Sonic the Hedgehog
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- You may be looking for Shadow the Hedgehog and not even know it!
Sonic the Hedgehog (Born in 1991) is a blue hedgehog capable of running faster then the speed of sound. Supposedly. With his friends he runs around stopping an obese scientist from turning all the tiny forest animals into machines.
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[edit] Early History
[edit] Creation
Exactly 1,000 years ago, (The same time God made America) there were seven unnotable rocks that were turned into majestic, powerful stones by some unknown power,( Which is odd because that should PROBABLY be researched by now.)The stones gave birth to a giant, mutant called Chaos which, in turn, gave birth to an ancient civilazation called Scientology. The society disappeared, and was finally re-disccovered by Tom Cruise some time in 1989. He decided to gather people into this religion by means of a mascot. Tom Cruise decided that the mascot should be a full-grown man dressed as a baby. Cruise's advisor immediately said that the idea was "too fucking disturbing", and came up with the idea of a blue hedgehog. They named the hedgehog Sonic, not knowing of what would happen next. One day, Sonic came to life by means of the Chaos Emeralds, and moved to a remote area in Indonesia populated by talking animals, and ONE SINGLE human named Robotnik. Sonic's adventures have been recorded in the form of video games that prompted untold amounts of scary, obese cosplayers to dress up as the animal characters from the series. Upon learning of these people, Sonic yelled "Shit" out loud.
[edit] First Blood
So, like, Sega put the blue thing in a green hilly place and called him "Sonic" and then put electrodes all over his body so they could control his movement with shock treatment. It took a while for the creature to stop crying at all the little tiny shocks but eventually they broke his spirit and crushed his dreams and ambitions and they could control whatever he did with the push of a button. So then they got this fat guy to dress like a weirdo and made Sonic chase after him. And they thought this was cooler than Mario.
[edit] The Decline of Sonic
Sonic got into a bit of a scandal with the media upon killing a paparazzi, and was put in prison. Then rehab. Then McDonald's. Then back to rehab. Meanwhile, a team of professional psychologists came to study Sonic's behavior... however, they discovered that Sonic was not even a hedgehog... He was just a full grown man with very spiky blue hair. The error made by them was soon forgotten, because if it weren't for that thorough examination, NO ONE would have discovered the subtle differences of a small blue hedgehog, and a 6-foot tall man. Never. Also, in even further investigation, after an interview with Tails, the scientists discovered that Tails was actually a goldfish at Sonic's house... Who the hell were they interviewing?! Sonic went into a deep depression; as his glory days were over. He returned to a run-down shoddy house somewhere near the mountains; sitting on a couch, watching an antennae TV, while his noisy, unkempt children ran around, all the while Sonic periodically asking, "Why is the IRON still on??!!" Sonic decided to flee the country with a nuclear weapon,and a terrorist friend, and was never seen again. Government officials appointed by President George Bush decided not to look into the fact that Sonic is somewhere out there with a terrorist and a nuclear weapon; and are assuming that he and his friend moved somewhere in Massachusetts and are writing a Children's book illustrated by Maurice Sendak. Because the government is always right.
[edit] Sonic the Icon
As an apparent hero from his exploits, Sonic immediately amassed a massive fanbase, some more reserved than others. One particular incident involved a pink hedgehog breaking into his Green Hill Zone apartment and raping him. He denied the whole affair and put it down to karma. Tails is still chained up in Sonic's dungeon. One upshot of his success is that several copycat heroes have made names for themselves, some more successful than even Sonic himself. Sonic has since been playing a game of one-upmanship with this alleged recolor, often resulting in petty squabbles.
Shadow managed to commission his good friends Linkin Park to write a (suitably emo) song aimed entirely at Sonic, the now infamous among fans of all parties involved, "No U". This song was never released, but it ensured that over 9000% of all AMVs made by fans would feature Linkin Park's songs, helping propel them to success over their rivals in the AMV music business, Three Day's Grace. Oooh, that's a red link... evidence of Linkin Park's success then. :3
[edit] Sonic The Movie
The Wachowski Brothers (not to be confused with The Mario Brothers) offered to immortalise Sonic's adventure in the form a movie. He accepted, while forcing Tails' head deeper in between his knees in celebration of the news of Mario's diagnosis with Hepatitis, and is quoted as having said that "This is the best day ever". 10 months later the movie was released to abyssmal reviews and worse box office sales.
Sonic decieved Tails into thinking he was playing himself, when he was actually acting in an empty room with cardboard cutouts and the covers still on the camera lenses. Poor bastard didn't notice, even when Keanu Reeves fell over in to the water feature and ripped in half. Instead, Steve Buscemi was used. As a result, Tails was made 40000% creepier, suffered from psychotic paranoia and died near the end of the movie when Robotnik's fat carcass rolled over him, taking a few hours in the process and causing immense pain, which, being Steve Buscemi, he thoroughly enjoyed. Unfortunately, no stunt double was used in the scene, and Steve was killed. The decision to cast Vin Diesel as Knuckles backfired and he made everyone else look lame. He brought in most of the dough by upping the Jew factor and allowing for some borderline homoerotic flesh displays. But then when he started trying to act, the universe began to slowly collapse on itself, and Knuckles was cut from the movie after the opening titles.
[edit] Sonic in Combat
[edit] The Mushroom Kingdom War
Not to be confused with the Nintendo War, which is like confusing Bill Gates and Steve Jobs. I mean, guh!
While most forgot (Tails sure has hell didn't, not with those scars) about Sonic's escapade with Robotnik (who briefly turned emo afterwards), the repercussions were being felt across the universe in The Mushroom Kingdom. What then proceeded to happen was so inexplicable and random that it put The Most Quotable Smackdown of All Time to shame. Mario and slaves friends travelled to Mobius and challenged them to a track and field contest. There were no reports of buttrape, molestation, injury or death. Probably because the whole thing was under Nintendo supervision. Goddamit! You'd think the furries would have at least gotten their yiff on.
[edit] Sonic in Brawl
In 2008 a tournament was to be held where heroes of shapes and sizes would fight to the death. It was held by Nintendo and they needed one more competitor. It was between Sonic or Jack Thompson. It was very close but they decided to turn to Sonic and make Jack Thompson an assist trophy. Unfortunately, Sonic was being held in the dungeons of the Sega corporation for protests against the abuse of his trust, famously labelled as "Sonic the Hedgehog (2006)", which is reported to have never happened and confused everyone. Nintendo slave, I mean ambassador, Masahiro Sakurai, pleaded Sega to release Sonic for the tournament, stating that they would, in return, give Sega popular Nintendo characters as personal slaves, like Geno, Mewtwo, Roy, Waluigi, any character from Golden Sun, porkey, any character from Star Fox that wasn't a clone of Fox, MORE F-Zero characters, Hitler, Christopher Walken, E.T., Oscar Wilde and Gay Satan. Sega agreed to this deal and Sonic was released to much cheer. To celebrate his freedom, Sonic and pals dined on Chris Thorndyke, also to much cheer. His opponents include Mario, Lucario, Fox McCloud, at least five people nobody cares about, Lucario, Mark Twain; out for revenge against Oscar Wilde and Winston Churchill, God, Lucario, CATS, Chris Crocker, Weezer, Lucario and Simba. Chuck Norris was disqualified for giving Wario such an ass-pwning that he was handsome, and breaking Nintendo's three golden rules in one go:
- Nothing rated higher than U
- Use Wario's ugly mug whenever we need spare change for toll bridges
- Conquer the world through a series of fun mini-games
[edit] External links
Categories: Rewrite/Soft | Rewrite | SEGA | Video games | Animals | Gods | Sonic
