Nebraska

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“Ne-who-whatta?”

~ Oscar Wilde on Nebraska

“If you don't believe in it, it can't hurt you.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Nebraska

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Nebraska.

Nebraska is full of ~~nothing~~ corn, football fans and has a population smaller than the deserted town of Tokakrapnleft, Nevada. Not even Jesus Christ herself will ever step foot on the holy land. According to Steve Ballmer, it is not available in Nebraska. Hell, even oxygen is scarce here.

[edit] Geography

The ~~main~~ only transportation route in Nebraska is I-80. This marvel of engineering is the first (and only) fully automated highway in the world. Drivers on I-80 can simply activate cruise control. Sensors on the road will keep the car within its lane. This technology allows travelers to drive through the state with minimal discomfort (aside from any discomfort caused by being in Nebraska in the first place).

Also traveling along a west-east trajectory is the Platte River. The Platte River is generally considered to be too thin to plow. It is also too thick to drink.

The rest of the eastern half of the state is covered with corn -- corn which is superior to that of Iowa and the rest of the world. The western half of the state actually does not exist. In 1872, Sterling Morton of Nebraska City had difficulty finding a tree amidst the fields of corn upon which he could hang himself. He decided to establish Arbor Day—an annual day of tree planting. Thanks to Morton’s dream, there are now several dozen trees suitable for hanging located near Valentine.

In addition to being used by Sterling Morton to hang himself, Nebraskans found that the trees are also good for lynching negroes that were not imported to play on their football team as well as a multidude of Mexicans, Gooks, Chinks, Faggots, Tickle-Me-Elmo dolls, and Democrats. The locals found that they were too lazy/stoopid to work in meat-packing plants, so they reduced the number of Spics they would lynch.

[edit] Government

Corn. Fields. More corn.

Oh yeah, and a unicameral system. This is the reason that every table describing state legislatures in Amerika has an asterisk that proclaims:

Nebraska has a unicameral legislature and is elected on a non-partisan basis.

The children of Nebraska spend a couple of extra weeks in school studying this unique form of well-mannered, organized anarchy.

Nebraskans, being a progressive bunch, once elected an angry black man to the Unicameral; after they did so, they vowed never to do it again.

Nebreska was formerly ruled by a duke. The position of Duke of Nebreska is now a solely ceremonial role, which is currently held by Larry the Cable Guy, who voices Mater, from the movie Cars, who lives in Nebraska.

In recent years, Nebraska has been ruled by the Cornhusker Nationalist Party and its Chairman, Herbie the Husker. This party was swept to power after the humiliating defeat of Nebraska at the hands of the Auburn Alliance in the so-called Cotton War. Its ideology focuses on the purity of the Nebraskan cornline and seeks to keep it free of inferior kernels. The party has also sought to expand in the hopes of adding some place of interest to Nebraska and thus initiated an invasion of Iowa, resulting in a brutal war of attrition between the two stuperpowers. Some scholars are baffled by Nebraska's reasons for invading its neighbor; after all, if they wanted to find somewhere fun, why did they invade western Iowa? Nevertheless, the war continues to this day.

Due to the small population of Keith County, NE, by act of the legislature, cattle on the Haythorn Ranch were given the right to vote. The cattle vote was what put both Chuck Hagel and Ben Nelson in the US Senate.

[edit] Economy

Corn. More Corn. Hot Chicks. Totally Awesome People. Football Fans w/ HDTV's no... wait... what was i talking about again? Oh yeah. and wheat.

[edit] Culture

Since all Nebraskans' lives consist of corn and amazing fun, they have to find even more ways to entertain themselves. You may think that they are just a bunch of hicks on some farms that nobody gives a goat's nipple about, their largest city is actually halfway in Iowa! The round bales of hay that are found in many northwest Nebraskan fields contain Podimousteriflouronets, which Nebraskans simply call "pod-people". They come out in the middle of the night and eat the adults that live along the Niobrara River and take the children as captives. Later on, the children that are taken as captives are hollowed out and used as a protective cavity to store their eggs. About five eggs can fit in one ten-year-old. Many Nebraskans do not know of the Podimousteriflouronets' existance, and those who do know of them spend most of their time finding ways to avoid them, usually in Memorial Stadium.

Every spring on O street in Lincoln, there is a celebration known as "The Running of the Fat Chicks." This is were they take 500 of their hottest mamasitas and let them run loose on O street while the local children run for their lives. The surviving children are rewarded when the get home by being corn-holed by their uncle-dad.

Nebraskans believe that nearly everyone on the planet is white and if someone is not white and not black they must be a Mexican. Nebraskans believe that all crime is the result of the blacks and the Mexicans and that they should both be shipped back to where they came from. The University of Nebraska proudly declares that with a student population that is 92.3% white they are 'very diverse'.

[edit] Religion

The official God of Nebraska Tom Osborne. All must bow down to the might of God, er Tom Osborne! Early settlers mixed their seed with that of the Indians, and thus took on some of their customs. One of these customs, the worship of Osbrosis, took on a new form when the white man exterminated the Indians.

The original custom involved carying a young girl across a field to her new husband. She was anointed in sacred oil, and then a lengthy chant was begun as she was paraded across the gulf between virginity and wife-hood. During this process, the girl was wrapped in a leather sheath to symbolize her emergence as a new woman on the other side. After she was delivered to her husband's family, she was examined, and if her virtue was found to be true she was allowed to stay, otherwise she was strapped to a large bison and sent back across the field.

Shown here is the Son of the Holy Tom Osborne

The deity responsible for this ritual was known as Osbrosis, a two headed she-man-bull with the tail of a goat. Osbrosis was a kind god, and well-loved. In an attempt to establish themselves as “god-of-the-indians” the settlers named their children “Osborne”—a mispronunciation of the Gods name. This tradition continues to this day.

In addition to Huskerism almost all Nebraskans follow the Republican theology with strict fundamentalism. All boys are required to own a shotgun by the age of 9 and if they think a 410 is a shotgun they are put to death because their dad thinks they have 'gone queer' and Jesus won't love the family anymore.

[edit] Tourism

In Nebraska, we got corn. We got corn in Nebraska.

See our wonderful fields! In them, we grow corn! In Nebraska, we got corn. We got corn in Nebraska! And Iowa's corn SUCKS!!

And tourists love Nebraska. Tourists love corn! Plus there's the fact that every Saturday, there is a whole bunch of excitement! If you even try to go into a Buffalo Wild Wings, the Nebraskans will be on you like a girl to Brad Pitt! They will take you into the kitchen, chop you up, cook you, add sauces, and serve you as buffalo wings while they watch the game on a High Definition TV they only turn on on Saturday's.

Nebraska is also home to one of the most stunning pieces of terrain in the Universe—the Archway Monument, which erupts from the plains near Kearney and completes a nice little span of Interstate 80 before diving back into the bowels of the Earth whence it came. No one is quite sure what the device does, but it may be some variant of Stargate.

[edit] Nebraskan superiority

Nebraska also has cattle that eat some of the corn and are edible in turn. This alone makes Nebraska more interesting than South Dakota. CORN! FIELDS! CATTLE! The love of corn eating cattle is so great that there are more cows than people in Nebraska!!

In addition to corn eaten by cattle and grown in fields, Nebraskans have combined corn with football. This has proved quite effective, as the Cornhuskers have won 5 National Championships!

Nebraskan IQ's are ten to 15 points higher than those of Iowans, but the validity of that assessment has been questioned due to so many Nebraskans remaining in the state during its notoriously awful winters.

[edit] Population

2,000,000,000 ears of corn.

[edit] Cities Located in Nebraska

The following cites in Nebraska have traffic lights. Please note that traffic lights may have been installed sideways.

Ashland NOTE: Only a blinking 4-way stop light.
Aurora
Bancroft
Beatrice
Bellevue
Central City
Chadron
Columbus
Donovan
Falls City
Fremont
Grand Island - Grand Island is well known for its efforts to place traffic lights on every 1/4 mile of *highway* leading into the town, and none actually in the town.
Hastings
Holdrege
Kimball
Kearney
Lincoln
Memorial Stadium
Nebraska City
Norfolk
North Platte
Ogallala
Omaha
O'Neill
Papillion
Plattsmouth
Rosalie
Scottsbluff
Seward - Also affectionately known as "a great place to dump your trash," Seward boasts an impressive 4 traffic lights.
Valentine - Home to 3 traffic lights and Native Americans high on hairspray begging to be hit with metal lunchpails
Weeping Water - Citizens are currently petitioning for a traffic light to reduce the amount of tractor to tractor collisions on main street.
Wahoo
York

[edit] Famous Nebraskansinians

[edit] True Rumours

Every US citizens is somewhat related to Nebraska.
On entering Nebraska, one is lulled into a state of eternal sleep
Your Mom once lived in Nebraska
One theory states that Nebraska exists only as a state of mind, and the corn is a by product of the lack of imagination found in most Americans
God Loves Nebraskan no matter where they live. So you should claim yourselve as Nebraskan.
Scientists at the University of Nebraska are working on a device which will create the Anti-Nebraska, a giant city interrupted by comically small patches of grass. If Nebraska and Anti-Nebraska ever come into contact, it will certainly bring about the end of the world.