Life
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“Life'll kill ya, Then you'll be dead”
~ Warren Zevon on life
“I don't wanna see a ghost. It's the sight that I fear most. I'd rather have a piece of toast, watch the evening news. Life, oh life, oh life, oh life. Life, oh life, oh life, oh life.”
~ Des'ree on life
“Oh no not again!”
~ A bowl of petunias on life
Life is a terminal sexually transmitted disease. Although it cannot be cured, it can be treated with a large dose of death. Thus, the best treatment for life is to ensure that death is administered as soon as possible: one time-tested strategy is leaving the infected baby in a dumpster. This treatment is ineffective; death is only a temporary cure because of reincarnation, the toxin known to be the driving force behind the life epidemic.
Discovered by René Descartes, the statement "Cogito, ergo sum," (roughly translated: "Whoa, I just realized that I exist - I must be awesome") best sums up the characteristics of the disease.
The symptoms of life include breathing, eating, and all other kinds of general douchebaggery. It is the only known STD with a 100% fatality rate.
Life is also highly mysterious. The amount of life you have left is usually calculated by subtracting your age from a random number. This can lead to inaccurate results; however, some people are fortunate enough to have their life indicated by either a row of hearts or of small pictures of their face that hover above them and to the left.
Every major culture has attempted to unravel the mysteries of life, and they've all sucked at it. However, the predominant theories are:
- A pond full of scum got hit with some lighting, and 3.85 billion years later, Joel Schumacher was hired to direct Batman & Robin.
- An eternal being was sitting around in a bunch of nothingness when he suddenly decided to create somethingness. He got pissed off at what he created and killed all of it. Then he started giving books to his creation.
- Maybe, in order to make sure that wouldn't happen again, he took the form of his creation so they could sacrifice him to himself. Then he wrote a book about it.
- And maybe, a few hundred years later, he wrote a second book that was supposed to clarify that book but instead just rambled on incoherently like Allen Ginsberg on meth.
- An evil alien overlord flew the population of the universe to Hawaii on commercial jets and threw them in a volcano, and then played movies meant to confuse their disembodied souls, and this would all be obvious to you if they weren't stuck to you right now.
- 42.
These, of course, are only the best theories. There are many others which are not so compelling.
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[edit] How to get one
First, throw away all of your video game consoles. (Optional, but helps massively) Then, get people to be your friends (This chance can be increased by having a games console on many occasions,providing you let them play, but don't rely on it purely), obtain a friend of the opposite sex, and call this your girlfriend(if you're a boy), or a boyfriend(if you're a girl) (This can vary, but usually decreases, especially if you have Dead or Alive.) If you're gay, just make up your own word.
After this, things get tricker. No one actually agrees on what it means to "have a life." However, the following listcruft may help you out:
People who have a life
- Firefighters
- Oprah
- John McClane
People who do not have a life
- Stamp collectors
- Furries
- People who write erotic fan fiction about Star Trek
[edit] Procedures
While life happens across a wide variety of plant and animal specimens, the basic process of life can be broken down into a series of steps common to all:
[edit] Eat
Food and water are required for the sustenance of life. Ironically, much of the world's food is derived from the death of something else. Eating can be done in a variety of ways: absorbing sunlight, gathering nutrients from liquids, consuming the pulpy bits of other lifeforms, and sucking the sweet sweet blood of your overworld cousins are just a few of the more common methods. Some cultures even indulge in consuming the undeveloped fetuses (or feti) of smaller animals, such as chickens, ostriches (or ostrigi), or fish. Black people are commonly known to consume the reproductive fluids of a cow. Sometimes of a goat. They call this process "drinking milk", but it is really a communist plot to overthrow the Bulgarian government.
- A requisite by-product of eating is waste removal, which is known in the animal kingdom as "pooping." What goes in must come out.
[edit] Sleep
Sleep is also required for life to continue. But try not to do it too much, because when you sleep you may get eaten by clinjas.
[edit] Have sex
The most necessary thing for the sustenance of life, and for the creation of the next generation of lifeforms and, if you're a minor celebrity with a camera, for publicity, oh and don't get pushed around by killer pianos.
Also a footnote, sex is acheivable by inserting a finger into or around your sexual organ and then stimulating it with good vibrations. On this subject of masturbation/wanking/jizzing off/slapping the walrus/taking Mr. Squirtypen for a ride on the tugboat/ rubbing the big dirty fish squirter/burping the worm/spanking the monkey/strangling the chicken, or simply beating you meat (men only) Oscar "oh so" Wilde said:
“I dont have one to use.”
“Wait, I think I just found one! ”
[edit] Repeat as necessary
Do the above three steps over and over again(especially the sex if you're a celebrity), ad frickin' infinitum.
[edit] Die
This is currently a myth since the scientific community hasn't yet accepted this stage for the lack of evidence. Not exactly a part of life, but the conclusion of it.
Death can happen in any of a million ways. You could get shot, eaten, run over, blown up, torn up, burned, stabbed,attacked by a pack of stray dogs, drowned, severely teabagged, poisoned or slaughtered (some intellectuals speculate uncontrolled spontaneous laughter, known scientifically as fatal hilarity, can also result in a rather pleasant death). Since dying is the end of life, many people believe it's important to make a big show of it and try to die through dangerous activities like skydiving, fishing, and talking loudly in libraries.
[edit] Conclusion
  Warning: The following text might contain spoilers. This makes the article more aerodynamic, and thus more maneuverable at high speeds. Take caution and carry a first-aid kit at all times if you don't know that this ring isn't a cudgel, you barbarian, Lightning McQueen loses the race, Titus Andronicus bakes Tamora's sons in a pie and feeds them to her, Professor Xavier lives, Archimonde is killed at the last second by a Wisp rush, the Ghostbusters have to cross the streams to destroy Gozer, and Soylent Green is PEOPLE!!! |
As all life begins, so it must end. Or not. Wait, a second...yes. Uhh...no. Whatever. One can die, or be turned into an undead dude, or perhaps ascend into the pantheon and "live" forever. As with the beginning, the end of life is an oft-debated topic despite being useless to anyone alive. If you've ever wondered what happens after life ends, don't worry about it too much. You'll find out in about five minutes (this is what is known as a deadline).
[edit] Recent Discoveries
Recent research suggests that, excepting zombies, nobody can remember the beginning of their own life. This has led to the conclusion that birth is an illusion, and that we are all trapped in a false reality from which there is no escape. Kind of like the Matrix. But kind of not.
[edit] Cheat codes
Life can sometimes become a bit difficult. In some cases, it may become necessary to use cheat codes to get through obstacles. Yes, it is true that people may laugh at you and call you a loser, but its best to remember that since you're not doing it on a video game, that automatically means you're not a loser.
Wanted cheat: Go on your computer, get onto Google, then type in the words "kiddy porn." The police will come.
Pedestrians attack: get in your car, drive up to a KKK meeting, go in there and yell out the words "Jesus is black!" the pedestrians will very likely attack you.
Extra money cheat: Send millions of e-mails to people informing them that you manage a bank account with $15,000,000 in it, and you'd like to give them half of it for no reason. Then start asking them to send you money. Believe it or not, this works.
Speed up time cheat: Walk down the street to your friendly amateur pharmacist and ask for "white powder." Things will get very fast and they may not stop.
Maximum fat cheat: do exactly what you're doing at this very moment.
Keep Pedestrians Away cheat: Take of all your clothes and go outside. Like a miracle, everyone seems to either walk or run away from you. This cheat also works if you want to police to arrest you, and if you want abuse shouted at you by some members of society.
[edit] See also
| Actions of life and death |
|---|
| Start | Be born | Sleep | Play | Study | Sleep | Play | Kill | Live | Go to jail | Escape | Travel | Go to the cemetery | Die | End |
