Power metal

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Power Metal is a metallic alloy of silver, copper, tungsten and strawberry. It is so called because the metal possesses peculiar superpowers that can be transferred to humans via orificial insertion.

Albert Einstein testing Power Metal

[edit] Discovery

Power Metal was discovered by Albert Einstein in 1912 during a particularly boring lecture from Marie Curie over what is and what is not considered a suitable accompliment to roast beef (respectively, horseradish and depleted Uranium).

Albert had at his disposal the constituent parts of what we now know as Power Metal, except instead of strawberry, he had a parsnip. As such, the Power Metal compound he created was nowhere near as potent as current mixtures, and the only superpower it possessed was the power to turn carpet into linoleum. Although Allied Carpets were very pleased with this new invention, Einstein wanted more.

After six months of experimentation with different metals, fruits, vegetables and in one memorable instance a hamster (that compound gave the user the special ability to see through glass, but little else), Einstein hit upon the silver-copper-tungsten-strawberry mixture we know and loathe today.

[edit] Properties of Power Metal

There are two types of Power Metal: Power Metal Lite and Power Metal Pro. Lite is much cheaper than Pro, but has none of the special features that Pro possesses.

Power Metal Lite allows the user to:

fly up to ten centimetres above the ground,
speak twenty-five different languages (although twenty-one of them are dialects of Welsh, so that isn't very useful really),
walk up walls, up to a height of 50m (unlimited with Pro),
sort mixed salads into its constituent ingredients with a wave of the hand, allowing you to pick out the celery without any undue hassle,
always get a seat on the bus, and always prevent the resident bus nutter from sitting next to you and telling you about the talking carrots in his allotment,
shine laser beams out your eyes (but not strong enough to cut anything with - this is of most use to people using PowerPoint presentations on a projector screen),
increase the percentage of alcohol in their pint of beer to whatever percentage they so desire, and
hospitalise one politician of their choice (but not kill - unless you go for the Pro option).

Power Metal Pro has all the above and much, much more! Get it without delay!

[edit] How To Make Your Own Power Metal

To make Power Metal, you need:

a lot of copper,
a lot of silver,
a shitload of tungsten, and
one medium-sized strawberry.

Get your four ingredients in a mixing bowl, and stir for four to five years, sieving occasionally. Then, put in a freezer cooled to five degrees below absolute zero. Don't forget to wrap the bowl in clingfilm. Ten years later, your Power Metal should be ready to insert.

(NB: if you want the Pro version, boil the excess tungsten away by placing the bowl in the centre of the sun for ten to twenty millennia.)

[edit] Using Your Power Metal

To use your Power Metal, you must insert it into one of your orifices. It is up to you to choose which orifice you use, although you may wish to use one as far away from your brain as possible, as it has been proven that too much Power Metal use can fry your brain and leave it in a state of mind known to science as "Dubya Syndrome".

You should start to feel the effects somewhat instantly. Your mind will go all blurry, your limbs will go weak, your buttocks will tighten, and you will have a sudden impulse to listen to Country and Western music. Do not worry: these adverse side effects will soon clear away, allowing you to use your Power Metal superpowers without fear of singing along to "Achy Breaky Heart".

[edit] Famous Power Metal Users

Albert Einstein
Bill Clinton
Rupert Murdoch
Anne Robinson (facial cream)
Richard Simmons (as part of a regular, balanced diet)
Tarja Tournun
Dragonforce

[edit] International Ban

On June 21st 2005, Power Metal was banned by the International Spoilsports Committee (ISC), on accounts of its abilities to hospitalise politicians. Coincidentally, the day after the world-wide ban came into effect, everyone on the ISC was sent to hospital with various illnesses and ailments. When asked about this, members of the newly formed Legalise Power Metal Alliance looked upwards to the sky and twiddled their thumbs idly.