Vegetarian

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“If vegetarians love animals so much, why do they eat all their food?”

~ Jaroslav

“Carrot juice is murder!!!”

~ The Arrogant Worms

“If god didn't want us to eat animals, then why did he make them of meat?”

~ Jesus Christ

“If your snot turns green it means your brain is a vegetarian”

~ Bob Bobertson on Vegetarianism

“Save a cow, eat a vegetarian”

~ Hannibal Lecter on Saving Cows

“Thank god for vegetarians. Meat eaters ate Bob yesterday.”

~ A cow on Poor Bob the cow got eaten
A sign vandalized by an angry mob of cannibals
A sign vandalized by an angry mob of cannibals

A vegetarian is a person who believes in the humane treatment of vegetables. Vegetarians believe that vegetables should not be eaten or killed. They have been known to protest the inhumane treatment of vegetables in public, often leading to violent fights from vegetable eaters and usually at least one death, and more on a good day. Vegetarians feel that vegetables should be given equal rights as humans, and they succeeded in a 2002 campaign to get a celery stick elected to American Senate. Their doctrine is referred to as vegetarianism.

Some vegetarians point out that the word vegetarian comes from the Latin vegetus, meaning lively. These vegetarians only eat meat so fresh that it is still moving on the plate.


Contents

[edit] History

Vegetarianism was first described by Sir Isaac Newton after a cow fell on his head while he sat under an apple tree during a tornado. Newton is credited with the creation of Vegetarianism Theory, which is built on a number of axioms:

The commutative property of soy: Soy may be stored in any location and will taste the same.
The nihilistic property of soy: Soy may have no taste.
The law of the conservation of soy: Soy may not be created nor destroyed: only transformed.

Newton's vegetarian theories are the best known of the era, and a cookie would later be named in Newton's honor. It should be noted, however, that Leibniz simultaneously and independently postulated many of the same principles; however, the Eggplant Leibniz was a rather less successful dessert.

Yet, Vegetarianism Theory would not reach its apex until the groundbreaking (or, perhaps, ground-sowing) work of Enrico Fermi who, after walking past an experimental nuclear reactor with a pocket full of kidney beans, found himself the surprised possessor of a pocket full of chili. Building on Einstein's work with quantum mechanics, Fermi realized that the mass destroyed was proportional to the square of tastiness gained – thus, the equation:

math

where m stands for the mass of the food in question, u represents the 'zest constant,' or about 5.3023 millibars, the huge Greek thing stands for the soy conversion factor (which may range from zero to 1.5), and k is to stand for tastiness gained, as measured in picolitres.

Fermi published his first results in the Journal of Culinary Physics in 1941 – the first significant article in a journal which had long focused on such minutiae as the correct angle to flip pancakes and the proper torque of the strokes used in the formation of aerated lactose neo-1,5-hydroglutamate, also referred to as "whipping cream." Fermi's article was originally to be called "Twentieth Century Discourses in Soya Dynamics and Osmosis: an Interdisciplinary Approach"; however, this was deemed too idiotic by the editing staff, and was changed to "Do you eat cows? I don't anymore: An Interdisciplinary Approach."

Initial academic reaction to Fermi's work was mixed. “Do you eat cows?” was immediately accepted in the vegetarian ghettos of American cities, their inhabitants formerly having validated their lives using only Newton's incomplete works. George Orwell's Animal Farm is said to be based directly on Fermi's conception of vegetarianism, with the structure of the farm representing modern agroeconomic concepts, and with Snowball and Napoleon representing Archer Daniels Midland and Dole Bananas. Yet, many noteworthy scientists were quick to reject vegetarianism, with ethologist Jane Goodall going so far as to call it a “crock of shit” on a television talk show in 1960:

All I'm saying is that there are animals that you eat, and animals that you don't eat. I mean, I'd be lying if I told you that I never looked at one of those monkeys and went, “Man, wouldn't that be a great dish of spare ribs?” But Enrico Fermi...that's definitely the kind of animal that you would want to eat. I mean, with hoisin sauce or otherwise.

She was, it should be added, eating a chicken drumstick during the course of the interview.

Fermi's work seems to have withstood the test of time, however, and "Do you eat cows?" stands as a monument to scientific literature worldwide. In a recent survey of college librarians, "Do you eat cows?" was rated as the third most important literary work of the twentieth century, behind only the February 1996 issue of Teen People magazine (featuring the quiz entitled, "Is your hair too fat?") and Albert Einstein's later (1968) work, "Do you eat soy? I freaking don't. You sack of shit, Enrico Fermi."

Those fucking French are normally veggie heads.

[edit] Recent developments in Vegetarianism

The String (Bean) Theory is perhaps the most important of the modern continuations of Fermi's work. Pioneered by Stephen Hawking (the famous vegetarian scientist who lost use of his legs after being trampled by a herd of dairy cows), the String (Bean) Theory is best summed up by Hawking himself:

The n-dimensional hyperspace is known to intersect corn, which produces well known quantum vibrations, resulting in the altered motion of planets, as well as cans of Hunt's Baked Beans. Also, quantum vibrations emit particles that humans like to call snow peas, but which I call "orbs of tasty photonic resonance."

Vegetarianism has been an unpopular cause in the top echelons of American government. In a recent biography of Dick Cheney, author Joseph J. Ellis claims that Cheney shared some choice words about the doctrine during a press conference. "Consuming blood and flesh is our God-given duty," he is believed to have said. "God wants us to. It's referred to in the Bible even, you know, 'go forth and eat your world, for I am the Lord thy God.' So I say, why get in the way?" Cheney later refuted this charge, noting that "My mom was half cow. How could I eat my mother?"

Historians have found tapes in Carl Sagan's house that he made while under the influence of cannabis (the most vegetarian of drugs) where he is said to have exclaimed, “There are vegetarians on Mars! I know it! Mars is going to be the green planet! Soon! I know it! Lynn, pass me another stalk of celery.”

Vegetarianism was also among the leading social causes of the 1970s, especially after the publication of the poem by Gil Scott-Heron: 

The revolution will not be brought to you by Kentuckistan
Fried Chicken. It will not be brought to you with a bowl
of gravy on a bed of mashed potatoes. It will not
be grilled or breaded or shaved and made into patties.
Brother, let me you hear, the revolution will not be tenderized.

Heron is said to have written the poem after seeing television coverage of the Kent State Massacre, which occurred after the National Guard opened fire on students who refused to eat their cafeteria hamburgers. The students held the cafeteria hostage, chanting and bearing placards proclaiming “Broccoli, not Burgers.”

[edit] PETOV

The PFTETOV, which stands for People for the Ethical Treatment of Veggies, is an organization formed by vegetarians to promote the vegetarian cause. The organization encourages the use of violence as a means of getting their message out, often killing vegetable eaters to "show them what it feels like". The PFTETOV's pamphlets state that over one trillion innocent vegetables are killed each year for food. The Association of American Farmers does not deny this, but once commented “they are just vegetables, its not like it really matters”.

In the Netherlands a splinter cell of the PFTETOV formed and called themselves the Vegetarian Civil Rights Movement. After eighty years of war all vegetarians in the Netherlands received the right to vote. Their charismatic leader Jan Peter Balkenende became the first vegetarian ever to become a prime minister anywhere in the world. His "I have a lettuce" speech is legendary.

[edit] The Vegetarian Army

Because vegetarians hate other humans that eat vegetables, vegetarians resort to hiring Cabbages to help fight for them. The hiring of these cabbages resulted in World War 2. The cabbage, being a rabid murderous killer, attacked France without warning and ate all the people and food, except for the vegetables and those horrid snails, of course. Vegetarians are cautious, however, when being around their cabbage army. That is because if a cabbage does not have it's daily supply of Vitamin Human, then it will resort to attacking and devouring the vegetarians themselves.

[edit] See Also

[edit] Popular diets

[edit] Alternatives to Vegetarianism

[edit] List of vegetarians

[edit] Did you know?

  • ...that vegetarians like bacon?
  • ...that vegetarians do practice orc cannibalism?
  • ...that vegetarians are the only humans with almost working sex organs?
  • ...that Bruce Campbell eats vegetarians?
  • ...that vegetarians plot to turn us in to vegetables and eat us?
  • ...that they are the favoured prey of chameleons, wheelbarows, flies and compost heaps?
  • ...that Roger Clemens is not a vegan, but he did inject V8 into his ass?
  • ...that Mad Cow Disease (BSE)is the first step in a plot by Vegans to rule the world?
  • ...that vegetarianism is the first sign of a lesbian (they avoid all meat)?
  • ...that the vegetarian diet originated in Nazi Germany?
  • ...that all vegetarians suffer from a disease that makes little vaginas appear on their skin and when the disease matures, they become one big pussy?
  • ...that some eat haribo even though that contains animal fat
  • ...they like peas. From Liam.

[edit] External links


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