Wicca
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“You can five-fold kiss my ass.”
~ Noel Coward on Wiccan Rituals
“We, as a band, proudly support Wicca and embrace their values. We're Wiccan 'till death son.”
~ Ryan Clark of Demon Hunter
Wicca is a pseudo-religion and attention-getting device which involves the worship two deities: the Goddess Mother Earth or some other goddess (preferably not of the Celtic tradition Wicca claims to embody) and the God (otherwise known as Captain Planet). It is mainly practiced by MySpace users between the ages of 13 and 16, though for a select minority of emos and goths the phase can last until well into their late teens, or even into the early 20s if they have no friends and can still use it as a tool to get attention. The Wiccans older than that are mostly crazy feminists or tree hugging hippies. Wiccans are basically witches that can't do real magic. This is why they use spelling to get their revenge, spelling magic as magick.
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[edit] History of Wicca
Badly imitating an ancient religion of druidic tradition and magic, Wicca traces its roots as far back as 1954, when it was created on a whim by British entrepreneur and beaver-rights extremist Gerald Gardner. Gardner made the principles of the religion based on a commitment to excellence and service of the community; he believed that religion was about giving you what you wanted: friendly service, his secret family virgin sacrifice recipe (with seven spices), and well-kept places of worship.
Gardner built five Wiccan temples in Iowa, but since most Wiccans had already agreed that their religion consisted mainly of staying home, he gave up and went on to found the hugely successful chain of euthanasia stands. Later, some furry/LARPer/goth named Silly Ravenschmuck wrote "Teen Witch", which is considered by most to be the holiest book of the Wiccan religion.
To Note: the reason I say all of this is not because a woman I was madly in lust with turned me down because I was "a narrow minded bigot, with no sense of taste and poor hygiene". She was a Wiccan, I think. Well she looked like one.
[edit] Attention Whores
It is widely accepted by anybody with an IQ over 52 that those who practice Wicca, much like goths, those who are emo, Americans, or even metalheads are simply attention whores who want to scare their parents and relatives. Wiccans are known for the Wiccan creed, "If it gets attention, do what thou wilt."
Wicca is mostly practiced by people who either don't know, don't care, or refuse to accept the fact that they are practicing a religion which is in fact, younger than their parents -- not that any Wiccan has been found who is smart enough to research the origins of their religion except in books from the discount bin in Sam Goody. Not to mention that their religion of choice is less financially lucrative than the other world religions. But who cares about gaping theological flaws as long as you're "different"? And we all know that age really is the most important thing when it comes to whether a religion is valid or not -- you know, like Hinduism is waaay more valid than Christianity.
[edit] A Censored Religion
The religion of Wicca is not accepted or tolerated in the United Spades of America. Fearful of anything different from communal beliefs - that which is bestowed upon the common man by the heveanly father through... other... fathers (aka priests) - organized religion fanatics claim Wicca is the manifestation of Satan within man. Like Satan, Wiccans in their quest to control the world have taken many jobs from people in the U.S. -- and besides, they are often fat ugly chicks who dress in black (or in purple crushed velvet) and hardly ever get laid. Because of this, many of them have since begun seeking sex from other women, rather than men.
In 1972, Wiccan insurgents from Amazonia infiltrated Britain and released a manifesto (and call to arms) in the guise of a children's book called "Richard Posner and the Philanthropist Gnome". The book was later released in the United Spades, but "Philanthropist" was not considered phonetic enough to serve the Wiccan agenda, and so the word in the title was replaced with "Sore-headed". This all made a good deal of sense to the Wiccans, but normal Amerikans were thrown into a morally-induced fit of moral rage. As a result, Congress passed a new law that banned the book. In response Wiccans cast many spells against the president, but the spells, which are said to be like prayers, were just as effective. Another book soon followed, created by the government, called Witch-Hunting For Fun and Profit.
The only area at the moment that is allowing Wiccans to freely practice their abilities is China. Though we all know that is just as real as Hyrule.
[edit] Contributions to Society
Wiccans are known for their expert arts-and-craftsmanship (or to be Politically Correct, "craftsubhumanship"). Wiccans have invented such ingenious and useful things as Wicca Baskets, Wiccarbockers, "dreamcatchers" made from Popsicle sticks and yarn, and Wiccapedia. One must beware when using these things, however, because ancient Wiccan curses dictate that those who fall under the Wiccan spell will begin to insert the arguably catchy word "wicca" in every appropriate (and many an inappropriate) place, wicca wicca wicca wicca.
Wiccans are also known to be a good replacement for firewood, as they are quite flammable. Historically, the ancient Celts burned the first Wiccan after they tired of their gods and practices being ceremoniously raped by local Wiccans.
Followers of approximately 197 other religions Wicca stole from in its quest to call itself "The Old Religion Floating Down De Nile" took up the practice as well, especially when it was discovered that Wiccans made marvelous kindling. This was a period known to the Wiccans as the Burning Times.
Modern scientists have theorized that Wiccans could be burned to create a new, renewable, clean burning energy fuel source, but unfortunately, this would be considered "murder" by most modern definitions of the term.
Wiccans are thought to have invented the Personal Computer Superfluous Devices, or PCSD, though Wiccans are largely illiterate there are no actual historical records to confirm this. These devices include lighted LED fans, cold cathode light tubes, and plexiglass cases. Their contribution to personal computing has been summed by one scholar on the subject as "bloody stupid".
The TV series "Charmed" is said to have been a Wiccan plot to take over the US government. This attempt failed due to many people, Wiccans included, getting distracted by the vast quantities of cleavage on display.
[edit] How to Become a Wiccan
Basically all you have to do to become a Wiccan is simply say you're a Wiccan loudly and often. However, to further wedge yourself into the religion, you can also do the following:
- Visit Wiccapedia.
- Spell things incorrectly, like wynd, magick, summyr, hyjyne and for that matter, realytti.
- Hate Christians (or as you should now start calling them "Xians"). In fact you should have a general hatred for anything with the word Christ in it, including: Christmas, anyone named Christine ("Xine" being the Wiccan word for Christine, so to speak) and the word richest because it's too damn close to being an anagram of Christ. This is an especially important point, because Wicca is the biggest threat to Christianity, itself being born in a free world constructed from patriarchal rule coincidently slapped on the ass into submission from mother "obey, or no sex tonight" theology. And we all know what that means... more football.
- Change your name to something with two or more of the following words: Wynd, Summer, Night, Moon, Breeze, Solar, Storm or Star.
- Start wearing black or purple crushed velvet.
- Claim you're part Native American, and make up some stupid Indian tribe.
- Watch a movie called "The Craft" which is a documentary on real-life Wiccans and what they can do.
- Burn things, like candles, incense, gange, bits of string, yourself, but mostly gange.
- Become an overweight, bisexual, and preferably polyamorous teenage girl.
- Buy lots of silver pentagrams which you should try and adorn as much of your body with as possible.
- Tell people vampires are real and you have proof because you use to be one until "they" de-fanged you.
- Start a webpage, preferably with a purple background and red text. Plenty of spinning pentagrams are a MUST and also as many animated gifs as you can find (of things like flames and cats). The graphics are much more important than the actual text on your webpage but if you must add actual "information" it should be in the form of a long-winded rant about how witches were burnt at the stake and about fairies being real. A MySpace account also counts.
- Write your name in blood (preferably menstrual blood which you keep in a jug in your fridge) on things around your house and act surprised when people treat you like you are insane.
- Prance around your front garden in nothing but a cloak and pointy hat. When people complain simply tell them that you are a proud pagan and only practicing your freedom of religion - then break into a long-winded rant about the burning times.
- Reading information on Wicca is not as important as acting the part, but if you are ever confronted by someone who has then simply use the defense that there is no "right way" to do anything, you don't want to be put into a box or labeled and so they should stop judging you. Then accuse them of being Xian.
- Burn a pentacle in your neighbor’s lawn, and sacrifice their dog/cat/fish/child/flower to the gods. Then jump around and chant magic words. Cut your arm open and bleed all over the ground. The gods will love you forever. Your neighbor, however, might be a little ticked off. Sue the neighbor for persecuting your religion.
- Convince yourself there is no turning back. Once you are in, man, you're in.
- Above all, develop a compulsive attraction to shiny things, like little colored led crystal balls. You should develop this skill to the point where you start picking shiny metal things up off the ground without giving your hands conscious direction.
- Talk about how much you're "sticking it" to the mainstream.
- If someone complains, accuse them of living in a fantasy world and an illusion before you get back to worshiping trees and dirt.
- Learn to be nice and polite...except to non-Wiccans, because they're inferior to your super magicy magicky majicky self.
- Develop a love for overpriced rocks (must have a good reason why said rocks are the “specialist” and “sacredest” of all rocks)
- Be sure to ignore most of the guidelines of the actual religion. All you have to do to be a witch is say you're one. And that your family has always been in tune with nature or some retarded shit like that.
- Buy a little cast iron pot you think if majjgjick and shit and act all fucking mysterio when you're crushing up chalk and dried leaves from your backyard with some fucking granite dildo you bought at like, world market or something majjgjikky like that.
- Charge all your friends money for tarot card readings.
- Be sure to recognise that no matter how sodding nuts a deity acts in the mythology that they're a part of, they REALLY want what's best for you, just like the strange smelling old man that likes to offer the neighbourhood kids candy...
[edit] Wiccan Traditions
Eclectic and Solitary Wicca
According to Wikipedia,
| There is also a movement of Eclectic or Solitary Wiccans who claim to belong to the religious movement, but do not believe any doctrine or traditional initiation is necessary in order to substantiate the claim. |
So you or your partner might be a Wiccan RIGHT NOW and not even know it. If you suspect you are a Wiccan or might have contracted Wicca, please see Dr. Kevorkian to get tested, and be sure to be open with your partner.
(Please note that this should not be confused with Electric Wicca, or even Epileptic Wicca)
Gardenarian Tradition
Formed by the quintessential Wiccan, Mexican Gardener, this tradition emphasizes respect for the earth through lawnmower worship and erotic dungeons and dragons games. Many Wiccans shy away from this particular tradition, due to its strong preference for Elitist Esoteric Assholes who Actually Know what They're Talking About and Practice a Real Religion. Initiation is necessary, though can be overridden by sacrificing a magjickkkkkkk sprinkler to the gods and/or one's guardian feminazi.
The true origins of Gardenarian Wicca were that Gardener, on one of his 'flights of fancy' to the US, came across the system at a BQQ at his old pal L-Ron's house. It was, however, the notorious gangsta-rappa and gaylord Aleister Crowley who put the innocent and gullible Gardner up to the whole thing, as some sort of sick prank. The whole thing backfired when people actually fell for the whole preposterous scheme and Crowley is reported to have exclaimed in dismay "Shiat! I've created monsta y'all!".
Correllian Tradition
This was originally started through the combined effort of L. Ron Hubbard, Ray Kroc and Bill Gates. They hoped to combine their occult powers to ensure that each home in Amerika (and eventually the world) would have at least one Wiccan. In order to do this they needed to make Wicca more easily digestible and able to be distributed to as wide an audience as possible but still with the great attention to service excellence as original Wicca. Following in the footsteps of the highly respected "Online Colleges" where one can buy your PhD, they started a
The Native Americans had been practicing Wicca for millennia and it had been passed down to L. Ron Hubbard by his grandma (a Native American gypsy wench, who occasionally hit the crack-peace-pipe) but was an overly complicated system.
British Traditional
This was started one fateful evening when the first episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer aired and was seen by some bored upper-class teenagers. This tradition is also known as "The Cult of Rupert Giles". An important part or these rituals involves forming a circle to drink Darjeeling and eat cucumber sandwiches.
Alexandrian Tradition
Only people with the name Alex, Alexandra, Aleq or Alexander may join these covens. Alexandrias, oddly, are banned from the tradition, and in fact are in danger of being skinned alive and eaten if they come within 100 yards of an Alexandrian coven.
Faery/Fairy Tradition
This a tradition where covens are made up of 8-year-old girls and gay males of varying ages.
Christian Wicca
Um... yeah... this one is pretty hard to explain. Apparently it involves cannibalism. One thing we do know is that it's bread from Christians who think that if they believe in something they don't believe in, which is what they think but not what they know, then they must still be Christians because they still believe, they just don't know what they believe. Then they'll go to hell, or some other really bad place. Because, you know, it's bad. So not knowing, but thinking of beliefs still makes it okay, because you know, otherwise, it's bad again. Ultimately, there can be only one.
Dianic Tradition
Ever since the tragic passing of Princess Goddess Diana, this tradition has come to total fruition. Believers of this tradition worship before an Altar of Diana, normally depicted in her striking 80's-big-hair form. They also operate an underground network of operatives as they currently believe that either the Gardenarians or Alexandrians might have been behind the plot to kill their deity... either them or it was just those annoying, smelly, jealous French froggies! They are also known to have called a Jihad on the house of Windsor, thereby claiming their title as Wicca's most extremist and fundamentalist tradition!
[edit] Polytheistic vs. Pantheistic Wicca
Polytheistic Wicca is where there's a whole lotta gods, not just one or even two. It's interesting to note that most Wiccans who are polytheistic at one point decided that one god controlling the universe is just far too ridiculous to believe. Observing this phenomenon helped Albert Einstein develop his Theory of Goditivity, or B(elievability)=G(number of gods)A(age of religion)2. In polytheistic Wicca, each god is a separate entity from the rest, each with their own personality, hang ups, vices, etc. Essentially, these gods are like Real World house members, with each one more annoying than the rest.
Pantheistic Wicca isn't much different, except the individual gods are all connected which is, frankly, creepy. They're much like Station from Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey, where one god of the pantheon is the head, another an arm, another a leg, another the ... erm, member. Of course, since Wiccans usually worship duality, this Station-God would have to be a hermaphrodite. This leads me to believe that the genitals are Hermes and Aphrodite.
[edit] Virgin Sacrifice
Oh yes they do! Despite this, it can be easily avoided because Wiccans consider anyone who has had an orgasm an un-virgin so all they have to do is watch someone partake in a ritual known as maksterbayshun (ABSOLUTELY NO relation to the process known as masturbation). After this ritual they will free the person from being sacrificed to a fucking tree. Although the person will be forced at gunpoint to participate in their ritual neo-pagan orgies.
[edit] Ritual Neo-pagan Orgies
Oh and they do this too!
So there's at least one damned good reason to convert.
