Kenny Rogers
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[edit] Origin
Kenneth Susan Rogers was born in Southnorthern Georgia. He was conceived when his father, Bubba Billy Bob Jay Clem Rogers, had illicit affairs with his mother/sister/niece, Jearldine Clem Bucktree. Ms. Bucktree carried the pregnancy to term and 9 months later, Kenny Bubba Billy Bob Jay Clem Rogers Jr. was born. Once he was born, a custody battle between Ms. Bucktree and Bubba Rogers ensued. Eventually Clem Rogers Sr. won custody due to Ms. Bucktree being a raging alcoholic and a well-known prositute. (Which explains why Kenny Rogers can consume copius amounts of alcohol without serious consequences.) Kenny was however, allowed to visit his mother every twenty years for two hours (Kenny called this time "when momma touches me specially").
When Kenny was 15, he was visited in a dream by Jack Daniels, the estranged brother of Charlie Daniels, who told him that he was destined to be a country artist. The next day, he made his first guitar, out of pine saplings and fishing net. He painted his guitar with paint made from strands of Dr. Phil's hair and urine.
[edit] Early Career
Kenny's music was not very well received at first. Kenny's lyrics were tainted with sexual experiences with his mother and a five-year old grizzly bear. Kenny's first song, "My Momma's Got Mr. Grizzly in Our Bed," was considered lude and deplorable, only favored among the grizzly and Ms. Bucktree. The grizzly and Ms. Bucktree would usually make love to Kenny while playing an old 45 of the song.
"My Momma's Got Mr. Grizzly..." was also the only song in Kenny's repitore for a long time. When singing the lyrics "Ooooh, and momma says spank me," crowds would usually throw corn pone in his hair and shout "Don'tcha talk bout that there personal life of mine." The reception to Kenny's song wasn't discouraging, however. He just tried again, thinking of new songs usually while playing with himself or his mother.
In 19274, Kenny wrote a new song called "Gunsmoke Starring James Dillon." The song was about a Texas Ranger who shot well known male prositute James Dillon. Some think that the Texas Ranger was really Chuck Norris.
The song was a hit and Chuck Norris cried about the song he was so happy (this is the only known incident where Chuck cried for more than one second). His tears were so big, they formed what is now known as Norris Lake in Northern Tenneessee. The song also landed Kenny a recording contract with George Jones Don't Need Your Rockin Chair Records, owned by George Jones and Wilford Brimley. George and Kenny became close friends and some think they had a homosexual relationship soon after. George and Kenny haven't responded about that claim.
[edit] Ridin Tall, Gamblin Tall
Soon after, Kenny's career took off. He recorded several other records during the years after. Here is the list.
- Front Porch Blues (1952)
- Songs To Make Love About To (1953)
- Geetar Slidin (1955)
- Love Songs(1958)
- Love Songs Part Two (1961)
- Mr. Grizzly Woods (1961)
- Wood For Momma (1962)
- The Gambler (1974)
- The (AMC) Rambler (1975)
- Kenny's Greatest Shits (1976)
- Kenny's Greatest Fits (1976)
- Kenny Rogers White Supremist Christmas (1978)
- The Gambler Part Two (1979)
- The (AMC) Rambler Part Three (1982)
- Country Folks Will Survive (Only In The Woods Wiping Their Ass With Leaves) (1983)
- Kenny Rogers Sings With Dolly Parton (While Oogling Her Boobs Drunk) (1985)
- Devil Went Up To Canada (1987)
- The (AMC) Rambler Part Two (Previously Unreleased) (1991)
- Songs About Smoked Meat Logs (1993)
- The Gambler (Remix) (1999)
- The Gambler (The Matrix Soundtrack Remix) (2000)
A well known song is "The Gambler," which is about Rogers's problems with gambling at casinos and strip joints. In the song, he tries to give himself advice so he won't lose his house and his stripper wife Fluffy on his next vacation.
Roger's brother, Kenny Loggins, loved the song and made it into a move in 1976. The first version of the movie, however, was a porno and was destroyed by rabid locusts sent by Wilford "God" Brimley because he thought it wasn't that hardcore. The movie was remade into a Western.
[edit] Career's Over, You Fuckin Hick. Go do a Goddam TV Show.
After The Matrix Remix version of "The Gambler" alienated fans, Kenny teamed up with Steve-O and Johnny Knoxville for a special version of Jackass, seen on the American Television show Mad TV and CMT. This show is known as Kenny Rogers' Jackass and lived to see two seasons. A popular segment is the Milk-Off.
