Politics
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Politics is the art of being wrong. The name is based on the words Poly and Ticks, Poly meaning many, and ticks meaning blood sucking parasites. Politics therefore means many blood thirsty parasites. Basically these politics/politiks or politicians, exist to drink the blood of the citizens of a nation. There are generally three categories of politicians: liberals, moderates, and conservatives. Each are equally partial to the sweet, sweet fuckred liquor of the populace. Conservatives want to make all but the the richest 1% into slave laborers who are forced to build giant pyramids, whereas Liberals want to allow gays to legally marry you against your will. Moderates strike a balance between the two positions, arguing that gays can only force you into a "civil union" and that everyone should have the option of building giant pyramids. Besides these groups, other known practitioners of politics include waitresses, who are most proficient at doing so while businessmen slowly get stoned (see Piano Man.)
Politics exists in many countries however the most exciting varieties exist only in the United States, where it is sometimes referred to as 'snuff' politics due to the amount of Bush and Gore it contains.
Contents |
[edit] History
Politics were invented by Margaret Thatcher in 1914 after the destruction of Adolf Hitler. They were created to promote peace and understanding throughout the globe. Some certainly well-informed people have argued that they have done the exact opposite to that, but mostly politicians have kept 50-year Cold Wars to a minimum.
[edit] The three categories of politicians
[edit] Liberals
Liberals (Left Wing), also known as Liberals, Democrats, Communists, Damn Commies, Reds and Scum.
Liberals believe in keeping tradition alive, and care about all people except for the wrong sort. They are aggressive and nasty and are quite unpopular worldwide. They pretend to care about other people, but really only care about themselves.
Anyone who is liberal, is considered on the side of the political left of the government table. This place is reserved for:
- Anemic Lumps of Flesh
- Nazis
- Communists
- Socialists
- Gangstas
- Whiners
- Cry-babies
- Poor people
- Hippies
- Whiners
- Democrats
- Holywood
- Most 13 to 17 year olds
- People who use the internet
- People who write political comics/movies
- Bums
- Whiners
- Wiggles
- Whiners
- Crusty punk rockers
- Childs left behind
- People who think they are intelligent
- Whiners
- Intellectuals who think they are people
- Moldy bread
- Whiners
- Noobs
- Things found in the trash
- Whiners
- trash
[edit] Moderates
Anyone who is moderate daren't speak their real views in case the current political party turns their country into a police state. If they dont support either side its a win win situation if this happens.
- Capitalists seeking re-election
- Left Wingers seeking the same thing
- Right Wingers seeking a centre-forward position (see soccer)
- the Average Citizen
- Egoists
- Fence Sitters
- the pathetic
- Blood suckers
- People with no education
- Winners
- Semi-whiners
- Losers
- Floating voters (see also: people who spend their whole lives on cruise ships)
- and that 2/3 child born to average parents.
[edit] Conservatives
Conservatives (Right Wing), also known as republicans, Tories, Nazis, Chimps, Rich White Guy Clubs, Oil CEOs, Fat Greedy Piggies and Scum.
Conservatives believe in taxing the lower class while simultaneously giving tax breaks to the richest 1% and corporations. This tax break allows failing corporations to buy off their CEO's with multi-million dollar deals just before the organization goes bankrupt. Conservatives (commonly referred to as cock smugglers) are adept at using fear to sway public opinion. They somehow lead the american people to believe that we still need to spend 6 times on defense than our nearest rivals.
Anyone who is conservative, is considered on the side of the political right of the government table. When they need to use the rest room, they go to their special bathroom facility, constructed by Karl Rove.
This place is reserved for
- Republicans
- Dubya
- Business Owners
- Rich People
- Fascists
- That little strap-on sucking, bitchy whiner who wrote fascists down
- Sociopaths
- Teenagers
- Libertarians
- FDD
- Assholes
- Closet Cases
- Fundamentalists
- Liberal Party of Australia
- Mario Salza
- John Howard
- Adolph Hitler
[edit] Third-Party Politicians
Thought only to exist in legend. Never win anything. Winning is downright alien to them.
[edit] Elements of Politicians
There are three main components that make up a politician:
- 24% rancid donkey piss
- 82% elephant shit
- 31% ambition
- 67% incompetency
- 99% conniving, thieving self-interest
- 62% delusion of grandeur
- 3000% spin
- 44% leech-ism
- 69% addicted to wealth & power
- 56%... oh, crap, that's over the limit (but only just since politicians frequently vote themselves an extra 15% each year).
Politians never getting anything right *priceless*
[edit] Essential Political Skills
Politicians must develop several essential skills that enable them to convince the general public that they are doing The Right Thing. These include:
- Distraction: Playing music loudly and talking about things that are as completely irrelevant to the topic as possible.
- Question avoidance: Many politicians have developed blindingly fast and agile question avoiding skills, akin perhaps to the bullet-dodging skills of Neo. This enables them to happily carry out as many less-than-desirable personal habits as possible. Examples of politicians' well hidden pastimes include Kitten Huffing and The Church.
- Corporate Ass-licking: Some notable ass lickers of the 21 Century are:
- HowTo:Make a Four Year Old Laugh
[edit] Activities of the Political Classes
All members of the government table, partake in the drinking of blood from the citizens. They often vote themselves pay raises, dip into Social Security funds for their home states, and they like to argue a lot over just about anything. Whilst the conservative and liberal classes are natural enemies, they are often seen to combine power to rail against the sheer mediocrity of the moderates. Furthermore, no individual political party or politician is bound to a particular class and may move from left to right in order to secure the most power. Mass posting extremist views on the net is a common hobby among politicians, this way they attempt to feel bonded to the mundanes annoyed at something. Other common hobbies among politicians include "meeting people", "writing" columns and "submitting false expense claims keeping up appearances".
Power is of vital importance to the politic, for without it there is great difficulty in obtaining access to a steady supply of sweet, sweet blood.
[edit] Differences Between Left and Right Politics
[edit] Abortion
- Left: You are on your own until you are born, and then you are showered with government handouts. Before birth, you're just a disposable, recyclable, useless set of cells; afterwards, you form part of The Collective.
- Right: We protect you like the mad clinic bombers until you are born, and then you are on your own against big mean cowboy capitalists. Before birth nothing is more important than your life, afterwards we draft you into as many wars as we can.
[edit] Space Flight
- Left: We waste billions of dollars for the pursuit of scientific knowledge alone.
- Right: On a five year mission to seek out new sources of oil for big-ass SUVs. Plus, rockets are the ultimate phallic symbol.
[edit] Taxes
- Left: We should tax everybody who makes over....wait a minute, let me check my W-2....oh, right...over $37,301, at 100%.
- Right: Why should we be forced to pay for those $8 billion dollar fighter jets we just approved of.
[edit] Evolution-versus-Creationism
- Left: Creationism is drunk-rednecks trying to do science with their toes and who probably only have eight as a direct genetic response to much inbreeding.
- Right: The dog-eat-dog survival-of-the-fittest Darwinian thinking is banal, offensive, and animalistic. That kind of stark thinking belongs in Economics, not Science and science is the work of THE DEVIL!!
[edit] Same-Sex-Marriage
- Left: If blue states want to marry goats, pigs, and iguanas, we should have the right.
- Right: Never... mention... that. NEVER!!!!!
[edit] Education
- Left: Supports busing students to other districts and opposes standardized testing so all students can fail with the same, diverse peer group every year.
- Right: Supports keeping people as stupid as possible so their evil-doing can remain as hidden as possible.
[edit] TV
- Left: Simplifies everything, while making counter arguments seem complicated.
- Right: Tends to make counter arguments seem complicated, while grossly simplifying own standpoints.
[edit] Health
- Left: State sponsored benefits for those suffering from hypochondria and free wart removal for all citizens.
- Right: The cost benefit analysis shows that replacement wetbacks are more cost effective than maintaining worn out ones. Hey, don't blame me, that's the way the capitalist dream works.
[edit] Crime
- Left: Kleptomania, drug addiction, psychopathy, children post-homicide sexual abuse and overall schizophrenic acts of evil are minor behavior mishaps that should be treated with compassion not punishment. We should address the underlying social issues that cause such maladies.
- Right: Hang 'em. Doesn't matter that the offender is ten years old and it was only a cookie, it is the principle that counts.
[edit] Money
- Left: Money is the root of all evil! When we tax your income at 100% we're actually doing you a massive favour! In fact we should probably charge you to take it away, oh wait, we already do!
- Right: M $ O ¢ N £ € $ ¥ $ $ R $ O $ C $ K $ S!₪₪₪!!! Don't listen to those commies!
[edit] Ultimate Aim
- Left:
To create a socialist, workers state! With beautiful women and plenty of vodka!To reduce inequality in our society. - Right:
To kill communism and siphon enough money into my Swiss bank acount to buy half of the planetTo encourage constant economic growth.
