Orange Juice
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
| |
Orange juice is a beverage most people in Mediocre Britain drink for breakfast, or dinner as they call it. It is most commonly "made" from burning paper, poppadoms and live human hearts (see The Aztecs for more details) and sometimes blue and green glacé cherries.
Contents |
[edit] Origins
Orange Juice is made in several steps.
- Get Oranges
- Peel Oranges (See Also Peeling Bananas)
- Make Orange Juice (drink and then swallow)
[edit] Getting Oranges
Oranges come from the banana tree deep in the jungles of Liechtenstein, but only when a mountain goat that has been blessed by The Pope on February 30 in a fibbonaci numbered year urinates at the base of the banana tree before it reaches the height of a man's breast. It is because of the close relationship between the banana tree and the orange tree that people use oranges in various "Knock Knock Jokes" such as:
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Banana. Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Banana. Knock Knock
Who's there?
Banana Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Orange you glad I didn't say banana?
(Laughter ensues)
Alternatively, oranges can be grown on orange trees, but this method requires at least double the effort.
[edit] Peeling Oranges
Warning: Peeling oranges is a high risk activity, and should not be attempted under any circumstances. Peeling oranges should be undertaken only by a proffesional, and the procedure is presented here for educational purposes only.
- Obtain a sword, axe, spear, meatcleaver, ice pick, or any other sharp object.
- Carefully circumscribe the orange vertically in four equidistant places, careful to cut only the skin of the orange.
- Pull gently at each of the skin sections away from the flesh of the orange.
- If you cut the flesh of the orange, you have failed. Find a new orange and begin again.
Cutting your own flesh is a less serious mistake. See First Aid. Orange may still be used, if intact. Wash off blood.
[edit] Making Orange Juice
Orange Juice
You will need:
- Two dozen oranges, peeled.
- One large butt, preferably your own.
- A large bowl, preferably fragile glass.
- One glass.
- A mouth and then drink it.....yum yum
To make:
- Place oranges between butt cheeks.
- Clench cheeks until liquid comes out (Do this over bowl)
- Pour into glass.
Makes one glass.
[edit] History
Oranges started when the first ice age came along from global warming that was not just caused naturally (mitch i told you so) and the dinosaurs and humans and stuff found a tree with orange balls on it. they peeled them and found them to be delici-oso. Ever since people have very much enjoyed their presence on this earth. Another thoery is the micheal Jackson theory (hehe heee) that he brought them from whatever strange planet he came from. Both theorys have been widely accepted in today's day and age and since it has been a conflict that has started many wars in America. Such as World war(s) 1-5 (you'll see the others are coming soon :D). Wow, that was dumb.
Bold text== Alternate Uses == what a great night Oranges. Arent they facinating? They can be used for so many things. One of which includes summoning buddah, allah, gablahblah,mohammad, and jesus. This is just form one little orange too. A whole grove of orange trees includes many possibilities, such as summoning (number of trees * oranges per tree) buddahs.
Oranges are also a good source of gangster(a vitamin most of you dont know about). By simply eating one orange a day you too can be as ghetto as lil mama, shakira, or maybe even elton jon. micheal jackson micheal jckson ricky bobby rick ross HUSTLE! orange juice was most coveted for its strong taste of grape juice.
[edit] Famous Events in Orange Juice History
- A very long time ago BC - Orange Jews invent Orange juice.
- 1490 BC - An ancient sumerian orange juice worship ritual goes astray when Robin Hood loses one of his golden sneakers.
- 300 BC - Egyptian Pharaohs, wishing to take Orange Juice with them to the afterlife, build pyramids to your mom
store millions of gallons of Orange Juice for their afterlives. Thieves break into the pyramids, steal the orange juice, desecrate the corpses, leave behind invaluable gold statues. Years later, different thieves break in, re-desecrate the corpse, are pissed to find Orange Juice gone, and steal the gold statues for shits and giggles.
- 44 BC - After it becomes suspected Julius Caesar may be planning to declare himself king over all Orange Juice, a group of conspiring senators assassinate him.
- 1773 AD - Boston colonists, chanting "no taxation without thirst quenching," pour thousands of gallons of English Orange Juice into the water in great "Boston Orange Juice Mixer." Americans soon after began drinking the other famous thrist quencher, Sprite, in protest.
- 1905 AD - Upton Sinclair's famous book, "The Rainforest" is published, making public the horrors of the Orange Juice packing industry. Mules and Ponies, instead of Unicorns, were being used to filter Orange Juice. Instead of Pixie Dust, Talcum Powder or rat poison was added. Congress sits on its hands and switches to drinking Lemonade, a.k.a. the Devil's Elixer. Congress' switch to Lemonade directly correlates to Congress beginning to suck hardcore.
- 1929 AD - When the primary shareholder in Yummy suddenly sells all his stock, all other Yummy and Tasty stockholders follow suit, setting into motion the stock market crash that would cause the Great Depression. Families would stand in line for hours to get one cup of orange juice to split between themselves.
- 1942 AD - In the darkest days of war, ruthless Nazi slave labour camps begin production of concentrate, marketed by Hitler under the slogan "Arbeit: Nicht Frei" (work, not freedom).
- August 10, 1945 AD: V-J day: California orange growers declare victory over Japan and begin the export of sunshine worldwide.
- 1945-ish- Baby Boom is not caused my end of World War II, rather by an advertising campaign by Orange Juice manufacturer Sun Valley Orange Juice, which urged buyers to "Drink Orange Juice and Screw for Vitality."
- 1960 AD - "Honk if you like Orange Juice" bumper sticker invented. Noise pollution invented soon thereafter.
- 1963 AD - JFK is assassinated. When his assassin Lee Harvey Oswald is killed three days later by known Orange Juice Mafia member Jack Ruby, JFK's own ties to the Orange Juice Mafia, that they may have helped him win the presidential election in exchange for cooperation in sales of Unicorn filters, are called into question. Also, this year was home to the national Orange Juice Day scandal.
- 1969 AD - Americans win space race by making Neil Armstrong first man to drink Orange Juice on the moon. The last of the Tang is launched into deep-space orbit by NASA from the Space Shuttle Pinto and Space Shuttle Hindenberg, never to be seen again.
- 1979 AD - Edwyn Collins forms the Jam. Upon being informed that that name was taken he settles for second best and calls the band Orange Juice. They are most notable for inventing all music not invented by Joy Division
- 1990 AD - Orange Geuce is born in someplace that is not Orange County, California.
- 1999 AD - Orange Juice is the unanimous decision by all lists compiled to be the coolest thing ever, millennia disregarded.
- 2003 AD - George W. Bush invades Iraq, officially to preserve democracy and protect America, though it is widely suspected he just wanted access to Iraq's vast Yummy and Tasty drilling fields.
- 2006 AD- Orange Juice 360 is released, many young thrill seakers skip school to wait in line for it. While waiting, people were impressed by the size of [Darryl Dawkins] fingernails. Orange juice is too yummy for my baby taste buds!!
[edit] Notable Orange Juice Quotes
- "I did not have Juicy relations with that woman, Monica Lewinsky." ~ Richard Nixon
- "One small sip for a man... one giant gulp for mankind." ~ Neil Armstrong
- "I am not an Orange Juice thief. Crook? Would crook sound better? I am not a crook." ~ Bill Clinton
- "The first sign of understanding life is the wish for Orange Juice." ~ Franz Kafka
- "Beer is proof that God exists and wants us to be happy. Wait, did I say beer? I meant to say Orange Juice. I just, haha, saw some guy drinking a beer and must've thought beer when I meant to say Orange Juice. Oh man, I hope that doesn't get misquoted." ~ Benjamin Franklin
- "Orange Juice is dead." ~ Nietzsche
- "Nietzsche is dead." ~ Orange Juice
- "My God! The Dukes are going to corner the entire frozen orange juice market!" ~ Louis Winthorpe III
- "Orange juice is so gay" ~ Oscar Wilde (owner of playgirl magazine)
- "You got orange juice all over my face" ~ Oscar Wilde to Elton John
- "My favorite thing about orange juice is the way it squishes in between your fingers after you give it a rousing dip" ~ Colonel Liver Smith Dopplestooge
- "Let them drink juice!" ~ Marie Antoinette
- "BFFs forever!" ~Orange Geuce
