Prog Rock
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
“I much prefer Brighton Rock, or Blackpool if I can't get any of that”
~ Noel Coward on Prog Rock
“We do not write "songs". We write "suites", "epics" and "concept pieces". We do not write "lyrics". we write poetic expressions of the truth of the universe. GET IT STRAIGHT!!”
~ Pete Sinfield on Prog Rock
“Mekanïk Üdü Wüdü futura de Kommandöh! Magma 1001°Centigrades Janik Top. Merci”
~ Christian Vander on God knows what
“I think we need some mandolin around here.”
~ Mike Oldfield on music
“Pfff...Yeah, mandolin. How original.”
~ Ian Anderson on Mike Oldfield on music
“Underwater.”
~ Mike Oldfield on originality
“Oh...”
~ Ian Anderson on Avant-garde
Prog Rock (not to be confused with Prod rock) was a particularly widespread, mainly airborne, virus, which is thought to be mostly under control now in the civilised world. Strains such as ELP, Genesis, King Crimson, Rush and the much later Marillion were rife amongst the disaffected, pseudointellectual (mainly male) youth, much as the Grunge virus of the early 90's became to deadly effect. Most Prog Rock bands only lasted a limited time, band members often breaking up due to musical similarities, except Marillion who defined the Popular Prog Rock genre.
Sometimes referred to as "Prague Rock" due to its roots in Czechloslovakian Folk Music, progressive rock rebelled against the more popular regressive rock, in which artists would work backwards, from material about self actualization and to political philosophy, to songs like "Work Sucks", "School Sucks", "I Want My Mommy" and finally "Gurgle Gurgle". In short, progressive rock groups decided to stop writing three-minute songs about sex and instead wrote ten-minute songs about nothing at all.
And remember: if we'd had CDs in 1967, "Inna-Gadda-Da-Vida" would have been seventy-five goddamn minutes long.
[edit] Origins of Prog Rock
Prog rock was first founded when some racist Europeans decided they had it with that rock music based on "nigger blues" and decided to create rock music based on Aryan classical music. Just like Hitler they were hugely popular at their heyday, but as soon as they tried too hard (mars Volta) they were thrown in the trashcan, only to be talked about with shame. Today they mostly hang around dark websites reminsicing about Robert Fripp when he had testicles and Enos sudden hair loss. Some folks still believe Jon Anderson will lead them back to prog days of yore but John (from his hospital bed) has deemed it "Quite improbable and inherently unlikely".
With their love for the flamboyant and theatrical Prog Rock soon cut a colourful swave through the music scene, as long haired youths nodded knowingly into pints of Guinness and light ales worldwide, whilst discussing the musical virtuosity of Karn Evil 9, or the sheer genius of a 27 minute Mellotron solo. Most prog rock bands from the heyday used a man named Bill Bruford as a drummer because he thought 4 was 7.
[edit] Symptoms of Prog Rock
Symptoms include -
- Having a favorite band... For 5 minutes
- Feeling it "Coming in the air tonight"
- 27 minute song composition
- keyboard solos
- "creative" hairstylings (see here)
- a cape
- a wizard hat
- a cape and a wizard hat
- Getting wood when seeing old pics of Greg Lake
- Dressing up like a killer garden gnome
- Getting your ass kicked by sid viscious
- Being mistaken for Metal
- Being mistaken for good music
- Being mistaken for avant-garde
- Building walls...big fuckin expensive walls
- whining
- Spitting in fans' faces
- ability to understand EXACTLY what Peter Gabriel was talking about (Jon Anderson....)
- Using big, fancy words
- Drugs
- Drugz
- Drugzs
- Touring with a saxophone player
- Naming a guitar effect after yourself...you heard me Robert Fripp
- Time signatures unknown to mankind (for example only the shreddergod John Petrucci of Dream Theater knows how to play 69( OH YA!)/48)
If you feel you may be suffering from any of these symptoms we advise you to seek medical help immediately.
WARNING: Latest Research has shown possible links between the spread of Prog Rock and Kitten Huffing. Remember kids, JUST SAY NO!
COWBELL HERE!
NO HERE!!
[edit] The Progressive Rock Article Suite I-III
[edit] Part I: The Definition
Progressive Rock
What It Is?
It Can't Really Be Defined
Which Leads to Long Battles Boring As Hell Battles Between Nerds
"What Is Prog
And What Is Not"
The Truth Lies
Beyond
The Faraway Galaxies
There's Something On The Loose
Yesterday I Found A Moose... Or Should It Be Goose?
Or Geese Or Meese, Caboose Or Cabeese,
The Mice In The Hice, And The Grouse In The House
Your mother Jumped Over a Fence
Yes, This Doesn't Make any Fuckin' Sense. Anyways, 'Does Anyone Have Any Good Pot Around Here?'
Hee haw Will Be My Epitaph
as I drawl on a cracked and open snatch
If we make it we can all sit back
and smoke crack
In other words Progressive Rock is like Drugs, Drugs & Roll, Rock & Roll, Rocks, Drugs and Spam! (see Jethro Tull for more)
[edit] Part II: We Are the Children of Eternal Light / The Author Still Doesn't Have Any Imagination to Come Up With Something Funny, Including 'The Cleaning of the Underwear Drawer', and 'Cthulhu's Lament (in $ flat Sergeant-Major, with change)' (The Development section) in 11/8, 9/8, 5/4, π/7, 9/16, 16mm and acid
guitar solo (about ten minutes)
synth solo (about ten minutes)
Well, At Least the Keyboardist Must Wear a Cape.
bass solo (about two seconds/five notes/not at all)
drum solo (two minutes, nineteen seconds, by law)
other guitar solo (about fifteen more minutes)
random jamming with incoherent lyrics about quantum panties, and audible snoring of the Sound Engineer in the background (about twenty minutes)
[edit] Part III: The Definition (Reprise in Five)
Progr essiv eRock WhatI tIs?I
tCan' tReal lyBeD efine dWhic
hLead stoLo ngBat tlesB oring
AsHel lBatt lesBe tween Nerds
"What IsPro gAndW hatIs Not"
[edit] Coda: T-T-T-T-T-That's All Folks! (featuring vocalist: Porky Pig)
expressionistic soundscapes (or: the Sound Engineer yawns, farts, scratches his stomach, walks into the playing room, missteps on the dwarfed flautist of the band because of thick smoke covering the room and falls on the drum set cursing like a seaman)
"Well At Least It's Fucking Boring And Corny!" - Mr. Obvious (1974)
(fanfares and fade out)
(unfortunately (or not, depending on your preference,) the recorder ran out of tape 17 minutes before the band stopped playing)
[edit] Tabulature
Band: Uncyclopediarium
Song: The Progressive Rock Article Suite Intro
. - palm mute / - slide up to
\ - slide down to ~ - vibrato
h - hammer on b - Bend
p - pull off Suffixes for bend
t - tap f - full bend h - half bend
ph - pinched harmonic q - quarter bend t - tap bend
* - see comment ^ - Hold bend r - release bend
x - Succatto ~ - vibrato bend e - bend with string breaking
S - Stutter g - get bent
, - slight palm mute () - ghost note, sustained note
(X_X) Ghost face Killa note
" - tremolo note <> - Trill
% - pose & - pluck with an eyebrow
U - unintentional action Y - really unintentional action
@ - bang the guitar against the monitor
a - have and acid attack
q - do something really fucking stupid.
! - run in circles, waving the guitar in the air
while uncontrollably picking the strings
u - untie vocalist's hair from strings
T - try to tune the string, unsuccessfully
s - soil yourself on cue and call it avant-garde
F - set fire to drummer
T- Tab your song while performing it ( this requires a thrid arm)
WARNING: Do not try playing the guitar by banging the strings with your nuts!
(silence actually because the guitarist is missing)
e ||-------------------|-------------------|-------------------|-------------------|
B#||-------------------|-------------------|-------------------|-------------------|
Hb||-------------------|-------------------|-------------------|-------------------|
Db||-------------------|-------------------|-------------------|-------------------|
A#||-------------------|-------------------|-------------------|-------------------|
Bb||-------------------|-------------------|-------------------|-------------------|
sound eng: snorting
e ||-------------------|-------------------|-------------------|-------------------|
B#||-------------------|-------------------|-------------------|-------------------|
Hb||-------------------|-------------------|-------------------|-------------------|
Db||-------------------|-------------------|-------------------|-------------------|
A#||-------------------|-------------------|-------------------|-------------------|
Bb||-------------------|-------------------|-------------------|-------------------|
drums: rabadabadam bamdam
e ||-------------------|---------U0--------|-0-----------0-----|-0------------0----|
B#||-------------------|-------------------|---6-----6----6----|---6bf^^^^^r-------|
Hb||-------------------|-------------------|-----0-----0----0--|-----565-65--------|
Db||-------------------|-------------------|-------7----------7|--------4----------|
A#||-------------------|-------------------|-8-----------8-----|-8-----------Y9----|
Bb||-------------------|-------------------|------------U0-----|-------------------|
drums: dumdurum dumdum vocal: D A Ab Wb Щ#
e ||-6\0/7-------------|-5\4---------------|-0-----------%-----|----2--3\2---3-5---|
B#||-------3\0/4\pi----|---4/5-------------|-2U,-3h22Y,--%-----|-----3--4\3-2------|
Hb||-------------------|-----3\i-----------|-0U,----3Y,--%-----|------2----3--4----|
Db||-------------------|--------&5\&4------|-2U.---------%-----|--0-------4---5---T|
A#||-------------------|-------------&3h2--|-0U.---------%-----|---1---------------|
Bb||-------------------|-------------------|-0U,---------%-----|-------------------|
sixth string: Zb J# µb @!^#* ouch, it hurts [goes to her mom]
e ||-1\2---4--4--------|-3---5-3-3\2-------|-16h14---10\2------|-24h23-----23h20---|
B#||---2--3-2----------|--4-4-34----3\4----|----15h10---3h4----|-----16h12---------|
Hb||---3\2--3----------|---2--4-------24h23|--------------14h5-|---------7h5--8h6--|
Cb||------4----2-------|----4-5------------|-------------------|-------------------|
A#||---------5--2------|-------------------|-------------------|-------------------|
Bb||-----------2-2be | | | |
drums: undistinguishable from line noise audience: [wakes up]
e ||-24-----------!--!-|-!20--------@6--@-@|@Googol@--@--0-----|--Y8--7h3----------|
B#||--23h20---23---!-!-|---!---------@3-@--|-@ | |
Hb||--22---22h20----!--|---!-!!!u----@4@-@4|--@8--@-@ | F|
Cb||---------------!---|-!--!---u---@-2@@2-|--@5-@-@-@---0-----|--Y9h5---7b~e |
A#||---------------!-!-|-!--!---u-----@69--|----@20@-----------|-------------------|
Bb|| | | | |
[edit] Bankruptcy
One common side effect of Progressive Rock is bankruptcy. This can be caused by the following:
- Hiding behind 1 million dollars worth of effects boxes on a stool while high paid studio musicians jam right next to you.
- Touring with a 50/9 - piece orchestra
- Utilizing 37 studio musicians
- Why does your keyboard player have 27 keyboards and an electronic percussion set-up? Why does your guitar player have 15 guitars up on stage? Why does your singer need to play the Mandolin? Can't he just sing? And why is your drummer using a set that would make Neil Peart hold a garage sale?
- Roger Waters
- Holding a concert on a floating stage in Venice.
Most of this can be alleviated by contracting a different virus such as Punk or Indie.
[edit] See Also
- Prog Archives
- Kate Bush
- Eddie Van Halen
- Britney Spears
- In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida
- Two Humps
- The 4 Scientists
- Never Been Laid Syndrome
 Featured Article
| Featured version: 16 December 2006 |
This article has been featured on the front page. — You can vote for or nominate your favourite articles at Uncyclopedia:VFH.
| |
