Portugal
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This melodramatic article appears to untie nuclear reactors in the 31337 protest against Jesus Christ's microscope and is also Queen Elizabeth I's brother . Oh, and it's also genderqueer.
In other words, it's so virtually random that it makes the rhythmic Michael Jackson cry (in a disorderly fashion). Do something about it before it becomes vast.
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| Localization | Somewhere in Europe for foreign people. | ||
| Official Languages | Portuguese and something that sounds vaguely like Russian with a mixture of Latin, hispanic, and undefined closed-mouth speech patterns that sound a lot like horse moaning. And add a bit of mudkip sounds too.(well atleast it doesn't sound gay like the Spanish language) | ||
| CEO | Sócrates I | ||
| VIP | José Castelo Branco | ||
| National Heroes | Marcelo Rebelo de Sousa, Floribella, Cristiano Ronaldo Luis Fig () and the rest of the Portuguese National Soccer Team | ||
| National Coaches | José Mourinho and Carlos Queiroz | ||
| Capitals | Lisbon (National Capital), Madrid and Oporto (Colonial Capital of Pinto da Costa nation), yet to be proclaimed | ||
| Population | Many many successful and dynamic "EXPORTERS" (and some successful and dynamic "EXPORTED" ones) and private entrepreneurs. A FEW extremely necessary highly efficient civil servants. Even fewer unemployed people. Inhabitants are called Portugoose, plural form: Portugeese. | ||
| Economy - Total GDP - Without EU funds | 1,986,887 football tickets 345 football tickets | ||
| Currency | Football (soccer) tickets and loans from the EU. | ||
| National Anthem | Peter Griffin - Ding Fries Are Done | ||
| National Pastimes | Crying, falling over, complaining and killing Spanish and Arabs. | ||
“ I've been there! I liked the Eiffel tower the most!”
~ Asshole on Portugal
“Portugal is a fine province of Spain”
~ Oscar Wilde on the quote above
“I love Portugal! Especially Samba and Carnaval in Rio de Janeiro”
~ George W. Bush on Portugal
“As a first priority, to win the 2008 football euro cup. Then to pay the bills. ”
~ Portuguese man on Portuguese lifestyle
“Was this what i beated my mom for?”
~ D. Afonso Henriques, the creator of Portugal
Portugal (Zěr'ĭl-əlōō-āk'y-āh) is the most developed country in Iberia, and one of it's most known states is Brazil(The truth is: Portugal considers Brazil as the the 28th state) . The Portuguese are known for being piooners in space navigation, as brave Portuguese sailed to a galaxy far far way, establishing trading posts in the galaxy. It's most known trading post is located in Pluto, where the explorer Vasco da Gama presented Codfish, a kind of fish very apreciatted by everyone without a sense of taste in Portugal, to Darth Vader. Vader enjoyed the gift so much, that he used the force to corrupt every single politician in Portugal. The ruler of the country is the Sith Lord Socrates I. The Portuguese have been believed to be the best soccer players of all time. although, this is proven to be false, for every portuguese baby is injected with a magnetic soccer-ball-attracting magnet which can attract many modern soccer balls and the backsides of italians.
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[edit] Locale
Portugal is situated in the Iberian Peninsula. It shares it's borders with Mozambique and Angola
While those self-called experts at Wikipedia say that the Portuguese capital is Lisbon, in reality, Portugal's real capital is the city of Benfica where everyone tells the natives of this country what to do.
[edit] Administrative Division
Portugal is divided into two regions: Region of Great Lisbon, and the rest of the country.
The North and Center is generally populated by Portuguese and old people. The South is populated by the British, as portuguese are rarely found in the south of Portugal, especially during the summer.
[edit] Religion
Portugal's men and women are strongly convinced that Jesus was a Portuguese citizen. It's quite relevant to mention that it was in Portugal, Belem (it's Portuguese for Bethlehem), that Jesus Christ was born, and he was then carried by a space ship to Palestine. If not for the Portuguese, mankind would lose their Pirate Ninja Jesus.
Portugal has also a great religious belief in the "Tres Pastorinhos", three children that saw an U.F.O. It was later made public that the U.F.O. was in fact Virgin Mary. There is now a religious cult around this, that concentrates in the city of "Fátima". The great amounts of money generated by this fanatic cult were, of course, used in the benefit of the homeless and the poor. They were NOT used to build a multi-million religious temple complex.
[edit] Natives
They are very trustworthy. Do trust all of them. They actually expect that, which goes a long way to explaining their ironic frozen smiles and constant cheese grating.
If you ever have a chance, kill a Portugoose through salted Norwegian codfish slapping, don't because they are extremely intelligent and sexy!. He or she will appreciate this and go to the Além mar, the Portuguese concept of heaven.
Contrary to popular belief, Michelle Gonçalves is > from portugal.
[edit] Misc
Portugal is the site of a new disease, and many of them are sick. The UN has suggested that any traveling to the country should stop, but the UN is filled with pussies... so no one cares. The only known cure for this disease is to have the infirmed eat the "Punheta de Bacalhau" (Codfish Wank), which is a Codfish and Tomato salad. Another interesting fact is that on July 4th, 1996, Portugal was the only country that was not invaded by aliens. The aliens were found to be allergic to nasal accents, mustaches, and codfish guns. Nevertheless they took a souvenir from "Caldas da Rainha" where it's God shows in many different pennis shapes which can be offered to any needed pilgrins.
[edit] History
[edit] Archaic Period
[edit] Finding evidences
Portugal's most ancient archaeological proof was found by the archaeologist Indiana Jones somewhere in India. He identified this proof as being a three-legged monkey with Benfica's t-shirt. Harrison Ford, however, proclaimed Indiana's theory was wrong, defending that it was a two-legged and a tail monkey with Porto t-shirt. These controversial theories ended near 2043, when President James Marshall assured to the archaeological community that it was simply an one-legged monk with a tail and a small penis with Sporting's t-shirt.
[edit] Ancient Way of Life
Ancient portugeese weren't too different from modern ones: men used mustache as soon as they were considered adult; women used mustache only if they were imported from Spain and had married. The mustachedresser was called bigodeiro. They used codfish as a weapon. Os Lusíadas, an epic poem by Camões, sings about the Big Codfish War (yes, the poem was actually alive; ergo, it sang;), where Vasco da Gama discovers his ancestors in Neverland and fights against them for possession of the Codfish Mines in Norway. Camões describes fifteen kinds of weapons based on codfish. The most popular kind was undoubtedly the swordfish. Portugeese were also very prosperous people. Portuguese cities were the biggest in the world. Indiana Jones found the ruins of Fatima and concluded that it was bigger than Portugal itself.
[edit] Kings and such
The first known king of Portugal was the Pope. As he often abandoned Fatima to ride his Popemobile, people had to find another king. So they found Pope's twin brother, Alexander Pope, who had a similar car. These times were called Divine Mobile Monarchy. After the Divine Mobile Monarchy, Portugal was a Pharaonarchy, and spent two thousand years trying to build a good pyramid for the Pharaoh, but they have never finished it. Today we can see the pyramid's steel framework, decently protected with glass, in the center of the Louvre. Another King appeared after the Pharaonarchy. His name was King Eusebio, the Black Panther. He wore a Benfica's t-shirt.
[edit] Classical Period
[edit] The Unification Period
The land was discovered by the coldfish. As this was before the famed Age of Exploration, he did not travel far, but just up the coast until he found himself somewhere he'd never been before. This land he named Port Jugal, but it remained a region of coldfish until Mozart arrived, bringing irrigation, and Beethoven (never to be outdone) followed suit with written language and the soccer.
[edit] Trying to usurp the power
Mozart and Beethoven tried to rule Portugal during this period, but they never made it. Wagner came with his gracious Valkyries trying to be president, but the best he could do was to build Portugal's first quality brothel. I got my first job there, cleaning out the privies. Several statues from the latin-greek antiquity tried his luck, but they didn't know that Portuguese people were Latin- and lactose- and bronze- and statue-intolerant (the only intact statue in Portugal is King Eusebio's; all the others have at least a corrosive pigeon shitbomb).
[edit] Portuguese expansion
The portuguese people wanted for more women. They constructed strong and fast ships and traveled to Mars, Spain and other distant stoppages. In one of their travels, they met Galileo, who taught them how to be killed by the Pope. Then they met Napoleon who taught how to be an Italian in France. As if it was not enough, they met Dante Alighieri, who taught them how to frighten by a Divine Comedy. These were quiet profitable learnings, and so the portugeese established secret colonies, which they disguised as codfish traders. There are also rumors that portuguese people were in the, only god knows where country, Mozambique, Kofi Annan tried to steal info from the portuguese, but so far Mozambique is, still, a land to be found.
[edit] The big move
Portuguese wanted to be closer to other civilizations. And so they started to separate Portugal from the mainland with a saw. The entire Portugal navigated through the Indic and Atlantic oceans, and finally they anchored near Iceland, a nice spot to catch more codfishes, and maybe the flu.
[edit] Modern Period
The time when they discovered that the codfish is the Man's best friend after the dog, or when FCPorto won the champions league, before the exportation of José Mourinho, a.k.a. LisbonBlaster. They already took the gold of the africa and already are riches.
[edit] Latest years
Portugal amassed an empire through sea power, however they surrendered the last colony in 1999 when, in line with EU directives, they began investing in wind power. The Portugal hope to amass a cloud.
Once a cloud is caught it will be tethered above the Algarve to dissuade Britons from buying any more holiday homes.
It is also believed that a cloud permanently occupies the space above Durão Barroso's head, the cloud is set to a permanent storm mode, which gives him that (kinda) serious look.
[edit] Government and Politics
Following the collapse of King Salazar, preceded by the Triumvirate of Salazar, Eusébio and Infante D. Henrique, which led to the Civil War, Portugal's system of government is now the bananocracy, from which the country earned its cognomen of "República das Bananas"(Banana's Republic - NOT the nightclub). The objective of the bananocracy is to maintain power for the maximum of time possible without promoting any significative changes(which would put in risk the bananocracy). To this effect, the party currently in power must use a varying number of tricks, including many symbolic measures, while dismissing all responsibilities for the inevitable failures, claiming them to be the fault of past governments, and ocasionally, the Holy Spirit. This is sometimes referred to as the game of the "Batata Quente"(Hot Potato). Ejections in the executive are also much present, specially when the standard of living registers an important low. The standard of living in Portugal is measured by the smell of the olive oil on top of the codfish. When it presents a distinguishedly foul odor, the population gets depressed(also known as "ficar com os azeites") and begins having crisis of self-confidence. If the situation gets critical, the pharaoh may awaken from his sleep inside the Sarcophagus(located in Belém), and eject the government.
In Portugal, the power is exchanged between the two main parties: PS and PSD, who generally hold the office for 8 years each, before passing the testimony, an occasion of much rejoicing to everyone involved. During this event, God Sebastião returns from Além Mar and magically resets everyone's memories, parting away again in the Nau Catrineta. The general population is unaware of this, and it is often rumored that one day Sebastião will emerge from the fog and return to Portugal permanently, to break the cycle and make all problems disappear instantaneously.
[edit] Politicians
- Duke of Brangança, King of the Republic of Portugal and father of two children with huge unrememberable names, who actually are the gardener's kids
OMG!
- Paulo Portas, the gay shown in the picture aside. He is told to have taken it up his ass by his Major when he was Minister of Defence.
- Cardinal Richelieu
- Cardinal Mazarin
- José Pinto Coelho, some random neo-nazi from PNR, that is getting support from 14 year olds.
- Alvaro Cunhal, The only portuguese male over 65 who didn't have a facelift, Also responsible for bringing down the birthrate due to being a baby-eating-communist
- Marcelo Rebelo de Sousa, the only guy in Portugal who knows how to pretend to read books
- Santana Lopes, a baby in an incubator who was Prime Minister for 4 months
- Salazar, Antonio Oliveira, born from a drop of Cardinal Richelieu's poop, when he founded the country. From the point Salazar overthrown whoever was in charge, Portugal almost became one of the World's super-powers. Though, he left in one cloudy morning to buy milk and is yet to return, he is also suspected of dying like Christopher Reeve, but because of falling from a chair.
[edit] Economy
[edit] Imports
- Codfish;
- Mustachedresser teachers;
- Ukrainian doctors to work in civil construction;
- Spanish, French and German Canadair Waterbombers, especially in Summertime;
- Brazilians, Africans, Asians and all kinds of parasites (the PNR wants to kick them out, that's why they are called evil neo-nazis);
- football players;
- Female tourists looking for good portuguese sex (and usually fulfilling their desires)
- Male tourists looking for some portuguese bloke to have sex with their wives/mothers/sisters
- dentists;
- soap operas;
- Brazilian prostitutes (Actually, the only reason for the invention of Brazil was to outsource the whore-market);
- advertisers;
- music festivals;
- Brazilian Novels
- Japanese and French songs for D'zrt and 4Taste like S*** to recreate them in Portuguese.
- Algarvian inglich al'raite?
- Gato Fedorento DVDs
- Madeline McCann and they ain't giving her back!
[edit] Exports
- Dumbness
- Portuguese Women
- Portuguese Men
- Cold Fish
- Port, port, more port, and port;
- Super Bock and Sagres(beer);
- The letter ‘u’;
- Bragança's whores;
- Bragança's mothers (although they weren't on the cover of Time);
- Porto's t-shirts; (thats why it´s the richest country)
- José Mourinho, Luís Figo and Cristiano Ronaldo;
- José Sendas (the one and only holy inventor of Magic and child prostitution);
- Durão Barroso (now known as only José Barroso, or José Burroso ("burro", Portuguese for dumb), as George W. Bush liked to call him);
- Pyramid's steel framework (estimated time to conclusion: 2937);
- Pimba music;
- Screaming by Mariza;
- Lúcia Moniz (who?) on that movie Love Actually (yeah, right);
- Sheep milk;
- Lupinus luteus;
- Bakers and Grocers;
- The cork
- Gato Fedorento DVD boxes
- André Sardet
- Toy (the "singer", not the english meaning of the word)
[edit] Portuguese Linguistic Cultural Heritage
Since the dawn of Portugal's foundation that their founder and people have used a number of curse words and insults that have lived trough out the ages and still are a part of their culturality.
[edit] Curse Words
Here are the most used curse words and their possible translation into current English.
- Merda = Shit
- Caralho = Cock (in portuguese this is a very dirty word)
- Foda-se = Fuck
- Porra = Damn!
- Esporra = Sperm
- Cona, Pássara,Patereca, Irmã, Passarola, Pachacha, Crica, Cloaca and Porra = Pussy, Vagina
- Colhões = Cojones, balls
- Broche, mamada, bóbó = Blowjob
- Punheta = Hand Job
- Cu = Ass hole
- Bolas = Balls, nuts
- Puta = Bitch
- Paneleiro, Brasileiro, Pandulas, Panasca, Bichona, Larilas, Borboleta, Boiola = Queer, Gay
- Canalha = Scoundrel
- Cabrão = Motherfucker
- Espanholada = Tittyfuck (it was actually invented by the Portuguese in their first contacts with Spanish girls and it is so far the only known useful purpose of the Spanish people ["Espanholada" may be roughly translated to "spanish wank"])
[edit] Insults
This is how portuguese insult each other. Try saying them yourself, it is powerful fun.
“In deed...”
~ Oscar Wilde on portuguese curse words
- Filho da Puta = Son of a bitch
- Cabrão = Bastard/Motherfucker
- Cabra = Bitch
- Estúpido = Stupid
- Matarruano = Some one form the farms, like a dingus, hill-billy. Can also be called dumbass.
- Otário = Douchebag
- Porco or Porcalhão = Usually used to define some one that has dirty thoughts or is purely a pig.
- Puta, Brasileira = Essentially the same meaning as bitch, but shorter so you can say it more often in a short period of time.
- Parva = Stupid, for girls
- Vai pró caralho! = Go to hell, or translating by word: Go to cock.
- Vai te foder, Vai te lixar = Go fuck your self
- Vai comer merda!! = Go eat shit
- Vai para a puta que o pariu = Go find the whore that gave birth to you
- Maricas, Brasileiro, mariconses, paneleiro, pandula (never heard) , abichanado = Queer, since gays in portugal don't reveal themselves...for some reason( the ones that do, are immediately sent to live in Brazil)...so in portugal Gay = someone who is homosexual
- Morcão, bimbo = it's usually used to define portuguese from the north of the land...porto and thereabouts.
Some of these words are used in Brazil too (but they're unintelligible because of Brazilians's awful accent).
[edit] Chinese influence
During the development of the Portuguese language many Chinese sailors traveled to Portugal. Or the Portuguese went to China, who gives a flang, anyway the resulting influences on the language have produced a sister-speak to Engrish called Poltuguese which includes such phrases as "Muito Obligado" or "Vai queler quelepe?" which eventually made its way into contemporary Portuguese. This can be heard on 318.283.945 Chinese Shops and restaurants in Portugal as they don't pay taxes to live in our beloved pile of crap that some call country.
[edit] The Toilet Paper Heritage
Portuguese Linguistic Cultural Heritage contributed in a decisive way to the development of the well know mathematical theory of the Toilet Paper Paradox. Several Portuguese talkers, following the period of Portugition, in which Portuguese language, Portuguese import, Portuguese export and Portuguese laws were illegal, were obliged to secretly talk in Portuguese only at WC. The consequences were terrible; one of them was the Toilet Paper Crisis, closely related with the Toilet Paper Paradox. Following such paradox the Portuguese scientist Einstein (not the famous one, it's the half brother) created the general toilet paper relativity theory which allowed Portuguese fishermen to wrap codfish in the said toilet paper preserving them for generations to come.
[edit] Emigration to Brazil
Other Portuguese speakers emigrated to Brazil in the conturbated years after the Great Gay Migration of 1812. There, codfish and other Portuguese weapons were not so popular, but Brazilians were impressed with some of the words used by the newcomers. "Pelé", "Carmen Miranda", "Joe Carioca" (Sometimes called Ze Carioca), and "Odontopistocraquifugimétrico" are very important portuguese words in Brazil nowadays.
[edit] The vocal "u"
Portuguese language uses only 2 vocals:
- The unexplainable sound vocale, typed "a", "e", "i" and sometimes "o".
- The u sound (like Kung Fu or doom), typed "u" and sometimes "o".
That means, for instance, that the word Portugal is pronounced like Poortoogahl.
In fact, Portuguese was the first language that use the "u" vocal. Thanks to this, several vocabulary innovations were possible. Here are some examples:
- Cows could say mooo for the first time;
- Mad cows could say wohooo for the very first time;
- Foo Fighters could have their name;
- Powder exploded for the first time actually sounding like boom;
- You didn't exist before.
[edit] Portuguese Mythology
[edit] Ancient Period
Portugal has a rich patrimony of legend and folklore that arches back to the ancient magical kingdom of Lusitania, from where tales of rainbow colored Unicorns and big breasted , half-naked, blonde females, riding said Unicorns, allegedly had their origin and survive to this day. Much of the ancient myths were recorded in verse by Camões, in his book, the Odyssey, shortly after the invention of alphabetic writing. It is widely debated whether these legends already existed since the time of Paleolithic moustachedressers, or were the invention of Camões. Also, the question of whether Camões was smoking crack (or in place of crack, salt used to preserve codfish) subsists to this day. There is also the question of this one eyed poet being able to see anything at all, as legend tells it this man was a veritable Don Juan and had his eye poked out with his own pen by some annoyed husband.
[edit] Classical Period (Portuguese Expansion)
Most of the characteristic folklore for which Portugal is known today, though, emanates from the expansion period, and the saga of explorers Vasco da Gama and Vale e Azevedo to find more codfish. This takes them to the Norwegian Sea, where by accident they discover Iceland and Brazil, and are forced to fight an unequal war against the native indians, led by arch-enemy Col. Kurtz, who are far more numerous. Despite being overwhelmed, they manage to steal huge quantities of codfish before being rescued by D. Sebastião in the Nau Catrineta. On the way home, they face a sea monster of gargantuan proportions, Adamastor(on the photo), who destroys Nau Catrineta with a simple movement of his hand. After the codfish reserves were spread out on the ocean, the monster got briefly distracted and Vasco da Gama escaped, by swimming backstroke style. Apparently, only Vasco da Gama survived the disaster; Vale e Azevedo and the crew sank into the revolving seas; and Sebastião went back to Além Mar to rebuild his Nau Catrineta, as we was already dead, anyway, so it's not likely he gave a crap. Shortly before reaching Portuguese shores, Vasco da Gama discovered Spain. Legend tells that, once he arrived, the population mistreated him and offered him a shitty service in the hostal he stayed in, so, in return, he made them all talk with extremely annoying accents, as to warn off visitors, and then founded the Spanish Inquisition, which wasn’t really expected. Vale e Azevedo by dumb luck did survive leaping to shore on the backs of his sinking crew, on his way back home Vale e Azevedo came across the wreckege of Nau Catrineta which he improved into a famous yate that got him into jail...
[edit] Notable Portuguese People
The portuguese people who were once know as being great navigators and stallion poets, nowadays ther are know as stallion poets (for man), football maniacs, corrupted politicians, failed sailors and did I mentioned football maniacs?
Salazar - His catch phrase is "Watch out the chair" much because he fell in one while he was jumping into hit like he was Super Mario or something. He was not a dictator[[1]]
[edit] True facts about Portugal
- Portugal was the first country to ever show a Death Metal version of Noddy's theme song on public television, played by Moonspell, a portuguese Death Metal band (with kids in the studio too). Video proof is shown here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_E2OTs_QS90
- The Madeira islands has had the same president since 1974.
- Everyone in Madeira who votes against this president will become unemployed.
- Portugal is the only country to have a district with a president who ran away to Brazil for 5 years due to the police being after her. When she came back, she got freed of all acusations and became president of Felgueiras again.
- Portugal wastes 12 000 € per football match on electricty.
- Portugal forces their teachers to work in different districts than the ones they live in.
- Lisbon, Portugal's capital, is spelt in a way that is very simlar to Lesbian (there was in fact a party in Lisbon for Lesbian named Lesboa - which can also mean HOT LESBIAN).
- Even though there are lots of protests from the workers, claiming they are paid too little by the governement, a large part of the country goes to Brazil twice a year (summer vacation and New Year) during it's high seasons, they all drive cars, lunch on restaurants almost everyday and have house maids;
- Portugal's President (Cavaco Silva) came from a small town in the South called Poço de Boliqueime (poço=well, as in the hole in the ground; de=of; Boliqueime=Burnt cake (bolo=cake, queime=burn)). After elected, he changed the name to Fonte de Boliqueime (fonte=fountain).
- Portugal is one of the countries in Europe where there is most adverts between (and during) shows. Every 1 and a half hour movie is interrupted, while the best part is beginning, at least 3 times (in Titanic it's 5) by groups of 15 minutes, in cable channels, and 30 to 45 in national channels of adverts. Regardless of this, the radio station Comercial is one of the most listened to.
- Portugal's magazine Sábado (sábado=saturday) comes out every Thursday.
- Portugal show "Os Grandes Portugueses", where people could vote for who they believed to be the best Portuguese person of all time, was won by the only Portuguese Dictator of all time; Salazar (no relation to Founder of Hogwarts from Harry Potter ...we suppose [edit: Actually, JK Rowlings named Salazar Slytherin after this dictator])
- Portugal has gone through 4 different Prime-Ministers in the past 5 years (Guterres, Barroso, Lopes and Socrates)
- The Prime-Minister of Portugal has a degree in engineering, however a diploma in his possession says he passed (but the date on it is a Sunday), a diploma in the city hall says he flunked and was missing some classes altogether, and all the teachers who taught his classes in his days say they've never seen him before.
- Portuguese are known for spending almost 1.500€ (2,390.18 USD) in mobile phone messaging a year, teens go up to 2.500€ (3,983.64 USD).
- Fernando Negrão, candidate for Lisbon Mayor, had a campaign called "Clean Up The Town". One afternoon he walked around the city delivering brooms to all the women he could find. NOTE: ONLY WOMEN.
- If it weren't for some portuguese women in the mid 1870's[namely D. Catarina.], that went in vacation to England, the British wouldn't have the habit of drinking tea, neither would the "Tea time" exist....
- Portuguese students don't have to care about their grades and such, as they won't fail their classes if in the end of the school year the submit them selves to an exam that will set the final grades no matter what those grades were until that moment...even if the grades enough to fail...now that's progress, you can miss a whole year of classes then in the last weeks study and pass the year, ain't that something...?
- There a currently no racial slurs for the Portuguese, so....GET CRACKEN, INTERNETS! (What about pork 'n' beans or porn 'n' cheese?)
[edit] Yada Parada
The first Portuguese-American to come out of the "Portuguese-American" closet. See Yada Parada. Since "he" was already outside Portugal, "he" was spared of being expelled to Brazil.
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