World War II
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| World War Results: Britain 1-0 Germany
Britain win 2-0 on aggregate |
| World War II | |||||||||||
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| Combatants | |||||||||||
 United Kingdom
|  The Third Reich
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| Commanders | |||||||||||
 Harold Straddlebeamer
| Really Angry German Guy | ||||||||||
| Casualties | |||||||||||
Military dead:
Civilian dead:
000,000,000,000,000 | Military dead:
Civilian dead:
Total dead
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World War II (abbreviated WWII), also called The Blitzkrieg Boogaloo, the Greater War, the Second World War and WW" for those who cannot lift off the shift key in time, was an award-winning epic film directed by numerous world leaders.Lasting over six years, destroying much of Europe and resulting in the deaths of over 70 million crew members and random people, it is the longest and most violent film, and therefore by natural law also the coolest. At the estimated cost of $288 billion, it is also the highest-budget film ever made and, with the collaboration of numerous countries, is the first time in recorded history which many world nations have worked together and actually done something productive.
It is best described by Eddie Izzard as "Probably Europe's best film.", and was first shown at the European Theatre of War but was since shown in North Africa, the Soviet Union, the Pacific and China.
WWII was one of the most successful and high-budget movies ever made, even becoming more popular than WWI (rookie filmmaker Gavrilo Princip’s only hit, which was so well-received in the film industry that he was executed).
The film is rather famous for a particular scene in which the English, unable to push Germany's advance back (no real surprise actually ) are rescued by Russia and America. The English audience is rather bitter and ignorant about this scene, proffering to say that the "yanks showed up late as always", Having been beaten albeit only to the level that a 3rd grade bully beats on a kindergartener, (beaten so that the victim can still function) the English choose to let Russia do most of the work in Europe while the U.S took care of Japan. Today the English continue to show their ignorance and bitterness to this grossly under coved truth "we stopped Germany from advancing" they say. They fail to realize that up until that point Germany had crushed POLAND ....and FRANCE. Yes that France. Not only that, but stopping a bully doesn't mean you defeat it. The rest of the world continues to laugh at them and the 2 actors that stepped up to take control of the screen that did so well in this classic continue to be financially successful. Despite the many faults, flaws, and ineptitude of the managers and agents who control it the American “salary” dwarves that of anyone else. And Russia controls the fuel needed to make this historic film; oil. Thus making them even more powerful than any other "actor", including America. The follow up to this blockbuster; the chilling suspense thriller "The Cold War" starred Russia ( under the stage name "the Soviet Union") and America, while Britian struggled to find a career. An exciting sequel "Cold War II Putin's revenge" is quickly being developed....
Contents |
[edit] Prologue
WORLD WARS EPISODE I: THE HUN MENACE
In 1918, the winners of World War I (who liked George's idea for "The Merry Wives of Saxe-Coburg and Gotha" better), decided that Germany would be paying for their round of drinks and mindless slaughter, and so has been left skint (there was quite a lot of it). Now, however, the Wall Street Crash has left it in an even worse situation after the Deutschmark has suddenly become worthless, and the Euro is yet to be invented. With the cost of flying sky-high and the cost of building repairs going through the roof.
Now, in 1933, an Austrian ex-soldier has stepped up, promising to solve their problems by destroying democracy, killing Jewish people and fighting a massive war that he ends up dying in along with 79,999,999 people. What could go wrong?
EPISODE II: THE NAZI WARS
The year is 1937. In a move to secure its place as a superpower, Japan has invaded the Manchurian province of China and reinforced the point by brutally slaughtering all. The world, however, was busy elsewhere, and continued to do so as the Imperial Japanese forces repeated the same processes for every single island in the Pacific.
Meanwhile, in Europe, an angry Austrian named Adolf Hitler seizes control of Germany and declares everyone else inferior. Building a massive army to execute his vision of Anschluss, or world domination, he seizes Austria. France, seeing the perfect opportunity to bend over, hand him Czechoslovakia for free. With this, Hitler allied himself to his long-time enemy Joseph Stalin of the Soviet Union and set his sights on Poland...
Also, coming soon...
EPISODE III: REVENGE OF THE NAZIS
Britain and France have finally decided it is time to stop Hitler by declaring war on him. In revenge, the Nazis have gone on the rampage, attacking Norway, Belgium, lots of reclaimed land and France. And if it wasn't enough for the Brits that they're being kicked across Afirca by the Germany and Italy, Hitler has decided to attack their island, and it is down to a handful of people from flying clubs and escapees from Poland to beat the might of the Luftwaffe. Meanwhile in Germany, Hitler has an evil plan to get rid of all Jewish people.
EPISODE IV: A NEW HOPE?
But, when all hope seemed to be lost, in an astounding and superbly resiliant effort by the forces of Britain, The United States, and Kraft Cheese Incorporated, a giant wedge of muenster cheese was hauled to Saudi Arabia, where the allied expeditionary forces were making there final stand against the nazis and facists. There they would use it to draw the greater portion of the german forces away from the main battle, what would be later known as "Haha! Chezee Pwned U N00bs!" They drew the giant wedge of solidified muenster cheese into the red sea, where the germans also went, wanting to get a slice of that cheese...mmmmmm. However, shortly thereafter the german forces realized that despite all of their training, the nazi commanders had forgotten to give them swimming lessons. The americans being the total douchbags they are, decided to carry on their reputations of being dicks and threw life preservers into the water and when the nazi soldier was halfway onboard, cut the rope and watch them spash back into the water, followed by hundreds of fifty cal. rounds...the red sea had finally earned its name...until the blood cells rotted and died away, then it would be known as the "Stenchy Sea of the Pwned".
[edit] The Movie
It all started on September 1, 1939, when some bloke in Poland called Adolf Hitler 'a big gay wanker'. Enraged at this, Hitler invaded the country using the Blitzkrieg, or "lightning krieg", a strategy consisting of blasting the Ramones on a stereo carried by jet powered Stukas. Because of bad communication and even worse communicators, Poland got the news of its own invasion only after the German army had already reached Warsaw, set up a puppet government, and imprisoned most of the citizens in concentration camps. (The first thing the Nazis did when they got to Warsaw was to set fire to Jewish stuff, which should surprise nobody but which was a massive waste of time. They'd have been better off getting drunk and passing out.) Britain told Hitler to get his ball-less arse off the Poles, so that Churchill could pole dance. But Hitler refused so Churchill responded by refusing to eat his German Sheperd for dinner.
On September 3, at 11:15 GMT, the Covenant Elites (Australia and New Zealand) responded by declaring war on everyone. The two countries immediately put forth their plan of 0wNing TeH n00bs. Six hours later, a terrified France responded with its surrender. On September 10, Canada followed suit in declaring war only to realise that their long time 'buds' the USA have yet to learn about the war. Then Prime Minister of Canada Wayne Gretsky has a series of meetings while dropping hints on the current political situation. Then United States President Bambi the Crippled Deer thinks it wrong, and ends up proposing to Wayne. On September 6, South Africa declared war as an excuse to send all of their black people away.
The Soviet Union honored its pact with Hitler by joining the invasion of Poland on September 17, two weeks after the entire country was conquered.
Germany, with help from the forces of Hell, Hades and Athiesm, rapidly overran Poland, took a six-month lunch break, then continued by invading Norway, the Netherlands, Belgium, Luxembourg, Denmark, and France (who reminded Hitler that they already sent a Yahoo email about their surrender. Hitler replies by saying he uses Google Mail. Japanese Stock Brokers sadden). Although France surrendered before the German army even invaded, Hitler decided to invade them, beat them up, and take their lunch money anyway (That's what my big brother says.) This lunch money was taken to hopefully pay off the money the Germans owed the Polish cafeterias for their six-month lunch break. In attempt to gain Britain’s aid, Hitler began a campaign in which airplanes regularly flew over the country and dropped presents from 1940 to 1941. Britain, however, did not appreciate that, during the delivery of the presents, their cities were almost completely destroyed. Hitler decided Britain was ungrateful for the gifts and stopped sending them.
Stalin then attacked little Finland. This cold little country (called "The Freezing Hell" by its Scandinavian neighbours) is a worthless little country consisting mostly of barbaric bearmen that spend half of their time hunting ruskies, werewolves and vampires and the other half in their beloved nauseas gas-propelled flying saunas. The fact that the Finns make the best saunas in the world is believed to be the main reason for the commie invasion. But Ruskies got seriously PWNED by the brutal bearmen, even though the commie army was armed with nuclear weapons and tanks and the defending bearmen had nothing but old crossbows and crowbars (the commies first attacked with tanks but were counterattacked by Finnish bearmen armed with crowbars led by their chieftan Gordon Freeman). In order todestroy the commie tanks they created the Molotov Cocktail out of an old Vodka bottle. This part of the war was named the "Winter War" even though it was fought in the Finnish summer (yes, 40 degress bellow zero is the warmest temperature you'll ever experience in Finland). The Finns then joined Hitler to kick some more Russian ass.
Italian and later German troops attacked British forces in North Africa in order to secure the Suez Canal for no reason in particular. With "Desert Fox" Erwin Rommel's brilliant strategy of winning, losing, winning, losing, winning, losing horribly and then giving up, this would be the greatest hope of victory the Italian Army would see in the entire war.
In 1941, Japan began planning a surprise birthday party for the United States in its Pacific naval party base at Pearl Harbor, Hawaii. For maximum surprise effect, they set the date for the party in December. An entire air show was planned with hundreds of Zeros. Unfortunately, this turned into disaster when the planes arrived before the Emperor had a chance to call President FDR and say 'Surprise!" Even worse, the Japanese, having a shortage of party pilots, decided to use military pilots. The military pilots, having no more training than in bombing and crashing their planes into ships, did exactly that. The U.S. Navy, caught off guard, responded by exploding and sinking.
Having run out of countries to invade, Hitlers paranoia and boredom collided when he thought he heard Stalin said something anti-Aryan. Hitler responded to the insult by declaring communism a Jewish conspiracy and invaded the Soviet Union. Historians generally agree that the fuckers had it coming. In anticipation of a light winter, the troops were sent completely nude. Stalin, under the impression Hitler just wanted to thank him for doing absolutely nothing, let the German army march a thousand miles, lay siege to and conquer Moscow Petrograd Leningrad, and reach Stalingrad before deciding that they weren’t bringing him a gift. In response, he waited until 1942 came around, and then sent every single Russian to freeze to death. For some inexplicable reason, this strategy actually worked. Stalin would continue this strategy for the rest of the war.
In 1943, a feeling of extreme monotony descended upon Europe, until Great Britain and the United States came back from their two-year lunch break and invaded Italy. The Italians sucked pretty hard as usual, but the few Jerries that were stationed in Pizzaland kept on fighting the invaders on some stupid mountain top until the end of the war (pretty stubborn people those nazis, eh?). The Italian government finally became tired of Mussolini's strategy and, in a seemingly impossible move, fired the dictator. The new dictator, Pietro Badoglio (who was particularly well-known for introducing Ethiopia to mustard and absolute terror), declared that he would keep Italy fighting in the war, and immediately began to surrender. Out of the controversy of this action, Italy began fighting itself. Mussolini was then summarily executed 37 times.
Then, in 1944, thousands of Allied troops charged into German-occupied France in what is known as perhaps the dumbest move in military history. However, both the French Resistance and the puppet government of France immediately surrendered to the Allies within minutes.
Meanwhile on the Eastern front, as the Red Army ran out of bullets, soldiers were ordered to use other Russians to beat the enemy to death. This desperate situation peaked in the Battle of the Kursk when tanks on both sides depleted their source of shells and began instead ramming each other, while some tank crews even got out of their vehicle, picked it up, and used it to beat enemy soldiers to death. This would give birth to demolition derbies. This is by far the bloodiest part of the whole movie, with shocking scenes like the Battle for Stalingrad and the tank-PWNAGE at Kursk.
By now, the Germans, although not achieving as many victories as before, still amassed an enormous army, over 16 million in number. Trying to make a last stand, the german SS stormtroopers marched into soviet Smolensk, but their forces were decimated after Luke Skywalker Blow'd up their Death Star.
As troops on both fronts drew near Berlin, German troops attempted one last time at breaking the Allied lines with the Battle of the Bulge. But the last attempt failed, and a long line of childish sexual innuendo jokes about the battle was spawned.
In 1945, shortly after being elected to his twenty-seventh term, President of the United States Franklin Delano Roosevelt suddenly suffered a severe case of SEHS. With the unexpected yet completely unsurprising death of FDR, Vice President Harry S. Truman was thrust into presidency, giving way to another set of childish sexual-innuendo jokes. (Meanwhile, a rabbi somehow snuck into the Fuehrerbunker and converted Hitler to Judaism. When he realized he had turned into a Jew, he put on the "Jude" badge and then shot himself) In celebration, Truman decided this whole Japan thing was getting kinda dragged out and decided to show the families of those who died fighting there just how silly it was by dropping nukes on two cities with hard-to-pronounce names. Because a nuclear holocaust was intended, the bombs came wrapped in barbed wire and headed for gas chambers in specially-designed cattle-car casing. Hundreds of thousands of innocent (and guilty) Japs died, naturally leading to orgasmic celebration in the streets of America.
Also there was another movie created on Youtube. It is "Saving Private Mercutio" to the Romeo and Juliet theme. The second part is the most acclaimed (due to the sicknasty 'Soulja Boy' groove. In order to produce more laughs, there was also a bloopers reel put in the movie.
[edit] Nuremberg Trials
After World War II was released, its producers and directors were captured and tried by a military court consisting of the other film directors who were displeased with the awesomeness of the film. The charges brought against them include crimes against humanity, crimes against peace, and war crimes. Ten minutes into the trial, the judges of the court declared the defendants guilty and, out of convenience in having to deliberate separate verdicts for each person, sentenced all of them to being raped.
Well, they also had a nice pop-sicle and a shnack
[edit] Criticism
Of course, World War II received criticism for its excessive violence and the cameo of Sylvester Stallone as Rambo.
Many racists and anti-Semites protested that the Holocaust sequence was so inhumane that it had obviously been faked by the Jew-controlled media, while even more protested it was too good to be true.
Others were skeptical of the Rape of Nanking because of the extreme difficulty of even consensual fornication with a city (after obtaining the proper permit to do so, of course), much less the fact that the decapitation of all locals is not typically a part of intercourse. (It turns out that Godzilla was the guy that raped Nanking.) The city of Nanking even responded with a statement that spellcheck does not recognize its name, and therefore they does not exist, after which it proceeded to prove itself correct by vaporizing a moment later.
Six million Jews and other Europeans found the movie so inhumane they buried themselves in mass graves. When some researchers went to Poland to investigate the possibility of its residents being killed indiscriminately, they found that the country had been uninhabited since 1945.
However, the movie's idea of genocide still became extremely popular, particularly amongst many young African nations, while others took the trend of indiscriminant killing.
Other sequences, such as the Battle of Stalingrad seemed to be blatant fakes. Because of a budget cut, actors had to steal prop rifles, often onscreen, from other soldiers who were pretending to be dead, while some stole rifles from troops who were shooting at the enemy. Many also questioned the possibility of unsheltered soldiers freezing to death in Russia during one of the worst winters ever recorded, declaring this to be totally not feasible at all.
According to critics, the war with the Japanese was just an excuse to film some jungle scenes (which Spielberg got to do anyway with his next movie, Vietnam), and the entire Pacific plotline was called a "convoluted mess" because, with twelve billion islands, there were simply too many to keep track of. Some islands seemed to even have been made-up, like Midway, Guadalcanal, the Philippines, and Hawaii. To more criticism, the portrayal of the Enola Gay (Latin for "butt-humping gay") seemed to imply that the U.S. was a bunch of fruity homosexuals about to make Japan its bitch. Although that did, in fact, happen twelve seconds later, critics retaliated by saying that "Enola" backwards in "alonE", and then asserting that "Anal alone" makes absolutely no sense whatsoever, even if done backwards.
Other people criticized the movie's invention of Fascism, saying that no one would be dumb enough to fall for such an idea.
More criticism arose over the Allies' attitude towards the Jews throughout the movie. Many found it silly that the Allies formed blockades around their countries to prevent Jews from entering, and shipped the Jews who were already in their country to Germany. Some found it more ridiculous that Allied bombing raids on the Nazi death camps always seemed to miss the crematoriums in favor of an unsuspecting Jew, or, more often, an entire Jewish bunkhouse, which were typically miles away from any other part of the camp. To add on to confusion as to which side the Allies were really on, they awarded the entire land of Palestine to the ten remaining Jews and kicked out all the Palestinians. The Palestinians then declared eternal Holy War against the Jews and started to bomb them. Arabs, however, found it totally absurd and absolutely unheard of that any of them would declare a Holy War against anything and then begin blowing themselves up. In protest of this representation, they declared a Jihad against Hollywood and began exploding themselves in random movie theatres.
Spielberg responded to all this criticism by criticizing it, which soon brought the criticizers retaliating with even more criticism of the criticism of their criticism. Before long, the entire argument became a huge, incoherent mess akin to the movie.
In accordance with all this criticism, the movie was given six stars out of five, two thumbs, and the toe of Roger Ebert, and swept the Oscars, Emmys, Pulitzers, and even won a Nobel Peace Prize for setting an example for many aspiring peace activists such as Pol Pot and Slobodan Milosevic, and ensuring that such inhumanities would never ever occur.
[edit] Quotes on World War II
“They finally made a good sequel.”
~ Oscar Wilde on World War II
“Could you guys do it again? I missed a part in the middle.”
~ T'ckchnack'lqueztlexrchkcle on World War II
“Well... We didn't much enjoy the first or the second, but third time's the charm, eh?”
~ Germany on world conflict
“lol tank rush n00bs”
~ Erwin Rommel on Military Strategy
“To start a world war and lose, that's understandable. To start two world wars and lose both, well, that just means you're not trying.”
~ Some guy on Germany
“I can see your house from here!”
~ Benito Mussolini on a lamp-post
“All your base are belong to us”
~ Adolf Hitler in a letter to the French President
“It's not so deep as a trench nor so wide as a panzer”
~ private Mercutio on his wounds sustained from commander Tybalt of the Nazi army
“In Soviet Russia, cold catches you!”
~ Stalin on Russian Reversal
“Pffff. This game was getting old anyway, awake me again when Final Fantasy 9 has been released...”
~ Adolf Hitler on realizing his defeat
“Wow, that was the biggest mushroom I have ever popped!”
~ Mario on Hiroshima and Nagasaki
“Did we miss something?”
~ Switzerland on World War II
“Beat us once, shame on us, beat us twice, blame the Jews. ”
~ Germany on World War II
“Hey, I like mushrooms! ”
~ Hideki Tojo on Hiroshima
“I don't see why you had to attack us, we just put them in the camps while we remodeled their houses. Plus, I told them to bring their own food and cooking materials, but they did't listen to me on that either. Fucking Jews”
~ Adolph Hitler on The Holocaust
“Spark believes Truth can activate the rings at anytime. If he does, Earth... every being in the Galaxy... Halo will kill them all.”
~ Miranda Keyes on stopping the activation of the ark
“We Surrender! WE SURRENDER!!!”
~ The French on surrendering like always
“There wasn't enough pussy in the fatherland so that's why we took France!!”
~ Some random German guy
[edit] Related articles
- Battle of Normandy
- Population bomb
- Catch-22
- Woodrow Wilson (responsible for single-handedly causing the movie)
- Second World War Two
- Adolf Hitler
- Benito Mussolini
- WWII
- Wii
- Video games
| World Wars |
| I | I 1/2 | II | III | IV | V | VI | VII | VIII | X | IX | XI 1/2 | XIV | XV | XVII | XVIII | XX |
| The Second World War II | World War π | World War Revolution | World War Collectors Boxset | The Video Game | The Sequel to the Video Game | The Board Game | World War What |
