Food

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This article will be eaten by a crazy fat kid. Run away!

An example of food being eaten.

Food is a substance that you consume far too much of, and consequently should stop entirely. All those friends who spend hours convincing your fat ass over the phone while you sob uncontrollably that you aren't actually fat and have a very serious problem are actually laughing their (attractive) asses off at you behind your back. Clearly you're in some sort of nihilistic denial over an obvious fact and are pretty likely to turn emo on us and go out to all the gay bars looking for some sort of comfort to fill that dreaded hole in your life. Actually, I guess you already found something to fill that hole in the form of about 40,000 calories worth of McDonald's a day, so why don't you just pop a little something in the microwave and read the rest of the article, fatty?

Mentos soup, a very typical dinner plate. Don't drink Diet Coke with it.

After its invention by the beautiful Johna Gonzalez in 1899, Food was widely acclaimed to be one of the greatest inventions of the century. It has been described as sustenance among the unenlightened. It has some crude nutritional value, but it is far inferior in taste, texture, and appearance to rubber, which is the preferred diet of the enlightened.

It has, however, been known to include more sophisticated petroleum-based contents, most prevalently in the variety of food called "KFC" (Kentuckistan's Finest Crude) made by the manufacturers of Kentuckistan Jelly.

The holiest of all food is Pie, as revealed by the JoJo, prophet of the religion Pieism. He revealed that the whole universe is in fact one huge pie.

In honour of the usefulness of food a country in Eastern Europe was named after it. The nation of Food should not and will not be confused with regular food.

According to Helge's Law, there is a simple way to find out whether food is healthy or not: if it tastes good, it is unhealthy; if bad, it's healthy.

Food has generally been considered a quite conservative dresser, most foodstuffs preferring to go with the flow rather than make a big fuzz out of itself. Therefore it is highly likely that your average Joe and Jane food wears camouflage or jackets of invisibility. A great contrast to this is Chinese food which stands out as a freakish kind of food with so little self-esteem that it is usually found wearing highly exaggerated clothing to make up for its weak ego.

[edit] How To Consume

This food may require many steps to be eaten...

Eating is an easy process done by most humans (70% by Americans alone), but it may be hard for some people who are either Anorexic or Bulimic.

Prepare food - this might be as simple as grabbing an apple or as complicated as cooking a feast.
Open mouth - Depending on the size of your mouth or the size of the food, you might want to slightly open your mouth or open it till it bleeds.
Put the food (or object) into your mouth - but not too far because that may lead to bleeding or choking. You might need the aide of a utensil (fork, spoon)
Close mouth - you do not want food falling (or flying) out of your mouth.
Chew - You can chew fast or slowly or any way you would like to.
Swallow - but not until all the food in your mouth is completely, thoroughly chewed.
Go back to step 2 - repeat everything until all food is consumed.

See, eating is not as hard as you thought. Enjoy. :)

[edit] History Of Food

Since its introduction, food has been held in reverence by humankind.

Many historians and scientists agree that the history of food started around 2000 years ago, when single-celled life forms turned amino acids into proteins to grow. This has been seen as an altogether bad move, as if we didn't eat, there would be less killing in the world today. Nowadays, single-celled life forms aren't so picky, and they'll eat things other than amino acids. By the mid-1700s vegan hunting had replaced kitten huffing as a major source of protein for the peasantry. Soon, the French introduced "Aristocrats and Sauce" as a major lifestyle choice for the formerly starving set.

[edit] Politics

Food is my thing

Food was a country in Eastern Europe bordering Belarus and China in the 15th century. It was founded by Dr. Mario on a foundation of what appeared to be medicine cabinets. Upon the break-up of the Soviet Union, Food was split into the countries of Turkey, Hungry, Greece, and Malaysia.

Food is a DELICIOUS FUZZY MONSTER.
Food conquered the Ottoman empire in 1679 and dubbed it Turkey. While Food's enemy remains hungry, Hungary still fires nuclear missiles at Iraq claiming America is responsible for the Black Plague and the Great Famine. They may have a point here...
The main export of Food is food.
Popular musicians in Food are Wild Cherry and the Honeydrippers.yo man

[edit] Controversy

Through once considered healthy and a main ingredient of the original Coca-Cola, recent studies have shown that food is highly addictive. Women who eat food during pregnancy run a serious risk of passing the addiction along to their children, as well as birth defects such as general smallness of the infant. Withdrawal from food is severe and can even result in death. Due to the dangerous nature of food, it is now commonly eaten only by kings, the only men strong enough to withstand its effects.