Jewish
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- Were you looking for The One True Religion? Then don't try Islam or Christianity either.
“They're not really Jews, just sort of jew-ish.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Jewish people
“Jew so crazy!”
~ Anonymous on Jewish people
“A Jew with a boner walks into a wall. What breaks? HIS NOSE!”
~ Hitler on Jewish people
“In Soviet Russia, Jewish man kills you!!”
~ Yakov Smirnoff on Jewish people
[edit] Living Jewishly
First of all, all Jewish people who are Jewish who live in Jerusalem all love webcams. It is the Jewish religion to go on cam and smile like Spongebob like the jew said. It should also be made adamant to all people of the Jewish religion and to anyone in the world for that matter that in the bible it states that vickie is by far the prettiest entity ever know to mankind. Jewish people are monotheistic unlike Christians. Jews have one God and Christians have 3. Please note that as you read the following article.
If you are a Jewish, would like to be a Jewish, plan to be Jewish or just want to claim you're a Jewish so you can take extra days off from work to cheat others of their money, you might want to live where Jewish people live, work and hang out, and study each others noses and compair them in size?. Some popular places to live include New York, New Jersey, Golders Green in London and California of the north and south, or (if you're a rebel) Avoda Zara. Or you could try dealing in gemstones. The Jewish people of Ohio deal with Gootch Pearls primarily. Lastly for over the hill Jews Boca Raton is the prime location for AARP charter members. Boca is also a great place for those solid gold oldies to hide their Secret Jew Gold. .
To be a true Jew, you must pick up as much change you find on the sidewalk as possible. And remember, the more kids you make, the more the likelihood of one of them being the Messiah!
[edit] Life Cycle Events
- Bris - Oh, look! A new Jew has hatched! (See also Yeowch!)
- Bar Mitzvah - A celebration of a boy becoming a man, which in reality is impossible because of the bris.
- Bat Mitzvah - A celebration of a girl becoming a bat.
- Marriage - See Death.
- Death
[edit] Major Holidays and Observances
[edit] Shabbat / S'Bath
The word Shabbat originated from misinterpreted lyrics introduced by tone-deaf singer Shaggy. This weekly wine and bread festival is goyishe Sean Connery's favourite holiday, mainly because the phrase Shabbat candles sounds so silly when said with a lispy Scottish accent.
Observant Jews look forward all week to Shabbat, aka Jewish Rapper/Hip-Hop Day, as it is said to welcome visits from either RuPaul or Chicago prison matron Queen Latifah, hence the saying "We welcome the Sabbath Queen." Additional Shabbat sightings have mentioned Jewish rappers 50 Shekel, Ju-pac, Remedy, Etan G., Matisyahu, Yoni, Hip Hop Hoodios, and Elvis, which symbolize the coming apocalypse. Some Cows are Jewish See Jewish Cows
During Shabbat, wine is served in plastic thimbles so no one can tell how much each Jew has had. A highly addictive narcotic called Challah bread is passed around for nibbling, presumably to cover wine breath and assist in passing any breath analyzer test. If you plan to attend Shabbat services and partake of the goodies, be extremely careful; the bread's poppy seeds might get stuck in your lower intestine and cause you to fail an employment drug test for opium.
An alternate irregular observance, as celebrated by all religions, is called S'Bath. It's the only time young boys are actually found cleansing their bodies without first being nagged by their mothers or gym teachers.
See also Sabbath.
[edit] Rush Ha Shaddup / Rush to Shoshanna
One of the High Holla Daze, Rush Ha Shaddup is a fraternity party for new or potentially new Jews, held each fall during Pledge Week. During this week, Jews pledge to not repeat the sins they committed the previous year, but of course, "boys will be boys." This day originated the phrase, "I Ain't No Holla Back Girl," in response to frat boys who wanted to gang bang a sorority chick.
An alternate holiday, Rush to Shoshanna is only celebrated by former sitcom stars trying to revive their stand-up comedy careers after committing adultery, marrying a divorcee and eventually alienating their fan base.
See also Rosh Hashanah.
[edit] Yum, Kippers!
Yum, Kippers! -- another of the High Holla Daze -- is the sacred day of self-reflection and self-denial for anorexic and bulimic debutante Jewesses, whereby no food can be eaten until one can fit into that gorgeous dress in the window at Bloomingdale's. At sundown, the bingeing and purging begins. Since a kipper is a fish and fish has less calories than beef or chicken, the Kipper has been chosen as the officially sanctioned food for "breaking the fast" after this holiday.
See also Yom Kippur. kosher boy
[edit] Suck Up
Suck Up, also known as the Festival of Inbreeding, Jews worldwide pretend to demonstrate how truly subservient and inferior they are to non-Jews. Jews move into a rickety shack in their backyard, eat fruit, gaze at the night stars, and give thanks for having a wonderful employer who understands everything. At the end of the week, the Suck Up Bunny appears with Kosher Easter eggs.
See also Sukkot.
[edit] Han Solo Ka / Chan E Ka
A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, Han Solo rededicated the Millennium Falcon and the Science Fiction Convention was born. During Han Solo Ka, children are given a new Star Wars toy each night for seven nights (eight nights in Long Island). Jelly doughnuts and potato pancakes in the shape of R2-D2 and C-3PO are eaten daily until you plotz. Young boys are given balloons twisted into the shape of lightsabers and pretend to fight in the Rebellion against the evil Emperor. The boys are encouraged to act out the final battle where legendary Maccabee Benjamin Cohon-Obi prevails. It's often rumoured that Harrison Ford appears, but this has been proven to be a publicity stunt designed to build attendance.
An alternate holiday, Chime In For Ya is celebrated by engaged couples, newlyweds and new parents, as an homage to mothers-in-law who have to have the final word on everything.
See also Hanukkah or even Chanukah, because one can never have too many different spellings.
[edit] Tubes in Vats
Tubes in Vats, also known as the Jewish version of Ann's Armoire Day or the New Year for Endangered Tropical Hardwood Trees, honours the preferred use of plastic. An awesome recipe for Jello Shots, with grape Jello, water and kosher Manischewitz wine, is consumed from vats filled with large quantities of plastic shot glasses, plastic hypodermic toy injectors or plastic turkey basters.
See also Tu B'Shevat.
[edit] Pour In / Poor Rim / Poor Him
Mistakenly nicknamed Jewish Mardi Gras or Jewish Halloween, Pour In is another meshugenah excuse to get shitfaced and dress up like an idiot. Perfectly respectable members of the adult community insist that their children don costumes to role play as sexually-repressed characters, whose names don't even appear in the Bible or Torah. Most frequently ignored figure: Queen Watch Me, who refused to strip for her husband.
Oddly, many children involved in this sadistic ritual grow up to become awesome Dungeons and Dragons players, or even gay. But the real purpose of Pour In is to keep the kids occupied while the so-called grown-ups down a bottle of whiskey or two.
Some adults use this holiday as a lame excuse to give gifts to people they forgot about at Chanukah. Most frequently presented gift: French impressionist paintings of small bulbous onion/garlic hybrids, also known as Shallot Manet.
An alternate holiday, Poor Rim is celebrated in honor of snare drum players who continually punctuate the comedy stylings of untalented Borscht Belt comedians.
Another alternate observance -- Poor Him -- is a day of thanksgiving. Jewish families sit around the table and discuss why they are thankful for their lives, because "God forbid! I should be like my neighbor. Now there's an unfortunate soul!" Types of people you should not want to be like include:
- Shlemiel - a clumsy guy
- Shlimazel - an unlucky guy
- Shvitzer - a sweaty guy
See also Purim.
[edit] Pass Over / Passed Over / Pass Out
Pass Over is a celebration of the low-carb diet, as invented by Chet Atkins who wanted to keep his fingers lean and nimble for picking guitar. Chet, whose birth surname was Atkinstein, is credited with promoting traditional values by forcing families to sit together during dinner for hours on end. For about a week, or until they can't stand it anymore, whichever comes first, Jewish families eat tasteless food devoid of leavened bread.
Prior to eating, elders tell creepy stories of oppression and oozing blood, insects found in one's pubes, Mad Cow Disease, festering skin eruptions, bad weather and lots of disgusting things designed to kill one's appetite. Strangely enough, after all of this, the most often used phrases are "Can we eat now?" and "Could you pass over the Matzoh, please? I'm still hungry." Diamond-hard dumplings, called Matzoh balls, lathered in a fatty soup broth, are consumed as a delicacy, but later regretted as they sit in one's stomach like rock.
Observant Jews and some Evangelical Chrisitians sing this solemn yet joyous hymn to commemorate the origins of this holiday: Passover Hymn Lyrics.
An alternate holiday, Passed Over commemorates disgruntled employees who bust their tuchas on the job but still haven't received that promised career-track promotion. The holiday is celebrated with PC worms and virus time bombs designed to kick-in after the worker is laid off and no longer able to log on each day.
See also Passover (as one word) or Pesach, for those who like the sound of phlegm.
[edit] Leg Boner
On the 33rd day after "Pass Over," this holiday of the post-Bar Mitzvah boy celebrates something, but I can't remember what. It's a weird holiday...you can count on it.
See also Lag B'Omer.
[edit] Yom BlogShoah / Yom Ham Sandwich
During the early part of the 21st century, the Thought Police and big corporations waged war against Freedom of Speech, causing the destruction of untold numbers of citizen journalists and their blog journals. Air-raid sirens sound for two minutes throughout the world in remembrance of the six million Bloggers who died in the Blogocaust in the summer of 2005.
An alternate holiday, observed only by Jews for Cheeses, is Yom Ham Sandwich. This holiday goes good with cheese.
See also Yom HaShoah, if you want to become really depressed.
[edit] Shove It
Also known as "Take This Job..." Week, during Shove It, Jews worldwide demonstrate how fed up they are working for someone else. Entrepreneurial Jews give notice to their employers and open a competing business.
This holiday also commemorates the anniversary of the giving of the 613 Recommendations to whomever would listen. The recommendations were later translated from Pig Latin, edited to comply with government censorship of the times, misinterpreted by uninterested third parties, then boiled down to a select ten. Of course, having just ten commandments to remember made it much easier to build the Viral Marketing Buzz needed for an effective religious campaign.
See also Shavuot.
[edit] Tissues Above
The official holiday of angst-ridden teens, Tissues Above is a day of utter sorrow for all who live Jewishly, for it marks the day of the destruction of the Lower East Side in 1066, AND the Upper West Side in 2101. Yes, somehow by coincidence, divine mandate, or simply convenience, sad things happened on the same date in two entirely different time periods. In either case, on those dates, it is said that tissues fell from the sky for all to wipe their tears and blow their snotty noses.
The entire day is spent crying, of course. Additional practices have surfaced in recent times, such as listening to emo music and lamenting on LiveJournal, Xanga, or any equivalent whine-forum.
- OMG MY SO CALLED FRENDS DICHED ME AND NOW MOMS BEING A BITCH!!!!1 - Lamentations 3:5
See also Tisha B'Av.
[edit] Simply Tori
Simply Tori is the last day of the ridiculously long holiday season which began with Rush Ha Shaddup. It's also called the Feast of Rejoicing, which is kind of redundant, since you're already rejoicing whenever you're eating so what's that all about? In honor of drama queen and former rhinoplasty patient Tori Spelling, Simply Tori celebrates the giving of the same cockmamie law to the Jews, as if one holiday weren't enough. The primary law observed is that "they shalt have nose jobs." By the way, how many religions do you know celebrate the establishment of rules, with not one, but two holidays? Oy, as if I'm not busy enough!
See also Simchat Torah.
[edit] The Ultimate Jewish weapon
If you have ever seen the Hebrew Hammer (the Jewish flick where Adam Goldberg wears really really tight pants... I mean really really tight pants) you will know that the ultimate Jewish weapon is... complaining! It is physically impossible for a Jew to not complain. See there is something in a Jew's chemistry that if they don't complain, at least ten times a day, they will EXPLODE!!! I'm NOT JOKING... I had a friend once, typical JEW, We bet her a dollar that she could not talk for a day. Sadly, she Exploded during Math. (I am Jewish so everything I say isn't bad!!!)
[edit] The intersection of Jewish and Unitarian Universalism
Unitarian Universalists (UUs) are Protestants that got so carried a way with trying not to be dogmatic that many Christians told them they cannot be Christian any more. That, and they think Jesus was simply a good Jewish boy who got spectacularly martyred for understanding things like the right answer to “Am I my brother’s keeper?” as apposed to being one of three parts of God.
Now that being Christian is optional, UUs will listen to the other religions of the world with an open mind. This makes UUism a serious drain on the ranks of the Jewish intelligentsia. They do not make them stop being Jewish. That would be against the UU religion and would be like trying to make homosexuals stop being gay. No, the real problem is they are missed back at the synagogue. Fortunately, the two religions usually hold weekly services on different days, so being bi-religious is a serious option. That, and it also gives UUs the opportunity to have Jewish culture explained at interesting Sunday services on the same weeks as important Jewish holidays. UUs now know such things as how many candles there are in a menorah and that people will even come to blows as to how to light them properly. Also, all the extra holidays make UU Sunday school much more interesting, such as getting to play with those cool little four sided tops and getting those coins the same color as dollar coins, but with chocolate in them.
[edit] Little Known Facts
- Congregation memberships require a note from a recognized rhinoplasty surgeon, testifying to the prior existence of a protruding proboscis, plus a written pledge to never sport a skull cap in public, even while driving to Friday night services.
- In order to attend Rosh Hashanah or Yom Kippur services while visiting relatives in Tucson, you need a written referral from your Primary Care Synagogue. You can also substitute a written referral from a Jewish celebrity like Adam Sandler, Leonard Nimoy or Jason Alexander.
- Jewish people don't believe in the concept of hell after death, being quite familiar with hell on earth in the form of Jewish mothers.
- Snoop D-O-double Gizzle Speak is actually another form of Yiddish, but badder.
- Jewish people are the superior race of the planet, clearly. WWII was fought on jealousy. Most average mortals do not recognize the greatness of the Judes. Only truly enlightened people, Buddhists, Chinese, and certain americanized-vegetarian-hindus can actually see the awesomeness emanating from each and every jewish person. Amen, and mazel tov.
- Jewish people can fly.
- The Jewish Circumcision is a celebrated practice. Only once in history has a circumcision gone wrong. This was the case with Aaron Dailey. Aaron was young, and well, he squirmed a bit, and now he is a little irregular compared to the other boys.
- The whole yamulka idea is based off the PALE tradition of making one's head appear larger.
- Jewish people fell in love with Chinese food after realizing they were the only places open on Christmas. Pork schmork!
- The Jewish people can be used as a unit of measurement,for example most cars will do 200 jews to a gallon on average( i.e.you will pass this many jews in the time taken to use 1 gallon of fuel) note that this number dramatically increases near banks and "jew farms" a.k.a synagogues
- Jews can be cool. Sometimes.
- Jews got gold, bronze and silvers named after them Jewleries
[edit] Christians on the Jewish
- Why is it that a Rabbi can go out and bang some pussy but a priest can't?
- So what if I'm Catholic? A Bar Mitzvah is a good opportunity to get drunk, get laid and not worry about it.
- Hitler is a very nice man, he's just totally insane and murderous.
- What's up with Israel? You invade Arab land when there's plenty of it in Canada!
- I don't believe in circumcision and... what are you doing with those scissors? Put those scissors away! What are you going t-OOOOOOWWWWWWWWWW SHIT THAT HURTS!!!!
- He's our god too now!
