Oscar Wilde/classic
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This person is officially god of Uncyclopedia and anything else (except for people like me and atheists).
“He is a man I greatly admire.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Himself
Oscar 'Born to be' Wilde: A man whose wisdom touches on nearly every conceivable topic, often without consent, which has led to several lawsuits. In later years, a great debate sprung up over whether men or women touched his heart, an issue that has not been completely settled. One thing is for sure though, he was a very touching man.
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[edit] Biography
His Wildeliness, Imperial Dark Lord of the Sith, the Hero of Time, Ultimate War Supreme Grand Mafioso, Uncyclopedic Holiness, Dread Mistress of the Night, The One The First, Commander of everything commendable, lord of R'lyeh, 68th degree Archpriest, MSCE, Silver Warlord, Asshole of the Highest Order, Archmage of Bone, Drunken Master, Lord of the Clouded Ruby, Master Beta, Fernando Burtoni fanboy,k The Ruined One, Count of Starstone, Lord David of Ham, General Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche Darth Overlord Oscar Fingal O'Flaherty Gregorian Eggain Meyer Horatio Tatumkolo M'babwe Babwe Afrika Al-Hafez Shankar Chaurasia Hussain Ustad Imam Caliph "That guy" Никола́й Васи́льевич Го́голь Trujillo Veracruz Clifford Lee Burton Duc Duc Goose de Franche Comte "The Pimp" O'le Biscuitbarrel F'tang "I'm not gay, honest", Comrade Peoples' Commissar for the Internal Production of the Peopless Beets and the Peoples Vodka, immortal God, El Señor Mexicano Misterioso Del Lago Del Sagrado Corazón de Jesús y Anexas Pero No Vive en La Tierra De Mujeres, President for Life, Maximum Chief of the Revolution, Knight Who Says Ni, Apostle of National Unity, Benefactor of the Poor, Patron of Commerce and Industry, Electrifier of Souls, Pooty Tang O São Jão Bão da Bôca, Esquire of the Magistrate Most Worthy, Duke of Drag Queens, The Dancing Flamingo, The Boss, The reincarnation of Paul Muad'Dib, The Main Man, The Big Cheese, The Head Huncho and possible alter-ego of Black Jesus, also known as The Irish poet, "Big, Bearded, Bonking, Butch Phil Osophy" and "Macho Commando" Wilde XXXIII Jr., was a Major Gay Icon, novelist, playwright, musician, Freemason, experienced DangerSarcian, Randomist, Master of the art of Headbutt, Reiki grandmaster, yodeler, speaker of fluent Old, Middle, and Modern Norse, chancellor of the exchequer, President of the United States, President of Television, Prime Minister of Gowandaland,Force Recon Marine Scout Sniper, Sultan of Swing, King of Mars, Lord High Admiral, King of Queens, Prime Minister of Heaven, cereal killer, sock puppet, day laborer, your mom, assistant to God, wheelchair, Taxi driver, one of the few people to lay both Some French Chick and That Girl (both separately and at the same time), Lord Fucker, master of the deadly art of Dimac, The Count of Monte Cristo, former underwear model, world yo-yo champion, Pikachu, master monkey raper, Lord High Arbiter of the Nintendo, world's heavyweight boxing champion, alter-ego of <insert name here>, Matt Damon look-alike, Poet Laureate of the Underworld and last and by no means least the grand inventor of the celebrated wank-stain. He is also the spell checker, St. Francis of Assisi, John Malkovich, the Last Samurai, a voice actor for Mickey Mouse, the Lord of all horses, Mr. Men, the first leaser of advertising space, and, a man of Hoy. Believe it or not it is also said that Oscar Wilde owns Sean Connery's hair piece from the James Bond movies. The so called hairpiece is located in a Scottish mansion in a 5 foot thick armored room surrounded by at least 2 dark lords of the Sith. The room is considered largely impenetrable, armed with security measures used only in the most secret military bases. Within the room is an automated laser targeting module and a large Nintendo controller with the sole purpose of distracting young children. Oscar Wilde is also the last remaining Homo erectus on Earth.
In addition to these many achievements, he is also the inventor of baking soda, night storage heaters, liquids, and bondage gear. An avid hippo hunter, Oscar Wilde is a stylish man-about-town, occasional car mechanic, Chinese satay and hibachi chef, talented underwater basket-weaver, five times winner of the international make-your-own-massive-working-model-of-the-solar-system-out-of-crepe-paper award, fill-in vocalist for Nirvana, goalkeeper for Angeren 6, sometime snubber, part-time superhero, holder of the patent on earphones, keeper of the wickets for the Grand Knights of Australia, Eurovision winner, and the Champion of Hyrule. However, he is best known for being the record-holder of Saying Bugger off, tic-tac-toe grandmaster, older brother of Optimus Wilde, a fan of excessive lists of his own achievements, and the greatest man ever to live. Another achievement of his was being shot by Tupac with little or no injury, apart from the loss of his 4th liver. He is also known to be the only man to go over Niagara Falls with only a pair of water wings and lived to tell about it. He has more web-links to him than anyone else on Earth. Also, Oscar Wilde is the member of every band in the known universe, except Gogol Bordello. He was kicked from Gogol Bordello, for which he played the Theremin on their first two albums for goat abuse problems. He was also expelled from Indian Institute of Management Ahmedabad, where he was sent as an emissary of Harvard, on charge of copying quotes. Later on in 2001, on the directions of Osama Bin Laden, the then director of IIMA, he was awarded honorary doctorate degree. In fact, he has also been president emeritus of the institute since then, but his presence has been elusive.
More recently, he has been elevated to the status of Rastafarian saint and Greek demigod, which has been confirmed by the Abrahamic God ("Yeah, Ole Wild-E sure knows how to convince a guy through freestyle battle rap, bee-otch." -God) He was also the Founder, Secretary, and Chief Editor of the Uncyclopedia and Master of the Hallowed Book. He gave birth to Pithy Saying Man, and Cecil. He is the sworn enemy of Billy Mays. John Walsh is rumored to know Wilde's current location, although he refuses to answer any questions.
Also, despite being his Real Father... Oscar Wilde denies knowing The Master of Love.
[edit] Current Whereabouts?
Due to a recently discovered picture, journalists and experts have claimed Wilde's lack of recent public appearances or published works is explained by his being frozen in carbonite. Although this theory has been heavily disputed by 4 out of 5 dentists, there is no true evidence to debunk this altogether.
The controversial photograph was found by Terri Schiavo while wandering the depths of vegetable hell. The official announcement was made in Paris where, upon hearing this news, rioting ensued.
Although there have been no confirmations on the veracity of these claims, conspiracy theorists have already begun to formulate diverse hypothesis on how this could have come to be. The most accepted versions so far are:
- The butler did it.
- His diverse venereal diseases reacted with the carbonate he ingested.
- Fallen victim to Turkish sex trade.
- Starring in a film about Stephen Fry.
- His archenemy Mark Twain.
- Pope condemned Wilde to metallic damnation for his sinful existence.
- Simply on call until Richard III needs him.
[edit] The Many Deaths of Oscar Wilde
Wilde death has been reported numerous times throughout history. However these are most often attributed to the deaths of Wilde's many clones often mistaken for himself or drunken prank calls to Livejournal, Fox News, and similar news agencies. Due to his impulsive nature, particularly in his habit of stealing borrowing H. G. Wells's time machine out for a joyride, we may never know the true fate of Oscar Wilde.
- 4004 BC- Oscar Wilde tries to travel back to stone age in H. G. Well's time machine, but disintegrates after passing the start of time at 6:00pm on September 20, 4004 b.c. This proves Ussher's calculation of the age of the world correct to the minute.
- 3256 BC - Wilde the Gray was killed by a Balrog in Moria, but he was reborn three days later and presented himself to his 564 Apostles as Wilde the White, gaining the power to enter white neighborhoods in the American Southeast without constantly being told, "We don't like your kind 'round here, boy," by gentlemen wearing pointy hats. He later brought a group of Kazakh shrews to defend Minas Tirith from the introduction of genetically modified crops.
- 2348 BC - Oscar Wilde perishes in the Deluge.
- 1897 BC - Wilde, then Grand Viser and Queen of Sodom, perishes during its destruction.
- 1337 AD - Oscar Wilde is challenged to a due by Lord Byron in 6,666 AD. Because dueling was then illegal, they traveled back to 1337. Wilde prevailed, but was later killed by a cheap shot from another Lord Byron from an unidentified time. Upon hearing of this, future Oscar Wilde presses charges in 2009, but finds the statue of limitations has expired.
- 1821 - Oscar Wilde travels back in time to rape his own grandmother and become his own grandfather, to settle a bet with Lord Byron over whether such an action would cause the universe to explode by the violation of the laws of causality. Wilde succeeds in this endeavor and gains the power to see flying telepathic brains who intend to destroy to universe. Unfortunately, Wilde has arrested, convicted, and executed for the rape the same year.
- 1854 - Oscar Wilde is stillborn. Upon learning of this, future Oscar Wilde clones himself and travels back in time, replacing the stillborn original version of himself with his newborn clone.
- 1855 - Oscar Wilde is executed for violating the Laws of Causality.
- 1885 - Sir Oscar Wilde was tried and hanged during the Salem, Oregon, Witch Trials.
- 1895 - Executed for treason after it was discovered that Wilde was a greater Queen than Queen Victoria. After Wilde was seem alive again in Paris two years later, the British government falsely claimed that they had merely sentenced Wilde to prison for two years for "Gross Indecency".
- 1900 - Oscar Wilde and his wallpaper fight a duel to the death. The wallpaper wins.
- 1938 - Oscar Wilde is killed in the Hindenburg disaster shortly before the start of WWII. (Note: He was later found encased in ice somewhere in the North Pole and worshiped by Eskimos for some time until he was freed by the Avengers.)
- 1942 - Oscar Wilde was killed on National Try To Assassinate The President Day. His last words were made up. He retained the presidency due to being his own vice president.
- 1947 - WWII hero Oscar Wilde was sentenced to death by Kitten Command for his destruction of the Nazi secret weapon Goliath and executed a few days earlier in Eugene, Oregon.
- 1963 - During the construction of the Egyptian Pyramids, he falls down from his horse and breaks his nose. Drowns in his own blood.
- 1986- Oscar, walking down Madison Ave. with his pet giraffe, two cases of potato salad, and three barrels of juicy juice, trips over a group of young pistachios, falls into the New York sewer system, and is eaten by a group of hungry Conservatives. His remains were then given to Margaret Thatcher as the democratic tribute to Her Terrible and Awesome rule.
- 1995 - Dies of dehydration after a month-long drooling session over Rei Ayanami.
- 1998 - Dies of Kumquat overdose. Some historians have suggested that it may have in fact been a cum overdose.
- 1999 - Is killed by rampant football hooligans, after composing the epic poem "The ballad of Reading Goal" to celebrate the football club's first ever goal in a completion match.
- 2005 - Dies in hospital after eating the fruit of an I-tree
- 2006 - Is hunted Down by Batman and Killed because his Perpetual Motion Machine Won't Help Batman Wash his car
- 3047 - Dies after an epic battle against the forces of Zombie Jesus, but not before wiping out his entire fleet of Scientologists in a bid to liberate the world.
- 0.0001 P. (Post) - Wilde dies from gets the stuffing beaten out of him by Batman (who was also cloned from a discarded kleenex) for declaring cheese the universal currency and thus rendering Batman's money mostly useless.
[edit] Wilde's Sexuality
Oscar Wilde is widely considered to be a bisexual or homosexual dead-butch straight heterosexual. No one knows about this. It is definitely a huge secret and should be taken very seriously when announced.
This quote has been attributed to Oscar Wilde, though no one is certain if he was serious or jesting:
“I'm a tri-sexual; I'll try anything at least once. Blow up toys, whipped cream, men, women, unidentifiables, you name it and I'll give it a go.”
~ Oscar Wilde on sexuality
[edit] Slander of Oscar Wilde and His Sexuality
“Look at what Bob Massingbird did to Oscar Wilde - big, bearded, bonking, butch Oscar, the terror of the ladies. A hundred and fourteen illegitimate children, world heavyweight boxing champion and author of the bestselling pamphlet 'Why I Like to Do It with Girls' - and Massingbird had him sent down for being a whoopsy.”
~ Blackadder on The trial of Oscar Wilde
Like Elton John, David Bowie, and Mick Jagger, Oscar Wilde in the beginning gayed it up to sell his records. Fans who really knew he liked girls were in on the joke and loved it. However, the facade soon took a turn for the worse when he met Lord Alfred Douglas at a poetry slam in Whitechapel. Lord Alfred Douglas -known as 'Alfie' to his friends or 'Peachbottom' amongst London's rentboy circuit- wanted Oscar to critique and edit his writing, and Oscar gladly did so. However, Douglas' father, the Marquess of Queensberry objected to his son abandoning the catamite profession in favor of the glitzy world of poetry, so he used the joke against Wilde, and began to slander and libel Oscar publicly, even going so far as to deliver a bouquet of obscenely-shaped vegetables to Oscar's studio apartment which he shared with his wife, mistress, dominatrix, secretary, French maid, cook, nurse, serving wench, and closet full of young, nubile, female groupies, the card bearing the inscription "To Oscar Wilde, posing Somdomite".
When Oscar took the Marquess to court for libel, slander, loss of income earned, lose of appetite and impersonating English aristocracy, the Marquess took the bold move of hiring famed English lawyer P.Q.R. "Bob" Massingbird. Massingbird turned the tables on Wilde's cheap lawyer, and though originally the Marquess was on trial, Massingbird turned the tables and had Wilde convicted of "gross indecency with another man", "sodomy", "impersonating a fictitious character from Geoffrey Chaucer", "saying 'bugger off' the most times in a single minute", and other things not actually considered criminal in Britain. For this, Oscar was sentenced to five years in Reading Gaol, a prison known for its well-stocked library. Oscar was allowed to escape after serving three years.
[edit] Achievements
- -702 A.D. - Sir Oscar Wilde is elected British Prime Minister.
- -536 A. D. - Wilde invents the wheel, because dragging around his awards and novels was becoming tiring.
- 0 - Oscar Wilde conquers Mars.
- 576 A. D. - Wilde founds the Oscars. As a prestigious arse himself, Wilde sees it only fitting to judge and bestow some of his spare awards upon lesser prestigious persons.
- 725 A. D. - Oscar Wilde is dubbed the "King of Quotes" by his beloved Britain.
- 800 A. D. - Oscar Wilde founds Uncyclopedia, and dubs himself the "Chief Quoter".
- 823 A. D. - Wilde kills his arch-nemesis Lord Byron in a pistol duel. This ignites a firestorm of apathy, which sweeps through the streets of Britain like a lorry at 4:00PM on a Friday afternoon.
- 863 A. D. - Wilde discovers the mysterious Dental_Fabric lying on his porch, and claims it as his own invention, later to be proven wrong by tachyon-based beings that live through time backwards.
- 1005 A. D., also known as 2006 or 0 BNR - Wilde takes over Microsoft, which by that time consists of one employee, Guest, having copyrighted all Microsoft jokes on the Internet. See also 2006.
- 1337 A. D., Oscar Wilde is born. How this is possible nobody knows. Except For a specific person but this person has been killed by Brody Self. Sadly, This person's name cannot be revealed due to copyright regulations.
- 1435.723 A. D. - Wilde places picture of self over his fireplace, but soon dislikes the setting and moves painting to kitchen.
- 1534 A. D. - Wilde burns down most of London by distributing dangerously flammable copies of a book on DHMO, then creates a hologram version of the city. The only person to ever realize this was Vlad the Impala, but he suffered a turnip wound to the leg and died before the story could get out.
- 1702 A. D. - US President Oscar Wilde begins the first US Open, which took place took place somewhere in the Himalayas. Needless to say, Oscar won the tournament with a 369 over par.
- 1868 A. D.-Organizes the first League of Extraordinary People from a group of kids he found at the orphanage. They battle against Evil Lincoln and liberate the slaves from the burden of being freemen.
- 1909 A. D. - While picking through his pockets Oscar Wilde finds a piece of lint which, unbenownst to him, has achieved sentience. That piece of lint is now the official mascot of University of The North Pole, and a multinational study of Oscar Wilde's trouser pockets' ability to bestow sentience was begun in the Spring of 1954.
- 1939 A. D. - Combines with Genghis Khan to form Genghis Wilde, the greatest Super Saiyan the universe has ever known. Battles on the side of Pope John Paul 2.0 during the Great Doobie War and wins the decisive battle at Miami Beach.
- March 17, 1954 A. D. - Oscar Wilde fights Mother Nature in the first internationally-televised boxing match in three hundred years. Oscar wins by knockout three seconds into the first round. Mother Nature is incapacitated for six months, causing Spring and Summer of that year not to happen.
- 1972 A. D. - Jailed by a military court for a crime he didn't commit.
- 1977 A. D. - To power his Uncyclopedia, Wilde harnesses the unlimited energy of either a Stormtroopers vs. Red Shirts device or a Cat-Toast Device. The exact method remains the source of much controversy.
- 1978 A. D. - Wilde founds the band Wilde Boys, they split the following year over an argument about curtains.
- 1980 A. D. - Wilde founds the band Metallica.
- 1984 A. D. - On the Idiotic Table of the Elements, Oscarwildeum is simultaneously discovered, created, and accidentally eaten. Rejoicing all around.
- 1988 A. D. - stars in hit sitcom Return.
- 1989 A. D. - Has another hit television show on E! entitled "Wilde On."
- 1998 A. D. - Wilde dies after consuming one too many kumquats. He is the first man known to do so. As he said before he died:
(“Kumquats, Kumquats! I must have my Kumquats!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Kumquats
- 2003 A. D. - Wilde is reportedly seen simultaneously entering and exiting a taxi cab in downtown New York City in apparent defiance of the draconian laws of gravity.
- 2005 A. D. - After the Multicultural Revolution which ushered in the De Facto Unbridled Capitalism system in China, the legendary "Orange Book of the Sayings of Chairman Mao" sadly fell into neglect. The "Purple Book of Quatrains" by Wilde now tops the best-seller lists in China. The Purple Book is virtually unknown elsewhere in the Known World. Also, Wilde proves that the solar system is way different that we thought.
- 2005 A. D. - Sir Oscar Wilde Invents The Perpetual Motion Machine with the help of Godzilla and without the help of the ungrateful Batman who tried to foil his plan after learning that a perpetual motion machine is not going to wash his Batmobile. In creating the Machine Wilde foils millions of mad scientists around the world and drove many others to a psychotic breakdown. Including world Renowned Billionaire Joe Bloke.
Wilde has not been able to patent his machine due to the fact that it won't stop moving long enough for him to put on the little copyright sticker.
- 2006 A. D. - Oscar Wilde Has a boxing match with Joe Bloke and gets the stuffing beaten out of him. Was last seen getting dragged out of the ring by his good friend and well wisher, Harry Potter
- 2007 A. D. - Oscar Makes friends with a monkey
- 2012 A. D. - Wilde allies with Cthulhu. Also known as a squid whale. Together they brought peace and justice to U.S. after years of terror and fear.
- 2017 A. D. - Wilde created the WWWW (Wilde's World Wild Web) which is an internet not only world wild but also time wilde.
- 3082.3 A. D. - Wilde is cloned from a discarded Kleenex. He is elected supreme leader of Earth and surrounding territories. Blows Helena Bowen.
- 0 P.C. (Post Cheese) - Wilde declares Cheese as the new universal currency.
- 0.0001 P.C. - Wilde dies from gets the stuffing beaten out of him by Batman (who was also cloned from a discarded kleenex) for declaring cheese the universal currency and thus rendering Batman's money mostly useless.
- 1426x2 P.C. - Oscar Wilde is discovered to be hording sex in his car parked by the river in New New Orleans. This leads him into a Decline that lasts for millions of years until Ultra Jesus comes.
He is also the only one who knows the truth about Avril Lavigne. This has driven the press wild(e), because Wilde refuses to tell anyone. While some speculate that this is because he is dead, this fact has been disputed.
[edit] Wilde's Wit
“The only thing in the world worse than being Oscar Wilde is not being Oscar Wilde.”
Oscar Wilde's wit is as sharp as a bandsaw and twice as insightful. He is a master conversationalist; his intellect and cranium are of the magnitude as to have dragged one polite session of small-talk into nigh on three days, leaving gashes on the furniture and his gracious hosts-cum-guests scarcely aware they had missed the horse-drawn train. At the dinner party of Lord Autumn-Whiner (retired, deceased) Oscar Wilde orated the guests up near the ceiling, where they floated helplessly until he called upon his friend Dorian Gray to bring them back down again. Oscar's command of bullshit, letting him to speak on any subject with complete fluidity, went to ill employ by a charlatan seeking to pump up the prices of Irish potatoes. It is said that God borrowed Oscar Wilde's spur-of-the-moment ramblings on ethics in writing the second edition of the Holy Bible; in light of this, Wilde's wit is clearly devastating.
Foolishly, Wilde began to think of his skills in speech as a sort of superpower, and in response to egging on over the course of weeks by his close acquaintance The Green Lantern he talked philosophy to the king of England with such ferocious precision as to convince his majesty to jump off Big Ben, which had not been constructed yet. This got him a run in King's Massage Table prison, where he nearly went mad for not having anybody to patronise. Fitted with a "wit inhibitor," he was blocked from intimidating and wooing any jail guards into releasing him and had to break out on his own. The experience changed Wilde, who determined to use his powers for good and not evil. The faint outline of the Wilde symbol can still be made out on the clouds in Ireland, for instance when a member of parliament requires a good quip for his re-election campaign.
[edit] The Oscar Wilde Quote Saga
Oscar Wilde is, without argument, King of the Quotes. However, this has not been without consequence. Amongst his more illustrious achievements, Oscar Wilde is also known as the "King of the People Who Get their Quotes Stolen." More so than any other man (save Anonymous), Oscar Wilde has his quotes stolen, misrepresented, and has hideous travesties attributed to him.
So rampant is Oscar Wilde quote-misattribution, that even his own publication, Uncyclopedia, contains many quotes falsely attributed to the Great Author. To combat this, his children now authenticate all Oscar Wilde original quotes.
Wilde quote-misattribution is the national sport of England. Because of this, it is extraordinarily easy to find Oscar Wilde quotes (official and not), leading to greater confusion.
Due to it being the national sport, it is considered most polite among the middle classes of England to answer any telephonic inquiry relating to the desirability of a quote with the sentence "Oooo - yes please, can I have an Oscar Wilde one? He's my favorite!"
The more progressive and risqué among Britain's social climbers may on occasion be tempted to ask for a quote by Winston Churchill, although the old money still views this as irredeemably gauche.
[edit] Appearance on American Idol
In late 2006 / early 2007, rumors spread around the Internet, started by this guy about the missing "Oscar Wilde Bitch-Slaps Simon Cowell" episode of the 2006 season of American Idol. It was rumored that Simon Cowell was beaten so badly he had to be replaced by a robot. Any links promising footage led to 404 or porno pages.
Spam e-mails went around the Internet saying Oscar Wilde had enrolled in the contest as a way to get past Cowell's security, to "physically express his loathing hatred of Simon Cowell."
However, the story finally hit the mainstream media when Entertainment Tonight aired the shocking video clips. The clips began by showing Oscar Wilde show up drunk, then beginning to belt out the lyrics to "Baby Got Back" in a sort of Jamaican/Welsh falsetto accent. Simon then stops Oscar Wilde from singing and begins to diss Oscar Wilde in his trademark fashion. However, unlike other contestants who stand their like a bitch and take it, Oscar Wilde proceeded to leap over the table and beat Simon mercilessly with a sturgeon he'd previously concealed in his codpiece. The video recorded Oscar Wilde's prose for posterity, including famous insults such as "Do you think being gay means you have any taste?", "Recording wrestler's records? Teletubbies? WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!", "Usurp me as Britain's most well-know poof, NEVER?", "You get paid $32 million a year for insulting people?!?! I only got five pounds for dissing the queen of England!!!!!", "If you know what makes good singing why are you hanging out with Paula Abdul?", "Stop spreading the myth that British and gay are the same! You know damn well Elton John is dead-butch and gays it up to sell records!" and other things not beeped by the censors.
However, Oscar Wilde soon after unleashed the ravenous attack lawyers the Church of Scientology he keeps in its basement upon ET!, suing the entertainment show for slander, libel, and making the camera add 20lbs to his ass. Geraldo soon came out with his own examination of the video, claiming the ET! expert's examination of Oscar's bitch-slap ("back...and to the left.....back...and to the left") was really lifted from the Oliver Stone movie JFK.
Simon Cowell however never spoke up about the incident, while the FOX network denied it ever happened. Simon Cowell's publicist later denied his client and Oscar Wilde had ever been in a fight and that his client had been injured to the point he needed to be replaced by a robot, even when the National Enquirer ran pictures of Simon Cowell oiling himself and fixing the wires sticking out of his neck, as well as the candid shots of him connected to an electrical socket at a popular L.A. nightclub, as well as reports of a comatose Simon Cowell being found in a nursing home in Bad Ass, Texas.
[edit] The Movie Oscar Wilde
“Check out my website. I get paid per view.”
In 1997, Oscar Wilde tried out for the title role playing himself in the biographical movie about him named "Oscar Wilde". Much to his dismay, however, the casting director said he was far too butch to play himself, and therefore the title role went to Stephen Fry. Oscar Wilde complained that Stephen Fry looked nothing like him and his voice was much too dry ("Not enough absinthe! My god, the man's a teetotaler for Heaven's sake! Get that man some absinthe!") and threatened to sue the producers, though they offered him a technical advisory position if he'd stop litigation. Oscar Wilde agreed, but the lawsuit was back on when Jude Law was selected to play Lord Alfred Douglas ("How can Jude Law, a man who's so straight he cheated on his wife for another woman, play a mincing little queen as grand as Alfie was? Just because he has a good fake English accent doesn't mean he's gay!") This time, the producers scoffed at Oscar Wilde's lawsuit, and he was barred from the set when he tried to show Jude Law how a real homosexual screws another man, using Jude Law himself as an example.
Litigation against the producers is still pending at this time. Jude Law has a restraining order saying Oscar Wilde can't be within 500 feet of him, nor can any 500ft dildo or other sex toy Oscar Wilde may be using.
Wilde in Paris was a success for Oscar Wilde in 1910 but the remake Wilde in San Francisco was a flop.
[edit] Presidency
Oscar Wilde became President recently when everyone decided that Rachael Ray sucked ass compared to him. He is now the 58th president and the second president to be named Oscar Wilde, the first more commonly having been known as Jimmy Carter.
[edit] Accomplishments of Presidency
- Pioneered the use of cheese as currency.
- Won 100% disapproval of his constituency for the Compulsory Eating of Asparagus at Breakfast Act.
- Successfully separated Church and State, sending both of them to their corners to sit and think about what they'd done, and then to go to bed early with no dinner.
- Passed the 32nd amendment, which not only lowered the voting age to 5, but allowed dogs and dead people to cast ballots in the election.
- Vomited accidentally on more world leaders than George Bush for a grand total of 37. Also managed to sneeze on the pope twice.
- Balanced the budget on the tip of his nose.
[edit] Redecorating the Presidency
He briefly considered painting the White House pink and renaming it the Pink House, but the gay cabaret in San Fransisco copyrighted their club name before Oscar Wilde could buy the paint.
He also became the first president to offer up Air Force 1 to MTVs "Pimp My Ride" for a redecorating. The naked lady mudflaps on the landing gear won him a new popularity in the South and with truck drivers. The fake leopardskin sofas and the hot tub won him respect with the young urban, hip-hop crowd, and the hydraulics to turn Air Force 1 into the first 747 low-rider won him street cred with the vatos and hommies. In fact, later historians credit Oscar's redecorating Air Force 1 for him winning the youth vote in his re-election campaign, and getting the most GenX/Y voters to come to the polls.
| Preceded by: New Title | President of the United States Beginning of Time - End of Time | Succeeded by: Title Extinct |
| Preceded by: Lucille Ball | President of Television 1948-1950 | Succeeded by: Pepsi |
| Preceded by: Bea Arthur | Prime Minister of Gowandaland | Succeeded by: Satan Claus |
| Preceded by: New Title | Sultan of Swing 1689-1714 | Succeeded by: Merged in Crown |
| Preceded by: New Car Smell | King of Mars 1714-1877 | Succeeded by: Magical Trevor |
| Preceded by: Cthulhu | Lord High Admiral 1968-1983 | Succeeded by: Flying Spaghetti Monster |
| Preceded by: Archie Bunker | King of Queens 1983-1998 | Succeeded by: Kevin James |
| Preceded by: Dante | Prime Minister of Heaven 1339-1549 | Succeeded by: Gabriel the Archangel |
[edit] Lists
[edit] What People Say About Oscar Wilde
“Only two things are infinite, the universe and the number of Oscar Wilde quotes on Uncyclopedia, and I'm not sure about the former.”
“Who is Oscar Wilde?”
~ n00b on Oscar Wilde
“If you're going to do something rude, do it for a reason, and get something from it”
~ Patricia C. Wrede on Oscar Wilde's sexuality
“...get off my property.”
~ Lord Byron on Oscar Wilde
“...the gayest man I've ever met!”
~ John Howard on Oscar Wilde
“Father!”
~ Maxlam on Oscar Wilde
“Yeeehaw! What a kwee-yur! ”
~ Will Rogers on Oscar Wilde
“I did not have sexual relations with that man!”
~ Bill Clinton on Oscar Wilde
“I was in college, I was drunk, I was curious...”
~ George Bush on Oscar Wilde
“I wish I knew how to quit you!”
~ Bono on Oscar Wilde
“My wallpaper and I are fighting a duel to the death. One or other of us has got to go.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Oscar Wilde's Wallpaper
“Oh yeah, he sat by me in Chemistry. Pretty weird guy, always in caprices.”
~ Melbert Schmelkerstein, Oscar's 10th Grade classmate on Oscar Wilde
“Oscar, for Chrissakes, butch it up!”
~ Gertrude Stein on Oscar Wilde
“Now taking reservations for the I hate the Marquess of Queensberry Club.”
“I like a martini, two at the very most, three I'm under the table, four I'm Oscar Wilde.”
~ Dorothy Parker on Martinis
“He's the only man I ever wanted but couldn't have. Maybe if I learned yoga.”
“I never really got into Oscar Wilde. But he got into me a few times.”
~ Noel Coward on Oscar Wilde
“Hey Vern!”
~ Ernest
“*Blowjob gesture*”
~ Mime on Oscar Wilde
“Shall I compare thee to Oscar Wilde?”
~ William Shakespeare on Oscar Wilde
“Whenever I hear the words 'Oscar Wilde', that's when I reach for my revolver.”
~ Hermann Goering on Oscar Wilde
“Don't get me started on Oscar Wilde. He's the reason my teeth are so fucked up!”
~ Freddie Mercury on Oscar Wilde
“CHARLIE MURPHEY!”
~ Rick James on Slap Victims
“It's gotten to the point where anyone can make up quotes about Oscar Wilde and say they're from Oscar Wilde.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Oscar Wilde
“That's Oscar Wilde? I could have sworn it was a pile of burnt and fatty grease from the Grease Hut!”
~ Martin Van Buren on Oscar Wilde
“A simply delicious blend of lovely-pork-pie-sweeteners, mixed with a pinch of quite-spiffing and tossed into a soup of general-loveliness”
~ Stephen Fry on Oscar Wilde
“Who the fuck is this wise-ass Oscar Wilde motherfucker?”
~ Samuel L Jackson on Oscar Wilde
“HONK HONK!”
~ Skeeter
“Don't fuck with the master”
~ Jack Bauer on Oscar Wilde
“FALCON OSCAR WILDE”
~ Captain Falcon on Oscar Wilde
“God hates him”
~ Fred Phelps on Oscar Wilde
“He is gay.”
~ Captain Obvious on Oscar Wilde
“He was killed by Chuck Norris seventeen times.”
~ Richard Nixon on Oscar Wilde
[edit] List of Enemies
- Lord Byron, ("Wouldn't you like to know ?" - Oscar Wilde)
- Toulouse Lautrec, ("If it's one thing I hate more then someone Making up Oscar Wilde Quotes, it's a Frenchman Making up Oscar Wilde Quotes." - Oscar Wilde)
the Marx Brothers(cheque received in 2002)- the Dutch, ("...I need a reason ?" - Oscar Wilde)
- Ibrahim-Clarence Wiener, ("I don't know who this man is but I've been getting his messages now for several years and I'm quite displeased about it." - Oscar Wilde)
- World Monocle Wearing Championship ("I was framed !" - Oscar Wilde)
- Han Solo ("Even you get boarded sometimes?! Why didn't you board me?!)
- Shovel-wielding Nuns on motorcycles (" Actually... that sounds downright kickass. I'm gonna pick me up one o' those." -Oscar Wilde)
- The Master of Love, ("That Fat Dick has ruined my life ever since I popped out the womb, even though I popped out before him...what's up with that?" - Oscar Wilde)
- Captain Obvious
- Yoda
- John Lennon, ("He claims he wrote 'Imagine'. I wrote that in 1963, and it was about R Kelly's nipples" - Oscar Wilde)
- <insert name here>, Oscar Wilde is quoted as saying,"<insert name here> is even gayer than I wish I was!"
- Kumquats!!
- Kate Middleton
- Tin Tin
- Metapods (from Pokemon)
- Jimbo Wales do I even have to explain this one?
[edit] Filmography
- Slappy's Angels (TV series) (2012) ... Himself
- The Swami of Arabia (2009)
- Hey, That's My Oscar! (2008)
- Slappy's Angels (2007) ... Tour Guide (uncreditted)
- Brokeback Mountain (2005)
- The Wilde Thornberrys Movie (2002)
- Harry Potter And the Sorcerer's Philosopher (2002)
- Freddy vs. Jason vs. The Board of Education (2001)
- Wilde Wilde West (1999)
- Wilde Things (1998)
- Call of the Wilde (1972)
- Girls Gone Wilde (1990-Current)
- Wet and Wilde in Elko (1999) ... Buck Nekid
- The AAA-Team (TV) (1987-Current) ... Himself
- Lil' Oscar Wilde (1986) ... Lil' Oscar Wilde (voice over)
- Star Wars (1977) ... Oscar Obi Wilde
- The Wilde (1972)...Himself/Sam Peckinpaugh
- The Graham Chapman Sketch (1971)...Graham Chapman
- The Wilde One (1953) ...Himself
[edit] Bibliography
- A History of the Prehistoric era (unknown)
- The Flintstones (unknown)
- The Bible* (unknown)
- Uncyclopedia Brown, Content Free Detective (1066)
- Uncyclopedia Brown and the Nazi Gold of Zurich (1492)
- Gategate aka StarTrek Its Go Time (1593)
- Oscar's Wilde Almanack (1646)
- Tales from the Street (1818)
- Poems in Pudding (1899)
- The Pelican Brief (1902) (Under pen name John Grisham)
- Uncyclopedia Brown Takes a Bullet Meant for Archduke Franz Ferdinand (1915)
- Uncyclopedia Brown Think He All Dat (1927)
- The Secret Passage (1932)
- Uncyclopedia Brown vs Godzilla vs Mothra vs King Ghidora (1937)
- Uncyclopedia Brown and King Ottokar's Sceptre (1939) (originally Uncyclopédie le Brun et Le Sceptre d'Ottokar)
- The Picture of Dorian Gray (1942)
- Uncyclopedia Brown's Atlantic City Adventure (1965)
- The Greatest Story Ever Told (1966)
- It's a Very Uncyclopedia Brown Christmas (aka Bloodied Corpses Under the Tree) (1980)
- Uncyclopedia Brown Does Dallas (1993)
- The Most Quotable Smackdown of All Time (1996)
- A Livejournal As Expressed Through the Immortal Wit and Wisdom of Oscar Wilde (1998)
- Oscar Wilde's Guide to Being Emo (1998)
- This Book is Better than First, Second, and Possibly Even Third Base 2000
- The Importance of Being Archetypes (2005)
- Note: Wilde was uncredited as the ghostwriter of The Bible.
[edit] Discography
- Wilde About the Gay Nineties! (1910)
- The Importance of Being Ernestine (Original Cast Recording) (1938) [see also The Importance of Being Earnest, an awful take-off of the original 'Ernestine']
- The Importance Of Being Idle (1958)
- Rampage, Ravage, Rape...Are Not Good Things (1960)
- Dark Side Of The Moon (1979)
- Frank's Wilde Years (1980)
- Kids in America as Kim Wilde (1982)
- Mr.Bunny and The Wilde Squid Funk Band (1990)
- Wilde's Greatest Hits! (Bootleg) (2006)
- I Met This Kid Named Jesus of Nazareth (2009)
[edit] Video Games
- Civilization IV in the Warlords expansion pack, Oscar is the leader of the Civilization Uncyclopedia with the Chuck Norris special unit. Starting techs for Oscar are Internet and Wiki (2006)
- Grand Theft Auto: Vatican City Oscar Wilde beta tested this game, and as a result one of the autos is called the Oscar Wilde Wienermobile™, and Oscar is a character that can be unlocked if you break into the Pope's bedroom and use his laptop to browse the Uncyclopedia web page. (2007)
- Halo This game is based on Wilde's pursuit for White Castle one night.
- World of Warcraft Oscar has been rumored to appear in the expansion along with the secret cow level, which ,Oscar himself has stated, doesn't exist.
- Super Robot Taisen Oscar is said to appear in a secret scene (Unlocked by beating Super Soulgain X with DaiSRX with Ingram as the Pilot) in which relates Oscar's tale as Excellen Browning's apprentice. While shortly after the scene begins, Oscar mysteriously receives a phone call which relates that The Patriots have been dead for years. He hence leaves, with a Weissritter plushie, a 30$ giftcard to Walmart, and Sir Robin's accursed bards. Which was later eaten. And then there was much cheering.
[edit] Random Oscar Wilde Trivia
- Oscar Wilde's favorite sport is croquet.
- Oscar Wilde had no navel. He was born with one (despite persistent rumours) but it was removed by surgery after injuries received during an 'incident', details of which are still sketchy. As far as is known, it was due to an early attempt at sexual congress with a member of the Jockey Club, and a typically Victorian misunderstanding of appropriate postures. An alternative theory is that it was owing to a poor translation in Richard Burton's early editions of The Perfumed Garden.
- See main article for others: Oscar Wilde/Facts
[edit] External links
- Real Oscar Wilde Quotes (satire)
- More Real Oscar Wilde Quotes
- Oscar Wilde action figure
- Oscar Wilde on Monty Python
 You have been warned!The Beast is watching.
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Chaos═╤═Chaos ┌───┴───┐ Amor═╤═Gaea │ ┌───Oranos═╤═Gaea │ │ │ ┌────┴────┐ │ Zeus══╤══Kronos │ Chaos══╪══Mewtwo Aphrodite/Venus══╪══Oscar Wilde (see here) │ ┌─────────────┴────────────────────────────┐ │ │ │ Clam │ Aphrodite════╪════Hermes │ │ │ ┌──Hermaphrodite ┌──────┬────────────┬─────┴───┬──────────────┬──────────────┤ ├───────────┐ │ │ │ │ │ │ │ │ Sonic Zeus════╤════Hera══╤══This Guy═╤═J. Neutron═╤═Fairy Godmother Wyatt══╤══Poseidon │ │ │ │ │ │ ┌────────┬────────┴───┐ │ └────┐ │ Carl Sagan═══╤═══Anonymous │ │ │ │ │ │ │ Pacman══╤══Mr. Love══╤══Hermes ├───Antithe Tinkerbell God═════╤════Virgin Mary═══╤═══Chronos │ │ │ ├───Andrea │ │ Mothra═╤═Oscar Wilde Peter Pan─────┼───Pan Original Jesus═══╤═══Mary Magdalene ┌───┴────┬──────┬─────┐ └───Peter Griffin │ │ │ │ │ │ │ │ PS Man Cecil Gene Ray │ ...and we all know what happened next │ │ │ │ │ Godzilla═╤═Google │ Goa Tse═══════╤═══Your Mom │ │ │ Mozilla Firefox═╤═Mew ┌────┴─────┐ │ │ │ Mewtwo │ Transvesta │ │ │ Splenda═╤═Wilford Brimley │ │ ...And you... │ ┌────┴─────┐ Diabeetis Meow Mix
| Mythical United States Presidents |
|---|
|
1st Eris Discordia → George Washington Carver → Billie Jean → Ruby Tuesday → Escape Key → Spark Notes → Jayson Blair → Garfield → Elvis Presley → 10th Thomas Jefferson → Michael Jordan → Ronald McDonald → Doris Day → Ayn Rand → Kermit the Frog → Teddy Ruxpin → Aretha Franklin → King Kong → Barbie → 20th Escape Key (2) → Fillard Millmore → Grover Cleveland → Harper Lee → Grover Cleveland (2) → Beetle Bailey → Grover Cleveland (3) → Abraham Lincoln → Chevy Trailblazer → Elton John → 30th The Unknown Bassist → Satan → Nicole Ritchie → Billy Ocean → Calvin Coolidge → Tom Cruise → Charles Nelson Reilly → Bill Clinton → George W. Bush → 40th Dick Cheney → Saddam Hussein → Ashlee Simpson → Emmanuel Lewis → Calvin Klein → John Kerry → Lyndon Baines Johnson → Jerry Seinfeld → Oprah Harpo 5932 → Bill Clinton v 2.0 → 50th Zsa Zsa Gabor → Madonna → Me → Your mom → Jesus H. Christ → Teeth → 56th Bob |
| People named Oscar |
|---|
| Oscar Wilde • Oscar Wilder • Oscar Mayer • Oscar the Grouch • Oscar Romero • Oscars (Academy Awards) |
| Commonwealth of Independent Nations |
| In order of importance Britain ~ Oz ~ Canada ~ Canadia ~ Sarrff Affrikka ~ East Indies / West Indies ~ Kittenolivia ~ Cyprus ~ Bangladesh ~ Kenya ~ Dodoland ~ Seychelles ~ Paradise ~ Terrorist Country ~ Singapore ~ Hell ~ Barbados ~ Can or not? ~ Duchy of Björk ~ Semen ~ Sierra Leone ~ Foriegn Barsturds ~ More Foreign Barsturds ~ Even More Foreign Bastards ~ America (we wish) ~ United Kingdom of America ~ United Kingdom ~ United States of America ~ Great Britain ~ Britain ~ Naziland ~ Tease ~ Tonga ~ Those F***ers ~ Cat-Lovers ~ China ~ The Lost Continent ~ Mugabeland ~ Another Mugabeland ~ Kentuckistan |