Worst 100 Video Game Systems of All Time

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

"Hey girls, get a load of my Nintendex !"

~ Bill Gates

When life gives you apples, you always get a rotten one. The same goes for video game consoles, some company decides to perform some huge 'miracle' in video game systemery and always ends up flopping. Thus, from the somewhat mushy minds of Uncyclopedia, we present the worst 100 video game systems of all time.

DISCLAIMER: Yes, we do realise that most of this article is one gaint sexual inuedno after another, but when you really think about it, so is your mother.

Contents:  100-91 • 90-81 • 80-71 • 70-61 • 60-51 • 50-41 • 40-31 • 30-21 • 20-11 • 10-1

[edit] 100-91

100. Nintendo 1

A 1-bit system released by Nintendo in 1944 (then called Econex Systematic European War Corporation). Initially, the hype for the system was huge, until it was realized that one was supposed to 'plug' their system into an electrical outlet, which cost $1,000 to install in a household. That, along with the 75 lb weight of the system, and its 10 minute loading and heating time, flopped the project.

99. Campbells Classic Superconsole

When kids started to get tired of soup after 1980, Campbells attempted to increase the awareness of the healthiness of soup through the video game craze. Powered by Campbells soup (though illegal expansions allowed it to be run by other generic, and cheaper, brands), the console was a success at first. Once the Video Game Crash occurred, and a press release stating that the soup used by the Superconsole would gain lethal levels of lead, the system was immediately trashed.

98. Matroesjka's

A video system created by a group of prostitutes in Belgium in 1992. Proved to be extremely unpopular when introduced to American public schools due to its complex name and provocatively shaped video game cartridges.

97. 3.1Box

The fourth video game system released by Microsoft in 1988. The video game system was a secret testbed for Windows 3.1. Bill Gates mistook the number of sales '1.3' as '1.3 million', and thus released Windows 3.1 for standard computers.

96. Square

A system built by an anonymous sock puppet that was simply a square. It included no electronics. Through phony advertisements on the internet and television, the system sold 2 million consoles. By the 2,000,001st customer, people realized that their systems didn't work. The sock puppet ran off with his money to create a real video game system. (see Playstation)

95.5. Cummodore Shexshtay-Whore

Designed with the prostitute in mind, was used by numerous clients to attract prostitutes to play video games with them. Most of the clients turned out to be video game nerds, and, even with the system, prostitutes were not happy to comply. The system was trashed after 47 days on the market.

95. The Spammer

A video game system developed and released in 2000 by an advertisement company. The system asks for your personal information, credit card and debit card information, under the false pretense that one will receive 'the best video games the eastern hemisphere has to offer'. Only one person bought it, the owner of the company, which led to him suing his co-workers.

94. Virtual Girl

A video game console released by the adult-sector of Nintendo, providing a virtual sexual experience with a woman. Due to painful headaches caused by the virtual girl's complaints about one's sexual impotence and the lack of a 'hole' led this to be merely something to jack-off to.

93. Virtual Boy

A video game console released by the adult-sector of Nintendo, providing a virtual sexual experience with a man. The system was extremely unpopular due to its portrayal of men in a lazy state, sitting on a couch drinking beer while watching television. Women would have to 'flash their stuff' at the VB's camera (must be connected to a phone line), although this did little to the character as it would only state 'Thanks for the photo!'.

92. Captain Kirk's Crazy Console

A video game console released in 1968 in relation to the Star Trek craze. Proved to be unpopular due to the cliche video games involving Star Trek plots and extremely long load-times (said by Trekkies to go at 'The speed of a Gorn frigate pulling a Fesarius with disabled warp core.')

91. Nintendex

In an attempt to beat Sony, which created the Playstation, Nintendo teamed up with Atarix (which was Atari which merged with American Express) to create a new upgrade for the Nintendo 64: the Nintendex . The system utilized one 64 bit processor and an Atarix processor. When people realized that the Atarix processor would instantly blow up when being used with old Nintendo 64 games, Wal Mart recorded a record amount of returns (next to their 'clearance' days).

[edit] 90-81

90. Visual Boy

The game console that resulted in the deaths of many young nerds, who never realised that they were walking into a road/lampost/Meat Tenderiser. Truly a Despicably evil creation.

89. A-Box

An ancestor of the X-Box. It is oo unbearably huge that it could crush a small boy if not handled properly, and overheated so much that use of one for over a few hours would most definitely result in an explosion of thermonuclear proportions.

88. Game Boy .1

A newer version of the virtual boy in the active state but one problem: the battery died in 1.5 minutes. Only one game, WarioWare, was developed for it.

87. Sega Revalation

To try and make up for the previous failures of the Saturn and the Dreamcast, Sega went back to its roots with the Sega Apocalypse. It was later revealed that the console was simply a bomb set to go off as soon as the words "Shadow the Hedgehog sure is a whiny bastard," were spoken. Inevitably, thousands of lives have been lost.

86. Sega Genesis

A console that could simulate the beginning of everything. Due to lack of RAM, the main plot and climax of video games could not be programmed.

85. Atari Kitten

The Atari Kitten wasn't released, but it was the Atari Jaguar's prototype. And as we all know, the Atari Jaguar sucked, despite having semi 3D graphics. (And having Alien vs. Predator)

84. 4D OH!

That's what they thought when they realized that science is fake; there are no dimensions. There is only god.

83. Common Bore Pet

An early pet simulator. It simulated everything about a pet. EVERYTHING. It was literally Sh*tty.

82. Dream Cast

The Dream Cast was supposed to let you play games in your dreams. The only problem was that nobody wanted to break their leg to play it.

81. Atari NINE THOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUSSSANNNNNND!!!!!1!!!11!!!!11111!!!!

In an attempt to work on the internet meme, Atari introduced this console to the public after the famous YouTube video reached 9000 comments. Less than 90 have sold.

[edit] 80-71

80. The Pen and Paper

Although games like Tic-Tac-Toe, and drawing little boxes remains popular to this day, the sales of the Pen and Paper system were very low as a game playing medium. The company folded this segment but had huge success in legal Pen and Paper and the Notes home to Mommy and/or Notes Home to my Gal Betty departments.

79. Chicken Fried Xbox

An Xbox that is fried with chicken, developed by Macrosoft. Not recommended for dieting.

78. Game Girl Color

A glitch caused this console to only display pink, red, and purple colors, so it put its player's eyes a painful strain, thus it never succeeded in the gaming market.

77. B-Box

Another ancestor of the X-Box, it was made small for the safety of little boys, since its older counterpart A-Box was whale-sized. However, its CPU was limited at a speed of 7hz, a RAM of 8 kb, and could only handle a 1 button controller.

76. Game Station

Developed by YNOS Entertainment, it was the most advanced game console until 2001. It has a 17 GHZ CPU, 1024 MB RAM, 4 controller slots, a built-in flashlight, soda dispenser, cable TV, built-in stove, 3-slot toaster, tropical fish aquarium, automatic hair comber, machine gun bunker, and an automatic poo sling to ward off thieves. Its extra unnecessary features made this weigh 6 tons and it's heavy price tag of $13,371,337 USD because the game console's downfall.

75. X-Box180

This console failed in the market since a glitch in the assembly line cuts the console in half. The cost to fix the glitch and the refunds Macrosoft had to pay exceeded billions, but they only managed to pay for half of it.

74. Human

This console is capable of playing games such as Tag, Hide and Seek, Ghost in the Graveyard, and best of all, it has the potential to invent new games. It earned this rank for being the least graphically advanced console, and lack of one-player games.

73. Windoes v3

A personal computer developed in 1945 by Macrosoft. Windoes was popular for its ability to create games with knowledge of programming, and play the millions of text adventures available because of this, if the user can navigate through the jungles overgrown with error messages.

72. GAMETIME (Gruesomely Assembled Mediocre Entertainment That I Most Execrate)

GAMETIME , built by FunGames (rumored to be run by 8-year olds), earned its place in this list since FunGames could only afford to use popsicle sticks, glue, staples, duct tape, paper clips, glue sticks, and discarded shoe laces to make their game console. Few reports say that customers found dog excrement in the packaging.

71. Nintendo QS (Quadruple Screen)

This infamous game console caused players to make their eyes wander in a circle, causing plays to eventually collapse in dizziness.

[edit] 70-61

70. C-Box

Just like the A-box, and B-Box, it is an ancestor of the X-Box. This time, Microsoft built it normal sized, but because of the unpopularity of its other two older counterparts, the only game made for it was Tamacrotchi, which simulated everything about a player's pet, while the player's goal was to breed 1 hundred pets.

69. Virtu-Babe

A simulator of sexual experiences with women, based off of Virtual Girl. The company solved the fact that it lacked a 'hole' by adding a 'controller', however it was too wide, and it was a serious health risk for perverted consumers since it also simulated STD's.

68. Commiedor 1917

Invented in the Soviet Union by Russian scientists. This console had huge sales in the USSR due to its unforgettable solgan, 'in Soviet Russia, Console play YOU!' However it was the only console available in the USSR so there was not much choice in the matter. Because of this it failed to make any sales in the west due to crummy graphics, lazy progamming, and bad games like 'GTA Moscow' and 'Super Stalin Bros'.

67. Babbage Co. WonderDrive

Considered by contemporary gamers to be many decades - even centuries - ahead of its time, the Wonderdrive was undoubtedly the console to have during the middle years of the 19th Century. Revolutionary rotating-drum graphics brought game play to life and the stylish lever-operated controls gave full control over game characters. Within a year of introduction, over three titles were available on the then cutting-edge Jacquard Loom type punched card format, the most successful of which was Tetris. Unfortunately, even the fact that Queen Victoria installed a WonderDrive at Balmorral was not enough to prevent the device's demise, a fate that was hastened due to its sheer weight - being made of gun metal, brass and wrought iron and being the size of a large room, it weighed over 200 tons even without memory expansion packs.

66. The iGameconsole

Created by Apple to rival the PS3 and the X-Box 360, this console could do just about anything. It was a DVD player, a music player, a toaster, a internet surfer, a camera, a microwave, a shower, a cheese grater, a drinks despenser, A ThermoNuke, A Magazine rack, a keyboard, an electronic libary, A GAYDAR, and much, much more., all for £1000,000,000,000. oh, and it was also a very hard to use shitty games console.

65. The Outdoors

Argued by some to not even be a game console, the Outdoors consisted almost entirely of fresh air and excercise, with next to no gratuitous violence. Ultimately flopped on the market back when the NES came out.

64. Sony Praystation

Was released by Mel Gibson at the same time as The Passion of the Christ, to capture the 18-35 y.o. annoying Christian geek demographic. Sales failed miserably due to the inclusion of the "Tomb Raider - Resurrection" game (which only lasted 3 days before the disk disappeared from its package), and an Aramaic instruction booklet.

63. Rubik's Gamecube

With assembly taking anywhere between 7.4 seconds and the end of time (unless you simply peel off the stickers in frustration, and reattach), this Hungarian system was released in the early 80's to wide acclaim in the East - and suspicion in the West. Available to be purchased in 519,024,039,293,878,272,000 possible configurations, none of which contain an extra controller.

62. Nintendo Uss

Early prototype for the Nintendo Wii, developed during the mid 1990s. Was immediately taken out of production, as players would often end up flinging the console across the room and smashing their TV screens (the controller was connected to the console by a thick iron chain). Games included "Super Mario Error Screen", "The Legend of Zelda - Link's Awful Graphics" and "Super Smashed Television Screen".

61. Atari Brick

The first ever handheld games console, released in 1981. Due to its large size, and a complete lack of graphics/screen/batteries/any circuitry at all, players used to simulate playing "Pong" by throwing their Atari Bricks at each other. Toxteth O'Grady, U.S.A., broke the 1982 world record for "longest time spent playing on an Atari Brick" for 72 hours. He lost all his teeth in the process.

[edit] 60-51

60. The Nintendo Middle Finger

Nintendo released this system in -2692 AD. Unfortunately, due to the vast majority of complaints, the system was only released in France. They declared war on Japan for this, but the war lasted only -5 minutes, as France surrendered 5 minutes before the Japanese nuked them. Unfortunately, The nukes were launched, and blew up 169.8% of Poland, Killing Kenny. Everyone soon forgot it, and the Nintendo middle finger, which wore like a glove, was also soon forgotten. This System also caused 60 to flee in offense.

59. Microsoft Fusion

After realizing that they were a bunch of corparate bastards Microsoft decided to flash their green credentials by releasing a console powered by nuclear fusion. Most complains came from the infamous 'green ring of death' which resulted in nuclear meltdown. Other problems included the disposal of the fuel rods and the size of the console (400 sq feet). However most critics agree when the console was not killing you with radiation the games such as Halo 4: the hunt for more money, were enjoyable.

58. Microsoft Shit-box

After the monumental success of the Microsoft Fusion, Microsoft decided that enough was enough, and decided to fuck with their consumers a little. The Shit-box is exactly what you'd expect. A box, filled with shit, sitting at your front door. Oddly, 97% of its sales came from George Dubya Bush, considering he likes to throw shit like monkeys.

57. Al Qaeda Gamecube

We had to guess at this console's place in this list, since nobody lived to write a review of this mysterious console.

56. Sticks and Stones

A caveman's favorite. Slightly outdated today.

55. HackStation

Specifically made to run Nethack. A typical game goes like this:

Hello, (name), welcome to Nethack!! You are a lawful male human knight.

One minute later...

Do you want your possesions identified? [ynq] (n)

54. Nintendo Puu

Even though the console was well priced, had a good selection of games like Call of Doody and Supa Shittehole Bruthas!, and was compact and easy to carry, It was hard for people to overlook the fact that it was, literally, a pile of fucking shit.

53. Nintendo Pii

A gaming console devloped by nintendo at 3030 AD. The sensor bar of the Pii was programmed to read motions of people's PINGAS and therefore was a total faliure due to the fact that women don't have a PINGAS. Had great games like Pii Play, where you use your PINGAS to complete tasks like peeing into a moving toilet without missing. Also known for Pii Sports, where the PINGAS is used for Boxing, Baseball, Tennis, Clay Shooting and Soccer. Was favorited by Dr. Robotnik, who was found snoo PINGAS usual with it frequently.

52. AAAAAAAAAtari

This system came with the E.T. Video Game. 'Nuff Said.

51. Sex Box 369

This came out in 2006 and its games were Grand Theft Auto 69, Sim Butt, and Charlies Angels Full Frontal.

[edit] 50-41

50. Sex Box

This came out in 2003 and the only popular game that was on there was Duke Fuck-'em.

49. Innuendo 69

The Angry Video Game Nerd says that he would rather see Goat Sex than play a game on this system.

48. Super Innuendo

The Irate Gamer says that he would rather watch The Angry Video Game Nerd throw stuff at him than play a game on this system.

47. Innuendo

Created by some Horny Japanese People who were bored with masturbation made this game system. The Irate Gamer and The Angry Video Game Nerd would rather fight themselves in hell than play any game on this system.

46. Your Mom

For some reason, she didn't have much of a selection of games.

45. Asshole 1000

Makes the Sega Dreamcast look like an NES, this gaming system has the worst 100 ripoff games of all time, plus it's included in the Worst 100 Ripoff Items of All Time.

44. philips virtual boy CD playstation intellacoleco32x 

a merger of the worst ever consoles.

43.Fony PlayBox (later Playslab)

A wii ripoff features games like bum wiping,supermarket checkout girls, teenage spot squeezer, Barman attracter,cocaine taker,smack taker, also they have a character spazic the hedgehog sonics brother who likes going to the pub and taking cocaine.

42. Innuendo GamePube

the angry video game nerd says he'd rather eat his balls than play this.

41. Innuendo Oh yes

a sex version of the nintendo ds