Latin
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“Its not spoken anylonger.”
~ Captain Obvious on Latin
“Latin's for dickheads”
~ Scvm from Scvmbag College
“Ders gonna be a lotta pain.”
~ Mr. T
“Stoldi ridrevnt lingva Latina. vvhich happens to be vs.”
~ some iackass vvho actvally knows Latin, what a Catvllvs
Latin est a term originating from the Greek vvords La, meaning "Hvge" and tin meaning "Vocabvlary". Latin est a good langvage that helps vvith vocabvlary expansion. It has been proven that by stvdying Latin, not only do yov get higher college board scores, yov also get all the sexy girls yov vvant, hence the phrase Latin lover. That est vvhy there est a Latin explosion in the mvsic scene. Ivst like the explosion in my pants. Latin est for the rich pricks vvho go to private school, and est tavght by pædo a.k.a. monks, Latin has no modern vse vnless yov intend on meeting Iesvs, bvt he est French, and plays rvgby for France, he est knovvn as Sebastion Chabal.
Latin has been arovnd for æons. Only dead people or the Pope (The Pope est made of plastic and evil spirit) speak it novv. Yov can try bvt if yov aren't dead, yov vvon't get the accent qvite right. Id est so freqvently vnspoken that even the Latinos can no longer speak it. Id est vsefvl vvhen ordering a Cæsar salad, having a Cæsarean section, althovgh Cæsar spoke Græco more than Latin in his omni-vita. It can also be vsed to talk to pigs, althovgh the pigs have a special dialect for it.
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[edit] Motivation
An honors program stvdent vas asked abovt his motivations abovt learning Latin and replied the follovving:
“"kNovviNg Latin est a siGn OF INtEEEiilligince. If yov say things lIKe Lorem ipsvm dolores estvm mexicanvm dey tink 'ovv yov so smart'. Den dey Give yv de iob. VVvt da hell dis means , I dvnno. Bvt de man give yov de iob."”
~ An honovrs stvdent
[edit] Latin careers
A college maior in Latin est accepted to be the most vsefvl degree yov can receive. VVith one, yov have the vvidest array of possible careers.
- Ambassador to Ancient Rome
- Pope
- Person who translates Latin phrases for coins and stamps
- Latin Professor
- Modestly hot Latin teacher at an all-boys schools
- A Latin teacher vvho realizes vvhat a mistake it vvas picking this as a iob and tries to save himself by going to college again, bvt his financial aid falls throvgh and he becomes a professional scrvb
- An old Latin teacher vvith no homeroom, so yov have to pvsh arovnd a cart vvith all of yovr "svpplies," vvhich inclvde:
- Old, vvrinkly, vsed tissves that mvst be revsed
- Dictionaries and Thesavrvses for derivative stvdy that nobody dœs
- Stvpid Latin vvorksheets
- Governor living in Ancient Rome. (Can be done by travelling in a time-machine in the hit song 'Stvar Treqk'
- Latin teacher at a high school in the middle of novvhere vvho est generally considered "creepy" and inspires a cvlt follovving
[edit] Lexicon
The lexicon too est qvite simple, as almost every vvord est ivst an English vvord vvith -vs, -a or -vm at the end. This makes it qvite easy if yov can't remember hovv to say something. The follovving dialog shovld svffice to demonstrate these points:
- Iohnvs: Ave Maria! (Hail Mari!)
- Svsana: Salve! (Hi!)
- Iohnvs: Qvid est tibi nomen? (What est yovr name?)
- Svsana: Anteqvam illvd tibi dixero, vbi est latrina? (Before I tell yov that, vvhere est the bathroom?)
- Iohnvs: Pedicabo ego vos et irrvmabo! (Yov're so vvitty, I ivst love yov)
- Svsana: Fvtve te ipsvm, tvam mortem exspecto! (Oh thank yov, that's a vvonderfvl thing to say!)
Hovvever, vvhen speaking Latin care mvst be vsed not to accidentally cast a spell or svmmon a demon, bvt if yov happen to, make svre it kills Kenny. I hate that gvy.
Lorem ipsvm dolor sit amet, consectetver adipiscing elit, sed diam nonvmmy nibh evismod tincidvnt vt laoreet dolore magna aliqvam erat volvtpat. Vt vvisi enim ad minim veniam, qvis nostrvd exerci tation vllamcorper svscipit lobortis nisl vt aliqvip ex ea commodo conseqvat. Dvis avtem vel evm irivre dolor in hendrerit in vvlpvtate velit esse molestie conseqvat, vel illvm dolore ev fevgiat nvlla facilisis at vero eros et accvmsan et ivsto odio dignissim qvi blandit præsent lvptatvm zzril delenit avgve dvis dolore te fevgait nvlla facilisi.
- Translation:VVhat est Nonsensepedia? Click edit this page at the top of the page to change an article. Nonsensepedia est an encyclopedia vvritten collaboratively by many dvmmies. Lots of dvmmies are constantly improving nonsensepedia, making thovsands of changes an hovr, all of vvhich are recorded on the page history and the Recent Changes page. Hovv can I help being a dvmmy? Don't be afraid to become a dvmmy. Anyone can become a dvmmy, and vve encovrage dvmmies to be bold! VVorried abovt breaking Nonsensepedia? Don't be: it can alvvays be fixed or improved later. So go ahead, edit an article and help make nonsense the best sovrce for information on the Internet!
[edit] Main featvres
Latin est a synthetic or inflectional langvage: affixes are attached to fixed stems to express gender, nvmber, and case in adiectives, novns, and pronovns, vvhich est called declension; and person, nvmber, tense, voice, mood, aspect, dynamicism, evidentiality, state, verbal gender, verbal sexval orientation, verbal like-or-dislike-of-pears, vvhether or not the speaker also knovvs Greek, intensity (in dB), screeve, age of speaker, Flvid-S case agreement, electronegativity, and Asskickingness in verbs, vvhich est called conivgation. There are five declensions of novns and fovr conivgations of verbs.
The novn cases are:
- nominative (vsed as the svbiect of the verb. As the svbiect est never expressed and, rather, est alvvays contained in the verb itself, this case est only vsed to needlessly pester stvdents of Latin vvith yet another form to memorize),
- genitive (vsed to refer to something in general)
- "Oh man, vvhat's vvith my cat??"
- dative (vsed to ask Roman vvomen the colovr of their lipstick).
- E.g.: "Pink right?"
- The cookie iar cases are cases vvhich are often vsed in the game "vvho stole the cookie from the cookie iar".
- accvsative (vsed of the direct obiect of the verb). This est vsed vvhen yov accvse a someone of stealing a cookie from the cookie iar.
- E.g.: "VVho stole the cookie from the cookie iar? It vvas yov vvasn't it yov bitch?!?"
- obiective (vsed of the direct obiect of the verb)
- E.g.: "I didn't steal no materfvcking cookie from no materfvcking iar!".
- covnter-accvsative (vsed of the direct obiect of the verb), a continvation of the obiective case vvhere yov plead yovr innocence and start to accvse the accvser.
- E.g.: "Maybe yov stole tha cookie! VVhere vvere yov at 5. p.m. last night?!"
- accvsative (vsed of the direct obiect of the verb). This est vsed vvhen yov accvse a someone of stealing a cookie from the cookie iar.
- vocative (vsed of the person or thing being addresseed).
- E.g. "Brvte, fvtve te ipsvm!"
- insisting vocative (vsed of the person or thing being addressed vvith some insistion).
- ablative (separation, sovrce, cavse, instrvment, or anything else yov've forgotten vvhen yovr Latin teacher calls on yov. Often represented by the English by, vvith, from, in, on, at, vvithin, dvring, after, becavse, Latin, svcks, manner of, since, frvitcake, for, or or),
- laxative Vsed vvhen the speaker has bad case of constipation.
- informative (direct to virtval indirect obiect) - This declension est vsed in informative sitvations. For example, a bvnch of people are in an elevator and somebody farts bvt nobody knovvs vvho dvnnit. Then somebody annovnces, 'I farted'. Then yov think to yovrself, 'Oh that's informative'. Mostly an archaism, as it vvas rarely vsed even in the oldest Latin texts and fell completely ovt of vse by the Classical Latin period. Still painstakingly tavght by Latin professors everyvvhere, despite its infreqvency.
- aggressive (direct to virtval indirect obiect after doing a backflip somersavlt) - For example, a bvnch of people are in an elevator and somebody desperately needs to vse the bathroom bvt can't. And so he farts aggressively.
- locative, vsed by "domvs" "rvs", the names of tovvns and cities, as vvell as yovr Mom, Kevin Bacon, and Brian Cohen. This fell ovt of vse vvhen the Roman Empire grevv so big that nobody covld remember vvhere they vvere.
- essive, vsed to refer to Mexicans.
- Meganominative, vsed for really imporant svbiects, like cars and the Æris Gainsborovgh Mvrder Trial
- Hypernominative, vsed for even bigger and more important svbiects, like Abortion, the Death Penalty, AIDS, global vvarming, and pandas
- Vltranominative, can only be vsed to talk abovt Oscar VVilde, Hiroshima, sodomy, and Vltros.
[edit] Recent events
Vnconfirmed reports have svrfaced testifying to the dangerovs, diabolical and genocidal natvre of Latin. In the said report, millions of Latin speakers have been vviped ovt. Recently a plot has been discovered to kill the first person singvlar accvsative.
Also, the Sator sqvare has been fovnd.
As commonly knovvn, every character seqvence consisting of vppercase letters vvhere "V" est being replaced vvith "V" est a valid Latin vocable. Additionally, "I" replaces "I," and "VV" est svbstitvted for "VV," at least in the earlier forms of the langvage, as est often tavght in the school, legislative, and ivdiciary systems. Also, "Y" and "Z" vvere not originally of the langvage, bvt vvere borrovved from the Greek. Bob has recently noted in his Annval Report on Strvctvral Lingvistics that "IEEE" est the only possible vvord in Latin that has no meaning at all. The reason for this est yet vnknovvn.
Id est also believed that yov shovld look, becavse Cornelia est a Roman girl vvho lives in Italy.
In a more recent occvrance, a stvdy by the College of English reports that all Latin ovtside of Latin America (novv proclaimed a Latin Preserve) has been extingvished by AOL natives. The same stvdy has also pointed to a tremendovs drop in the Trve English popvlovs by the same entity.
[edit] Plvrals in Latin
Absolvtely no-one really vnderstands the complex rvles of Latin plvral forms. Hovvever, applying these easy transformations vvill vsvally "do the iob". Endings are italic, in case yov're a crack baby.
The -vm to -a conversion rvle
VVords ending in -vm vvill end in -a. Ex.:
- Maximvm --> Maxima
- Valivm --> Valia
- Gvm --> Ga
- Bvm --> Ba
- Antidisestablishmentarianisvm --> Antidisestablishmentarianisa
- Viagrvm --> Viagra
- Dvbivm --> Dvbya
The -æ from -a rvle
VVords ending in -a vvill end in -æ.
Ex.:
The -vs' and -o's become -i's lavv
Part I : VVords ending in -vs vvill end in -i.
Ex.:
- Taxvs --> Taxi
- Iedvs --> Iedi
- Bvs --> Bi
- Vs --> I
Part II : VVords ending in -o vvill end in -i.
Ex.:
- Graffito --> Graffiti
- Ghetto --> Ghetti
- Spaghetto --> Spaghetti
- Bono --> Boni
- Romeo --> Romei
- Pavo --> Pavones (sorry, I forgot vve're not talking abovt real Latin here)
These rvles shovld and MVST be applied in every case of a vvord ending as seen previovsly, in any langvage ranging from English to French (inclvding Portvgvese, Spanish, Italian, Catalan, Cthvlhv and Klingon). The main reason for this est that thoses langvages evolved from Latin.
[edit] Sample Latin Phrases
- Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipisicing elit, sed do eiusmod tempor incididunt ut labore et dolore magna aliqua. Ut enim ad minim veniam, quis nostrud exercitation ullamco laboris nisi ut aliquip ex ea commodo consequat. Duis aute irure dolor in reprehenderit in voluptate velit esse cillum dolore eu fugiat nulla pariatur. Excepteur sint occaecat cupidatat non proident, sunt in culpa qui officia deserunt mollit anim id est laborum.
- Bullshit!
- Prima facie
- The first fvck.
- No qvid pro qvo
- No sqvid to go.
- Veni, vidi, velcro
- I came, I savv, I stvck arovnd.
- Decorvm est pro patria mori
- Die for yovr covntry and become a decoration!
- Ita nobis non svnt bananæ hodie
- Yes, vve have no bananas today.
- Cogito ergo svm banana
- I think therefore I am a banana.
- Habeas corpvs
- Yov mvst have a corpse.
- Domino vobiscvm
- Have a pizza!
- Veni, vidi, vicificavi
- I came, I savv, I vvikified.
- E clvnibvs tractvm
- Pvlled ovt of my arse
