Samuel L. Jackson
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| NOT SAFE FOR PLANES!! |
| The snake you are looking at may not be plane safe! If Samuel L. Jackson saw this, claim that he did not look like a bitch. Otherwise, continue to read it until your snake urges are sated. |
SAMUEL L. MOTHAFUCKIN' JACKSON (BORN JANUARY THIRTY-FIRST, NINETEEN-FIFTY-EIGHT), ALSO KNOWN TO HIS ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS AS BAD MUTHAFUCKA, IS A SHARK EATING, SNAKE HATING, LITTLE-KNOWN CULT CANADIAN MOTHERFUCKER AND PRESIDENT OF MOTHERFUCKING ANTARCTICA!!!
WHY DO YOU THINK IT'S THE ONLY CONTINENT WITHOUT ANY MOTHERFUCKING SNAKES??? I'M SORRY, DID I BREAK YOUR CONCENTRATION??? WELL ALLOW ME TO RETORT!!! IT'S BECAUSE HE'S THE PRESIDENT OF MOTHERFUCKING ANTARCTICA. BITCH!!!
HIS TALENT AND SKILL AS A MOTHERFUCKING ACTOR CAN BE SEEN IN HOW EFFECTIVELY HE PLAYS A WIDE VARIETY OF MOTHERFUCKERS!!! HE PLAYS EVERY MOTHERFUCKER IN EVERY MOTHERFUCKING FILM EVER MADE!!! FROM "BOB" THE LONELY PLUMBER WITH A HEART OF GOLD IN "LOG JAMMING" TO THE NEUROTIC MOTHERFUCKER "TK-FOUR-TWENTY-ONE" IN "STAR WARS MOTHERFUCKER"!!!
JACKSON RECENTLY ENDORSED HIS OWN BRAND OF BEER, "SAMUEL JACKSON". "FUCK SAM ADAMS, I'LL KILL THAT BITCH!"
(Reader's Comment: Why do you have to talk that way?)
CAUSE THIS IS HOWS I TALK! HAVEN'T YOU SEEN MY MOVIES? MOTHER FUCKIN JUICE?! THAT MOTHER FUCKER WAS A GOOD ONE. DEEP BLUE MOTHER FUCKIN SEA? THEY ATE ME!! A MOTHERFUCKIN' SHARK ATE ME MOTHERFUCKER, AND I'M STILL MOTHERFUCKIN HERE!! YES, THEY MOTHERFUCKIN DESERVE TO DIE!! AND I MOTHERFUCKIN HOPE THEY MOTHERFUCKIN DIE AND MOTHERFUCKIN BURN IN MOTHERFUCKIN HELL!!
(Another Reader's Comment: But, I've seen your movies and you arent like that...)
MOTHERFUCKER! FUCK YOU! YOU DONT KNOW ME!!
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Birth
Sam Jackson (Full name: Samuel L. Mothafuckin' Jackson), was born in Gotham City hospital on January 31, 1942.
On that morning, his mother, Janet Jackson, pissed herself to make her husband, the late Jesse Jackson, think that her water was broken. Being an idiot, Jackson didn't realize his wife was only three months along, and that he had never had sex with her.
The story goes that, after driving through traffic with the Batmobile as an escort, the couple reached the hospital and, once a bed had been found for Janet, throwing off a homeless man with cancer, she revealed she wasn't actually giving birth. Oh, how they laughed.
That is, until Sam Jackson, annoyed he had been woken up in his womb for nothing, punched his way out of the womb using his kung-fucker, killing his mother and his father.
Later in life, Samuel L. Jackson came upon the revelation that the man he killed at birth was not his real father. His real father was Mr.T, a motherfucker that was not quite as bad but was backed up by Chuck Norris. To date, this is the only man Samuel L. Mothafuckin' Jackson has not been able to kill in direct confrontation. He has not yet faced Chuck Norris.
Childhood
Born an orphan (does that make sense? Shit, I don't know), Jackson was sent to work in the acid mines of Gotham City, until he was three, when he was adopted by learned elderly Jedi master and condiment producer Yoda.
Moving into Yoda's penthouse apartment in San Francisco, young Sam learnt the ways of the Force, how to make damn fine mustard, and also began reading the Good Motherfuckin' Book, in particular, Ezekiel 25:17, as one day, while making ketchup Yoda had a premonition: that Sam was destined not only to be a Jedi and a motherfuckin' kung fu master, but also....an actor. And that particular passage would prove very useful one day... motherfucker.
Motherfucking Filmography
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In 2004, Samuel L. Jackson decided he was bored of films and branched out into stage acting. His lead role in Oedipus Rex was critically acclaimed.
Following this success Samuel L. Jackson appeared in several productions of Shakespeare plays. Purists however were shocked by numerous changes made to the scripts. These included:
- Othello: Rather than strangling Desdemona, Othello (Jackson) recites a passage from Leviticus and busts a cap in Iago's ass.
- Macbeth: Macduff (Jackson) pulls out nine millimeter, recites a passage from Leviticus and busts a cap in Macbeth's ass.
- Hamlet: Hamlet (Jackson) pulls out an AK47 and kills absolutely positively every motherfucker in the room.
- Richard III: King Richard (Jackson) arrives on the field at Bosworth with a huge clone army, wipes out the entire Lancastrian host and beheads Henry Tudor with a purple light sabre.
Music Career
In 2006, following in the footsteps of such talents as William Shatner and Bruce Willis, Samuel L. Jackson released an album of cover versions. It was entitled The Transformed Motherfucker and contained the following tracks:
- Common Motherfuckers
- Lucy in the Sky with Motherfuckers
- Mister Tambourine Motherfucker
- Puff the Motherfucking Dragon
- (I can't get no) Satisfaction Motherfucker
- Tiptoe through the Motherfuckers
- Some Enchanted Motherfucker
- My Motherfucking Way
- My Motherfucking Time
- Simply Put: Motherfucker
- Like a Rolling Motherfucker
- 666: The Number of the Motherfucker
- Eine Kleine Motherfucker
Snakes Experiment
In late 2006, Samuel L. Jackson was put on an airplane filled with snakes by the government as part of an experiment to see how he would react to the situation. An assortment of hidden cameras were placed on the plane, and the entire experiment was filmed and turned into a multi-million dollar documentary, originally called Samuel L. Jackson on a Plane. The producers later realized that the title was ridiculous and later settled on Snakes on a Plane.
Trivia
- Was a child prodigy at playing the piano.
- Once arrested for "unnatural acts with livestock" in Southwest Virginia, but when he took out his wallet to give the police his ID, they read the Epigraph "Bad Motherfucker" on the wallet. They immediately soiled themselves, then sent Mr. Jackson on his merry way.
- During an interview he acknowledged that most of his inspiration comes from the Shakespearean actor Paul Reubens.
- Like Christopher Walken, he has also been in every movie ever made
- Holds the Rank Of Bad Motherfucker in the Nubian religion.
- Has 17 children, all with 20 different women, all the same age, all of whom are named Samuel L. Jackson, except one who is named Sir Remington Winslow III.
- Says that his favorite word is not "motherfucker", but is in fact "pistachio".
- Was named head of the MPAA sheerly due to his performance in Pulp Fiction
- Can cure cancer merely by screaming at tumors until they go into remission.
- Was once a Jedi Master, but was fired after stealing Yoda's Big Kahuna Burger and Sprite.
- Is also the father of two more children. The oldest being Aston Villa defender Jay-Lloyd Samuel and the younger being kiddyfiddling musician Michael Jackson. They had separate mothers.
- In the Bible, it is predicted that Samuel L. Jackson is the baddest motherfucker in the universe and will battle Satan, Emperor Palpatine, the snakes from the plane, a crazy clown with chainsaws and Nuck Chorris.
- Motherfucker.
- Unlike Michael Jackson, He's the real motherfucker.
- No one motherfucks with him. He's the real motherfucker to the second power.
- Despite popular belief, he is not black, but albino.
- Has a motherfuckin degree in motherfucker-ology-ism-ness-ocity
- Motherfuckin' AWESOME
- He wrote 'Motherfuckers for dummies'.
See also
 | The Jacksons |
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Andrew Jackson | Bo Jackson | Jack | Jackson Pollock | Janet Jackson | Jerry Jackson | Jesse Jackson | La Toya Jackson | Michael Jackson | Peter Jackson | Randy Jackson | Samuel L. Jackson |
| Preceded by: Lady Sarah Chatto | Line of Succession to the British Throne | Succeeded by: Arthur Chatto |
Categories: Not safe for planes | Jacksons | Wannabe Rulers of the World | Succession | British monarchy | Celebrity Deathmatch | Really Angry People | Articles about a person written in the style of that person | Bad Motherfuckers | People who are God | Guys who make Chuck Norris want to go home and cry | Things that made General Grievous cough | People you wouldn't piss off
