Hockey
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- For the game played by loyal fans, see Ice Warfare.
~ You on Canadians invading your hockey rink
“I'm not wearing hockey pads!”
~ Batman on Hockey
Hockey is a popular Canadian style of street fighting. Due to African American dominance of other sports, caucasions have made sure to protect hockey from them at all costs, due to a threat made by chris rock "once they make a heat hockey rink were takin that shit to" the NHL has decided to remove all heaters from NHL rinks to stop this from happening. It lost its luster in the 1990's and is now bringing in ratings lower than "Bingo Live!" on ESPN the Ocho. No one cares about hockey.
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Rules of Play
Hockey is fought between two groups of 6 fighters, although coaches are actively encouraged to cheat by adding more. Drunken fighters are worth triple points. Each team consists of:
| *1 Centre | *2 Wingers | *2.3 Willem Dafoes | *2 Astronauts | *1 Goaltender |
| *1 Lawyer | *1 Seeker | |||
| *5 Eskimos | *1 Wayne Gretzky | |||
| *2 amorfos | *1 EMO | |||
| *1 bernersito | *1 Chinese citizen named Yan Chu | |||
| *3 baseball bats | *4 or more Canadians | *3 courier du bois (oui oui!) |
The object is to kill all enemy fighters. When all fighters of one team have died, they can be replaced by supporters, at which point the object becomes to kill all supporters. The fight consists of three periods of 17 minutes and 9 seconds. In certain games less then 3 periods are needed to determine the victor. In the event of a tie, a final "Puck-Off" occurs, in which breaking the opposing team's teeth becomes the primary goal. J'aime les penis.
A secondary object is to score Goals. In the event that both teams lose all fighters and supporters, the team that has most goals loses the game. A tertiary object is not to kill the Referee, although this is mostly honorific and no awards are given for it.
Before fights in Detroit, a squid is often thrown onto the ice. It tries to devour as many enemy fighters as possible. There have been questions about the honorability of this practice but it is allowed because they are Detroitizoidical.
Equipment Required
Each fighter is given a light sabre, except for the lawyers, who have guns.
The wearing of body plating is optional but many fighters have shields powered by generators on Forest moons. Ewoks are forbidden. Eskimos are allowed to use their pet polar bears, but only if they comply with NHL regulation (at least 650 pounds and over the age of 5) and are not actually two or more Ewoks duct taped together. Any eskimo found violating this rule will forfeit the aforementioned bear/compound Ewok.
Controversy
America and Hockey.. America = More money. Less Talent. Buy from the Canadians.
Canadians and Hockey.. Canada = Less money. More talent. Sell the worst to America. Unless you're in Edmonton. (Trade the good players away for a bad deal that will kill your team)
There have been rumors about the "League" which supposedly abducts small children and then transforms them into meat puppets. These meat puppets have roughly the same amount of skill as an American Hockey player.
Hockey and Beer, the most wonderful of combinations. Funny to watch and fights occur very often. The boards which surround the rink aren't designed to stop the puck from hitting people. It's to stop people from beating the crap out of players and ref's.
Another great thing about hockey is Rassentrasser. I never have to do any more work in corners. I hate Rassentrasser now. I tryed to take canned pears and he stole my YOP. It made me mad.
History
The very first modern hockey players were the infamous Migtyous Powerus Rangers (Not to be confused with the New York Rangers, New York Islanders, New yorks fo 'shizzles or whatever) in 1967, because it is most obviously the coolest year of that decade. At first, people went to them mainly because they thought they were at a boxing match, but then a hockey game broke out. The story continues from there.
Famous Hockey Players
There are a few famous Ice Hockey players. They are:
- Willem Dafoe
- The Great One. I met him once. He was great.
- GOD - AKA Roberto Luongo: The Vancouver Canucks Saviour
- The Pretty Good but not quite as Splendid as the Other Chap One. This is my doberman candy
- The Meh One.
- Dan Cloutier
- The Russian Planet.
- Patrick Stefan
- Derek Boogaard
- The Pocket Rocket. He's not just happy to see you.
- The Dominatrix
- Moe Wanchuk, defenceman, Charlestown Chiefs, who once left a game to drink at The Palm Isle
- Mali from badgers
- All those guys missing teeth
- Andy Gill, inventor of the mullet
- Zob Rimmel
- Some fat dude
- Al Jourgensen, former Chicago Blackhawks centre
- Kip Dynamite
- The Guy from Sunnyvale Trailer Park
- Sergé Lucienne LaFrenchie
- Dat Drugy
- Happy Gilmour, who left hockey for a carrer in swearing/golf
- Q fiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeel.... Lynger
- La gente Gangsta
- pierre tu vida pierre
- bernersito
- That one guy from the killers
- Vish
- Aidan C.
- Lomaoasjk Speausidhb, he started as a flute player
- Ken Dryden, the alter ego of Jason Voorhees
- Gary Bettman - aka PeeWee Herman
- Don Cherry, who dresses like a cross between Captain Kangaroo and Liberace
- Bull
- Laurie Forde
- Jon Koller
- Andrew Do
- Andrew Don't
- Andrew W.K.
- Chris Miller
- Kip Miller
- That guy that likes to fight
- Bobby, oar was it just Bob?
- Todd Bretuzi A.K.A Todd Breast's Who craked his own neck of while steve moore Is giving him a blowdrop
- Pat LalalalalalalalalalalalalaFontaine
- The Hanson Brothers
- Gordy!
- Tie Domi
- Reggie Dunlop, greatest player/coach the game ever has ever seen. Known to fuck his opponent's big tittied wives and announce to everyone on the ice that she's a dyke.
- Your Mum
- My Mum
- Your friend's Mum
- Sergie Fedorov, the first Russian to elude the communist Swine Richard Nixon and join the NHL
- BONK!
- John Kordic and his posse
- Antonio Trujillo (team saudi arabia)
- Lisa Simpson
- Brian Schwenk (a.k.a. Schwenkydenk)
- Tom "Old Balls" Fullerton
- Phil "I'm Phil" Strauss
- Enrique Gunter Garland Priegnitz.....
- Seabass
- Eliot Jacobs!!!!!
- Steve Irwin
- Miroslav Satan
- Tonya Harding
Famous Black Hockey Players
Yeah didn't think so
See Also
- Don Cherry
- NHL
- National Hockey League.. this one's different!
- Montreal Canadiens
- Ottawa Senators
- Red Wings
- Toronto Maple Leafs
- Stanley Cup
- Hockey Night in Canada
