New Jersey

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about New Jersey.

“Wait a tick. They have a New Jersey now?”

~ Oscar Wilde

“Oh look, what a lovely way to pronounce Jersey”

~ New Jersey on the retarded way everyone else says "Joysee"

“RUN BEFORE YOUR SUCKED INTO THE VOID!”

~ Jon Corzine on New Jersey

Welcome!

New Jersey, referred to as "The Fuck You State". The official motto (said while grabbing crotch) "I don't see anything special with you mooks either.", more commonly known as 'Armpit of America' or the 'Suburb State', was the 3rd state in the United States of America. The unofficial state slogan is "You want a motto, I got your fucking motto right here". The capitol is Trenton otherwise known as Camden Lite Now with 10% less shootings. David Letterman had his orthodontic work performed in New Jersey.

Although unknown to some, vast expanses of New Jersey are rural/ forested. Anyone coming home from down the shore at three A.M. on the back roads knows that if you breakdown, you are screwed, usually within five minutes of breakdown, you will be savagely beaten and then eaten by the native albino midgets. (Not always in that order, mind you.)

[edit] Culture

Created when the Old Jersey also known as Atlantis was cast beneath the sea by the god Poseidon, the City-State of New Jersey is a scientifically formulated mixture of subs, closeted gay men, and rampant Italian Americans best enjoyed while enjoying romance under a full moon listening to David Bowie. Not many are aware of this fact but New Jersey is actually one giant freeway, with numerous exits - it is also considered incredibly rude if you ask a New Jerseyite "which exit?" whenever they inform you that they live in said "city." In some mythologies, Old Jersey is the land of Paradise, the Garden of Alden, even. However, such stories are generally believed only by hopelessly psychotic homeless people who wander the streets of Intercourse, Pennsylvania. See also Avril Lavigne.

Contrary to retarded belief, New Jerseyites call their home Jersey, that's it just Jersey. Only fucking New Yorkers say New Joisey. And it's spelled J-O-I-S-E-Y not J-O-Y-S-E-E, because if you're gonna be fuckin' mook at least be a proper mook, and learn the rules of proper Jersey grammar and spelling.

New Jersey is much cleaner than most other states due to the fact that the suburbs channel their waste into Atlantic City, Trenton, Newark, Jersey City, Camden and Asbury Park- and their surrounding waterways(see Passaic River). ^[1]

In order to live in New Jersey one must be at least one of the following; Italian, German, Jewish, Irish, Asian, Latino, Black or Catholic - exception: Indians may live in central Jersey only. If you meet none of these standards then you are to be whacked. New Jersey has a curiosity called the Jewtalian - Italian girls who could pass for a Semite and who act Jewish. (Jewtalians are also deathly afraid of bears) When Jewtalians travel to other parts of the United States, they are almost always mistaken for Jews. Many Jewtalians, who average 4.5 feet tall, can be seen arriving at the Short Hills Mall in cream colored Cadillac Escalades. All Jersey residents hate New Yorkers, because they ordered the whacking of Oscar Wilde.

Another little known fact is that all people from New Jersey know where Jimmy Hoffa is, who killed Kennedy, where to get a good meal at three in the morning, and where to get drugs. New Jersey is divided into the north and the south. The North is the land of pollution and crime and the south is farms, Wawas, the shore, and a dumping spot for corpses. All people in New Jersey live in fear of three things; the mafia, the Jersey Devil, and car insurance. South Jersey people also know how Mexicans fit twenty people into the front cab of a truck, because they have done it with them. New Jersey residents also have been to every business shown on the Sopranos. The only way New Jersey residents are able to survive the taxes is through their Mafia connections.

Moreover, it is important to mispronounce certain words : water as "wudder", garbage as "garbitch", etc. You also are required to live within one half-hour of a mall, within .5 minutes of a Wawa (in south Jersey), and within 500 yards of two Dunkin' Donuts locations. The number of Dunkin' Donuts franchises was required to provide sustenance for the largest police population of any of the United States. However New Jerseyites agree that Wawas are substantially better than Dunkin' Donuts.

New Jersey is America's pioneering state in residential equality. To establish a proper balance between the age old city vs country rivalry, the New Jersey government has created a law that allows only two types of settlements in the state: dull extensive suburbs and ghetto hell hole cities (ex. Newark, Jersey City, Camden, Paterson and any other settlement that does not qualify as a dull overpriced suburb). The genius of the law is that both types of settlements suck equally, so no one feels jipped. The law also makes "grass is greener on the side of the fence" an outdated statement in New Jersey, since on the suburban side there is nothing but grass (and highways), while grass in cities is strictly prohibited (unless it's hippie grass).

[edit] New New Jersey

New Jersey after a frontal lobotomy.

A number of New Jerseyites have begun to edit the borders of the state to make it a much nicer place. In other words, most of the state has disowned the rest. This is largely due to the fact that no true New Jerseyite will ever take the blame for anything he/she might or might not have done. By denying certain parts of the state the right to be a part of the state, New Jerseyites can honestly blame everything on New York and Pennsylvania.

Aspects of the border revisions:

• Cities such as Jersey City, Patterson, Newark, and Asbury Park (as well as their co-responding oil refineries) have been moved to New York. Since people from such cities are generally assholes, it makes sense to move them in with the assholes from New York City.

• Camden has been moved to Pennsylvania and is now considered Philadelphia's mess.

• The Delaware Bay is now completely New Jersey's since Delaware isn't using it.

• The nice parts of Northeastern Pennsylvania has been assimilated by the New Jersey's Appalachian Mountains to keep it away from the Amish and their horse-drawn carriages.

[edit] History

see also: History of New Jersey

New Jersey was originally settled by Dutch who found real estate prices too high in New Amsterdam (now Manhattan, New York City), a condition that exists to this day, mostly because of the extreme violence by Russians and Americans who still think the Cold War is hot news and hate pasta patties. The settlers quickly cut down much of the forest land in New Jersey, giving rise to North America's first shoe industry. The deforested areas were then sown with tulips.

This was all brought to a rapid halt by the British, who took over all of what ultimately became the United States and Canada. New Jersey was given its current name and was made the Royal Colony because the British Army and colonial governors knew that no royalty would ever cross the pond and see the smelly swamps that ultimately earned New Jersey its reputation as the armpit of America.

New Jersey became most famous during the American Revolution, when it became the favorite retreat route for George Washington and his forces. Washington established headquarters in a few towns in New Jersey, the most famous of which was in what is now Morristown. He stayed in New Jersey until he retreated across the Delaware River to Pennsylvania, where he and his troops spent an infamous winter at Valley Forge before he found his second wind.

As one of the United States, New Jersey excelled in converting useless real estate into shopping malls and sports complexes. Notably, the shopping mall was both invented and refined in New Jersey. The town of Paramus, in northern New Jersey, became the world capital of shopping malls. New Jersey has also gained fame as where Thomas Alva Edison invented the light bill and, more recently, where "The Algorithm(TM)" was invented.

As real estate prices skyrocketed in New York City, New Jersey became the most densely populated state in the U.S. There are so many towns with invisible town lines in New Jersey, it was necessary to build the Garden State Parkway, running the entire length of the state, with exit numbers mile-indexed for the distance from Cape May, its southern-most point. This gave rise to the state's unofficial motto, "How ya doin'? What's your exit?" because, in most cases, nobody ever heard of your town.

[edit] Government Of New Jersey

• New Jersey is run by the Italian mafia.

New Jersey crapping out due to government dysfunction.

• The New Jersey government is known for being incredibly corrupt. This has been a trend ever since Satan was elected as governor of the state in 1917 when he claimed that his opponent, Jesus, had once been issued the death penalty due to a recorded criminal record.
• Today, the members of the New Jersey State Senate eat at least 5 New Yorkers a day, and the Governor generally eats at least 7, though one day he once ate 24 in one sitting, fulfilling a dare in a childish attempt to impress his wife, Mike Jones.
• "In all honesty the government is run by the Mafia." Actual Resident testimony. Unfortunately the resident and the reporter went "missing" shortly after.
• Every city in NJ is not allowed to have more than 1 square mile due to the royal division made between 1753 and 1823 with the lower royalty from the UK.
• The New Jersey House of Representatives consists of 35% New Yorkers, 15% Tiki Barber, and 50% Italian.

[edit] No Left Turns

• As of 1991, performing a left turn in an automobile at any given moment in New Jersey is prohibited, punishable by eighteen consecutive life sentences, being sent back in time 2 weeks by way of the Turnpike, and a make-over involving really, really big hair. The cars in New Jersey protested this law, and Queen Kristey of Whitman , the local demon, jacked up car insurance rates and named a rest stop on the Garden State Parkway after Howard Stern in revenge. This is why auto insurance in New Jersey is so high.
• Right turns are recommended with extreme caution. That is assuming you've acquired your license to make right turns.
• U-turns are also discouraged.
• To accommodate the need to actually turn left or reverse direction, New Jersey invented what is called "the jug-handle left", where you turn right to make the equivalent of a left turn or a u-turn.
• Due to the New Jersey Driver's Convention of 2009, Driving backwards through traffic is okay, while multitasking while going 75 mph on the Garden State Parkway is suggested.
• Traffic rules are determined by the government, in concert with local police and auto insurance companies. New Jersey State Troopers have the state-of-the-art laser speed guns, donated by the insurance companies "to promote safety" (actually to promote insurance premiums), along with ticket quota attainment and the highest insurance rates in the country.
• A plan was announced in early 2008 by New Jersey's governor to raise the tolls on the New Jersey Turnpike and the Garden State Parkway (as in "How ya doin'? What's your exit?") by 50% every three years. When asked why he was proposing this, he replied, "Because I f**kin' can. Whatcha gonna do about it, Doofus?" (Editor's note: "Doofus" is a local way of addressing another person, implying a deficit of intelligence. In New Jersey, only the extremely powerful can call other people "Doofus" and not end up in a swamp, or the foundation of a new sports stadium or shopping mall.)

[edit] Geography

New Jersey occupies Staten Island, The Bronx, Brooklyn, Queens, Nova Scotia, The Delaware Bay, parts of New England, Canada, India, Papua New Guinea, Australia, Ethiopia, Finland, the Falkland Islands (for strategic sheep purposes) and Greenland. It is heavily populated by assholes and sexy ladies, who are sometimes both at the same time. In 2006, North Korea attempted to conquer New Jersey by means of break dancing competitions between Kim Jong-Il and ex-governor "Thweet" Jim McGreevey. McGreevey, a secret master of the move known as the "tear-dropping thunderbolt fister" quickly put Jong-Il in his place. Shortly thereafter, Jong-Il was made to wear lipstick and force fed Italian hoagies. McGreevey reportedly screamed, "No! It's a sub!"

It is possible to set your GPS to find Newark, New Jersy by smell. However, once you get into Newark this function becomes completely useless, as the entire place has the same smell of burning rubber. At this point, the normal reaction is to take a deep breath and say "Ah! Industrialism! It reminds me of Soviet Russia!"

[edit] Entertainment In New Jersey

New Jersey has a rich culture in the arts, including but not limited to strip clubs inhabited by middle aged strippers and men in trucker hats, and has been the birthplace of such hit motion picture masterpieces such as "Jersey Girl" and "Gigli".

Amongst the things to do in New Jersey:

• Engage in self-loathing and general misanthropy
• Go to the mall
• Have your job given to somebody in Singapore
• Sit in traffic
• Swim in the Passaic River(Three in four survive!)
• Attempt to swim against a rip current at the Jersey Shore
• One of the many St. Patrick's day Parades w/alcohol
• Shopping
• Being better than the majority of the country.
• Do many various drugs
• Cruising at the legal speed limit (also known as 50 mph above the legal speed limit)
• Flipping off random people
• Curse your fellow man
• Curse your government
• Curse yourself
• Suicide
• Go "down the shore."
• Pay $4 for a slice of pizza at the shore, and then realize you could've gotten one for $2 down the block
• Get shot
• Go to Camden for drugs and then get shot
• Go to Camden and die instantly (you were shot)
• Tailgating
• Volunteer for the Army
• Go to Nork, or Nyork.
• Pretend to be a New Yorker
• See the sights of Camden, really.
• Various tickets for made up driving offenses
• Watch youth soccer
• Dream of better places
• Create cults about dead people
• Eat
• The "Is this Governor secretly gay too" game
• Get harassed by drugged up girls at Wawa (South Jersey only)
• Ride the Riverline, the slowest public transit in the entire universe
• Dress yourself all in one solid color (usually red or blue) and walk around Newark or Camden, now with added Trenton
• Pay 20% - 30% more for cigarettes than neighboring states, and then not be allowed to smoke them indoors.
• Watch any of the hundreds of absolutely pointless road construction projects unfold.
• Enjoy a traffic light density 3,000,000% above the national average.
• Enjoy red lights while no cars pass for 5-10 minutes.
• Free asshole service (everyone's an asshole for no charge)
• Get your gas pumped for you in Pennsylvania
• Go to Rahway State Prison for J-walking
• Pay tolls
• Go to various hardcore metal shows with high school kids wearing fitted hats.
• Make a left turn using a jug-handle
• Circles in the road... that magically turn into triangles... which amazingly are harder to navigate than the circle.
• Making U turns on Route 22... remember left turns are prohibited.
• Dining at one of the 3 remaining White Castles in the entire universe.
• Order "Coiffee".
• Dump bodies in the Hudson.
• Nothing.

[edit] Places in New Jersey

• ... Bagel Shops.
• One of the many of Eddie Murphy's houses (hooray).
• Seaside Heights... aka, "The One-Boardwalk And Thats All Place."
• Wildwood
• For savvy New York car owners: gas stations
• White Castle
• A nuclear power plant in a swamp
• Atlantic City
• Camden aka "Most Dangerous City in the United States of America."
• Montclair and the iris root museum.
• Barnegat (Home of the Barnegutters)
• Wawa
• Doldrums (Lacey Township)
• The Gates of Hell
• Shit Creek (don't go without a paddle)
• Moorestown aka, "Lots of Rich Jews."
• Newark aka, "Largest drug port in the United States."
• Elizabeth aka, E-Town What What!
• Los Chiyorkphigo
• Leonardo
• Sea Bright - "When you don't want to drive to Hoboken just to get laid."
• The Sunken Ruins of Old Jersey
• South Jersey (not related)
• The Jersey Turnpike... aka, "The best place to get laid."
• North Caldwell, which gets into endless fights with the town of Your Mom.
• The College of New Jeresey
• The Gates of Hell (Camden City Hall)
• Fair Lawn (The ultimate in suburban living)
• Route 130... a place for hookers, strip clubs and black people who want to shoot you because you are white.
• Suburbs that want to be just like Philadelphia when they grow up.
• Parsippany - Full of fun after getting to it off of 5 highways. Surrounded by Asians and Indians. Not much else.
• Sussex County(not to be mistaken with nearby Sussex)
• Toms River - Formerly known as Dover Township. Well known stomping ground for really white wannabe gangstas (Wiggas). The majority of 50 Cent's revenue comes from the sale of the G-Unit clothing line in Toms River.
• Manalapan where everybody wants to be a guido, or guidette. Kids starting from age 10 go clubbing and get wasted, and then do it all over again the next day.
• Quick Stop Convenience and RST Video - whooptee shit they were in movie called Clerks
• Take Jersey's Killer Route 1/9 highway.
• Parking lots (Everywhere else).
• Every other Wawa
• Highway to Hell also known as the New Jersey Turnpike
• The State of Rutgers also known as Hunterdon County.

[edit] Sports Teams in New Jersey

According to Weird Al Yankovic, Jersey does not sucks.

New Jersey lost all of its sports teams to the non-existent New York, which it then invaded and concerned in revenge. Thusly, the only sports team you will find in New Jersey is the New Jersey Turnpikers.

Contrary previous research, but it was discovered that there are two NFLTeams in New Jersey, they are simply ashamed of their New Jerseyness and call themselves The New York Giants and Jets

Coached by living legend Terry Shea, the New Jersey Turnpikers play right in the middle of exit 14 and 15W, right where that awful stench keeps happ'nin.

There is a debate over the creation of a Cursing Team.

[edit] Famous People and Indigenous Flora and Fauna from New Jersey

• New Jersey is home to several species of tree.
• The Jersey Devil, who terrorizes small children and fish in return for lowered car insurance and free fares on the turnpike.
• New Jersey is also home to many musicians and people who pretend to be musicians, such as Bruce Springsteen, who despite all his riches still writes songs and the tireless pedophile rights group and advocates for man-boy love and large hair, Bon Jovi. Les Claypool isn't from NJ but my mom thinks he is.
• Bruce Willis, long rumored to possibly be some kind of actor, also hails from Hoboken, New Jersey, known for his roles in countless motion pictures where he expertly and tirelessly plays the same one anti-hero bad-ass character over and over again and refuses to shave more than once a week.
• Bon Jovi
• The late Malcolm Forbes, known in the USSR as "Capitalist Tool". A cool old guy who published a magazine (coincidentally called "Forbes") and collected motorcycles and toy soldiers.
• Steven Forbes, son of Malcolm Forbes, childhood friend of Christie Whitman and once presidential candidate who ran on the platform of a "flat income tax". No doubt, this idea sprung from the New Jersey taxes, which flatten its residents.
• Nobody editing this wiki gives a shit about Frank Sinatra, who intentionally never went back to visit his native Hoboken. The schmucks who live there worship him still.
• Gerard Way, Mikey Way, Frank Iero and Ray Toro, better known as My Chemical Romance. Recently a law was passed to shoot them on sight if they attempt to re-enter.
• Um, don't forget Meryl Streep.
• On second thought, yes, please forget Meryl Streep.
• Hey we got Jon Stewart too (whose real name is Jonathan Leibowitz (yep, another leftwing Jew in the entertainment business - go figure).
• Believe it or not, the Angry Nintendo Nerd is from New Jersey.
• The Jonas Brother; Yes, I'm talking about those "teen sensations" that play bubble pop music.
• Kevin Smith, the geek movie god, although he was from Central Jersey, which both North and South Jersey agree, doesn't really exist.
• Jersey is home to the only Hoagie-bearing tree, just outside of Menlo Park Mall.

[edit] Famous people from New Jersey who are to be whacked

The following list of people have embarrassed the state of New Joysee beyond repair. The are no longer allowed to cross the border and come home for any reason. In order to live in New Jersey, One must be one of the following; Italian, German, Jewish, Irish, Polish, Hispanic,or Catholic. If you meet none of these standards, then you are to be whacked or sent to a nursing home, of which we have many.

• Danny DeVito
• Joe Pesce
• Martha Stewart
• "Thweet" James McGreevey
• Bruce Bedspring
• Joe Piscopo
• Kevin Spacey
• Jack Nicholson
• Dionne Warwick
• Jerry Lewis
• Shaquille O'Neal
• Meatwad
• Whitney Houston
• Judy Blume
• The Menendez Brothers
• Nathan Lane
• The Sopranos
• Don Stracci
• Ashley Tisdale
• Jonas Brothers

[edit] Roads in New Jersey

• Route 17 and Route 4, The intersection of the two has birthed a colossal tumor better know as The Garden State Mall which consumes about 100 square feet of land per week efficiently converting it into parking space for itself.
• Route 206, also known as the road that is always backed up, is a popular favorite. Come and sit in traffic and marvel at how congested the road is! This congestion is particularly entertaining in light of the fact that this road leads absolutely nowhere one might wish to go.
• Route 80, the road that goes all the way to California. Always backed up in the direction you are going in only. The other side is magically free of traffic.
• Route 287 is another popular road. However, this road goes nowhere and does little of interest, so ignore it please. It was New Jersey's entry in the "Most Comical Route Around New York City" contest, and lost narrowly to New York's Gowanus Expressway, which had an unfair advantage due to the fact that it was designed by gorillas on angel dust.
• Interstate 95 is a road that defies all logic in Jersey. Notice the mile numbers. Notice how they randomly go up and down. Notice how if you are on I-95 North, somehow you end up on I-295 south and if you are on I-95 South you end up on I-295 North? If it isn't clear by now, I-95 in New Joysee was planned out by Hitler. Also in on the Route 295 Conspiracy is Route 130, which randomly joins with Route 295 in the southern area to try to have a four-way orgy with Route 40 and the Jersey Turnpike at the Delaware Memorial Bridge.
• Interstate 195 is the road that leads to Six Flags Great Adventure. It is clogged with soccer moms in the summer and mechanics in the winter. It's also a good place to play "Spot the out-of towner!". As the road also leads to the alleged state capital, Trenton, it is a popular place for state troopers to show that they are doing their jobs by apprehending every motorist who is more than 1/8 Black.
• County Road 537 is the road that runs from Six Flags into Freehold and links up with Interstate 195. It was strategically made to force visitors to spend money in New Jersey outside of the park. Fines for right turns are tripled in the Six Flags area. Left turns, are, as usual, punishable by 18 consecutive life sentences.
• Route 23 goes into New York. Literally the only highway with nothing on it. Let's just avoid Route 23.
• Route 22 must be seen to be believed. It is actually a drive-thru mega mall and boasts the highest daily accident rate of any road in the country. Also, a good road on which to hotbox while driving to Melody, Pennsylvania to buy relatively cheap cartons of cigarettes... or in the either direction towards...
• Route 46 the superhighway with a traffic light every 50 yards.
• Route 1/9 and the ensuing Pulaski Skyway, the central vein of the armpit, deep within the 'Joisey Smell' zone proper. This will bring you quickly within sight of the signs for the Holland Tunnel, where you will sit in traffic for exactly long enough to miss whatever it was for which you wanted to enter New York/escape Joisey. It's generally a good idea to bring along some food, water, and a container suitable for the deposit and storage of bodily waste, when one is daring enough to try this route. Route 9 is also a really good road to get killed on, if you plan on dying in an automobile wreck in New Jersey, which is the official state past time. Mercifully, the road is remarkably free of roadkill, as the fumes from the traffic have asphyxiated any living thing along this route many years ago.
• Route 666 goes through the Pine barrens. An area which if lost you could go for days without encountering a single sign of human life, drive past the gates of hell, and be killed by the Jersey Devil.
• Route 40 is known for constantly being in construction when it never really needed it in the first place. Why they felt the need to make it wider will forever be a mystery. The constant construction is attributed to the workers ripping up the roads and then get whacked before they are able to complete the job. The "Sharptown Mall" or "CowTown Rodeo and Flea Market" is also located along the route in one of the few places still known as Hicktown, NJ.
• Route 90 is also known as the "humongous road to nowhere", as it leads from the bustling metropolis of Maple Shade to the phenomenally underused Betsy Ross Bridge, which takes one to Northeast Philadelphia, which is currently in a three-way tie with Camden, NJ and Gary, Indiana for the coveted title of, "fewest teeth per resident." Route 90 is composed of six to eight lanes of rubble-strewn concrete with a center divider. The purpose of the divider is to prevent deer, who are the major users of the road, from colliding with the occasional out-of-state motorist who has gotten lost trying to find the turnpike and is unfortunate enough to find his or herself on this highway. The road was also an attempt by the state to win the "Biggest Waste of Tax Dollars" contest, and found itself in third place behind Florida's "Gem Encrusted Pay Toilets" and Arkansas' "Solid Gold Manhole Covers".
• Route 73 contains one of the more amusing circles in New Jersey lore, known as the Marlton Circle. Many years ago, New Jersey's founding fathers drank a whole lot of corn liquor and invented the traffic circle. Later, soberer administrations decided that the circles were not the way to go, and bulldozed the living hell out of them and replaced them with humongous intersections where left turns are not allowed. Or are allowed, depending on the circle and the level of drinker's remorse the legislature had been feeling that day. Anyhow, when the Marlton Circle's turn came, the powers that be had apparently fallen off the wagon, for rather than replace the circle with a normal, or even Jersey-style incomprehensible intersection, they decided to run (why not?!) Route 73 straight through the circle. Now, rather than a traffic circle, the Marlton Circle resembles the Oldsmobile Logo. The powers that be, after sobering up, realized that they had given an unfair advantage in New Jersey's competitive driving environment to Oldsmobile owners, and drew up plans to replace the circle with a more neutral concept such as the Golden Arches.
• Route 42 has a freeway section that is meticulously kept to the same maintenance standards as the surface of the moon. You will never see it, however, as for some inexplicable reason, it is just about impossible to re-enter the highway once you have exited it. Just about every road that has an interchange with this freeway will allow you to exit OR enter, but if you want to do both, you are jolly well screwed. An uncyclopedian who has spent his whole life living less than ten minutes from this abomination once tried to find a way to get on the highway. His efforts were unsuccessful and he had to slink home cursing his government (see things to do in New Jersey). The government's theory apparently was that "Wherever you might wish to go, you're already there!" This philosophy was reinforced when the state decided to render 295 North inaccessible from Rt. 42, thus leading to the slogan, "It's either there, or Delaware!" for if you wish to go anywhere else, you are once again jolly well screwed. This road is also in on the Route 295 Conspiracy (see Interstate 95, above) in that motorists wishing to access Rt. 42 must engage in a series of preposterously dangerous curving, weaving, and merging movements. This feature is intended to drum up business for the Camden/Gloucester county auto body shops, replacing the previous program which involved taking sledgehammers to parked vehicles.
• Route 21 is a government test site where, every night, the Department of Public Works secretly drills new potholes into the road, and observes the results of the following day's traffic to determine if funding can be cut on pothole repair; it is also known as "the highway the law forgot" because you can do at least 105 mph while never being afraid of being pulled over for speeding. Accordingly you may have to drift your car from lane to lane while accommodating the unusual turns the highway makes North of Newark, this is not only acceptable but encouraged and anticipated by other drivers.
• Route 37 Where every ass with '92 Civic and a loud exhaust wants to race you. These jerks all seem to congregate at any Wawa in the Toms River area. It is well known that they come predominately from the Lacey, Barnegat, Bayville, and Ocean Gate area.
• Route 72 is a highway that starts out as a two-lane road, then turns into a traffic-choked highway surrounded by shopping centers and car dealers, and then ands as an even more congested shore road filled with Bennys and people from North Jersey.
• Route 9 a.k.a. the "Highway to Hell", the head honcho of all New jersey highways. It starts out in New York, then Route 1-9, then an oversized highway with too many lights. You have to watch out for the asshole buses because they love to merge into you for the joy of it. Once in south Jersey, it is lined with Large Champagne bottles, plastic dinosaurs, homes topped with chairs, and even more large champagne bottles where it then is turned into the Cape May - Lewes Ferry to Delaware.
• Route 35 This is a road for the record books. It is a ton of fun, you can get gas, and there are plenty of jews. They have infested the area.

[edit] The Orange Theorem

Jersey is surrounded by a thick layer of shitty and crappy cities which protect a beautiful, lush, over-taxed middle. This is proved by the Oranges located in North Eastern New Jewsy.

[edit] State Salute

Raise the middle finger of your left hand while pretending to drive with your right.

[edit] Important Facts

• A native New Jerseyan can find their way back to Jersey from anywhere in the world just by sense of smell.

• Less than 12% of New Jersey is currently on fire.

• Whadyacall a dyke dinosaur in Jersey? Lickalottapuss.

• Jersey Girls are NOT trash... trash gets picked up

• Jersey Girls never, ever, pump gas.

• The historic documentary Megas XLR is based upon events that mostly happened in New Jersey.

[edit] New Jersey Translations

• Down the Shore: Go to the beach. Note the absence of the word "to".
• Wooder: Water
• Wuddeva: Whatever
• Benny: Bayonne, Elizabeth, Newark & New York. See also: [[n00b].(Used to describe Jewtalian tourists)
• Web: Week End Bastards (A variation of Bennys)
• The Parkway: The Garden State Parkway
• The Turnpike: The freeway
• Great Adventure: Six Flags
• What exit?: What people say when they find out that someone is from NJ (Used to describe what exit off the Parkway people live near)
• Mook: Loser/Asshole used to describe a foreigner to the state. Similar to the Japanese word "Gaijin", except not at all.
• Cawfee: Coffee
• How ya do'in: Hello
• Jug Handle: Overly complicated traffic thing.

[edit] See Also

• The New Jersey Hoax
• Dirty Fucking Shithole
• Mafia
• Newports
• Jon Bon Jovi
• Wildwood
• My Chemical Romance
• Mental Retardation
• Cocaine
• Italians
• tomatoes
• Hell
• Bloods
• Crips
• Things invented by Italians

[edit] References

1. ↑ This is the constant hollow refrain and unearthly wail of all those condemned who are stuck in the eternal torment of that abyss which is New Jersey." Is the cry of those whom live in cramped NYC apartments, while they are banging some Jersey Girl - easy for any New Yorker with access to a bottle of coconut flavored rum and an FDNY baseball cap.