Guantanamo Bay
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“The hospitality of the Hilton Hotel combined with the secrecy of a Swiss bank account”
~ Oscar Wilde on Guantanamo Bay
Guantanamo Bay is a world-class resort located on the Island of Cuba, where young tourists go to enjoy fun-filled and highly-rated activities such as water boarding. Current vacationing residents of Guantanamo Bay are known "enemy combatants" or terrorism suspects, which are well-known misnomers.
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[edit] Ownership and business model
It is run by a select group of high-ranking government officials, backed by the sexed up llamas and the communazis. Ingeniously, the administrators of Guantanamo Bay have made the outside world believe that it is actually a prison camp, where prisoners are continuously tortured and humiliated. By doing so, they have managed to keep the poor Cuban population of mushrooms and illegal Pakistani immigrants away, thus keeping the immense luxury of the exclusive resort to a select group of mostly royal Saudi, Pakistani and Al-Qaeda origins. The American airline CIAirways is one of the most popular budget airlines which Guantanamo Bay vacationers take.
[edit] Facilities
Guantanamo Bay features the best and most luxurious facilities of all the summer camps available for tourists. It features beautiful single bed rooms with amazing privacy, so good that you'll forget that others are staying near you. With on site security everywhere, you'll never have to worry about being harmed during your stay, just give a shout and they'll be along to sort the situation. Among the world class facilities are psychologists trained to help you let everything out, their methods are comforting and designed to help put you and your mind to rest. Members of the resort may leave whenever they want, and few of them ever leave the resort, in testimony to its tourist appeal.
Guantanamo Bay also boasts an array of cutting edge fun rides and exercise equipment, designed to help tourists to release their inhibitions. Activities include an upside down water ride, early morning chats, razor-wire scaling, and dodge-bullet.
[edit] Origins of Name
Its name comes from an edible yogurt made out of bat guano- a delicacy in this region. Over the last couple of years, Osama bin Laden has been known to visit the exclusive resort on several occasions, apparently to relax from his demanding job as enemy of the entire western world. Security reports suggest that he was joined by Fidel Castro, Kim Jong-Il and Oprah Winfrey in order to discuss plans for world domination, as well as playing some bridge.
Ronald McDonald has a life long contract as an entertainer on Guantanamo Bay. "Shows every day will make people talk", an official spokesperson says.
[edit] Recreation at Guantanamo
The residents of Guantanamo enjoy various forms of entertainment:
[edit] Water Boarding
A favorite ride among the residents is the log flume, also known as 'water boarding'. At the top of a long water slide, the resident grabs a boogie board, and rides it down the slide. This ride is popular during Cuba's hot summer.
[edit] Hot-Cold Shock Rooms
In Nordic countries, people stay in saunas, then jump out and roll in the snow. This energizes them, and helps their circulation. Though Cuba has no natural snow, the residents of Guantanamo can enjoy this same experience year-round.
[edit] Cock Meat Sandwich
Most residents spend one hour a day feasting on the world renowned 'cock meat sandwich.' Despite the sensuality insinuated by the name, it is in fact nothing more than a buff chick sandwich on italian served with fries on the side and a cup of ranch. One could easily and delightfully find oneself a 'cock meat sandwich' at a local sports bar, subway or friday's.
[edit] Hockey
A favorite spectator sport of the residents is hockey. Once, the employees (occasionally called 'guards') could not find the hockey puck, so they replaced it with an old Arabic book that they had laying around. The skill and grace of that match is still talked about today.
[edit] Feeding tubes
Eating competitions are also popular among the residents. A 'super sucker' tournament was once organized, where residents were encouraged to suck four ounces of their favorite flavor of Jello through two-foot long 'feeding tubes' (really, just bendy-straws.)
[edit] Relaxing Electroshock Therapy
At Guantanamo Bay, tourists are often pleasurably shocked at their genitals with 5000 watts of electricity.
[edit] Chained to walls
Guantanamo offers ultimate privacy. Anything in Guantanamo stays in Guantanamo. At the whispers of a group of residents with, ahem, different interests, the employees set up a small dungeon with quick-release chains, whips made of bunny fur, and lots of feathers. The happy gasps from that special room last long into the night.
[edit] Neck-Only Rope Swing
Another entertaining activity to be found at this wonderful resort is Neck-Only Rope Swing. The objective of this activity is for a group of tourists to stand on one side of a large gap, fasten a rope around their necks, and to see who can swing to the opposite side the fastest. This is very therapeutic for the muscles in the neck, stretching and massaging them at the same time.
[edit] Interesting Facts
- Guantanamo was also the infamous location for the hit TV show, Guantanamo Baywatch.
- The Guantanamo Bay City Rollers performed there from 1987 through 1993.
- The famous nursery rhyme Guantanamo Bay Bay Black Sheep sings of this gentle, kind location.
- Brett Favre resides her now after retiring from football. He says, quote, "I like the name.."
