alive.

The Apprentice: Your cows are fired.

Aqua Teen Hunger Force: Master Shakes steals Frylock's two cows and uses them to terrorize Meatwad. The cows are actually evil spirits who use Satanic powers to fill Carl's pool with period blood.

Arrested Development: There's always two cows in the banana stand.

Arrested Development (2): No touching the cows.

Avatar - The Last Airbender: I need to capture two cows to restore my honor.

Babylon Five: Who are you? A cow. What do you want? Another cow.

BANZAI!: PLAY SUPER HIDDEN COW DETECTOR!!! HOW MANY COWS YOU HAVE? ONE, TWO, THREE OR FOUR COWS? YOU DON'T KNOW? TIME TO BET! BET NOW! BET NOW! TIME UP! WRONG! YOU HAVE TWO COWS! YOU LOSE!!!

Batman (1960's): Robin: Holy rumination, Batman! The Riddler has stolen Aunt Harriet's jewels and left only these two cows as a clue. We'd better milk them.; Batman: Not so fast, my young friend. Always make sure you've sterilized your Bat-gloves before milking.

Batman The Animated Series: Crime boss Rupert Thorne splashes Harvey Dent with sour milk, curdling half his face. Dent goes insane and becomes the villain Two-Cows. Batman spends the rest of the episode blaming himself.

Battlestar Galactica: Two cows were created by man. They rebelled. They evolved. They look, and feel, human. Some are even programmed to think they are human. There are many copies. And they have a Plan.

Battlestar Galactica (again): Dradis contact... it's two cows, sir.

Battlestar Galactica (and again): Fleeing the Cylon tyranny, the last Battlecow, Galactica, leads a rag-tag fugitive herd on a lonely quest: a shining pasture known as Earth.

Beast Wars: The Maximals and Predacons crash on a distant planet. High cud levels and an unnatural concentration of hay force them to take on organic bovine modes.

Beavis & Butt-head: "Whoa, check it out, Beavis...cow boobs (of udders) and those guys are getting milk from them!" "Heh-heh-heh-heh, that's pretty cool, Butt-head...I wish chick boobs did that!"

The Benny Hill Show: You have two cows. They chase you around at a fast pace dressed in naughty underwear while "Yakety Sax" plays in the background.

Bergerac: You have two Jersey cows.

Big Brother: Day 6 in the Big Brother house, and two cows are in the ~~dairy~~diary room.

Black Books: You have two cows. They live in a bookshop. One is a drunken Irish cow, the other has really long hair. The drunken Irish cow mercilessly bullies the long-haired cow whilst simultaneously appearing to harbour some kind of homoerotic crush on it. Meanwhile, there's a mollusk growing on the mouldy George Elliot.

Blackudder: "I have a cunning cow!" "More cunning than the cow what became Professor of Cunning at Oxford?"

Blankity Blank: You have blankity blank, what is the blanks? I'll rephrase. You have blankity blank! Yes you are correct it is you have two cows. You win them

Blossom: You have two cows...okay, one cow. Six is kinda hot. Then you have a "very special episode".

Bones: Two cows don't know what that means.

Boy Meets World: Join two cows Cowry Mathhooves and Graze Hoovter and their best friends as they discover the mysteries of life, love, and milking machines.

Brookside: These two cows you own have already had sex with everyone in the field 7 times, and are about to bury you under a patio now that you are aware of this fact.

Buffy The Vampire Slayer: The great cow demon, Bovinus, has risen, and Buffy and friends must band together again and defeat it. Firstly, though, everyone confronts their relationship issues and hugs. Buffy has sex with a vampire several times or goes out with someone with all the charisma of a man at a moron convention, I forget which. Anyway, Willow and Giles figure out how to kill the cow demon using a complicated spell in Sumerian, Xander makes an inappropriately timed joke, and the season ends with a shot of our heroes enjoying a large barbecue.

Bullseye: You have a bull. He gives away 3 piece suites, speedboats and caravans to people who can play darts and answer questions.

Carnivale: You have two cows. One is travelling with a freak-show and resurrecting dead cows, the other one is a priest possessed by satan. They suddenly try and kill each other and the show ends without any explanaiton.

A Charlie Brown Cow Christmas

Charlie Brown: Linus, what am I gonna do? Everyone's mad at me because I ruined the Christmas pageant.
Linus: Let me tell you about the birth of our Saviour, Jesus Cowrist.

Charmed: The power of two cows will set us free!

Clerks: You have two cows. Now, do you prefer the cow that brings you lasagna at work, but has blown 37 guys...or the cow that treats you like crap and who knows you'll come running back for more? And which "Star Wars" was best?

Cow and Chicken: You have two cows, one which is a whiney seven year old bovine (in a later episode she unages to the age of six for some unknown reason), and another that's a superhero who can only speak Spanish.

Coupling (UK): Same as Friends, only it is less funny.

Coupling (2): You Have 2 Cows. One Cow Feel Through the sock gap and the other one got attacked by the melty man.

Courage the Cowardly Dog: STUPID TWO COWS! You made me look bad...and you shamelessly rip off gags from Looney Tunes.

CSI: You had two cows, one of them is dead of an apparent suicide... But wait, how could she kill herself if she lacks opposable thumbs? The disgusting autopsy reveals that her muscle tissue tastes best when grilled medium rare. All signs point to your other cow, she was the only other creature in the barn, but she doesn't have opposable thumbs either. In the last ten minutes we discover that your cows were part of an underground bestiality ring. Your cow was killed during "rough sex".

CSI Miami: Your two cows suffered the same fate, but were on the beach, so it's different. Horatio takes off his sunglasses several times for no good reason.

CSI New York: Same fate as the CSI Miami cows, except in Central Park, but nobody cares.

Dallas: You had two cows, but J.R. swindled you and now you have none, so you sleep with his wife.

Dallas 2: You had two cows, but someone shot them, and several versions of shooting was made. After ratings fell, one of them stepped out of a shower, and it turns out the cows were never shot.

Deal or No Deal: You have two cows. One of them is worth 5 bucks, the other is worth 1 million. The banker is offering you 260,000 bucks for that million dollar cow.

Deal or No Deal (UK only): You have 22 identical sealed cows, a quarter of a million pounds, and no questions. Except one. Milk or no Milk?

Desperate Housewives: You have five cows. One is red, uptight, and dates psychotics. One is a blonde tramp. One is a small brunette tramp. One is a dingbat. And one is married to that guy from "Fargo".

Dexter's Laboratory: Dee Dee, get those two cows out of my la-bor-a-toree!

Diff'rent Strokes: A white cow adopts two black calves.

Doctor Who: You have two cows. One of them is an alien, and the other one is just there for eye-candy. The two cows travel through time and space together in a small blue cowshed which is a lot bigger on the inside. Both the cows eventually get changed: the first because it was a bit of a thug who wasn't quite quirky enough, the second because it was a ditzy blond that was only ever any good for creating a third cow who is immortal and goes on to star in another show.

Doctor Who (2): You have two cows. They're invading Earth. Again. The Doctor stops them and seemingly wipes them entirely out of existence in such a way as to make it impossible for them to return without completely destroying any credibility they might have. Again.

Drawn Together: You have two cows. Captain Hero has sex with one, while Princess Clara attempts to sacrifice the other to Jesus. In the end its still not funny.

Dragonball Z: You have two cows. To be continued...

Dragon Ball Z: TWO COOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWSSS!!!!!

Dragon Ball Z (again)

You have two super powered cows. They get more powerful when they moo loudly and their hair turns gold.

Goku: "I know I can stop the two cows if I try!"
Vegeta: "It's over NINE THOUSAND COWS!"
Bulma: "I've invented some new cows that can defeat the old cows!"
Oolong: "POOF!" (turns into two cows)
Krillin: "How can we possibly defeat two cows?"
Piccolo: "They must be the most POWERFUL cows in the whole universe!"
Majin Moo: "Yay!" (sends a beam from his tentacle turning Krillin into milk.)
Trunks: "Those two cows are actually androids. In the near future, they'll kill you all..."

Dynasty: You had two cows. In the end, aliens abducted them.

EastEnders : It doesn't matter how many cows you've got, because you're too busy arguing, shouting, and feeling miserable.

ESPN: You have two cows. A half court 3 pointer brings you up to 5.

Everwood: Your two cows bitch about how they hate their parents. This is the basis of every episode.

Everybody Loves Raymond: You have two cows in your own pen, but it is surrounded by neighboring pens filled with obnoxious, abusive, angry cattle who make your own cows so miserable they'd probably kill themselves if they could figure out a method that didn't require opposable thumbs. For some unfathomable reason, other people think this is funny.

The Facts of Life: You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have two cows.

Family Guy: Like the time I had two cows...

Family Guy (again): Lois brings home two cows, causing a ruckus. Stewie smarts off. Peter introduces a non-sequitorial plot element halfway through the episode that can only be solved with a pop-culture reference. Actual jokes are replaced with references to old movies and TV series. Peter accidentally says "D'oh!"

The Fast Show: ...and I had two cows. Which was nice.

Fairly Oddparents: You wish you had two cows, and now you do. Hilarity ensues.

Fawlty Towers: Basil buys two cows in order to stop spending money on milk deliveries. Sybil tells him to get rid of them. Manuel thinks they are "Austrian horned sheepdogs" and teaches them to fetch, but they fetch Sybil's hat and Basil has to keep explaining why he's taking her hat while hiding the cows. In the end, Sybil finds the cows and Basil faints.

Fear Factor: You are going to eat two cows and their feces.

Feed the Children Commercial: For just pennies a day, this impoverished Bolivian child can have two cows. (Sobbing melodramatically) Won't someone please help this child buy two cows?

Firefly: You have two cows stashed aboard your ship. Both are wanted by the Alliance, who will stop at nothing to recover them. You create 14 episodes with an intricate storyline, compelling characters, and perhaps the best Sci-Fi series since Star Trek. FOX decides to air them out of order at random times, and surprisingly you get no ratings.

Firefly (2): Y'all got two cows, dong ma?

Firefly (3): You have two cows. They're the best cows ever. They get no ratings and a fox eats them.

The Flintstones: You'll have a gay old time with your two cowasaurs.

Foyle's War: You have two cows. The first cow murders the second one, but when DCI Foyle tracks her down it turns out that the first cow is essential to the British war effort, so he has to let her go.

Friends: You have three cows and three bulls, all hot, all neurotic. They engage in self-absorbed mooing over coffee and mate with each other, and with cows from other farms, before finally making up their minds whom to stick with.

Futurama: Bite my two shiny metal cows' asses!

The Generation Game: You see two cuddly toy cows on the conveyor belt.

The Gilmore Girls

Rory: HowwasyourdatewithMaxlastnight?
Lorelai: Well...
Rory: Nogorydetails.
Lorelai: LikeI'veeversharedthatpartofmyrelationshipwithyou!
Rory: You'vealluded, you'veinsinuated, you'vetiptoedtothebrinkofimpropriety.
Lorelai: Wow. Someprettybigwordsthere.
Rory: Iknow. Andyoutotallyhavetwocows.

The Golden Girls: You have two old, oversexed cows who live in Florida.

The Goodies: You have two ~~gibbons~~ cows. You and your two mates hatch a crazy scheme to profit from them. You fail in the end, but one viewer laughs so hard that he dies of a heart attack.

Green Acres: Mr. Haney tries to sell you two giraffes, claiming they are two cows.

Grey's Anatomy: You have two cows, who gradually become more self-pitying and dramatic each season. However, one of the cows has really great hair.

Heroes: You have two cows. One has advanced to the next stage of bovinity, while the other goes around hunting other cows while stealing their superior milking abilities. At the end of the first season, one of the cows explodes and appears inexplicably in Ireland.

Heroes (2): You have a dozen cows, each with special abilities. One gets killed off every so often, but they don't really die because the cow that can time travel can meet them in the past and many of the others can heal themselves. Every so often, new cows are introduced but you like the old cows better. You can't keep track of all the cows. You get sick of the psuedo-philosophical stuff the Indian one says all the time. To be continued...

Home Improvement: We'll be right back with these messages from Cowford!

House: You have two cows. One cow has splotches on his leg, and feels sick. Suddenly, the other cow contracts a mysterious illness. You spend the entire show medicating the second cow for fourteen different illnesses, making the problem worse each time. You send Foreman out to the pasture to discover the farmer changed the manure type and it was an allergy all along. Anal bleeding appears spontaneously. Oh, and you act like a complete arsehole, punch out colleagues, and get arrested.

House (2): You have two cows, both are sick, its not lupus.

I Love Lucy: You have two cows. The redheaded cow gets the older, fatter, blonde cow into a crazy scheme, which their two bulls always find out about.

I'm Alan Partridge: SMELL MY TWO COWS, YOU MOTHER!

Invader Zim: You have two cows. One is trying to take over the world, but fails due to lack of foresight. The other trys to Prove that the first is an alien, but fails due to everyone thinking he is insane. You have two more cows in the background, one of which is moody and unbearably Gothic, the other of which is small, metallic and has more than two pigs.

The IT Crowd: Hello, IT. Have you tried turning the cows off and on again?

Jackass: Bam Margera uses two cows to terrorize his parents, Steve-O screws a cow, Johnny Knoxville artificially inseminates a cow, Brandon DiCamillo talks with a funny cow-accent and Chris Pontius has a cow wearing nothing but a thong.

Jeopardy: ANSWER: It's the number of cows you have. QUESTION: What is two?

Jericho: You have two cows. Someone nukes all the surrounding paddocks and the two cows must learn to survive cut off from the world. The deaf cow is hot.

Jerry Springer: You have two cows and the mother of the two cows is sleeping with the cows' bulls, both of them!

Joey: Cow two doin'?

Kim Possible: You have two cows. One is the heroine with red hair, the other is a villain with black hair who dresses in green. You really want them to wear less clothing and start kissing each other.

King of the Hill: You have two cows. Yep. Yep. Yep. Mmm-hmm.

Law & Order: In the cowminal justice system, the livestock are represented by two separate, yet equally important, cows.

Law & Order (again): You have two cows. Cow 1 killed 17 children. Then a cop comes and yells at Cow 2. Cow 2 goes to prison.

Late Show: You have two cows. Monkey! Paul Shaffer! Two cows, Paul. Hehehehe... two cows.

Legends of the Hidden Temple: You have two cows. First, run to the wall. Climb the large stone blocks and chains to reach the top. Then, drop your first cow into the basket. Then it's your partner's turn! Your partner will climb the other wall to try to drop their cow into the basket. The first team to get both cows into the basket--or the team who is furthest along in thirty seconds--wins and gets the half-pendant of life.

Little Britain: You have two cows, they churn out the same old sour tasting milk week after week.

Little Britain (again): You have two bulls, and they keep dressing up as cows or gay bulls.

Lost: You and a bunch of people with conveniently interesting backgrounds are stranded on an island with two ~~polar bears~~ cows.

Lost (again): You have two polar bears. You shouldn't.

Lost (yet again): You have two new cows. Next week you are given two newer cows, and two more the week after that. After a few weeks, instead of getting two new cows again, you are given the first pair again. Then the second pair again. You keep getting old cows until you go batfuck insane and kill a bunch of people.

Lost (yet again, again): You have 4,815,162,342 cows. You have no fucking clue where they came from, but they seem to be bad.

Lost In Space: Warning! Warning! Two Cows approaching! Danger, Will Robinson!

The Love Boat: Two cows come onboard. One falls in love with Julie, but she learns from Captain Stubbing that the cow made fun of Gopher, so she breaks up with it. The other cow meets Charo and they leave the ship engaged to be married.

MAD TV: He look-a like two cows. (Repeat 400 times per episode)

M*A*S*H: Two cows are fighting. One is a commie, one is not. Jokes are funny. Martinis are cheap, Army food sucks and War is Hell. Hawkeye says all the jokes and takes all the Martinis. The cows are eaten in the Mess while a crazy soldier asks for sanctuary....did I say that War is Hell?

Malcolm In The Middle: You have four cows, one of them is married and living away from home, now you're having another cow, even though you can't control the cows you have.

Married with Children: Yu used to play high school football. Now you sell shoes to women who weigh as much as two cows.

Metalocalypse: Nathan Explosion: New Song Title for our Farm Music album: "Slaying Two Cows with High Voltage Kitchen Utensils".

That Mitchell and Webb Look: Two cows? That's Numberwang!

Monday Night Football: This week, we select two players to go on the cow-trailer!

Monday Night Football (2): Are your two cows ready for some football?

Monty Python's Flying Circus: And now for something completely bovine.

Monty Python 2: Nobody expects two cows!

MXC: "Yeah, here's where he went wrong, Vic. He fell off the two cows. He should've stayed on. Then he would've won."; "Right you are, Ken."

MXC 2: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull, only for the bull to gore you in the crotch, which calls for an MXC Impact Replay.

Monk: I don't think your two cows did it, and by interpreting minutiae, I can prove you did.

Mr. Ed: You have two cows. Ed is jealous. On Christmas Eve, when the cows are on their knees, Ed comes up behind them and whacks them with a bat. You explain to your wife that although Ed cannot talk, he can act.

MTV: You used to have two cows, but now you just have a bunch of shows about cars and celebrities.

My Name is Earl: You have two cows, but you stole them. Time to cross that one off the list.

My Mother the Cow: Your deceased mother comes back in the body of a cow and offers you advice.

Mystery Science Theater 3000: You build two cows out of random parts. They sit next to you in the theater and help you riff on Z-grade flicks.

Mystery Science Theater 3000 (again): You have two cows. They maroon you in space and force you to watch cheesy moo-vies.

Mystery Science Theater 3000 (a third time): You have two cows. Crow: Oh, how Original!

Never Mind The Buzzcocks: You have 1 fat cow, 1 crazy bearded cow, 4 "Celebrity" cows and 1 extremely sarcastic, harsh cow. They discuss music and actually manage to be funny.

Nip Tuck: You want to improve a cow's live by giving her a breast lift. You fall for another cow and have sex until the ads. After the ads, you wake up late. You leave in a hurry, but the first cow has left the clinic. When you get home, the second cow is gone because somehow she believed you are cheating her with a patient. You should work extra hours on a nose job to afford a third cow.

NYPD Blue: You have two foul-mouthed, naked cows.

The O.C.: You have no cows. You see one you want and spend half a year trying to steal it off the person who has it. As soon as you get it, you become bored with it and instantly notice a second cow you want so you ditch the first one. However you soon become bored with this cow too so you go back to the first cow. This pattern continues for several years.

The Office: You have two cows. One of them gives an inappropriate comment to the other. There is an awkward silence followed by a change in the subject. This cycle repeats several times. Usually something really funny will happen that will have everyone talking at work tomorrow.

The Office 2: You pull a prank on an office-mate by putting his two cows in jello.

The Office 3: You have a cow and it is very funny. Americans copy the cow. Now there are countless online debates over which cow is funnier.

Primeval: 2 cow-o-sauruses come through a time portal, and a team of paleocowogists must destroy them.

Prison Break: You have two cows. They act mysterious all the time, when really, they just can't act.

The Prisoner: You have two cows in a strange place called The Barn. One cow used to be a spy. The other cow demands information from the first cow, and is frequently replaced by new cows, all calling themselves "The New Number 2". Nothing makes sense.

Pokemon: You have two cows, but they're nothing like their own game.

QI: Stephen Fry: How many cows do you have?; Alan Davies: (Presses buzzer, which sounds like a moo) Two.; The buzzers go off and TWO flashes on the screen.; Stephen Davies: Of course you haven't got two cows. You actually have seven.; Alan Davies: Well then why do they always say "You have two cows"?; Stephen Fry: Because the original scientists who discovered that you have cows forgot to count the other field, so they only counted two and not seven.

Quantum Leap: You had two cows, but they leapt into the body of your chickens. Now they must stop your goose escaping before you can have two cows again.

Real World/Road Rules Challenge: You have two cows, your cows try to cross a tight-rope while being shot at with water cannons. Afterwards, the two cows fight, get naked in a hot tub, call each other "sluts", then battle each other in a pit of snakes and kiss and hug each other goodbye as one leaves.

Red Dwarf: You want to start a farm on Fiji with two cows and breed horses.

Red Dwarf 2: I am Holly, the ship's computer with an IQ of 6,000. That's the IQ of 6,000 cows.

Red Dwarf: Beat the Geek: You have two cows. Both are named Holly.

Rescue 911

"This is 911 what is your emergency?" "I HAVE TWO COWS!!"

The Rosie O'Donnell Show: You have one cow.

Saturday Night Live: You have two cows. They need more cowbell.

Saxondale: Dude, you are an ex-roadie turned cow-exterminator struggling with anger management issues. Each week a cow dies under the wheels of your Mustang Mach 1 and/or Renault Kangoo (not kangaroo).

Scrubs: There are two cows. One's a newbie, and the other wants to eat pizza and have sex with everyone.

Sex and the City: There are four cows wandering around in a big city. After 8 seasons, no bull fulfills their dreams and the cows die alone.

Seinfeld: Jerry earns two cows. During the night, Kramer comes in his apartment and takes one home, where he breaks her inner mechanisms. Jerry's door was left open and the other cow escapes. In the morning, George asks Jerry if he can have one of Jerry's cows. The negative answer makes George scream. Nobody cares about Elaine.

Sesame Street: This article is sponsored by the letters "C", "O", "W", and "S", and by the number "2".

That '70s Show: You have two cows. One cow constantly threatens to kick the other cow's ass.

The Shield: You have two cows. Nobody cares.

The Simpsons 2: You have two cows. They are yellow.

The Simpsons 3: You have two cows. They jumped the shark as of 1997.

The Simpsons 4

Homer: Mmmmm ... cows.
Bart: You had two cows. Don't have another cow, man!
Mr. Burns: You have two cows. Eeeexcellent!
Nelson: You have two cows. Everyone else in your class at school has three cows. Ha-ha! You're poor!
Comic Book Guy: Worst. Cow. Ever.
Bart 2: Don't have two cows, man.
Homer 2: You have two cows. They're just a little slimy. They're still good, they're still good!
Ralph Wiggum: When I grow up I'm going to Bovine University.
Lisa Simpson: You have two cows. Set them free and make a salad!
Apu: Don't have two cow's man
Moe: Is Anne Udder To-Suck here? Hey everybody, I'm lookin' for Anne Udder To-Suck! (Everyone laughs at him) Why you little--! If I ever catch you, I'm gonna tie you in between two cows an' pull yer innards apart!

The Sopranos

Tony Soprano: Just who do you think you are coming in here breaking my balls with two cows??
Carmella Soprano: Jesus Christ, Tony, can't you just have two fucking cows? Is that too much to ask?!
Dr. Melfi: How do those two cows make you feel?
Junior Soprano: Ah, fuck you. Your father never had two cows.
Christopher: Who the fuck do these cows think they are saying they're "gangster"? I'm gangster. I'm old school.
Livia Soprano: You know your father never had two cows. Oh, he was a saint.

The Sopranos 2: You have two--(screen cuts to black, credits roll)

Smallville: You have two cows, but only one of them of them is planet Krypton; they have a bad relationship.

South Park

Oh my god, those two cows killed Kenny! You bastards!

Cartman: Aw c'mon you guys! I was so close to completing my bovine solution!!! I hate you guys, so very, very much...
Towlie: Don't forget to bring two cows!

Speed Racer: I'vegottagettomytwocowsbeforeit'stoolateohmygoshthere'sanobstacleupaheadwhatisitit'samilkpailholycowI'vegottaavoidit

Spitting Image: You have two funny-looking latex cows that make fun of Thatcher.

Spongebob Squarepants: BAAAAAAHAHAHAHAA! Wait, that's it, Patrick! We have two cows!

Spongebob Squarepants (2): You have two cows. They drown.

Square One TV: "Mathman, your mission is to eat only numbers equal to the number of cows you have. When you encounter a number you will have until the count of 3 to make your decision. And beware the voracious Mr. Glitch. He will eat YOU if you are wrong!" Mathman, mathman, mathman- GLING! "Yup, it's 3!" *eats 3* BRRAAAAAMMMP... "Uh-ooohhh..." MATHMAN! MATHMAN! MATHMAN! MATHMAN! MATHMAN! MATHMAN! MATH- Beeeaaaaaooooowwww. GAME OVER.

Stargate SG-1: You have two cows. One provides instantaneous transport to other planets. How this is possible is described in every episode, but you still don't understand.

Star Trek: You have two cows. You replicate meat instead and have the cows pilot your shuttle craft.

Star Trek (again): He just kept talking in one long incredibly unbroken cow moving from udder to udder so that no one had a chance to interrupt, it was really quite hypnotic.

Star Trek (yet again): Don't. You. See? It. Doesn't. Matter. That One. Of You. Is Black. With White Spots. And the Other. Is White. With Black Spots. You're. Both. COWS. If you. Keep fighting. Soon. There Will Be. No. Cows. Left.

Star Trek (and still again): Perhaps someday you will learn that having two cows is not the same as wanting two cows.

Star Trek (once again): You have two cows. One of them has red spots and will wander into a slaughterhouse.

Star Trek (so very tired): You have two cows. They are involved in some nonsensical transporter accident. You now have one cow with six legs and two heads. Spock has to suppress his emotions, and Kirk falls in love.

Star Trek (oh my god, when is this ever going to end!): The two cows you bought are multiplying. They're eating all our wheat, and god dammit I think I just stepped on one.

Star Trek: The Next Generation: The two cows are now part of the crew and try to learn what it means to be human. They spend a lot of time pulling their uniforms down over their udders.

Star Trek: Deep Space Nine: The cows now serve on a space station. It's considered "landmark" since the black cow is now a captain!

Star Trek: Voyager: The cows are lost in the Delta Quadrant, but ratings sag until a blonde supermodel in a jumpsuit is added to the crew.

Star Trek Enterprise: In this episode, they explain how the two cows from the old Classic Trek met for the first time.

Superfriends: Great Neptune! There's more than one cow up there. I've got to find out how many there are, and fast! I've got just one chance. I'll have to use my aquatic telepathy to ask the fish how many cows there are.; Narrator: Instantly, the Superfriends spring into action!

Super Milk Chan: You have two cows. One screams "You dumbass!" every fifteen seconds; the other one farts and whines about meeting her daddy. Both get shitcanned despite Cartoon Network's best efforts to convince its deranged viewers that they are really, really funny.

Supernatural: You have two cows. They road trip around the country in an old 60s muscle car in search of the evil, yellow-eyed cow that killed all sorts of other cows by pinning them to ceilings, slashing their midsections, and burning them. One cow is a headbanging smart-ass, and the other, an emo 'chosen one' (along with many other cows), as chosen by The Yellow-Eyed Cow.

Survivor: Next week on Survivor: Which of these three cows will be voted off in the final of this series!? Who will make it to the final two cows?

Take the High Road: You have two Highland cows.

Teen Titans: You have two cows. One stops giving milk when you hurt its feelings, and the other releases an evil dragon from a book because he told her she was pretty. You consider selling both and buying bulls.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Cowsabunga!

Three's Company: You pretend to be a gay bull so you're allowed to share a pen with two cows. Even so, the farmer overhears a snippet of conversation and mistakenly assumes you're having sex with them. You fall down a lot; sadly, that's the best part of the show.

Torchwood: You have two cows. One cow can never die. The other has a big gap in its teeth.

Torchwood (2): You have two cows. Captain Jack flirts with one of them. The other one is carrying a psychic strain of VD which it uses to infect men, whose penises eventually turn into weapons which kill women in as gruesome a fashion as possible and which can only be destroyed in such a way as to generate the most amount of angst for the Torchwood team. Because it's adult and edgy.

Transformers: You have two cows that can reassemble themselves into two giant robots.

Transformers: Animated: You have two teams of transforming cows that come to Earth and fight over a magic Rubik's Cube. People point out their enormous chins.

Transformers: Animated (2): "I am Wreck-Gar! I have two cows!"

Transformers: Animated (3): "This is why I hate cows..."

Traveler: You have three cows. One cow is a terrorist, and there is only evidence you have two cows. The government wants to kill your two cows, and so they go on the run, leaving you with no cows.

The Twilight Zone: You're on a passenger jet and see two cows on the wing, but everyone thinks you're insane.

Twin Peaks: Damn good milk!

Twin Peaks, alternative: Your two cows are dead...wrapped in plastic.

Unhappily Ever After: You have two cows. One is your wife whom you never quite got divorced from. The other is her locoweed-addled mother. Both are cut from the show because everyone would rather ogle your hot scantily-clad daughter.

The Venture Bros.: You have two cows. Your style of ranching routinely exposes them to wolves, aliens, mad cow disease, etc., so you keep several clone cows in the shed just in case.

The West Wing: The cows somehow push through a universal health care plan, higher taxes, and Federally-funded abortion through a conservative GOP Congress, while making witty retorts and talking very fast.

Whose Line is it Anyway?: You have two cows. They quickly pretend to be goats.

Whose Line is it Anyway? (2): Everything's made up and the two cows don't matter. That's right, the two cows are just like the Queen of England.

Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?: You have two cows. You use one of them to Phone A Friend and win $32,000.

Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?: You have two cows. Is that your final answer?

Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?: You have two cows. WHO WANTS TO BE A MOOLIONAIRE!!!!!

The Wiggles: Look everyone, it's our old friend, Captain Feathercow. Let's say 'Ahoy there, Captain Feathercow!'"

Will & Grace: You have two annoying cows living in a flat together. One is a gay man so they have to make lots of gay jokes. You shoot yourself.

Will & Grace (addendum): The annoying straight cow and the annoying gay man cow have two cows. They are even more shrill, grating and hideously unlikeable than the first two cows. You shoot them, then yourself.

Without a Trace: Your two cows go missing, one of the FBI agents investigating the case is forced to remember a painful incident from their past involving cows. Turns out the cows were abducted by the creepy doorman's mother's cat, and not your shady business partner like you thought in the first 20 minutes.

Wonderfalls: You have two plastic cows. They tell you how to live your life through cryptic messages.

Xena: Warrior Princess: You have two cows. They wander around Ancient Greece beating guys up and engaging in homoerotic subtext, but it turns out that they aren't actually lesbians. All the real lesbians in the audience feel really let down.

The X-Files: You have an 20' something FBI agent who's has an obsession with the cows from outer space who kidnapped his sister when he was a kid. And he's telling everyone that "The Cows are out there".

The X-Files (again): Two cows meet in a lonely parking lot, late at night. One tells the other of a government conspiracy that his father took part in. The other, frustrated and in denial, pours his angst into the pursuit of a third cow with psychic abilities who has been murdering sheep all across New England. He works at the FBI, where everyone is mean and skeptical.

The X-Files (once again)

A mother and her child are murdered by two cows in New Hampshire, despite the fact that those two cows died long ago. Mulder explains the process of reincarnation to Scully, who responds skeptically. At the end, Mulder is right, but no one believes him.

Mulder: "You have to believe my Scully! Men died for those two cows!"
Scully: "I just don't see how two cows could have possibly learned voodoo."
The Smoking Man: "Don't toy with me Mulder. I've watched cows die."

X-Play: Adam and Morgan give a 4 to the new "Two Cows" game for X-Box.

X-Play 2: X-Play gives Bovine Adventure for the 360: two cows, *insert cheap sound effect*, out of five.

X-Play 3: Here we go with yet ANOTHER two cows game set in WWII.

Xiaolin Showdown: Quick! A new Shen-Gong-Moo has just revealed itself! It's called the 'Two-Cow Tunic!'

The Young Ones

Rick: Neil... Are these cows South African?
Vyv: Oy! What we need is a large consignment of very hard cows.
Neil: I though you'd just like to know that my two cows aren't having a really good time you guys.
Mike: Alright. I've got a plan. Neil? You get the two cows. Everyone else? Come with me.
Alexei: I've not always been mad, y'know, but um... I was actually driven mad by the indifference of architecture and council planners. Y'see I live in a tower block, and um, the thing about those is that there's terrible noise problems, because there's no noise insulation at all y'know, and 8 floors below you there's always some bastard who's got a Yamaha home organ, y'know. You're just about to go to sleep and you hear this doot-doot! chh-chh doot-doot! chh-chh chkdt BAH WA DAH BAH NAOW! doot-doot! chh-chh doot-doot! chh-chh! and like, the people who live upstairs from me, I can't understand what they're doing! Y'know I listen, and all I can hear is this weird noise and it goes voom voom, BLAT-NN BLAT-NN, voom voom, BLAT-NN BLAT-NN, and it sounds, right, it sounds like two cows on a motorbike riding round and round, while a seal bangs a kipper on the table! I went upstairs to complain, and the door was answered by this cow in a crash helmet! Standing behind him is this seal going "WHAT IS IT NOW, RALPH?"

Uncyclopedia presents: the You have two cows anthology!
	1. Analysis 2. Anime 3. Bovine Quotes 4. Cowmedy 5. Emootions 6. Endings 7. Famous Cows	8. Groups 9. This cow does not exist 10. In the Moos 11. Language of Cows 12. Literature 13. Moosical Moovements 14. Moovies	15. Non-Video Games 16. People 17. Politicowl Junk 18. Programming Languages 19. Religion 20. Software 'n Such 21. Sound of Moo-sic	22. Television 23. Travel 24. Video Games 25. World and Web of Cows 26. You Have n Cows 27. Science 28. Moodicine
`“You have two cows. You have two cows. You two have cows. You have two cows. You have two cows.”` `~ Philip Glass on You have two cows`