n00b

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“OMG I PWNZR TEH UB3R n00bz. ROFLCOPTER!”

~ Teh 1337ests on n00bz

“OMG DEF NUB!!! I H8S DEF NUBS!!! ”

~ RuneScape Player on being own3d by a pur def lmao in teh duels arena

“ME? LETS LOOK IN A MIRROR.....OMG U N00B!!!!!!!... OH w8t that's me!!! omfg!!!!!”

~ n00b on himself

“In Soviet Russia! n00b pwns YOU!!! ”

~ Russian Reversal on n00bs

So you just joined Uncyclopedia, and you want to write about how stupid the N00bs are right. Um. Think about that for a second.

Since 22 A.D., n00b has been a popular word used to describe an almost indescribable species of failure. This word was invented by Jesus after turning water into wine and healing some genetically modified fat guy. After Jesus realized he had 73h 1337357 5k1ll5 0f d3m 4wl he began to use this word to insult the people around him. It is a conspiracy that Jesus stole the word from his great, great, great, great, great, great, grand father's cousin M0535 73h l337, who was famous for doing something in Egypt, as noted in numerous cartoons. It was said that m0535 73h l337 used this word in his rhymes and lyrics. However, since these lyrics were written on tablets, which were smashed, there is no evidence that he was the founder of the word.

Jesus was found out to be a h4xing bastard (mostly because of his "parting the red sea" cheat-even though that was m0535 but WTF), and was caught by Punkbuster and banned from every streamed server in the world. Therefore Jesus went to heaven, another console, to play with better players, but of course he came back with another copy of the game to scare everyone **censored**less, just to get banned again.

The word n00b has been passed down 3 generation from The Great Pharaoh of Walmart New Mexico, the usual gathering place of all 45 American-Indians left on the face of the planet.

Another theory is that n00b began as "newbie" then became newb then n00b, then finally to n00b, it is predicted that the word will evolve into nub.

[edit] Noob Sex

Noob sex is basically the same as lesbian sex, except they choke on the person's stinking barefeet. They bite of the toes, and then lick the other. Lesbian sex is called " scissoring"

[edit] Cure for N00bism?

The cure for n00bism is believed to be Clag glue, which can be found in many Arts and Crafts stores, office supplies, etc. However, some people have died from simply looking at Clag Glue.

N00bs are facing extinction as the French invasion of 2013 (upcoming) will force a revolution of upper class Weinerness. All N00bs will find themselves in libraries wearing kilts and thick lensed glasses talking to other onceclag assicts about literature and the bird feeces on their 1974 mini coupes.

[edit] Cons

• Afraid of girls more than the end of the world.
• Are usually fatter than your obese uncle.
• Play cyberbabes in games and have sex with cellophane wraps.
• Pretend they're Yoda.
• Eat too much mayo.
• Wear braces bigger than their mouths.
• Wear glasses bigger than their heads.
• Have computers bigger than their mums.
• Daydream they're from the land of Cybertron with 4 terabytes of memory and going out with that girl from Resident evil.
• Will scream at their computer/TV screen until your ears asplode.
• Masturbate till their walls are white and sticky, *ahem*.
• Only exercise they do is wanking(over their keyboards).
• Look at flat-chested girls, and think they're buff.
• Unfortunately.

[edit] Onomatopoeia

A typical player calling another person a n00b on the internet or Xbox LIVE. Look at that face!

In 1337, Runescape was released and the game became instantly popular to what was, at the time, considered "nerds" (or Star Trek fans). This new breed of nerd, through evolution, began communicated through both basic computer programming languages and coordinates similar to that of a Chess board's. Through these two dialects, and a combination of Klingon, "n00b" began. The official meaning means. "Novice or new player"

Although Runescape became the root of the noise, it wasn't until the late 90's and beyond, through such games as StarCraft and Half-Life, that the word began its spread of taint throughout the intarweb. It's not until this level of maturity, which is usually achieved at the age of 12 with a chain mail and mithril sword, that they are fully capable of entering the Champion's Guild and can begin using any of the numerous derivatives of the noise "n00b". N00b is a great word to use for those gamers that just don't cut it.

Other variations include but are not limited to newb, choob, froob, gloob, boob, snood, droob, tube, moob, cube, zippelbongadoob, nub, nublet, nubletier, n00blet, nibbles, nubbles, niblet,nubsicle,Mcf00blet,McCh00blet,Mcn00blet and more recently, such as n00bcake.

[edit] Noun & Adjective

This is the every-day sight for n00bs.

Although its intent is to humiliate and degrade somebody, the word "n00b" sounds like the word penis, and actually implies that the person using the word:

• Has no life, as suggested by the simple fact that they spend countless hours playing particular computer/video-games (World of Warcraft).
• Believes UFOs will come to take them away and probe them (which is the closest thing they can get when it comes to sexual pleasure)
• Thinks that the Federation could destroy the Star Wars Empire.
• Is covered in zits and pops them and is scientifically proven incapable of talking to girls.
• Is constantly heard screaming "I sH007 uR 13G, wHY u N07 d13??"
• Gets pWned constantly by 1337 H4xZoRz in DOTA.
• Likes the same gender and spends all day eating mayonnaise, masturbating, and watching reruns of Star Trek, Power Rangers and plays World of Warcraft for 9 and three quarters of a hour.
• Is losing touch of reality and thinks he's "Darkness", as stated above.
• Is constantly using words which don't even make sense.

Although the word itself can be rightfully used to describe an extremely annoying or stupid player, the above section still stands. Here are some common conceptions and facts about what nerds call, "n00bs":

• Scientists conjecture that the common n00b phrase "Hael me plz!!1" is the closest thing n00bs possess to a battle cry. Some other common n00b phrases in MMORPGOMGLOLWTFBBQs are "giv me 1g". When the n00b gets owned they tend to utter phrases such as "im going to get ma dad to come round and shoot you if you do not give me money" and the common classic for Guild Whores

• "hahaha i am the CS: Source champion of the US". Replace US with server country and CS: Source with 'FPS that has nothing to do with RPGs'.
• Many L33T players agree that most n00bs' CAPS LOCK keys are permanently stuck in the down position at birth.
• n00bs are also incapable of using the letter !, and are known to break out into a frenzy of 1s, or if in particular danger/pleasure/general confusion the random extension of 2s and even the ever-controversial " (speechmark) (the forever controversial invention of 1881). This may, however, be secret binary code sent to other n00bs, but that would just be silly. If so, the n00bs' mastery of ineptitude would most likely render both the encoding and decryption flawed, and the already incoherent messages they send would become even more difficult to understand.
• The term is commonly confused with n00b, nub, and also q00u. This is a misconception, because, although n00bs are identical in every imaginable way to newbs, n00bs, and q00us, in reality each belongs to a different phylum in taxonomic classification. n00bs are more closely related to the common chocolate biscuit than to n00bs, or q00us.

Learning, maturity, age and intelligence are inversely proportional to one's propensity to call someone a "n00b". The younger and stupider you become, the more likely you are to call someone a "n00b" or a "fugly slit111". And no, young people are not entitled to use the internet as much as older people. This is because we are simply better than you, and always will be. Clearly, because you are "n00bs" at life, to use your own weird logic.

Source: N00b wankz R3s3arch ggr0up

[edit] Profiling n00bs

An easy and effective way to verify if someone is a n00b is to pay attention to the n00b-standardizer kind of phrase written usually after they just got pwned in any random match (but -see below- watch out for the neuron-degrading content of such messages, or you will be caught by that thing called pity and become a n00b too). Usually this phrase takes the form of "How much time it have that you play this game?", which is a proposition presupposing that IF they work hard they can play as marvelously as the pros (in their dreams and just in their dreams, of course) or survive for more 0.25 seconds after playing the respective game after a certain period of time, would say, of about three hundred and sixty-five days (what is exactly what happens in the reality).

[edit] Dealing with n00bs

n00bs are the primary cause for decline in online pop culture

Under no circumstances should you ever talk to a n00b. They are highly dangerous and the communication can be fatal. If you DO get in a direct conflict with a n00b, it is best to use one of the following tactics explained below.

• HOWEVER* In some cases, n00bs can be there to laugh at and pick on while you get your enjoyment out of making them cry. REMEMBER: n00bs have a right to be shunned and laughed at among the whole gaming community.

n00bs are often confused on internet games with deranged, semi-conscious, amputated llamas with little brain matter, because of the similarity in their gameplay abilities. In the event of an encounter with a n00b, one should take the following precautions:

1. Turn off chat to prevent grammatically incorrect language overloads.
2. If you cannot disable chat, turn off your computer immediately and curl up on the floor in a brace position. Do not contact relatives as n00biness is contagious and can spread to your loved ones.

[edit] Other Methods

The most primitive way to deal with a n00b is to smash their skull in with a large object. The best object to use would be their computer (this has extra effect as it calls up lots of emotion before their death, and a n00b with emotion is a rare sight). While they often inadvertently do get to do this to themselves by running into concrete walls, it still proves to be an effective method of n00b destruction as it leads to Dorkiness syndrome(except that they did start out as morons). Another very effective way to deal with n00bs is to use a purple twinkie.

Remember n00bs, regardless of their constant training, are totally inept at the usage of 1337. Whenever attempts to converse with n00bs are made using 1337 it will cause their small brains to blow and ooze out their ears. n00bs that are exposed to such verbal pwnage for prolonged periods will eventually die.

Note: There are currently "refer to runescape total accounts number" n00bs in captivity at the San Diego Zoo.

[edit] Foreign N00bs

When, on the rare occasion that they acquire a PC, some Mexicans have found a way to hook up to the intarwebs. They can often be spotted by their native bastardization of n00berisms. For example, "We are n00bs" would be "nosotros somos n00blamos", and so on. Also, they often times feel it necessary to insert their dialects into text-based communication, and will be prompted to place a G at the end of words that end in an and on.

Asian players are often times prompted to use internet translators to communicate with other English speaking players, resulting in a butchered version of Engrish. Common phrases that are used include "I am lag!" and "We roll on item now". Why these people even bother is still unknown, seeing as any attempt at communication results in ninja-looting the Sacred Charge from my Warrior.

Americans are by far the worst. These people constantly lag and can't spell words like "you", "A", "I", "Colour" or "potato". Many often find their ways onto overseas servers causing chaos and disrupting the general happiness of the server, then question why they got booted.

Europeans are especially troublesome, with the french speaking nations causing the most aggrovation. Its almost like they have just learnt to speak and use voice com at the same time!!! The result is a terrifyingly noisy display of what sounds like the French language spoken underwater with a sock down their throat. The most established defence to this sort of n00b-strike is a hearty "STFU n00b, have you just learnt to talk???!one1". They never shut up

Recent studies show that the majority of n00bs found these days are often extremely timid. As such, an effective means of removing a n00b is to send him to a shock site. You shall most likely never see him again unless you are in the neighbourhood of the local insane asylum.

[edit] There is life beyond n00bness?

Despite the seriousness of the issue (a true matter of National Security), as well as the potential interest of any nation that aspires to prosper strategically in the near future in various areas of the knowledge, the topic "n00bs: what to do with'em ???" has in a certain way been evaded, maybe due to the intrinsecal implications of this cursed theme, among which the most important is perhaps the fact that this illness VIRTUALLY cannot be overcome, characteristically an inborn inheritance (this fact isn't proved, yet, but if you consider that a true n00b never improves its way of playing a game, maybe this assumption proceeds, in opposition to the simple 'state-of-being-a-begginer'). Being a byproduct of an ancient spell cast upon N00b Saibot, the N00bnificent, articulated in part due to a "n00b's luck movement" (don't mistake with the lesser shameful "begginer's luck" concept, because, by all means and measures, it's a new dimension of how to act dumbnessly yet luckily --the pros of the whole world know precisely what it means--) performed by him and in part because after all he is the 'king of all n00bs' and deserve to be cursed, this curse continues through the generations and show no signs of weakening, on the very contrary. Plus, with the rampant overpopulation of the contemporaneity, the reach of such unspeakably disastrous catastrophe (for the non-n00bs,also an endless boredom) covers the whole world and represents a quite serious threat to the future of the mankind (the day of the Great Dolphin Upheaval seems to be near). Interestingly enough, this recent state-of-things resembles the sayings of a somewhat obscure and forgotten [[Holly before of his 'limbo-like suspension', in which is said that by December 31, 2012 all the most deplorable integrants of the unsacred offspring of this n00bloodline will receive the redemption and reach the N00birvana, free of charge, a place where there's no one that can beat them, where everyone is the same, without the minimum difference between this n00b here by your side and that n00b over there. So says the prophecy.

Thats a boob, stupid

[edit] n00b speek

As many poor souls unfortunate enough to ever meet a n00b would have realized, n00bs have a very low grasp of the English language (yes,it is true,your mom is a n00b) and often use the excuses " my bad inglish be ecscused pl0x" or "me Dutch,ROAR" or other quotes further empthasizing that they are a n00b.1337 is also a major part of their vocabulary. E.g. (w00t, me 0wnzz 411 1010ll!!!1!1!111!!1. n00bs are pathologically required to speak this way, and if you do not like it, "u dnt hve 2 red ti". There is currently no known way to translate n00b speek. Computer Scientist theorize if it is ever possible to translate by machines, the algorithm lay inside EXPTIME and EXPSPACE, a fancy way to say it require Asian sweatshops to work for 900 light years.

Also some very common grammar errors occur like I R own you. Many n00bs usually bitch and whine like a 9 month old pregnant woman and complain that you are glitching or haxing.

[edit] How to easily ward off an attacking n00b

Beware of using too much correct grammar and punctuation, on account of the fact that it disturbs the n00bs habitat. When agitated, the nOOb will become aggressive. Granted, all they can do is flip-a-bitch and pitch a fit, however these actions are often annoying enough to warrant some form of warding technique. All you have to do to destroy a noob is say something smart. When I say smart I don't mean smart-compared-to-average-people-standards smart, I mean smart-compared-to-cornbread smart. If you can successfully utter the phrase "I like the color green because it is the color green" you will likely overload the nOObs "smart capacity." This will not kill him, however it will instantaneously castrate him/her. If the nOOb already has children, the children will transmutate into cardboard boxes and be shipped to Manhattan for a hobo to sleep in. So please be safe and keep our streets nOOb-free.

[edit] mostly all n00bs are bad

“Although very surprising, not all n00bs are bad. Such ones would include behavior as being obedient to tactful requests to cease from doing something that's well, n00bish. Also, if you Really want the n00b population to die down, try giving them a bit of training. Then they actually have a chance of not being so, well, n00by. Unless you feed them potato, then they will spam you with the phrase " OMG I R VEGAN I DNT ET ANYTHN UNLSS I GT NO ANIMALZ IN ET!" If this happens you should say "Oh no, (s)he killed cappy-locks."”

~ N00b pleading with the administration in order to wuss out of a pwning.

[edit] Danger!

If you are ever caught in the situation where a n00b is about to go on a nonsensical n00b rampage because you sniped him in his n00b head with a M21, R700, or other pwning sniper, the only way to escape certain death is to exit the session. Unlike most inferior species, n00bs will often scream into their mics, unwilling to accept their n00biness, and talk about what a n00b you are, all the while killing whatever brain cells are left in your head from the last n00b attack that you unwillingly suffered while enjoying a nice game of Halo or COD. Symptoms of a n00b attack include prolonged loss of hearing in your right or left ear (possibly both), serious thoughts of suicide do to the n00b epidemic running rampant through the world, and possibly diabetes type 2. If quitting just isn't an option for you, you can always just unplug your mic, but even then, you have the chance of your TV speakers being blown out too. Well, I'd say your screwed either way. Sorry.

[edit] See also

• You
• I'm In Your Base Killin' Your Dudes
• The bitch who made this page
• Online game players
• LOLers
• The Society for Protection Of Noobs