Vin Diesel
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“He's on the MIB hitlist”
~ Will Smith on Vin Diesel
Vin Diesel was born in Isreal to Ted Unleaded, an Israeli Jewish Biro factory worker, and Jodie Fourstar an Egyptian, Sumarian lesbian princess. Diesel grew up in Fellatio, Indiana, and contrary to rumors who that he is illiterate, he can in fact read. However, Vin Diesel does not read in the conventional sense. Rather, the words form gladiators in his mind, drawing on the powers of their respective meanings, fighting to the death until only the strongest remain in an arena of fire and liquid sulfur. Most females consider Vin Diesel attractive but if you look closely you will realize that he is actually a god.
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[edit] Etymology
Vin Diesel's name has been a subject of scholarly scrutiny for some time now. No one knows where the hell this name came from. Dr. Jackson L. Samuel of the Discovery Institute of Mother Fucking Science in Seattle, Washington states, "I'm tired of these mother fucking students wanting to know where mother fucking Vin Diesel's name came from. Mother Fucker".
Dr. Yuri Aznakiss of Oxford University, however, differs politely, offering the following rebuke to Dr. Samuel's argument: "Bullshit. Vin is a traditional southeast Jewish name. But seriously, south east Jewish? What the hell is that? Israel isn't the hell big enough to be divided into North, South, West and East, let alone Northeast, northwest, southeast, southwest, Eastsouth, westsouth, eastnorth, westnorth, northsouth, or eastwest. Wait, what the hell? Hey forget that, don't quote that. But seriously, we don't know where the hell this name came from, and we sure as hell don't give a shit. And don't even get me started on Diesel".
While scholars still haven't figured out where Vin Diesel's name comes from, they do know he inspired the term "diesel dyke", because of the class of large, mannish, muscular lesbians that resemble him.
Vin Diesel is also a cheap petrol that is made with urine and diahorea.
[edit] History
At the age of 21, he became a leader for the entire Jewish community and travelled all around the world spreading words of wisdom and herpes to small children, since he was tired of killing them off himself. He is now the leader of the Mossad. At 23, he entered a magical wormhole that appeared in his local Honda dealership, which sent him to the Illegal Street Racing Universe. He proceeded to race their emperor and win after he leaped from his car and stabbed the emperor in the face with a ceremonial katana, while going 300 miles per hour. Vin returned to our universe three years later, immortal, and with many asian supermodels.
As is not very well known Vin Diesel is a direct descendant of Rudolph Diesel, the inventor of the Wankel rotary engine. Vin starts every day with a piping hot cup of diesel fuel, which he then urinates into the sun to keep it burning. Ironically Vin Diesel was used by the gasoline industries in the USA to promote the use of gasoline through the movie "The fast and the Furious". This led to large protests in Germany, the home country of Rudolph Diesel. A diplomatic conflict was born between Schröder, president of Germany, and George W. Bush, head mascot of the USA. When in 2004 the world thought this conflict was finally solved, Gerhard Schröder, as revenge for the Diesel Debacle, denied aid to the USA attacking Iraq. For this reason, he has come to be known as "The Mad Turk".
Unknown to many people, Vin Diesel actually received his rigorous training from Ross Kemp, which upon completion, his hair merely disappeared, which explains his mirror like sheen on his head, for like Ross Kemp himself, he no longer had the need for hair. It is this training that has been assumed to have given Vin Diesel his amazing supernatural ability to kick ass, regardless of the odds.
Contrary to his surname, Vin doesn't actually run on Diesel, he instead runs on concentrated false hopes and broken dreams.
It is a curious fact that if you rearrange the letters in "Vin Diesel", you get the phrase "I end lives." Cool, eh?
Vin Diesel is nowadays working on a prequel to "The Fast and The Furious", called "The Hurried and The Annoyed".
Vin Diesel and Bruce Willis are fierce enemies, and have been fighting since dawn of time, possibly earlier. The original reason for the conflict has been lost, but it has hypothesized that it started when Willis threw Vin Diesel's asian hooker down an elevator shaft. Bruce then proceeded to headbut Vin, knocking him into last week. Vin Diesel swore revenge, and he continues planning till this day.
[edit] Vin Diesel and Steve Ballmer
It has been confirmed by a US Select Committee that Vin Diesel is the only person in the entire world that Steve Ballmer could not Fucking Kill™. This is because doing so would violate several laws of physics. However, since "All The Laws of Physics" are almost top of his hitlist, this may change at any time.
so fuck him bold mother fucker
[edit] The Diesieoloical Argument
- Anselm once described Vin Diesel as 'the thought than which nothing greater can be thought".
- Rennée Descartres philosophised that just as a mountain must have a valley and a triangle must have 180 degrees, Vin Diesel must have awesomeness and kick-ass moves
- Richard Swinburne reasoned that the appearance of the word 'sweeeet' in the universe is evidence of Vin Diesel's existence
- Jean-Paul Sartre defined the three emotional consequences of freedom as anguish, abandonment, and Vin Diesel
- Hilary Putnam said we might well just be brains in vats being fed information by Vin Diesel
- When God said, "Let there be light," Vin Diesel flipped the switch.
[edit] Vin Diesel historical facts
- After the scientist invented the time-travel machine, Vin Diesel goes back in time and fused with Monalisa... Making an ultimate creature: MONALIESEL!
- Vin Diesel single handedly brought Taco Bell back to glory by suggesting they make soft tacos the way he does, with 100% ground beef, refried beans, and garnished with the eyes and testicles of his enemies.
- Due to common misconception, Vin actually runs on unleaded.
- Vin Diesel can solve the rubix cube in one move.
- Vin Diesel once ate lego blocks and crapped out the first Transformer toy.
- Vin Diesel performed intercourse with Mt. St. Helens in 1941. After retracting his burnt genitals, he constructed a steel cast to protect his pecker from further damage. We know this cast today as the Eiffel Tower. Countrary to popular belief, Mt. St. Helens actually erupted Vin Diesel's semen, which is red in color and up to 500 degrees farenheit.
- Star Wars is what happens in Vin Diesel's anatomy.
- Vin Diesel once made a go-kart that ran on the hopes and dreams of orphans.
- It goes fast.
- Really fast.
- It goes fast.
- When Vin Diesel told the Microsoft Word paper clip to go away, it never came back.
- Vin Diesel can use Hyper Beam without having to wait a turn to recharge afterward.
- Vin Diesel uses midgets as currency, skyscrapers as toothpicks, and wipes his ass with any logs, stones, or babies that are in the area at the time.
- Vin Diesel can be used under certain conditions as a table.
- That condition is commonly known as "suicidal"
- Vin Diesel is also a popular cocktail made from equal parts French wine and motor oil. It is known for its rich, full bouquet and has an SAE grade of 50. Vin actually means wine in Danish and other Scandinavian languages, so you might say that Vin Diesel's parents did the impossible: They mixed wine and diesel, which is, as many people know, polar and non polar mixed, which should be impossible. But Vin Diesel begs to differ.
- "F### you" were the last words he speaks after swimming the entire English Chanel.
- Vin Disel has huge muscles in his gluteus maxiums they are hard as steel!!!!! He killed 12 iraqis with his butt.....because I'm completely and utterly retarted!!!!!.....
- A 15 minute guitar battle between Diesel's character and Adolf Hitler (which Diesel easily won) was cut before the final release of Saving Private Ryan.
- Vin Diesel invented black, in fact he invented every color of the rainbow except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
- Vin Diesel doesn't use sunblock, the sun uses Vinblock.
- There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Vin Diesel allows to live.
- Vin Diesel played Russian Roulete with a fully loaded gun and won.
- If you were to lock Vin Diesel in a room with a guitar, a year later you would have the greatest album ever, it would sweep the Grammy's. When asked why he doesn't do this Vin replied "Because Grammy's are for queers." Then he ate a knife to show the seriousness of his response.
- If you rearrange the letters in Vin Diesel it reveals his credo: "I End Lives."
- In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Vin Diesel could use to kill you, including the room itself.
- Vin Diesel played Russian Roulete with a fully loaded gun and won.
- Vin Diesel can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
- Vin Diesel can set the sun on fire by channeling the power of ants through a magnifying glass.
- Vin Diesel is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
- Vin Diesel's morning breath is widely regarded cross-culturally as a weapon of mass destruction.
- The mere mention of Vin Diesel's name has been known to bring Ultimate Warrior to tears.
- Vin Diesel invented the Tootsie Pop. Consequently, the number of licks to get to the center is equal to his social security number. If this exact number of licks is achieved, you will be granted eternal life. This is why Bob Barker is still alive and on television.
- Most people don't know this, but the bible actually ends with Vin Diesel showing up at the crucifixion with a pair of Uzi's and kicking some Roman ass. Vin Diesel was all like, "Jesus, I totally saved you." Then, off on the horizon, a bunch of Romans show up riding dinosaurs led by Mecha Pontious Pilate. Jesus busts out this sweet ninja sword and says, "Now it's my turn to save you." Then Jesus and Vin Diesel run towards the Romans in slow motion. That's how the bible ends. It's a cliff-hanger. I can't wait for the sequel, "The Bible 2: Water...Into Blood".
- Vin Diesel nearly made it to the final table of the 1988 World Series of Poker. Which may not sound like much, but was impressive considering he thought they were playing Go Fish.
- Vin Deisel has never in his life, worn sleeves
- That's no moon; that's Vin Diesel.
- Vin Diesel's wife uses Vin Diesel as a rowing machine.
- Vin Diesel isn't afraid of the dark- the dark is afraid of Vin Diesel
- There is no Hubble Space Telescope, only Vin Diesel.
- Vin Diesel sweats Vaseline
- We have nothing to fear but fear itself. Fear has nothing to fear but Vin Diesel
- Vin Diesel put the 'p' in raspberry, just to show that he could.
- Vin Diesel once won a game of monopoly while in jail.
- Vin Diesel thinks in infra-red.
- Vin Diesel can talk in Tetris.
[edit] Filmography
- Brantford (1995) - Vin Diesel plays a psychopathic vigilante who battles a man-eating boardgame and psychotic librarians.
- 2 Kill or Not 2 Kill (????) - Vin Diesel crash lands into the Globe Theatre during a play of Hamlet and challenges Shakespeare to an illegal armwrestling match.
- Hey You! (Japan, 2000) - In his first "with hair" film, Vin Diesel plays a middle aged man being chased by an exponentially growing group of Japanese men trying to return Vin-san his wallet back.
- Drop Ship (USA, 2001) - Vin Diesel plays a one-eyed man who crash lands on an alien planet inhabited by the blind. Many pitched battles unfold and he eventually becomes king.
- 2 Pitch 2 Black (USA, 2003) - Vin Diesel plays blind man who crash lands on a dark planet inhabited by blind aliens. An ill-advised crew choose him to lead them to their eventual deaths as they stumble around aimlessly for months.
- 2 Chronicles 2 Riddick (USA, 25000 BC) - Vin Diesel returns in his most famous role as "blind man" and fights an evil cult, comprised almost entirely of effeminate stamp-collecting postal-workers named Ethan for some reason. He challenges them to an illegal street race and then they buy him toothbrushes.
- 2 Diesel 2 Fucks 2 Everyone (Cuba, 1859) - Vin Diesel crashes Earth onto another planet full of women, who all look like Vin Diesel. He impregnates all of them and they all give birth to baby Vin Diesels, except one who gives birth to Mr. T. The remainder of the movie deals with Vin's emotional fallout because of this.
- 2 Bright 2 Sunny (USA, 2004) - Vin Diesel plays an albino who crash lands on a very sunny planet inhabited by magnifying glasses.
- Sonic the Hedgehog: The Movie (Mobius, 2005) - Vin Diesel plays Knuckles the Echidna, a wise-cracking, crack-sniffing Rastafarian rodent. He must use his super-strength to help Sonic (Keanu Reeves) find the Chaos Emeralds and stop Dr. Ivo “Eggman” Robotnik.
- Find Me Guilty (USA, 2006) - A comedy-drama based on the longest Mafia trial in American history. Mobster Giacomo DiNorscio, also known as "Fat Jack" (played by Vin Diesel), faces a series of charges but decides to stand trial instead of ratting out his family and associates. A wrench is thrown into the system when DiNorscio attempts to defend himself and act as his own lawyer at trial. It is directed by Sidney Lumet, and also stars Peter Dinklage and Linus Roache. The man whom Vin Diesel played in the movie died during filming, and Vin Diesel had to gain 30 pounds to play the part. These two facts are in no way connected, and Vin Diesel was never charged with cannibalism.
- 2 Diesel 2 Expensive (Sri Lanka, 1985) - Vin Diesel plays a man affected by the credit crunch who must compete in illegal street races using sunflower oil and other forms of inexpensive means of fuelling ones car, to gain the right to use the last 10 litres of diesel in the world, but also making global warming happen in the end which makes his eyes change.
[edit] See also
[edit] External links
- Vin Diesel Fact Generator
- Vin Diesel Video The largest Vin Diesel video collection on the net
- VinXperience Probably his biggest fan site with thousands of users, tons of info and always up to date
- Unofficial Vin Diesel Fan Club Lively Community, Most up to date News, Videos, Sounds
- Vin Diesel Video Collection The Ultimate Vin Diesel Multimedia Collection
