Math
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“Math, my dear boy, is nothing more than the lesbian sister of biology.”
~ Family Guy on Math
“Just copy the back”
~ Smart People on Math
“In Soviet Russia, MATH SOLVES YOU!!!”
~ Russian Reversal on Math
Math is the hideously complex theory that if two bits are one way, the other bits will be another way. Except for when there are three bits, or five bits, in which case they will be a completely different way. Erroneously, some dumb people believe that mathematics is the study of patterns and that it's the backbone for many sciences. Regardless, math is stupid.
Despite Patton's efforts to understand the complicated formula, he finally gave up trying to figure a way to explain it to the common man, and angrily gave it back to Jesus a day later.
[edit] Early Life
Math started when in China, where a bored young Chinese boy decided to confuse his family by creating numbers. After toying with the alphabet and other changeable objects, he created the number 1. He presented it to his family, who believed the boy had been possessed by the devil. After numerous trials and mistrials, the boy was declared an outcast and exiled to Japan. However, the Japanese also believed the boy was possesed and sent him back to China. Confused (not by Confucius) over seeing the boy, who had been banished only a few days earlier, they banished him again to Japan. This cycle continued for years, all the while the boy was creating new numbers. The boy eventually married and passed on his numbers to his offspring. Math came to be when his ancient Chinese descendants (of the Ab I. Cus Empire) decided that they needed to create something that was unnecessary for most professions, yet would be taught in school anyway. This was widely regarded as a bad move, so Math moved to America where nothing has a point anyway. BALLZ BALLZ BALLZ BALLZ BALLSACK Upon his arrival in America, Math met a lot of important historical figures such as Bob the Builder and Chuck Norris. This was widely regarded as a bad move for both Bob the Builder and Chuck Norris seeing as they both think that 2+2=6, and in-fact, not 5. Upon learning this, Math immediately ditched the two and found Calculus sleeping in a cardboard box with a hobo. The two became fast friends, and left poor Calculus alone in the cardboard box. Calculus decided to team up with the other Asian empires to form Asian Calculus which later will be know as Extremious Numerous Indian Calculus, or ExNIC.
Yes, that's right, the Hindu Gods got hold of numbers and gave them one. As if the situation wasn't bad enough already, they totally confused the rest of the World by changing the whole 'concept' of 2+2=5, insisting 2+2=Karma. So now, there were no rules.. Karma meant you could have any infinite answers to the same question. Even today, Math is the main cause of over population, unquestionable numbers of Gods with always minimum 5 arms. The worst examples of these can still today, be found strewn across the white sandy beaches of Baga, Goa, practicing an Ancient Art which they also reckon they invented, namely Yoga
[edit] A typical math problem
[edit] Girls in Math
With the help of Math, we can prove that girls are evil:
- Girls take time and money, right?
- And we know that time is money...
- So:
- Plus, money is the root of all evil...
- So therefore:
- And I am forced to conclude that:
.
Thus, girls are absolutely evil.
[edit] Controversy
Math has been criticized for having secret conspiratorial meetings with such nefarious characters as George W. Bush, Oprah, Dr. Frankenstein, Darth Vader, and Oscar Wilde; it should be noted that Math has also been criticized for being too difficult. Much of the controversy over Math has been on Algebra (and his cousins: Pre-Algebra, Algebra II and Linear Algebra), who seems to have been involved with a cult called the Math Department, which maintains that suicide is an effective way to prevent teachers from having to actually do any work, and thus the best lifestyle choice for most teens. In fact, in the past few years, Algebra's sordid past has caused such a stir amongst the Math community, such as the famous snubbing of the entire Algebra family by Calculus, Geometry, Statistics, and Ralph Waldo Emerson (Arithmetic chose to stay out of the conflict only because she was visiting her sister-in-law, Biology, at the time); that Algebra was called in for conference with the leader of the Math Department and was dismissed. Another common barb against Math is that nobody uses it (with the exception of a few very confused construction workers, who refer to themselves as "Accountants"). Math is also frequently criticized for its strong liberal bias.
[edit] Math's Heyday
At the rise of its popularity,Math was able to do anything it wanted. There were no government restrictions to what Math was able to do. Using Math, it became dangerously easy to prove that keyboardists were gay.
Chaos ensued as girls on web-cams everywhere struggled to figure out whether they should put beer or shoe on their heads.
This, of course, was absolutely disastrous for existentialists such as Nietzsche, Barry Bonds, and George W. Bush who took great measures to try and eradicate Math. At least five recorded attempts of assassinations were noted during Math's existence. Bonds was indicted on several counts of molestation and strangling, and Nietzsche was found guilty of several other murders not related to Math (see: God). George Bush is currently engaged in a bitter "War on Mathematics" as he struggles to figure out how to add 23 to 42. As the casualties continue to multiply, Mathematics becomes an even more deadly foe and opressor of freedom. As mathematicians, they are free to pull equations out of their ass and tell us that they work somehow. No human has had the endurance to put up with the explanation as to how it works, so no one ever questions how math works.
Soon, it became obvious that government intervention was necessary to control the abuse of Math. Popular equations that became outlawed:
Even though these were outlawed, a new device called a calculator helped people use these equations without the government knowing.
Another useful invention which helped to propel Math into a state of euphoria was the imaginary number. Shortly after the discovery of this class of numbers, purveyors of them realized that ALL numbers actually are imaginary anyway, so then they had to spend all kinds of effort stroking each other's egos over rigorous definitions and so-called "proofs" of the non-existent facts. This caused many to go completely insane and become molesters, scofflaws, drunks, junkies, and all manner of menaces to society. Most are unemployed and virtually homeless to this day.
[edit] The Math Attack of 1984
One day, a woman named George Orwell decided it would be funny to make Pi = 3.1415926535897932384626433832795028841971693993751058209749445923078164062862089986280348253421170679 8214808651328230664709384460955058223172535940812848111745028410270193852110555964462294895493038196 4428810975665933446128475648233786783165271201909145648566923460348610454326648213393607260249141273 724587006606315588174881520920962829254091715364367892590360011330530548820466521384146951941511609... But Math disagreed. What ensued was the bloodiest battle ever fought in the entirety of eternity. George pulled out a machete, but math conjured an army with 
. In the end, Math defeated George Orwell and peace returned to Mathitonia...
...For now.
[edit] The Fall of Math
Math finally went the way of Old Yeller on January 21, 2001. After several years of over-zealous government banning of Math, it was finally exiled from the United States, and banned from all EU nations as well. Stuck in Mexico, with no food or relatives, it stayed alive for approximately eighteen days, living on only Pita bread, Agave cactus, and desert buttons. These buttons gave Math incredible visions in its last few days of life. Several important equations came to Math these days, and are regarded as the most vital equations to the furthering of the human race itself.
However, these equations were stolen by US international operative Sam Fisher shortly after Math died, and were never revealed to the public.
Math is buried in the Arlington Cemetery in Moscow, Russia. Its tombstone bears the factual inscription 
.
[edit] New Math
Math was replaced by New Math by people who are stupid, yet wanted to move ahead after Math fell. This lead to New science and other things as well. New Math proves that Enron showed a profit and not a loss, and that PI equals exactly three (and is therefore rational), and shows without a doubt that Evolution is false. The dawn of a new age has begun, with the fall of Math, and the rise of New Math to replace it.
[edit] The War on Math
As of January 1st, 2006, America is reported to be winning the "War on Math and Science", with only 1,337 men lost (this figure does not include members of the Catholic Church, duck farmers, cartoon characters, professional actors, previously dead people, or small animals).
Not surprisingly, no women whatsoever have died in the "War on Math and Science". This is attributed to the fact that Tupperware sales have gone down and sales of Prozac have gone up.
Recently, a small group of Parkway North High School Students have banded together in an attempt to destroy the Evil that is Math once and for all. The head of this organization, known for his public statement of "I would go gay for Michael Jackson", is an 11th degree black belt in every martial art imaginable, which he obtained from Chuck Norris at the age of -5, while in the womb. Thus far, he has been successful in eliminating twenty-eight, seventy-three, and one-trillion-eight-hundred-seventy-three-billion-two-million-nine-hundred-ninety-four-thousand-two-hundred-sixty-five times pi from existence. Anyone who says any of these numbers must immediately be hung on a high ceiling by their toenails and beaten summarily with a large, iron rod. This rod is to be twenty-nine-minus-one plus e to the third inches in length.
[edit] Factions of Math
Math is constructed like a giant jigsaw puzzle, with many different colors, the orange Pre-Algebra, the blue Algebra (with pink sub piece Linear Algebra), the relentless green-red Calculus, the blue-green-white striped Arithmetic and the infamous black-white checkered Logic. These are combined by the golden rule; that when one type of Math contradicts the other, the Supreme Court will decide which is the correct according to the Laws of Physics.
[edit] Legends
It has been said that because 3 + 4 is much more than -1, so must the stars burn out before we can ascend into the sky with our extraterrestrial brothers and sisters to our true homes among what are commonly known as the stars. By extension, chaos is greater than 
. It has also been rumored that pi is delicious and lasts a long time. Many people don't do math cuz it hard. Some don't do math because it burns us! It burns us!
A second legend states that seven is and always will be the dominant subject under Math. Seven is known for his cruelty. It is even said that Seven became so frustrated with the disorder in his co-workers that he ended up eating nine. Seven was never punished in any way and continued on in hopes of gaining the place of One. Six, the most stupid Roman numeral gained a fear of this Seven who was at least Two postions above him. One day, Six did a handstand and Seven ate it too.
Another legend is that if you had a huge number of monkeys sitting at typewriters, typing randomly, then given "enough" time, they would be absolutely certain to eventually reproduce a work of William Shakes-his-spear (or anyone else, for that matter) exactly.
Finally, a legend that has been proven true is that all mathematicians (or mathemagicians) will only eat pie if it is square, since it would otherwise make absoloutely no sense to them (because pi(e) are squared [
]).
[edit] Math & Asians
Why are Asians good at math? It is because they do not believe in gravity. Without that knowledge, an Asian can open the inner gates of chi to tap the unused 90% of the brain which contains the ancient secret arts of kung-fu and confounding controversial sections of math. Asian technology is far superior due to this natural rocket science math talent in making inventions such as the abucus, a big GUN+a big DAM=Giant Unrealistic Nuclear Dam Armed Masterfully, PS3, and mind crush skill through anime culture shocks.
With the technology that they possess, they can invent other mind boggling inventions like outrageously likable mind controlling television shows *cough-pokemon. With their mastery of technology anything they say in the field of math goes. In 1534, the first Asian had declared that there is such a thing as a number X to make other ethnic races suffer. With this the world had fallen apart and made asians number one smart people. The Asian society as we know it today has truced with all ethnic races and therefore still trying to figure out how to make math as easy as spelling PURPLE RAIN to undo the casualties from their invention of the number X.
[edit] Mathematic Terrorists
Currently featured at the top of the U.S. Top Most Wanted List:
- The terrorist group Al Gebra, for instating terror with their weapons of math instruction. They are headed by the leader known as Osum of Bin Adden
- Radicals and Irrationals, angry at the world for saying that if they are Negative on the inside, they might turn Imaginary.
- Douglas R. Hofstadter, a crazy duck farmer who writes weird books about things like "the number P," which he defines as "the number of minutes per day that HE spends thinking about the number P," which he claims to do mostly while shaving.
If you see any of the above people, please call the following toll-free number: 1-800-DEATH-TO-MATHEMATICAL-TERRORISTS
[edit] Math: Agent of Devil Music
In the early 60's, geeky D&D nerds dropped their 40-sided die and turned their numeric fixations towards the world of harmonics (admittedly shaky territory for pastey white people). Over night, intensely complex syncopations and constant time-signature switching became pop standards, as Math (Death, Black, etc.) Metal swept the UK, Spain, and parts of Canadia. And America too.
One young man destined to rise to the high of Math Metal Core Hard Post Core was called Geddy "The Machete" Lee, who gained wide recognition for combining elements of the "two-hand tapping" guitar technique with the quadratic formula. While playing a gig at a local Comp USA, Lee met fellow nerd musician Neil "I Own Every Cymbal Ever Created" Peart. The two formed a love affair best described by Lee himself:
| But the oaks cannot help their feelings If they like the way they're made and they wonder why the maples Cant be happy in their shade? |
As one can clearly see, Black Math Death Metal Grind Core™ makes people gayer.
[edit] Proof that 2+2=5
1. 2+2=4
2. 4=a number
3. 5=a number
4. 4=5
THUS... 2+2=4, which means 2+2=5.
[edit] Simpler and more obvious proof that 2+2=5
1. Let a be any number
2. Let b be any number
3. Let a=b
4. a*a = b*a
5. a*a - b*b = b*a - b*b
6. (a+b)*(a-b)=b*(a-b) *1
7. (a+b)*(a-b) =b* (a-b)
8. (a+b) =b
9. (a+b)+3 =b+3
10. let a=1
11. since a=b -> b=1
12. (1+1)+3 = 1+3
13. 5 = 4
14. let one of the 2 be 3
15. let 2 be 2 and a half
- 1
if: a=b then a-b=0 so: x(0)=y(0) is true but makes zero=zero :/ but: using The Oscar Wilde set we can overcome this by just cancelling or dropping of the multiplied section.
THUS...
, which means 
Anything divided by itself is one, so 0/0 = 1 PROOF: 1x0=0 If 0/0=1, and 1/1=1, then 0/0=1/1 Well 0/1=0, so we can replace the 0's with 0/1 SO (0/1) / (0/1) = 1/1 (0/1) / (0/1) simplifies to (0.1) / (1.0) = 1 [keep, change, flip] 1/1 equals 1=0/0, so replace the one's with zero's (0.[0/0]) / (0.[0/0]) = 1 reduces to (0^2/0)^2 = 1 Find the square root 0^2/0=1, -1 0^2 divided by 0^1 is 0^(2-1) Which is 0^1 anything to the first power is one so 0=1 and -1 if 0=1 and 0=-1, then 1=-1 square root or both sides: 1, -1 = i so i = 0, therefore 0 is irrational also 1+-1=0 2-1=1=0=3=2=5
[edit] See Also
[edit] Spelling
The word Math (from the word mathematics which is from the French Mathematique, from the Latin extrarius, meaning unrelated) is one of the many things America has done to ruin the world. Every proper english person knows the real word is Maths, the S emphasising it's all around superiority of the world.
