Helen Clark
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| Periods in office: | December 5, 1999–present |
| Predecessor(s): | Adolf Hitler, Mao Zedong |
| Successor(s): | Some liberal lesbian |
| Date of birth: | February 26, 1950 in the flames of Mount Doom, Mordor |
| Political party: | Labour |
The Right (actually left) dishonourable Helen Elizabeth Clark (born February 26, 1950) has served as Prime Minister of New Zealand since December 1999. He was the first prime minister who is yet to invade a neighboring landmass (see Australia). He has completed two extremely unsuccessful terms, and he is presently running an even more unsuccessful term.
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Early Life
The name comes from the ancient derivation 'hellos' (meaning hell) and 'enos' (meaning in), giving Helen Clark (meaning hell in Clark).
There are various theories about the origin of Helen Clark. These include:
- anti-Evolutionary mutation. Divergent speciation resulting from voodoo breeding rituals between a boar and a man, leading to a genetic miracle: the rottweiler baby. Helen Clark was born. All hail.
- Dental conspiracy. A man-made creation born from 1950 NZ Orthodontist's Association conference, under the call for a "walking advertisement for braces". Subsequently fearful parents have malnourished their families to pay for the correcting of non-existent crooked teeth in order to save the children from what is described as the "Blair Witch Smile" and the "Smile of Hell(en)".
Clark received his/her education at Te Pahu Primary School, Epsom (undefined sex) Grammar School in Auckland and the University of Orcland, where she studied social engineering and graduated with a MEng(Hons). She was also awarded an honourary doctorate in Masculinity (D.V.Big.Penis). He/she went to become one of New Zealand's most successful social engineers, constructing his/her own election to Parliament in 1981 thanks to an innovative new fabrication technique that extended the vote to millions of sheep.
2005 Election
Beating National by one and a half votes in the last elections, there has been considerable upset over an extra 1.5 billion spent on her complain, slogans like "Vote Labour or Date Helen" and allegations that she let out hardened criminals to vote, replacing them with National campaign managers in top secret Helengrad prison referred to as Helenanamo Bay.
Prime Minister
Clark is the first prime minister who is yet to disclose his/her gender. Contrary to his/her party's continual insistence, his/her lack of feminity and unusual levels of testosterone, he/she is one of sixteen transsexuals currently in parliament, and only one of 169 people in New Zealand who are legally bound to tick two boxes in the gender section of the census. A theory has also be proposed whereby Clark is considered to be a till-now thought to be extinct species of gorilla. This species was thought to be unable to differentiate between male and female and bred with other species freely. He/she has completed two successive unsuccessful terms, and he/she is presently running another term of total transexual domination of New Zealand. It is not sure whether it is phallic envy or mammaric envy that drives his/her continual prosmicuities.
Personal Interests
- Sodomy
- Stabbing babies and people who don't vote for him/her
- Posing for Dykes on Bikes Magazine
- Eating faeces and smearing it on his/her teeth
- Sado Masochism
- Her fake marriage
- Hacking at his/her teeth with a chisel
- Showing off her chiseled abs
- Swapping notes on world domination with The Kintiser
- Urinating on Don Brash
- Urinating him/her/itself
- His/her secret plan to turn New Zealand into the next Weimar Republic
- Giving tax payers money to dole bludgers, hippies and other bastards that dont deserve it
- Increasing Taxes
- Blinding people who look at him/her
- Ancient myths and legends about famous dyke monsters (see Medusa )
- Saving half drunken cups of tea in the fridge
- Pube fashion
- Reading Mein Kampf and 1984
- Tucking back his weiner
Achievements
Helen Clark's term as Prime Minister has seen New Zealand petrified with fear by his/her totalitarian regeme, unprecedented growth in absurd taxes and an exponential rise in the amount of people practicing coprophilia. New Zealand continues to have an extremely high per capita sheep ratio, the highest among industrial nations. Clark is also widely credited with praying to the devil (along with her arsehole cronie, Michael Cullen ) ,starting fights with the highly intelligent members of the National Party, and sending taxis instead of police to people who are about to die instead of police officers.
Helen Clark was eligible to win the 2005 'who hates this bitch' award, but instead won the 'most hideous rug muncher award', of which she has been crowned the last 10 consecutive years.
Criticism
Helen Clark's leadership style has been criticised as totalitarian and fanatically socialist by a range of right-wing geniuses and the general population of New Zealand. This is also a criticism of his/her government's policies — such as the ban on heterosexual flirting in bars — which has been described as social engineering by people with an IQ in single-figures. Clark has responded to these critics by consigning them all to Helengrad, a suburb of West Auckland.
During her time as Prime Minister he/she has been involved in several controversies:
- Thomas Crown affair. Clark signed for charity a painting that he/she did not paint. This scandal emerged when some fruity art group noticed that the painting was not hideous enough to be painted by Helen Clark. There have also been rumours that she was seen in the Louvre signing the Mona Lisa, a famous painting of a French lesbian.
- Taladega Nights: The Legend Of Helen Clark. An official motorcade carrying Helen Clark was seen going 500kmph and broke the land speed record, creating a jetstream which killed several farm animals. This was all because the cow was late for a rugby match.
- The Tunaface affair. Helen has been criticized for not coming out and being honest with the public about her girlfriend Judith Tizard. Whom she is often seen cuddling.
