Lindsay Lohan
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 WARNING!This article may be seen for children who are under 12, this also may cause your kids to have sex, if your not interested, please click here. BABES ONLY: If you call me a name - ever again - I will find all of your boyfriends, and I will fuck them stupid.
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“She's very dumb...very...I mean it, really really really dumb...”
~ Paris Hilton on Lindsay Lohan
“You all say that you hate her, but would any of you kick her out of bed? Seriously?”
~ The voice of MANkind on Lindsay Lohan
“Disney-Channel-sweetheart-turned-Razzie-winning-whore say what??”
~ Miley Cyrus on Lindsay Lohan
“Best use of retarded stuffing ever!”
~ Gandalf on picture of Lindsay in playboy
“A bad girl! I'm not following her footsteps!”
~ Shawn Johnson on Lindsay Lohan
“That bitch gave me a yeast infection. Dumb Whore! Thats why i stick with men now”
~ Michael Jackson in a interview in the "Sexual Experiences with Morons" special
Saint Lindsay D. Lohan (No-one knows what the "D" stands for - some suggest it stands for "Devil" or "Disney" (same thing), however most just attribute it as "Dee" or "Dumbshit" or even the "D's" that are usually winning her roles in big-budget movies), sometimes known as Lindsay Knockers, is a dyke and a living saint of The Church of Ass and Nipple Slips. After becoming self-aware and vacating the job of Pope of the Church of Ass and Nipple Slips in 1997 she ascended to the role of Supreme Being and begun a Movie career with the aim of taking over the world/launching the Apocalypse. She launched a successful line of home abortion kits, her liver has a fatal amount of vitamin D, and she is considered to be a master at Flashing her Vagina. She is purportedly the worst person who has ever lived because she is an unabashed cigarette smoker.
[edit] The Religion (Ass & Nipple Slips)
“If you call me a name - ever again - I will find all of your boyfriends, and I will fuck them stupid.”
~ Herself from Georgia Rule
Lindsay Lohan is the kind of woman by whom every 12-year-old kid wants to have sex with over and over again. Luckily for them, she has done it with half of the world's 12 year old population, and is actively pursuing the rest. However, being fucked by Lindsay Lohan will result in the permanent loss of your soul, and/or immediate damnation to hell. Most believe that this part of a large takeover attempt of humanity by the Devil. It is assumed that her powers stem from some kind of soul-binding contract with Satan - I mean Disney (same thing), although others believe she is the Devil (Disney) herself. Regardless, it would seem the end outcome would be the same.
Lindsay Lohanism (aka The Church of Ass and Nipple Slips), is a rather curious religion, whose main belief structure is founded on getting as many pictures of yourself revealing ass or nipple to the public. Many are drawn to the religion by Lindsay's rather frequent display of ass or nipples. Although most are aware of its evils, most don't really want to do anything about it - especially the 12 year olds, who are more than happy for it to continue. Because they are morons.
In her spare time, she enjoys chugging on male penis, which is good for all males, especially this male, but not a whale! ....Well.... maybe....
The most recent act of worship was at this year's Nickelodeon Kid's Choice Awards, where her ass was photographed and shown on the internet numerous times.
Lindsay Lohan is Latin (Linsisius Lohanises) and translates directly into All Your Base Are Belong To Us, which is a metaphor for the religion - perhaps further evidence of the Devil's desire to enslave the world. Lindsay Lohanism often takes over smaller religions and/or institutions, people, schools, pets, pencil sharpeners, and banana factories. She uses the bananas from these factories in exotic masturbation rituals also involving Jessica Alba
She is always seen by paparazzi playing with dildos, Hello Kitty Vibrators, Star Wars Lightsabers and dirty GMILF magazines. Most are not sure of the significance of these items, however she sure enjoys them.
Miss Lohan is a huge fan of Stevie Nicks, and has stated that it is her goal in life to keep doing cocaine until the hole in her nasal septum is as big as Stevie's.
[edit] His Family
Her parent's genes are so good, especially the penis, so let's take a look:
[edit] Michael jackson
Her father has bad genes, he was jailed 5 times, one for committing statutory rape with her future wife, Dina (was only 16 at the time c. 1978), jailed twice for financial fraud and assaulting his wife in c. 1988 and two DUIs in New Year's Eve 2004 and mid-2005. Michael's friends called Pat Robertson and Billy Graham to pray for him to be paroled and be converted to Christianity. Michael has a new wife and he plans to have many male children, Lindsay Lohan's half siblings. In the year 2100 the surname Lohan will be on the #1 list beating Jones, Smith and Johnson.
[edit] Dina Lohan
She wanted to be the "White Oprah," After Dina Lohan won the "Long Island's Best Mother" award in 2004, Lindsay Lohan followed her mother's footsteps on drinking alcohol. She is the #1 sexiest cougar slut in the world over age 40. She is planning to be a contestant on Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader. She now has a new boyfriend which is a few years older than her oldest daughter. See Living Lohan for more, an envious reality show.
[edit] Michael Lohan Jr.
He's the only Lohan who is not involved in Hollywood or gossip hounds. He has publicly denounced his family and called for their immediate extermination.
[edit] Ali Lohan
The future Lindsay Lohan just not as hot. Her name is Arabic, Osama bin Laden's boys might fuck her. Her age difference is only a few years as Jamie Lynn Spears, Britney's sister.
[edit] Dakota "Cody" Lohan
Wait, the Lohans have a brother? Since he's not being pushed by his loving mother, nobody noticed.
[edit] Adolf Hitler
Hitler was the great uncle of Lindsay's jewish half-brother. They enjoyed spending lots of time alone together.
[edit] Powers of Persuasion
Lohan said seriously them for in so much qu' actress, to add, "He hoped is taken; I hate him when m' people; a teenager queen."; to call. She addressed the many romantic rumours ("Me weet now I don't need a boyfriend.") and its weight loss ("I will say that I went by a phase. I lost myself at this time the weight in hospital was, and at this time please hold me to him off.").
[edit] Mortal Enemies
Lindsay Lohan has six mortal enemies - Hilary Duff, Paris Hilton, Brandon Davis, Zorxog lord of the underworld, John Stamos and Scorpion. Although Lindsay is widely recognised as either the Devil, the Devil's spawn or the Devil's minion, few believe that Hilary or Paris are in any way connected to God or Jesus (although it should be pointed out that Hilary did try to steal Jesus' handbag). It is thought that perhaps Paris is also the Devil's spawn, also sent here to try & enslave the planet just in case Lindsay doesn't succeed, or has the ability to enslave the world faster than Lindsay (both seem to have the ability to have the same facial expression all the time, which may be significant). No one is quite sure where Hilary Duff comes into this all - and to be honest, no one cares.
Hilary Duff is also known to have stolen Lindsay's handbag, which Hilary believed held the key to Lindsay's evil powers, and ultimately could lead to her defeat. Unfortunately for Hilary (and perhaps the entire world), Lindsay got the handbag back. Not that anyone cared, because no one listens to Hilary Duff anyway.
In early 2006, John Stamos controversially denied an offer of 3 kilos of cocaine from Lindsay, inciting her rage and angst.
In a twist of fate, on the evening of May 23, 2006, Brandon Davis ate Lindsay Lohan's evil handbag.
In another twist of fate, she suffered an injury involving an uppercut, most likely Scorpion's. WOOT WOOT!
Prophecies say that one day she and Paris Hilton will have a final encounter (to be shown live on pay per view) in which one will be cast into the Lake of Fire (or B Movies perhaps) and the other will reign in heaven!
[edit] Lindsay vs. Paris
Slight disagreements about exactly what happened at a party recently - Lindsay Lohan did or didn't go up to Paris Hilton's table where Paris was sitting talking to some friends, then either nothing else happened, or the two exchange words face to face - at this point either nothing else happened, or they went off to a private room together and made beautiful music together. If something did happen then at this point Lindsay jumped on top of Paris, either they then rolled around on the floor or around in bed - if on the floor of the club then blows were exchanged, if on the bed then kisses. Lindsay was then on top of Paris, either pummeling her or sticking her fingers up her vaginer, either way flesh was pressing on flesh. It was heard from the next door room that they heard pineaplles, yes pineapples, being shuved up there vaginas. I meen WTF???
[edit] Music Career?
Uhhh.... WHO THE FUCK CARES, SHE CANT SING FOR SHIT!
[edit] Current Status
Lindsay Lohan is currently the queen of the firecrotch, and it is said that her genitalia has the power to brainwash thousands at a time. Her clitoris was responsible for the destruction of New Orleans during Hurricane Katrina. I mean, she takes off her clothes and everyone is under her control just like that.
Of course, this isn't an entirely bad experience. Not at all. I mean, who doesn't want to be spellbound by that?
Still has a great ass, lips and breasts - the sort every man wants to have to hand to fondle and kiss and generally resting on their face - although still looks a bit like jailbait. If the Devil did in fact design this temptress, he/she could not have done a better job.
She was nominated for an Academy Award for Best Actress for her role as Marilyn Monroe in Schindler's List, but lost out to Michael Jackson playing a straight black woman.
She has yet to win an Oscar, so humanity still lives for the time being.
Her idol is the 70's porn star Linda Lovelace.
[edit] The Change
Lohan over the years has morphed from a sex bomb, into a strange frail skeleton like creature. It is unknown if she will survive the winter. This may be due to being away from Hell itself for a prolonged period of time, having a detrimental affect on Lindsay's crafted body. This is quite likely, as it is the reason why Mary-Kate Olsen has Anorexia (she is the evil one of The Olsen Twins). If this is the case, many believe that Lindsay will have to try and "Win an Oscar" soon before she is too weak to do so.
Over the years more and more information about Lindsay's anatomy has been gathered and divulged with the public. Mostly this has just served to fuel most people's desire to get with her, or if they are 12 and already have gotten with her, make them want a second round.
[edit] Lindsay's Movies
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Lindsay has appeared in several successful films, television shows, and sexually compromising positions with a hint of cilantro. It is well known that it is Lindsay Lohan's ambition to win an Oscar - some believe that this is clear evidence of the Devil wanting to gain control of mankind, Lindsay being the Devil and an "Oscar" being a metaphor for the human race. Others dispute this, but clearly point out that it would, in fact, be the Apocalypse if Lindsay ever did win an Oscar.
[edit] The Parent Trap (1998)
Lindsay was only 12 years old during the making of this film, and as such had to duplicate herself to create enough power to control the audiences (and to plant the seeds with which to control the human race eventually). However this was ill advised as two Lindsay's were far too powerful, and it is believed that many came out of the cinema with brain damage after viewing this movie. Most credible sources say that this movie had something to do with trapping the parental father in compromising positions of gratuitous sex with his underage daughters, however most are too scared to view the movie to check if this was in fact the case, as they risk the aforementioned brain damage.
Lindsay killed her duplicate three months after the movie, in fear that she would outsmart her.
[edit] Freaky Ass Friday (2003)
Lindsay once again returned to the big screen in 2003 with Disney's cinematic equivalent of the holocaust, Freaky Ass Friday. In it, Lindsay played Jamie Lee Curtis' daughter, where the two exchanged bodies for a short period of time. Clearly unhappy with the wholly unsuitable body of Jamie Lee Curtis, they changed back. Experts are unsure as to how often Lindsay can change bodies with others - some say that although it is a useful gift, Lindsay's body possesses a host of weapons (among other things) that she is reluctant to give others control to.
The film, however, was a huge success and led to Lohan's first Oscar nomination due to the academy's members mistaking her part for a severely autistic crack whore. The award, however, went to Nicole Kidman who is, ironically enough, an actual autistic crack whore.
Jamie Lee Curtis was intend to be title the movie A Fish Called Lindsay in order to reprise Curtis' role from A Fish Called Wanda. But Walt Disney refused that title.
[edit] Confessions of a Teenage Cum Whore (2004)
Conceived as a biopic, Confessions of a Teenage Cum Whore, is about her days as a 12 year old hooker on the streets of Long Island, fucking men with scuzzy beards and guns in their pockets. Her vagina is still injured from the making of this movie.
[edit] Meat Girls (2004)
Lindsay's "breakout" role, so to speak, was in 2004, with her portrayal as a new girl in high school in Meat Girls. The movie was about teenage girls carrying out vindictive acts of sex upon one another, mostly in the local butcher shop. Lindsay starred as a girl who could link her own sausage, if you know what I mean. (I think you do.) Her performance was well received by many film critics, however although many rate this film reasonably high on the "Best Porno's of All Time" list at number 23, no-one can actually recall exactly what happened in the movie. This seems to be a common trait in her movies - some believe that she has the power to make people forget things upon the sight of her naked body, performing acts of sex, or delicious, delicious sideboob.
[edit] Just My Fuck (2006)
This movie is about a young woman who is the best slut in town. Suddenly, this new hooker, played by Brenda Song shows up who is a total virgin. A witch doctor switches their experiences, and hilarity ensues.
[edit] A Prairie Ho Companion (2006)
A period piece set in a 19th century British colonial island in the Specific Ocean, in which Lindsey plays a cockney English prostitute on vacation on the "Island of No Return...no seriously we didn't just pick a quaint sounding name it's riddled with zombies and mad doc...aw screw it, why do we even bother". She is unaware that the island is also home to the evil Baron Dr.Leo Bomburst who plans to test his experimental ninja zombie army on a group of country singers. Mayhem and Zombie Killing ensue.
Lohan is kidnapped by Bomburst and tortured by being forced to watch those episodes of Monty Python that weren't really funny or memorable, and every one of M. Night Shyamallammadingdongs just...just really awful movies. Okay fine, Unbreakable was passing, and Village was tolerable, but everything else was just so, so terrible.
Eventually she is freed by Ving Rhames, commander of the 4th Squadron of the Zombie Extermination Battalion. The Evil Baron is killed and a battle scene of Return of the King type proportions begins. This regrettably drained the films remaining budget and the scene, originally planned to extend 75 minutes, lasted a mere 4.3.
The remainder of the movie, recorded on a hand held camera, consists of Lindsay spending 60 minutes recounting her remaining experiences on the island with Paris Hilton, Tara Reid, Rael, and Nobel Prize winning Physicist Richard Feynman.....'s brain-eating zombie. Because he's dead. Richard Feynman....seriously? you people have no idea who he is...son of a....why do I even bother
[edit] Booby (2006)
A movie where she runs around in a bikini with a crummy plot about saving a Nihilistic Penguin.
This is the story of several people being effected by the death of Heath Ledger. As his dying wish, he asks that his sons, Mario and Luigi, now twin Dons of the Toadstool Crime Family, exterminate Booby, a Penguin who controls the academy awards. The Penguin stumbles upon Lindsay Lohan who stars as Bodyguard/Hitwoman, Chesty McBoobsalot who offers to protect him if he promises to help her win a Best Actress. Hilarity ensues. No really it does, I'm serial you guys.
Anyway, they run and drive around alot in various states of undress, until Luigi calls them. Tired of living in his brothers shadow, he offers to call the hit off of Booby if he and Chesty agree to help assassinate Mario. Mario is tricked into going to the middle of a mushroom field where Chesty, aided by Enforcers from the Koopa Family attack him with Fireballs, Hammers, and Giant slow moving bullets. Mario escapes, but is ultimately garroted by Booby who was lying in wait in his car.
Luigi kills Booby anyway explaining that you did kill my brother, you @**!!ing penguin. Can't let that crap slide... plus you farted in the car on the ride home and rolled up the windows right after.
He then makes Chesty his sex slave in return for making her a famous actress despite a complete inability to act.
[edit] Georgiasten slut Rules (2007)
A story about a rebellious girl called Georgia (played by Lindsay Lohan) who crashes her car and ends up locked up in a Ice Cream Store, regularly pinned to the bed and forced to have lesbian sex, framed by drug pushers, she ultimately triumphs over the evil prison governess Hott Butt Nlure (played by Billy Idol), confronted in the shower by the governess pressing special attention on Georgia, fed up Georgia tackles the governess to the floor. They roll around in the showers surrounded by screaming naked women, Georgia herself is naked - it seems all over for Georgia as the governess mounts her chest forcing her to eat lube. The small girl's arms pinned under her knees, her body pressed down into the soapy water by the governess's Testicals. However when the governess refers insultingly to her parentage she finds a sudden surge of strength and throwing her off. Georgia jumps on the governess pounding her brutally, then grabbing a loo brush she forces it down the governesses choking her to death, the only waiting to find out that it was nothing but a dream from a six year coma.
Inexplicably the authorities overlook this and she is released and goes back to being an infamous celebrity.
[edit] I Know Who Fucked Me (2007)
This is a remake of Jodie Foster's The Silence of the Lambs. Except that Lindsay plays a stripper and Buffalo Bill was played by three different trained monkeys, and Hannibal Lecter by Jon Heder.
[edit] I know who you flashed last summer (2009)
Coming soon to a theater near you!
[edit] Dare to Ride Me (2008)
Upcoming drama about a pimp, who kills the girls who give him horrible blowjobs.
[edit] Poor Things (2008)
Another upcoming movie, about a Hollywood actress who blows her fortune on drugs, clothes, alcohol and subsequent rehab sessions. Lohan was the first choice, yet was unable to shoot the movie in the summer, when scheduled, due to her time in rehab. She backed out, but producers still wanted her, as she was the only actress in Hollywood who had enough in common with the lead role to portray her well enough.
[edit] High School Musical 3 (2008 or 2009)
This is her fifth and final comeback for Disney. This time she'll play a bad-ass teacher with an arm cannon that shoots Peanut butter. Metroid Prime 3 is to be bundled with a ticket.
[edit] Manson Girls (2009)
The film is a historical reenactment of Jewish Serial Killer Pimp, Dee-ron Rosenbling, who fucked girls then killed them. Lohan will play his lesbian accomplice, Ginger 'Loves the donuts' Juggs. Johnny Depp plays a sexually ambiguous Pet Detective tasked with finding their pet Alligator, Mr. Tickles .
She will eat many donuts in this movie.
[edit] Lessons of a trained hoe (2009)
This film will be a very touching movie about the lessons of a hoe (played by lindsay lohan)She is a troubled slut at school who drops out, does drugs, becomes an actor then gets dumped on the streets as hoe. She starts a hoe school that trains wannabe slutty hoes from the age of 3 .This is a true life story.
[edit] Living Lohan
That fucking reality show makes all parents and children envy. That would make the Lohans appear worldwide, with a MILF, Dina Lohan.
[edit] Trivia
In Park Ridge, Illinois, there are two streets intersecting one street that runs north-south is Dee Rd. The other street running east-west is Lahon St. Similar spelling huh? very clever. You better look at the map and prove it. Anyway that's where Lindsay turns her tricks.
[edit] See Also
- Babe
- Lesbian
- Slut
- Whore
- Jezebel
- Delilah
- Cleveland steamer
- Yeah, baby, let my shove my dick up on your asshole
- Justin Timberlake
[edit] External Links
- LLRocks.com - A clean version of the website! This is recommended for younger fans who are in between ages 12 and 17.
- LocationLohan.com - Post anything on her forums!
