Flash Gordon
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Flash Gordon
“"Flash!... AAAAAAAHHH!"”
~ Freddie Mercury on Flash Gordon
Flash Gordon (born 1927) was the worlds' first gay superhero as well as the first American quarterback to take on a Chinese ambassador.
At present, he is semi-retired as the worlds' oldest astronaut.
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[edit] Childhood
Born and raised in a cardboard box as the son of a crime fighter in New Jersey, Flash was educated at Duke U and became an amazing rapist for the lacrosse team, flirting with the water-boy. he banged him behind the score board. ;]
Over time, Flash tried to keep his homosexuality quiet to maintain his manly image and thus to attract more admirers. One of these was newspaper reporter Dale Arden, who wrote fake stories for the Daily Bugle in New York. Despite his preference to men, Flash came to like Dale and the two became friends.
[edit] Ming the Merciless
Heading to Austria in a secret attempt to flirt with a teenage Arnold Schwarzenegger, Flash (and Dale) met Dr. Hans Alexei Zarkov, who was working on a spaceship that would have working toilets rather than for passengers to use a bucket.
With Flash attracted to Zarkov, they agreed to be mock-passengers on the first flight, and went on the first flight of Zarkovs' spaceship until making a forced landing in China, where they were detained by servants to scrap with the Evil-Space-Jew Gang Leader Ming "the Merciless" Pyong; a Chinese ambassador from Mongo (Don't see Mongolia), who hoarded Opium filled Chinese children for personal use.
Ming declared Zarkovs' ship as his own personal craft, and Dale his 47th wife. However, Flash seduced Ming while Dale and Zarkov escaped, and returned with a battalion of the United States Air Force. Before Ming could rape Flash, Flash escaped from the Palace as it was bombed into non-existence, and saved China from a tyrannical drug-addict.
However, the truth was glossed over when Dale Arden reported that the conflict had taken on the planet Mongo instead of China, and General Barin of the Air Force was Prince Barren, the rightful ruler of Mongo. Since then, Flash has been regarded by a deceived public as a space hero.
[edit] Alternate versions
Flash Gordon is unique as having so many alternate copycats and rip-offs, who all prance about in leotards unashamedly. To name a few:
- Flesh Gordon - The randiest man in the Galaxy, accompanied by Dale Ardor and Dr. Flexi Jerkoff and fought Wang the Perverted.
- Trash Gordon - From the planet Garr-Bijj and is friends with Dale Odour and Dr. Stinkov.
- Splash Gordon - A cartoon duck looking rather like Daffy Duck. With the help of Quail Arden and Dr. Barkov, he fights against Chav thug, Bling the Brainless.
- Fish Gordon - Just smells and swims...boring.
- Flush Gordon - Quite literally a lot of shit.
- Crash Gordon - A spoof starring Bugs Bunny, Slappy Squirrel and Chuck Norris on The Slappy Squirrel Show.
- Captain Valedor - Some other astronaut obsessed with spandex.
- Star Johnson - Conceited little prick with a funny haircut.
- Flash Megaton - Works at Sector 7-G in the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant
[edit] Space Serials
Against Flashs' wishes, a string of serials were produced based on Dales' stories, featuring Buster Crabbe as Flash. These included:
- Chocula - A serial appealing to kids in a conspiracy to make dental bills rise
- Pop Tarts - Not strictly a serial, but very tasty
- Flash Gordons' Trip to Mars - Tasted of old cine-film
- Lucky Charms - Very Irish and very delicious
[edit] Future
Only Flesh Gordon has gone further into the new millennium than Flash, but since then, Flash has returned to football while waiting for death to hurry up.
