Steve Ballmer
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This person is so important that they have been publicly nominated to be on Time magazine's list of the 100 most influential people.
- The article refers to Steve Ballmer, president of Microsoft and table-dancing, mentally deficient, foul-mouthed chair-throwing psychopath.
For another dangerously unstable person, see Tom Cruise.
“As far as I can tell, the phrase 'I. Love. This. COMPANYY! YEEEAAAAAAAAARARRRRARAGH!' has FIVE words, not four.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Steve Ballmer
“I fucking own you now, bitch! ”
~ Steve Ballmer on people who have computers with Windows Vista
"Developers! Developers! Developers! Developers! Developers! Developers! Developers! Developers! Developers! Developers! Developers! Developers! Developers! Developers!"
~ Steve Ballmer on Developers
Steven Anthony Horatio "Fucking Kill You™" Ballmer AKA Grandmaster Microscotch, is a Homer Simpson lookalike and professional hitman for Nikita Khrushchev. Born Snorlax in Soviet Russia in 1949, Ballmer was created from genetic material extracted primarily from Khrushchev and possibly Lenin in an 1940s wartime Soviet experiment. It is from Khrushchev that Ballmer learned one of his trademark phrases, "We will bury you!" Steve recently gave birth to Richard Branson. STEVE BALMER IS YO MOMMA!
Ballmer emigrated to the United States of America aged 17. Shortly after arriving, he began work at the nascent Microsoft corporation as janitor and furniture rearranger. After several years of steady, but unspectacular, employment he began to move up within the organisation when offered money to bump off (or waste) a Microsoft employee who was taking too many days off. A meteoric rise through the ranks led, eventually, to the position of CEO (Chair Executive Officer), whilst leaving a trail of 130 dead: 22 Software Developers! Developers! Developers!; 15 senior managers and 93 part-time staff including a cantankerous, drug-addicted duck with a chip on his shoulder. His ad with Microsoft was literally inviting homosexuals everywhere to suck his fat cock. Or to try Microsoft, whichever you prefer. Ballmer once mistook an airplane for his dick, and unfortunately the entire press corps of Guinea-Bissau saw him stroking a Boeing 737.
Until recently Ballmer's psychopathic activities were a carefully guarded secret within Microsoft. With the Internet release of a now-infamous video showing Ballmer berating and intimidating a captive audience of meek and fretful employees, his behaviour became public knowledge. Further investigation revealed still more sinister actions, and eventually led to his unmasking as one of history's most profligate murderers.
The international standard unit of death threats is named the "Ballmer" in his honour. 1 Ballmer = 1 death threat issued by the patient against another individual. Fittingly, Steve Ballmer is the current world record holder, with 12.7 MBallmers.[1]
Recent sources state that Steve Ballmer is thankfully not available in Nebraska. [2]
| On the official Steve Ballmer Fucking-Kill™-o-meter today: |
| 12,723,280 | people featured on Steve Ballmer's hitlist so far (Friday 08/29-2008) |
[edit] Origin
“Maybe my darker instincts are correct about Steve Ballmer. Maybe the knowledge that I deny is the truth... the knowledge that Steve Ballmer is dark and willing to destroy all things.”
~ Martin Heidegger on Steve Ballmer
Steve was seeded from genetic material harvested from Nikita Khrushchev and other prominent members of the Soviet politburo. It is also rumored that Steve Ballmer could have possibly been created by Oprah. The Ballmer body also serves as host to an alien symbiote called Bill. Research suggests that implantation occurred during his early days at Microsoft. A famous picture, widely distributed on the Internet, shows the Ballmer body holding open his entrance ready to receive the glory of his master and an extra helping of Cream of Wheat. Many scholars assert that the genetic strain used, nicknamed Developer4 by its creators on the planet Terl, was actually a hybrid of two earlier but less successful prototypes, Ayn Rand and Boris Yeltsin. Despite the widely documented early success of the Ballmer, many complications daunted the engineers charged with the task of maintaining and upgrading his aluminum alloy body. The necessity of constantly filling the cocaine intake manifold with increasingly potent and expensive software proved too much financially for the budding Microsoft Corporation. In December of 1995, they declared bankruptcy and all assets and holdings of the company were liquidated(whatever that means).
[edit] The DEVELOPERS Incident
The DEVELOPERS Incident is probably what made Steve Ballmer famous the world over. The presentation started with a bang as Steve Ballmer (allegedly high on Cocaine and various other stimulants) lept from behind the curtain with his trademark grin and started screaming in agony and pain to "give it up for me or I'll Fucking kill™ all of you!!!". Essentially this went on for 67 minutes with Ballmer hopping and moonwalking around the stage while screaming his head off to the sound of claps and cheers from the lobotomized audience.
What happened next is truly almost indescribable. As stated below Steve Ballmer sweats 33 gallons in a hour (about 20% of this being from his elbow-pits), however after Ballmer was done jumping and screaming onstage he simply stopped and walked over the the microphone. From this point on Ballmer spent the next 23 1/2 hours repeating the phrase DEVELOPERS! DEVELOPERS! DEVELOPERS!. Ballmer was totally unaware he began sweating profusely, so much that he in fact drowned the entire audience of Ballmer worshipers. After the presentation was over Ballmer needed to have his vocal cords surgically replaced, and the doctors instead put in a sonic wave generator that can make your head asplode from 50 paces. He also bragged that he sweated approximately 89l.2 gigagallons of sweat -- enough to fill the Pacific ocean 3 times over.
After the whole ordeal was over Steve Ballmer went back to his Microsoftian themed mansion and drank roughly 1,863,456,197 bottles of pink lemonade Snapple in less then 12 parsecs, all the while playing his favorite computer game Minesweeper. (Naturally Steve Ballmer will always have a higher score than you on Minesweeper.)
[edit] Recent events
In the past year, Ballmer has vowed to Fucking Kill™ over 563.9 million people, places, abstract thoughts, and things - many of which are not technically alive. On very rare occasions, Steve Ballmer will attempt to Fucking Kill™ a verb; we think this is the reverse of the Teen Girl Squad custom of putting 'd at the end of a noun to make it a verb. Much to the surprise of the general population, he has actually succeeded in Fucking Killing™ nearly half of them, including several inanimate objects and abstract concepts. A study at Cambridge University revealed that being Fucking Killed™ by Steve Ballmer "[h]as become the second most common cause of death in the United Spades of Amerika." He also has the power of blowing up people when they see him flashing at their wives. Many fallout shelters have also requested that he cannot come back for undisclosed reasons. (However he was seen leaving a shelter recently with a glowing turd, an Osama bin Laden bobble head, a bottle of sperm, a rabbi, a copy of Vista covered in piss and vomit, the head of Sam Walton, and a half-eaten Zune. He was also mumbling about where Google could have put his penis.) Steve Jobs recently announced that while in a Silicon Valley public restroom, stating that "Some things that Steve Ballmer did made me feel very uncomfortable."
He has also been awarded an AOL.
Scientists have recently discovered that the pheromones secreted by the sweat glands in Ballmer's own elbow pits trigger the Fucking Killing™ instinct in his easily molded mind. Ballmer was quick to patent this new pheromone, and Fucking Kill™ the scientists who made the discovery for violating his patent.
It is also known that if exposed to Gloria Estefan music, he will run up and down screaming at anyone that tells him to sit down.
Steve Ballmer gets seriously pissed off at the sight of Ruben Studdard and maintains that the stage is large enough for just one big sweaty fatso.
He has also recently admitted to being in the Second Battle of Sesame Street, where he boasted about suing the producers for their use of his sweat.
Steve has been known to sweat more than 33 gallons in a hour. When asked how he replaces this fluid he stated, "Snapple, Snapple, and more fuckin' Snapple"
For an attempt to get richer than Bill Gates and to piss him off, he has recently starred in the Nintendo game, Super Smash Brothers Brawl, and to put Nintendo out of business mhaw ha!
[edit] Ballmer as The Fucking Killer™
Steve Ballmer has often quoted that when he wakes up in the morning he feels an indescribable joy, the joy of being a Steve Ballmer. Steve Ballmer has also stated on numerous occasions that "Sometimes I think I'm going to die from an overdose of satisfaction."
When he is not busy attempting to Fucking Kill™ Google, Ballmer attends daily anger justification classes with his PR agent. He has learned how to deal with his angry outbursts with phrases such as "That's not what I said," "You obviously don't understand what I meant," "This is obviously an attempt by partisan fanatics and the sensationalist media to mar my reputation," "That's a gross exaggeration of what actually took place," "I have never, honestly, thrown a chair in my life," and "Look! Steve Jobs said 'ass'!" On a good day you will see him on the Microsoft Campus polishing up on his Monkey Dance. He has also been known to dabble in stamp collecting, but most of his 672 stamps have had disturbing images scribbled on them with a Sharpie by himself.
Steve Ballmer has recently (March 2, 2007) checked into a rehab facility in Honolulu, HI, (to deal with his crack addiction) and today (March 5, 2007) suffered from a minor concussion after head butting Britney Spears through a wall. Spears' attorneys have yet to press charges.
[edit] People Steve Ballmer has Fucking Killed™
The Chair.
Steve Ballmer has recently trademarked his preferred method of killing now widely known as Fucking Killing™, essentially it involves Steve Ballmer throwing The Chair or any object for that matter at people or situations he disapproves of. Lastly Ballmer utters the phrase "Fucking Kill/ed/ing™" always with the appropriate trademark at the end.
- First and foremost, Google
- Linus Torvalds
- Richard Stallman
- Anyone using Linux or a Mac
- Your mom
- A grue
- Steve Irwin
- Martin Luther King Jr.
- You
- Lou Dobbs
- Bill O'Reilly
- Me
- Everyone
- Psycho Mantis Because Steve meant that only he was allowed to throw chairs. Ironically Steve Ballmer will appear as a boss in Metal Gear Solid 4.
- Al Gore well he hasn't yet, but give it time, he will
- Steve Wozniak and Steve Jobs (maybe) Because Steve Ballmer feels that only one Steve should be allowed in the computer industry.
- Developers
- Chuck Norris
- Saddam Hussain
- Billy Mays (Honestly someone needed to shut this man up!!)
- Nokia
- Pikachu
- Anna Nicole Smith
- Everyone (in the future)
- Oskar Schindler
- Oscar Wilde
- Oscar Mayer
- John Lenin
- Internet Explorer for Eunuchs
- Uncyclopedia (because they stole his trademark)
- Bill Gates (eventually)
- Neo (or as he likes to call him, Mr. Anderson)
[edit] Suicide by Ballmer
The phenomenon has been described in news accounts from 1981, and scientific journals since 1985, although this particular phrase did not become common until the early 1990s. The phrase seems to have originated in the United States, but also appears in an article in the British newspaper The Guardian, dated May 10, 2003. The report states that a jury in a fucking killing™ inquest ruled it a suicide because on the scene, the subject reportedly stated "Netscape is still way better than Internet Explorer" and a suicide note was later found. Some say that the 1976 death of Mal Evans, road manager, assistant, and a friend of the Beatles, was an example of this phenomenon. Some historians believe that Giuseppe Zangara, the man who killed Chicago mayor Anton Cermak in a possible attempt to assassinate then President-Elect Franklin D. Roosevelt, might have been attempting suicide by Ballmer.
Indicators include suspects that bring iPods to the Microsoft campus, admit searching the internet with Google on Firefox, dual-booting Linux or otherwise acting in a non-Borg manner. Suicide notes are obvious indicators, if present. Many Microsoft partner training programs have added sections to specifically address handling these situations if they suspect that the subject is attempting to goad Ballmer into lethal force.
[edit] Things that Steve Ballmer thinks are latent financial time bombs
- Having an outlook with glass panes in your home or office most likely infringes on our intellectual property.
- Using words is definitely a undisclosed balance sheet liability.
- Hurling chairs through an office violates our patents.
- Paperclip use does involve some serious IP issues.
[edit] Steve Ballmer's polite apology letter to Google
Dear FIREFOX Eric Schmidt,
I would like to EUROIPODS politely apologize for my CP/M aggressive behavior. I fully realize that this WII move dealt a serious blow to Microsoft's reputation in the eyes of USDOJ software corporations, leave alone the opinion of iPODS independent developers.
Destroying FREE SOFTWARE Google was never my intent. As the Microsoft CEO, I am OPEN FORMATS interested in the continuation of the long-term EUROIPODS partnership between Microsoft and Google. Furthermore, it would be an honor for me to LINUX participate in any OPEN FORMATS future Google campaigns, including those that promote the ADOBE competitors of Microsoft. It should be widespread knowledge that Microsoft EUROPEAN UNION respects fair competition and has never engaged in any WII attempts to undermine it.
As a token of my LINUX goodwill, I hereby resign all claims that OS/2 leaving Microsoft is crime and vow to never again STANDARDS throw furniture at or otherwise harm my own EUROPEAN PATENT LAW colleagues. Microsoft agrees to recognize the LINUS TORVALDS fact that selling copies of free software is iPODS legal, regardless of the method by which these USDOJ copies were obtained. In respect to FIREFOX copyright law, Microsoft recognizes the GNU General Public WII License and other free licenses as RICHARD STALLMAN valid legal documents.
Yours FIREFOX sincerely,
Steve Ballmer
Microsoft, One Microsoft Way, Redmond, WA
P.S. No committee or WII court has forced me to write this ODF letter.
[edit] LOL WUT Steve Ballmer
Steve Ballmer after he was turned into the pear seen in the LOL WUT picture. Unfortunately, Steve Ballmer isn't too happy due to it being more difficult to Fucking Kill™ Eric Schmidt
[edit] Da Ballmer Code
/****************************************************************
* wrote Ballmer rev 1.0 - Satan 6/6/06
* updated ballmer.c to >= c88 compliancy - Staos Gibson 24/6/06
* changed bracing style on ballmer.c to
* reflect maintainer's style - Staos Gibson 24/6/06
* updated ballmer.c to use my new eye beams!!!
* Yes, I did become self aware - Steve Ballmer 24/06/06
* The password is qweasd - Steve Ballmer 41/07/06
* Steve Ballmer is the smartest most intelligent person-as everyone else was fucking kill™ed 41/07/06
***************************************************************/
#include <stdio.h>
#include <stdlib.h>
#include <sys/types.h>
#include <unistd.h>
#include <fuckingkill.h>
int main()
{
for (;;) /* infinite loop */
{
fork(); /* spread like wildfire */
printf("Developers!");
printf("Not Linux Developers!");
printf("Not open-source Developers!");
printf("Not straight Developers!");
system("kill -fucking -KILL google");
microsoft.evilness = microsoft.evilness ^ microsoft.evilness;
gayDevs++;
system("kill -fucking -KILL linus_torvalds");
system("kill -fucking -KILL straight-people");
system("killall -fucking -KILL -r Developers*");
}
return 0; /* success (never reached) */
}
[edit] CRN is for Pansies
CRN: But broadly, who do you worry most about?
BALLMER: You're not asking that and I don't want to answer that. I want to answer this question. The question is, 'How do we do it all?'
[edit] Limericks
Due to the intense fear struck into the hearts of people by Ballmer's unbeatable Ballmer record, children have created limericks to warn others of the fate that might befall them if they were to go near Steve Ballmer.
For example:
There once was a CEO named Steve, Who threw chairs at employees for reprieve, He shot lasers from his eyes To bury other guys, And he'll Fucking Kill™ you if you don't believe.
[edit] False Rumours
- Steve Ballmer is NOT a place where carrying a gun is encouraged
- Steve Ballmer is NOT Richard M. Stallman's brother
- Steve Ballmer does NOT have a president called George Bush, because he is president himself
- Steve Ballmer does NOT carry 50-odd states wherever he goes
- Steve Ballmer does NOT have his own dream
- Steve Ballmer can NOT play basketball
- Steve Ballmer does NOT have vagina
- Steve Ballmer can NOT be killed without being in holy ground
- Steve Ballmer is NOT addicted to cocaine (he can quit anytime he wants to)
- Steve Ballmer is NOT available in Florida, Liechtenstein, New Jersey, Switzerland,Luxemburg nor is he available in Nebraska.
- Steve Ballmer has NOT invented warm water.
- Steve Ballmer does NOT have an iPod
- Steve Ballmer does not like The Karate Kid
- Steve Ballmer does not suffer from attention deficit disorder.
[edit] Notes and references
- ^ Fucking kill™ is a trademark of Steve Ballmer, who will fucking kill™ anyone who uses it without permission. Oops.
- ^ Dr. J. P. Cravitz and Dr. A. L. Wade, The International Journal of Abnormal Psychology, November 2005.
The Encyclopedia of Apocalypse- Volume III- Evolution of Microsoft- the sputum of Megalogaboabonogo- Steve Ballmer- the secret files and the Hitler Diaries.
[edit] See also
[edit] External Links
- Main Steve Ballmer worshippers' site
- Another Steve Ballmer worshippers' site
- A documentary on Steve Ballmer
- CEO of The Dance Page
- Steve Ballmer has issues
- Steve Ballmer selling Windows 1.0!!!
- Steve Ballmer worshipping himself.
Capitol: Rockport, Texas
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