Spam (un-delicious for you)
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[edit] The Origin of Spam
There has been much contention over the exact nature and composition of spam. Luckily, you have this reliable and infallible resource where all information can be trusted just as much as Fox News. While there are spam factories in a number of nations, this is not where Whormel gets the raw product; these are just processing plants. The ultimate source of all spam is from an ocean mammal called the spam whale.
These creatures are caught out at sea by great fleets of spammermen and brought back raw and alive to be carved and packaged in Whormel processing plants.
The famous tin was designed in 1997, but an ongoing legal battle rages to this day about who designed it. Various sources, most notably NME.com claim it was Jesus Christ, whereas Kerrang.com states BBC Newsreader Bill Turnbull created the iconic spampack(tm)
[edit] Spam Processing
Due to a unique biology, there is no "meat" or specific part of the spam whale that contributes to the canned glory that you buy at the market. From snout to tail, inside and out, the entire creature is composed of fully cooked, ready-to-eat spam of matching density.
The whole whale is unceremoniously shoved into a series of tubes (usually leftovers from unused old sewer systems), packed in so that its head is sharing the same molecular space as the rectum of the whale in front of it. (One whale tried to attain some levity in this situation by making a comment about blowholes; this was not well-received and he was processed before it was his turn.) The whale-stack is then pressed forward through a metal grate by a hydraulic system. The grate slices the entire creature into long, horizontal, rectangular columns, which are swiftly cut vertically with piano wire by a team of elves with to be boxed and shipped, straight from the factory floor.
PETA does not approve of these practices, but really... who cares?
[edit] How to Serve Your Spammy Comestibles
- Egg and spam
- Egg, bacon and spam
- Egg, bacon, sausage and spam
- Spam, bacon, sausage and spam
- Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam and spam
- Spam, egg, spam, spam, bacon and spam
- Spam, spam, bread, potatoes, spam, and spam
- Spam, sausage, spam, spam, spam, bacon, spam, tomato and spam
- Spam, spam, spam, egg, and spam
- Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, baked beans, spam, spam, spam and spam
- Spam, Spam, Spam, Eggs, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Bacon, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam,Chicken, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Satan, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam and Spam
- Spam plus optional extras
- Lobster thermidor aux crevettes with a Mornay sauce garnished with truffle paté, brandy and with a fried egg on top and spam
- Spam
- Spam,Bacon,and mayonase
- Spam, Spam, Sperm, Spam, and Spam
- Bread, Spam, Cheese, Bread (spam sandwich or "shart" sandwich)
- Sparn
- Maps Backwards
[edit] The Dangers of Spam
In its pure form and taken orally, spam is mostly harmless. However, eating spam chronically will cause you to bloat and look a little like Ted Kennedy.
Be aware, as well, of a growing sub-culture centered around the "creative use" of spam products. As this threat is in its early stages, there are no laws or controls against spam abuse.
[edit] Spam Abuse
Spam abuse can lead not only to complete insanity but also to septum disintegration, heart palpitations, light-headedness, psychological addiction, miscarriage, birth defects, extremely low-interest loans, low gas mileage, anal seepage, syphilis, shitting of the mouth and high cholesterol. OH yes; and don't forget instant death. There is also a slim possibility that one could morph into Dr. Phil.
[edit] Suppository Use
- Spam can be very dangerous when stuck up y'bum. It has a tendency to merge with the soft tissues found in the colon and begin growing on its own. Very few cases of this have been reported, but the number has increased tenfold since the 1980's.The first recording of Spam wedged up an asshole is in 1984, by the president of Duck tape stroking community,George Mcgosh he wedged it up by mistake intending on a duck tape roll
- If you are already hooked on "stuck up y'bum spamming," you need to stop. As it is very recommended to help cope with the detox: kitten huffing.
- Whatever you do, if you have inserted spam into your anus any time in the past week, DO NOT GO SWIMMING! In all likelihood, you will be eaten by a giant squid, and PETA won't be around to save your ass.
[edit] What does SPAM stand for
Many people have asked this question for centuries on end. While some cultures believe the name "Spam" is bestowed by the gods, there has been a recent trend towards viewing it as an acronym. Proposals include:
- Some parts are meat
- Sheep Penis As Meat
- Spare Parts and Meat
- See Pamela Anderson's Melons
- Sick Puppy Are Me
- Seal Pups Are Meaty
- Spicy Pork And Ham
- Spicy Pineapple And Melon
- Sausage, Poop And Mustard
- Spineless Pork And (M)Ham
- Something Posing As Meat
- Spam Pieces And Mayonnaise
- Small People And Monkeys
- Slime Posing As Meat
- Silly Pope And Monkeys
- Some People Are Mad
- Small People Are Mini
- Shit People Are Making
- Savory Pasty Animal Meal
- Sausages Perhaps Are Moldy
- Someone Posing As Meat
- Sausages Practicing As Morons
- Sickly Post-humous Anal Meat
- Shitty Poop Assholes' Meat
- Semi-Precious Arse Metal
- Sales-People Are Munchy
- SPAM
- Something People Actually Molest
- Socks, Purple, ya mum
- So Poop Anorexic Mammoths
- Stupid Penis's Attacking Mormons
- Something Practically All Meat
- Someone's Past Alledged Meals
- Severed Parts And Meat
- Slimey Parts ARE Meat
- Spam sPam spAm spaM
See Also:
 | Chicken Soup for the Eyes |
| Baby food | Beer nuggets | Boogers | Candy | Cheese sandwiches | Condoleezza Rice | Cornbread | Hammus | French bikinis | Fried Chicken | Fudge | Goa Tse | Hairy tacos | Krispy Kreme | Mushrooms | Mangos | Paint stripper | Penis | Pudding | Orange sherbet | Rocky Mountain Oysters | Turd burgers | Spam | Tablets | Taco Bell |
