Vancouver
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Vancouver luckily is in Canada and everyone in the room you are sitting in is hopelessly wondering what Vancouver is and why you should recognize its existence. Now prod it with a stick and repeat. Oranges 7 has been known to wander there on sundays.
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[edit] History
One of the couver, Hong-couver Coffee House, or Vansterdam, is located in the South-West,North-East of British Columbia. This name is due to the incredible amount of pot located there. I mean, if you ever go, it is totally legal here dude. No, seriously man.
Lord Stanley was said to have muttered "Vancouver" when smoking peace pipes with the Injuns, which is why we still call it that today. Recently discovered documents reveal its historical name as "Got-Any-Change".
[edit] Famous Faeces
- Phil Western is considered to be the most famous person living in Vancouver after being knighted by her majesty Queen Elizabeth II for his amazing and inspirational song "The Penis". The song topped the Canadian charts for several months from then.
- David Suzuki is notorious for wanting to end the human race and lead an army of Ents to destroy all of humanity.
- Gassy Jack is well known for getting himself and others drunk in his bar and Steamboating while intoxicated.
- Matthew Good is commonly seen walking the streets, normally pissing people off. It's "what he does".
- Oscar Wilde actually had his first homosexual experience in Vancouver, leading to the town's well-beloved nickname "That place where Oscar Wilde rendez-vouzed with 12 dudes at the same time? Wow, Vancouver really is the gayest place on Earth. Not that there's anything wrong with that..."
- City mayor Dominic Da Vinci is usually seen around Vancouver with a camera crew for his reality TV show Corner Gas.
- David Stanfield is the best actress in the world. He also loves to pole dance.
- Gordon Scampbell is the King of British Columbia and major spokesperson for Bacardi.
- Lougheed Highway, aka Highway 7 aka Strippers Deluxe. 'Nuff said.
- Michael Buble (aka Mike Booby) began the Anti-Bullying movement after enduring too many "boob lay" jokes during grade 9.
[edit] Culture
The hippies are usually found on Commercial Drive, sitting outside a coffee shop while smoking some dope. Sushi and hockey are also part of the city's culture, with an annual slap shot sushi tournament hosted by Molson Coors.
[edit] International Disputes
Vancouver, BC has a running dispute with Vancouver, Washington over which should be considered the 'true' Vancouver. This tension has often spilled over into the international arena, and has been the cause of several attempts at invasion from one city or the other, neither of which has been especially successful.
Ironically, the two cities have many things in common:
- The citizens of both cities often cross the border in order to get tax breaks.
- Nobody in either town has especially good personal hygeine.
- The economy of both cities relies heavily upon exporting illegal substances.
These similarities have led many to speculate that Vancouver, Washington and Vancouver, BC are really one and the same city, separated by thousands of years of time. Recently, the Vancouver, Washington city council narrowly passed a measure to change the name of the city to Vancouver, AD.
Also Vancouver is in constant war with the city state/hellhole of Surrey. Vancouver is attempted to get Surrey to leave it the hell alone and move far, far away and never be a part of Greater Vancouver again. It can go live with Chilliwack.
[edit] Interesting Facts
- Vancouver is what passes for an interesting city in Canada.
- The city proclaims to have the largest amount of dirt per person
- Was declared a "van-free" zone by Greenpeace in 1987
- Has never had a population greater than Fish
- Is a leading city in the introduction of stairs
- There is a vortex of "Suck" coming from an area near Southlands. The cause is believed to be Christopher Bence
- Produces an alcohol-free scotch under the brand name "Smotch"
- Has third official language (Cantoneez)
- Stole the recipe for Nanaimo bars
- Dolphins escape via the Sea-to-sky highway when Vogons arrive
- Vancouver is considered one of the most "livable" cities in the world due to its plentiful oxygen, edible twigs and berries, and lack of harmful ultraviolet radiation.
- The city where water was discovered for a hundredth time
- There is another vortex connecting Surrey with northeast India, and everyone travels by it.
- A locale that has seen many an astronomy experiment turn frisky
- If some guy walks by you saying "pot, weed, doobies, weed, dope..." ***FOLLOW HIM***
- UBCers constantly sit around staring into space
- UBCers are Harvard rejects
- SFUers frequently get the finger
- SFU really means "So F*ing Useless"
- There are only two schools in Vancouver, St. George's, a school not for the gay or for the rich but for the rich AND gay as well as St. John's, a school run by William Shatner and Wolverine for Canadian children with superpowers. All the other schools were converted into safe-injection sites.
- The SkyTrain is really a means of drug transportation, as well as a mobile landfill.
- Jimmy Pattison clubs baby seals and wears their furs, he also eats babies
- Has so many per-capita Starbucks that new locations must now open inside the restrooms and parking lots of existing locations!
- Is the only place on earth where no one has seen the sun in 5 years, caused by the natural phenomenon called rain.
- UBC stands for: University of a Billion Chinese
- Falling asleep on the skytrain will cause you to travel to an alternate reality where you are in Surrey and your wallet is gone.
- Marijuana Grow-Ops served more customers than McDonalds for the first time in late 2006.
- The Hollywood Sign was moved to here from Los Angeles,United States.
- Vancouver and most of the Lower Mainland is looking to become its own, independant country. It would have aboot the same population as Mongolia.
[edit] Safe-Injection Sites
Former Vancouver Mayor Nicholas Campbell (** Note: The current mayor is some guy in a wheelchair ... rumoured to be none other than Stephen Hawking from a parallel universe) began a program of safe injection sites for homeless Starbucks addicts (who account for roughly 79% of the population in the downtown east-side). In safe injecions sites, Starbucks addicts are permitted to inject Tim Hortons' double doubles into their bodies through safe, sterile needles. These safe injection sites include:
- clinics
- community support centres
- fast food restaurant bathrooms
- GM Place
- Dark Alleys
- Tim Hortons locations
- On the corner of Main and Hastings in broad daylight
- Your front lawn
- Your neighbours front lawn
- The hood of your car
- Canada Place
- BC Place
- Canucks dressing room
- Skid Row
- Your hotel hallway
- In front of the police station
- Pretty much everywhere else
- Other
[edit] Fun things to do in Vancouver
- Inject
- Take shortcuts through dark alleys in the middle of the night
- Get begged for money wherever you go
- Go to Vancouver Aquarium and get the otters high
- Complain about how much Vancouver Aquarium sucks
- Hold up Traffic on the Portman Bridge (People are always doing this)
- Buy drugs
- Use pay parking everywhere
- Get your car towed away
- Grow drugs
- Go for a ride in a police car
- Sell drugs
- Do drugs
- Throw a penny in the downtown area and watch bums fight to the death
- Cheer for the Canucks
- Watch the Canucks blow yet another chance at the playoffs
- Do more drugs
- Be indian or chinese
- Go To The NEEDLE EXCHANGE.
- Attend the nightly soup kitchen.
- Go see a fight for free in heroin park.
- Attend Emo Anual Meetings. "Emo's anonymous"
- SMOKE WEED THEN GO SEE A MOVIE.
[edit] Stories Of Vancouver Visiters
"One day I was walking down hastings street, a man came running up to me with a needle, and told me I would like it. So I took it." He says. "It turned out it was Micheal Jackson, 'My Male Gothic Cousins Boyfriend" who gave me the drugs and took me to my neighbors front lawn to get a fix." he explained.
[edit] Condominium Infestation
Vancouver has an uncontrolled infestation of Condominiums. Condominiums are the principal dwellings of Douchebags and Guidos. Each Vancouver Condo owner believes that he or she is a Real Estate Baron, who knows what nobody else in the world is financially sophisticated enough to understand. Because of this special knowledge, Vancouver Condominium owners feel entitled to become wealthy simply by signing up for a 40-year-no-downpayment mortgage at the Bank, convenience store, Money Mart, or Pawn Shop. Most Vancouver condo owners pass their days at the YMCA watching little boys take showers while they wait for God and/or Bob Rennie (who invented the Presale as well as the Yeast Infection and anal rape) to make them as rich as they know they are entitled to be. The name of the city has now been changed to Vancondo.
[edit] Condominium Presales
Condominium Presales are the shit that Vancouver Douchebags wallow in.
