Will Smith
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| Date of birth: | September 25, 1968 | |
| Place of birth: | Bel-Air, USA | |
| Nationality: | African-American American | |
| Known for | Kicking E.T.'s ass; being cussed out by kids; releasing a hit single to tie in with his movies | |
|---|---|---|
| Occupation | Hollywood moneybag | |
| Religion | Scientology | |
“Will Smith doesn't make a bad movie. Ignore Wild Wild West”
~ Oscar Wilde on Will Smith
“Aw, Hell No!”
~ The Big Willy Catchphrase
“DAMN IT FRED!!! DAMN IT!!!”
~ Will Smith on Fred the ill-fated Mannequin
“ZOMG, ALIENS!!! OH FUCK. no not really just kidding.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Will Smith
“Who is that guy in Independence Day who played president???”
~ George W. Bush on Will Smith
“Vote Will Smith as greatest actor, we've all done something stupid”
~ Some homosexual with no life that votes for great actors
“Respect tha police comin' straight from your community / 'cause the cops promote the peace and the unity of cizizens”
~ Will Smith on his song "Respect Tha Police", performed with N.W.G.A(Niggaz With Good Attitudez)
“I WAS SAVIN' THAT BACON!!”
~ Will Smith on that bacon
Now this is the story all about how
My wife got flipped, turned upside down,
And I'd like to take a minute just spit right there
Ill tell you how I became the printer of a town called Bel-air.
On west Philadelphia cream cheese born and raised,
On the playground where I usually got hazed.
Chilling out, maxing, relaxing an' lame
And all snortin' some 8-balls outside of Notre Dame.
When a couple of guys who just always had wood
Started gettin' boners in my neighborhood.
I got in one little orgy, my mom got afraid,
And said you're going to the hospital to get treated for AIDS. (which happened to be in Bel-air)
(only the first three episodes of season one)
I begged and pleaded with her the other day,
But she packed my suitcase and sent me on my way
.
She took a long piss and she gave me my ticket,
I put my stand man on and said I might as well jack-off.
First class, show this is bad,
Drinking orange juice while smoking a pound of grass.
Is this what the people of Bel-air livin' like,
Hmm, they must be white!
I whistled for a cab and when it came near,
the license plate said "FR3SH" and the driver was queer.
If anything, I could say that this cab was rare
But I thought now forget it, yo home to my care bears!
I pulled up to a house about seven or eight,
And I yelled to the cabby "Yo, I'm gonna masturbate!"
Looked at my kingdom, I was finally there
To settle my throne as the prince of the ass-hair.
Will Smith (Born Dick Hancock September 25, 1968 in a town called Bel-Air) tragically died on March 50th, 1337
He was also reported to have been allergic to bullshit prior to his tragic death.
During the filming of 'Men In Black III: ALI3NS! OMFG!' Will was accused, but not found guilty of raping his alien co-star Madonnaconda. In his spare time you could find him traveling back in time to fight giant metal spiders in the Wild, Wild West. A true American pastime.
Contents |
[edit] Will Smith in Prison
Downtown Los Angeles born and raised,
In the alleys is where I spent most of my days.
Chillin' out, maxing, just me and my gang,
Selling some drugs, and jerkin' my wang.
When a couple of thugs who were douchebags since birth
Started movin' product on my home turf.
I got in one gun fight, bullets rained like hail,
The cops came, shot me down, and then put me in jail.
I... pulled... up to the prison around seven or eight,
And said to the cop, "Yo homes, fuck this place!"
The door slammed behind me when the guard threw the switch
20 to life and I'm somebody's bitch.
[edit] Reign
Will Smith spent most of his life as royalty, overseeing the 'hoods and the homeboys of Bel Air. Through the critically acclaimed "Men in Black" documentaries of 1997 and 2002 starring Will Smith and his boyfriend/father figure Tommy Lee Jones, detailing his difficult and sometimes dangerous reign as Fresh Prince of Bel Air, he has gained international recognition for this difficult work, and has become one of Bel Air's most beloved Fresh Princes. He also ran against Darth Television for Fresh Prince of Television and lost.
It is worth noting that Will Smith (hereafter referred to as "His Freshness") was declared "greatest rapper - ever" by Stephen Hawking, the worldwide expert on such things. In fact, hawking announced this by actually speaking, instead of letting that little computer-thingy do the talking for him, and the effort speaking necessitated was so great that the honorable MC promptly died. Luckily His Freshness touched Hawking with his magic green thumb and brought him back to life, which was very considerate, all things considered. By the way, that's a lame radio show on NPR, which happens to stand for No Pooping Robots, and Pooping Robot is incidentally a name which is occasionally given to Hawking, because that's basically what he is. Anyway, will smith is really cool and one time he sang a song that had the line "Momma uh, momma uh, momma uh-uh-uh" which is vaguely sexual. And he was a good rapper. BEST ACTOR EVER wild wild west BITCHES!
His musical career is extremely noted and respected, singing the soundtrack and title songs to Wild Wild West and Men in Black, songs that consisted of the title being repeated 78 times.
Then things started going down the drain for William when he was recruited by Neo-Nazi overlord Tom Cruise into the Church of Scientology. Jesus later came to him in his sleep, not only to feel him up, but to warn Will about the harms of this religion. Jesus killed everyone on Earth to show what Lord Xenu will do to Earth when he arrives. Not only did this not help at all, but Will also got the inspiration to make the documentary "I am Legend" and starred in it. Jesus, going home a failure, was then savagely beaten by Mel Gibson and was sent to bed without supper.
[edit] Will Smith's Inspiration
A relatively unknown fact about Will Smith is that he got most of his inspiration for his "Bel-Air" days and for his other short lived show; "'Oh Shit! I Fucking Dropped My Soda!' and Other Funny Wangsta Sayings'", from smoking old Elvis records. When asked about this Will Smith giggled and proclaimed "I am the Lord Jesus Christ!" before he went on a pot smoking binge which ended with The Great Chicago Fire of 1871.
When Will's close friend The Pope was asked about his blasphemous outburst he was recorded as saying:
| Grab your glocks when you see Tupac
Call the cops when you see Tupac, Who shot me, But, your punks didn't finish Now, you 'bout to feel the wrath of a menace |
Will Smith was then caught on record responding to this by saying:
| Get out the way, bitch
Get out the way, bitch Biggie Smalls just got dropped! |
Currently Smith is being investigated for more of his "inspiration", that may have come from him huffing kittens during the said fire as people literally melted around him. Instead of helping them, he offed them a fine rare "Peruvian Kitten" to huff tube style. If he is convicted of this serious offense he will be sentenced to produce twelve more years of "The Fresh Prince of the Fresh Produce Aisle", the highly successful Mexican Bel-Air spin off.
[edit] Will Smith's Gay Phase
Now this is the story all about how
My preferences got turned upside down
And I'd like to take a minute while shaving my hair
to tell you how I became the...what? gay bar? where?
In southern america born and raised
in the church house is where i spent most of my days
touching my weenie relaxin all cool, looking at my friend's balls outside of the school
when a couple of guys who were lookin real good
started touching on me cause I said they could
I had t3h gay sex once and my mom asked where
so I told her at the gay bar by the school right there
I whistled for a lad and when he came near
I noticed he had never had dice in his mirror
if anything I can say that this counts as rare
but I thought nah forget it, yo boy, shave your hair!
I pulled into his house around seven or eight (times)
and I yelled to the laddie yo ho, smell my ass hair!
looked at my wiener it was finally bare
so I sat on his lap and now I'm gay as a *beep*
[edit] Will Smith - Reincarnation of Bob Dole?
There has been evidence that Will Smith was the reincarnation, like that Bob Dole was black, and so is Will Smith. Will Smith is the Fresh Prince of Bel Air, and Bob Dole was the Fresh Prince of Kansas. Bob Dole was Confucianist, and The Fresh Prince's writers were also Confucianist. Besides, no one could have such good rhyming skills besides Bob Dole.
[edit] Movie tie-in songs
Will Smith is notorious for unleashing hit singles to tie in to his movies. Many of them have been smash hits, however good or successful the movie. But a select few have failed to chart of have otherwise been banned.
The theme song to Bad Boys was nothing more than the Cops theme song, with a rap beat. As such, it failed to chart.
When it came time to release a theme song for Independence Day, Will rapped more about our nation's history than about the actual plot of the movie. Needless to say, the song flopped, but became a huge hit in elevators.
- Yo, yo, yo!
- This is a story all about George
- How he'd free the USA of the wrath of King George
- And we all thought Britain's policies enormously gay
- Tommy Jeff signed Declaration on Independence Day
- E.T. (What, what)
- Kicking E.T.'s ass (Say what?)
- E.T. (What, what)
- Kicking E.T.'s ass (1776)
In 2001, he attempted to write a theme song for The Legend of Bagger Vance, but the record label and studio thought the song was absolutely boring, and the song was never recorded. Here are sample lyrics:
- This is how I golf, this is how I golf (repeat 17x)
- Bagger Vance, fancy pants, millionaire, extraordinaire
- Golfing every single hole, Bill Murray hates that friggin' mole
- Bagger Vance, that's my name; playing golf, that's my game
- Yeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh! (Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!)
Another film Smith released that year, Ali, also had a bland theme song with a heavy rap beat. The lyrics were ripped from Tenacious D's "Tribute," but altered to be about Muhammad Ali. Jack and Kyle sued and won. Therefore, we can't provide any sample lyrics.
I, Robot was moderately successful, with Will Smith rapping over the 1983 Styx pop hit, Mr. Roboto. The song actually featured Dennis DeYoung providing backing vocals. It reached #15 on the charts in 2004.
- Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto (4x)
- Domo Arigato, for being my maid
- Roboto is your name, Robottin' is your game
- What's a man to do when a robot is accused
- Of murdering a man, we lock him up, we can?
- Thank you very much, thank you very much
- Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto (8x)
- **Dennis DeYoung**
- Thank you very much. Mr. Roboto
- For helping me escape, from Will Smith, the Fresh Prince
- Thank you (Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto), etc.
Will Smith grew musically exhausted when it came time to do a song for I Am Legend. So he decided to record a rap version of The Monster Mash. The song sucked so badly that Bobby "Boris" Pickett rose from the dead to destroy all remaining copies of the recording.
His current single, "Hancock," isn't doing very well. Not because of the music industry slump, but because of the song lyrics:
- Han to the cock (8x)
- The black Superman, that's Hancock to you
- Sitting on my ass and a-drinking's all I do
- Don't wanna save the world, wanna repair my image
- I don't even care that nothing much rhymes with image
- A blond kid cussed me out, called me a jerk
- Wait a sec, ain't he the kid from Rob Zombie's Halloween?
- Damn, he needs an Oscar for playing Myers well
- My Hancock's gonna rock, but this song's an epic fail
- Han to the cock (7x)
- Hancock, bitch!
- **Jason Bateman rap**
- When I say Han, you say Cock!
- Han! (Cock!) Han! (Cock!)
- When I say Han, you say Cock!
- Han! (Cock!) Han! (Cock!)
- Yo, I'm a PR guy, a Ranger I'm not
- Mr. Hancock saved my life, spill the ending I cannot
- I try to fix his image, make him less of SOB
- We goin' straight to the top, Numba 1 not Numba 3!
- [The chorus repeats while Daeg Faerch calls Will Smith a "Jackass" repeatedly]
However the movie is shredding the box office into smithereens. It is sure to debut at #1.
[edit] Will Smith- Does anyone like him?
In a recent poll of a whole bunch of white people from loads of places this question was asked
"Do you like Will Smith?"
The results came in as:
- 0% He doesn't roll with me.
- 0% Definitely not.
- 30% I don't like blacks too much, no...wait...is black even a color of a person?
- 0% Jesus Fucking Christ, no
- 70% hell damn yes. Only a moron could dislike him after hearing "MIB"
23% of those in dissent said they they would hang Will smith over their fireplace as a hunting trophy... It is been rumoured that his former life as Captain Planet has something to do with this. Will Smith is, however, a friend to all robots.
[edit] N.W.G.A. (Niggaz With Good Attitudez)
In 1986, soon after the formation of N.W.A., Will Smith decided to start his own rap supergroup, "Niggaz With Good Attitudez". The group consisted of Will Smith, DJ "Jazzy" Jeff, Shredded Ice, MC Res(ponsibility), Eazy Obediance, and some other black people. The group recieved generally poor media coverage, primarily because the theme of most of their songs was obediance, respect, and peace.
In the song "Respect Tha Police", from N.W.G.A.'s 1988 album, "Straight Outta Bel-Air", Smith raps about respecting the local police, helping out in your town, and taking responsibility for your actions:
"Respect tha police comin' straight from your community / 'cause the cops promote the peace and the unity of cizizens, in yo neighborhood / you gotta take resonsibility if you wanna do good. / Helpin' me out 'cause I'm a teenager / with a little bit of premature anger / searchin' my car, lookin' for the product / stopping me from endangering my community by selling narcotics"
The song continues like this for several minutes.
N.W.G.A. was consistently criticized by rival rap group N.W.A. for being "gay ass hell", releasing "pussy ass shit", and overall "bein' bitches". During the 1988 MTV Music Awards, Will Smith was assaulted by Ice Cube when Smith complained about Ice Cube's excessive use of the word "nigga". After Smith accidentally stepped on his "sneaks" (white basketball sneakers), Ice Cube spilled his Malt Liquor onto Smith's hair, threw him on the ground, and kicked him for several minutes. When the police arrived at the scene, Ice Cube continued to assault and ridicule Smith, calling him a "bitchass nigga". As he was hauled away by 5 officers, Smith told him to "respect tha police" and that "anger and disobediance will only land you in prison". Ice Cube then broke away from the officers and punched Will Smith in the face, permanently disforming it.
Ice Cube was released from the Compton State Jail after 1 day, pleading that "nobody likes Will Smith anyways". In an interview after his release, he gave his opinion on Will Smith and N.W.G.A:
"Is dis nigga a joke? Dis shit is wack, naa mean? Will Smith is a bitchass nigga, and any nigga dat likes Will Smith and N.W.G.A. is a disgrace to his race. Naa'm sayin'?"
In 1989, "Respect Tha Police" was nominated for Worst Song of The Century at the MTV Sucka Free Awards. Black people all over the world realized how terrible a rapper Will Smith was, and that was when Smith decided to become an actor. Strangely, he continued to rap even after the break-up of N.W.G.A., though sales were terrible and the music was primarily listened to by White people.
After ending N.W.G.A., Will Smith released a solo album entitled "Respectful Behavior" and emphasized the dangers of Malt Liquor, excessive Fried Chicken eating, and drugs. Rival Ice Cube (who had previously assaulted Will Smith) confronted him outside a 7-11
[edit] Best Friends
- Lord Xenu
- Tommy Lee Jones
- Your Dad
- Jeff Goldblume
- Patrick Duffy
- Various other short black men who have no self respect for themselves see Carlton Banks, Martin Lawerence, DJ Jazzy Jeff, that little boy in the movie the Pursuit of happiness whose name is unknown and irrelevant because no one ever so that movie before except for Roger Ebert, Jeffrey his butler and your dad
See also: The French Prince of Bel Air, The Fresh Prince Of Bel Air
[edit] Battle With David Suzuki
In 2003, certain of his success, Will Smith declared himself Nicest Man On Earth. This was immediately and strenuously denied by environmentalist and convicted dog-smuggler David Suzuki, who stated that while Will Smith had briefly been the Last Man On Earth, he had never been the Nicest. Smith responded by attacking Suzuki with the power of rap, imploring him in delicate meter to "be nice to old people" and "help your parents with the dishes". Suzuki countered by throwing fluorescant lightbulbs at Smith.
The battle escalated to Epic Proportions (At its peak the two were throwing galaxies at each other) until a small child politely asked them where the bus stop was. They both responded apologetically before being run over by an ethanol-powered car driven by an illiterate homeless black man. Suzuki and Smith agreed that this was certainly ironic, then died.
| This article forms part of the series on Scientology | |
| Beliefs | Space Opera ~ Xenu ~ Dianetics ~ Thetans ~ The Sacred Movements of Goa Tse | |
| Concepts | AT Field ~ Objectivism ~ The Force ~ Clear ~ Hodgepodge (the hidden truth) | |
| Practices | Kitten Huffing ~ ITASTWD | |
| People | Tom Cruise ~ Katie Holmes ~ Lestat de Lioncourt ~ John Travolta ~ Beck ~ Superman ~ Chef ~ Will Smith | |
| Enemies | You ~ Me ~ Oprah ~ South Park ~ YTMND ~ 4chan ~ The Holiday Hawk ~ Walken! ~ Rick Astley | |
[edit] Filmography
Upcoming Films
- Seven Pounds (2008)
Filmography
- Handcock (2008) -- NOW PLAYING AT A THEATER NEAR YOU!
- The title is being censored by the general public as Hancock. Some cock haters have even gone so far as to censor it to Han, pissing off Star Wars fans who camped out for tickets to what they thought was "the new Han Solo movie." Female Star Wars fans were disappointed to not see Han Solo's cock.
- It is also interesting to note that the original title was Tonight He Cums (Censored as Tonight He Comes).
- I Am Legend... in Bed (2007)
- I Am Christmas (2007)
- I Am Frigid (2007)
- The Pursuit of Helpless Children (2006)
- I, Fuckwad. (2006)
- Bitch (2005)
- I,Fuckit (2004)
- Bad Boys 2: Boys on Boys (2003)
- Legend of Bugger Pants (2001)
- Wild Wild n' Wet (1999)
- Men in Black Chicks (1997)
- Inyourpants Day (1996)
- Bad Boys (do good girls) (1994)
[edit] TV Series
- The Fresh Pants of Bel-Air (1991-1996)
