Māori
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
The Maori are a common species of elite super-humans (that turn Black when Angry) engineered by New Zealand scientists so that they could beat Australia at rugby. As a direct result of this tampering with nature, the aboriginal people of New Zealand all spontaneously imploded, and the population was left with a cultural vacuum. Early specimens of the Maori, who failed to make the blackness grade required to be considered All Black, were released into the populace, where they mated with almost everything not tied down, including themselves.
Contents |
[edit] History of Maori
[edit] Original inhabitants of New Zealand
The Moriori were the original inhabitants of New Zealand. The Moriori were a peaceful bunch, who minded their own business, and had a tradition of making love, not war. The idea of hitting another person about the head with a club or spear was abhorrent to them. They named the three islands of New Zealand, "The Land of the Long Blue Skies". (With the event of 19th Century industrial progress, much of the land fell under permanent cloud, and it has since changed its name to "The Land of the Long White Cloud", or "Aotearoa".)
Sometime, around 1300AD, when Marco Polo was meeting up with Kublai Khan, and the English were wrestling Jerusalem off the hands of the Muslims, a bunch of savage peoples from Taiwan were sailing off to conquer their little patch of the South Pacific, by-passed the desert known as Australia, and decided that "The Land of the Long Blue Skies" seemed better pickings. These people were to become known as "Maori". Their common practice was to assimilate other nations into their culture, by the more direct means of eating them, and then sit around complaining how hard done-by they are.
Finding no opposition, other than a silent protest by the Moriori, under the guidance of their leader Mahatma Ghandiori, the Maori rapidly "assimilated" the people of the land into their culture *burp*, and then proclaimed themselves to be the rightful owners of the country, and sat around waiting for the first welfare office to be built. (This last act has since become a national sport).
[edit] Escape to Chatham Islands
What we do know about the Moriori, is that a small tribe, under a leader called Solomon, slipped off under the cover of darkness, and escaped to the Chatham Islands, off the coast of New Zealand. Being a miserable backwater, and of virtually no use what-so-ever, the Maori didn't bother to give chase, and were content to make war on themselves and the European settlers, who were to follow a few hundred years later. The Chatham Islands were soon forgotten about, and eventually lost.
20th Century progress meant that the Chatham Islands were re-discovered, and the few remaining Moriori tried to gain compensation from the New Zealand Government and the (almost civilized) Maori tribes. The Maori then sent a boat load of warriors off to the Chathams, to assimilate the few remaining Moriori into their culture, once and for all. This would settle any claims for compensation, once and for all. A tiny number of Moriori managed to escape, by pretending they were welfare officers.
[edit] Claim of New Zealand land
What is so hypocritical of the whole affair, was that when the Europeans tried to take over the land of New Zealand, by offering a totally unfair system called money and trade, the Maori scuttled off under the cloud of treatises, and screamed "unfair" claiming that the lands was theirs, had always been, and that buying blocks of land in exchange for piles of cash was unfair. However, when the few surviving Moriori proclaimed that they possessed the land first, the Maori then claimed that the Moriori never existed, and were only a story you told your kids to make sure that when they grew up, they didn't become peace-activists. Loosing this argument, they then said they they had the right to the land, because the had won it by right of conquest ... and so the saga continues.
[edit] Notable Maori
- Apoc from The Matrix is Maori. Good for him.
- Jeff from 'Bro Town' is Maori (not even ow)
- Cameron McLachlan is also part Maori (he is also part French Arab).
- Jango and Boba Fett are Maori. This explains the absolutely prolific rate of reproduction which resulted in the great historical battle known as the Attack of the Clones. The lineage of all "clones" can be traced to Jango Fett and one of three loose slappers from the town of Hawera.
- Brian 'BUTCH' McLachlan is a modern day caravan dwelling Maori.
Note: It is also a little known fact that every President of the USA that have ever existed has had to have at least 1/4 Maori. So when they say there have never been a black President that is a lie, they are just Maoris in disguise. Thus the ignorance of the USA.
