Fire
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“Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, set a man on fire and he won't feel cold for the rest of his life. ”
~ Terry Pratchett on fire
“How curious. When I hold this "fire" to my face I feel a painful sensation surging through my nerves.”
~ Captain Obvious on fire
“Ahhhhhhhh!!! IT BURNS!!! AAARRRGG-”
~ You on fire
Fire is undoubtedly the most important invention of our time. It was invented in about -17000 B.C. by famous American inventor Thomas Edison who, at the time, went by the simple yet eloquent name of Ugg. This privative genius perfected what is known far and wide as the universal problem solver. Fire holds the official title of the greatest thing before sliced bread. Fire is cheap, easily accessible, and one of the best creations of all time.
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[edit] A Brief History of Fire
While Ugg the Mastermind perfected fire, he did not create it. In fact, man had nothing to do with the original taming of the wonder substance at all. Numerous theories abound about how fire came to be in the possession of mere mortals, including the wildest hypotheses, ranging from "aliens did it" to "lightning struck a tree" to "flying narwhals"--But the truth is far different. Prometheus, possessor of stupidity foresight, descended from Mount Olympus to give man a gift of the Gods. He stole this Fire from Arthur Brown, who is the God of Hell Fire. Man, being still a total n00b in this harsh world, promptly killed himself while misusing fire. Zeus's anger at Prometheus was kindled, and he chained him to a mountain where crows would descend upon him and devour his kidneys for eternity. Or something like that. Eventually, Ugg came to learn of this fire and taught himself how to wield it, becoming a master firewielder. (He did so because he misplaced his club in his pile of mammoth hides.) His first use of fire was to set his shrewish, nagging wife ablaze. For decades after, the sole use of fire was to whack an annoying spouse. However, Ugg realized its true potential--fire was the universal problem solver, and could be used in any shituation. From that day forward, fire took a place in the lives of humans, never to be replaced.
[edit] Fire--The Universal Problem Solver
From the early days of fire when wife-burning was insanely popular, to today where it is still very widely used, fire has expanded its repertoire of uses. In fact, fire can be used for any situation, any time. ANY situation. Say you're being chased by rioting French Eco-Nazis AND radioactive flying weasels AND zombie bananas from the Hindenburg full of Asshelium AND gay faggot cows from planet OinkLlamaSprinkleWinkleWhee AND giant bouncy fossilized titanium balls AND protesting army solidiers in Iraq threatening to cause Armageddon by the use of stainless steel mine grenades placed in the Great Pyramid and Niagra Falls and the 7 wonders AND fat midget ass-shaped aliens from Uranus. Fire can ease your plight. Hungry? Try fire, you'll find it rather spicy. Looking for a good time? "Come on baby, light my fire." Someone committed heresy? Fire specializes in witch burnings (and teacher burnings).If you want to make anything extreme, add fire. Extreme football? Light the football on fire. Extreme jump-roping? Light the jumprope on fire. Extreme studying? Light the nerds on fire. Got fired? Fire the fuckin bitch back (with all your power, get a big bad-ass superpower flamethrower and TORCH the fuckin bitch!!!). Tsunami? Ha ha, yer screwed. However, these are all secondary uses. The most important function of fire is to kill yourself with.
obviously...
[edit] So...Pretty...
Beautiful fire ... glow ... so pretty ... such beauty ... orange light dances across my face ... warms my soul to the very core ... dancing ... seduction ... its light ... it draws me in ...
flickers innocently ... tempting me ... such beauty ... warmth caresses me ... caresses my face ... her beauty ... would that it be mine ... dare I ... dare I caress her sweet Fire, I'll take you to burn. Fire, I'll take you to learn. I'll see you burn! You fought hard and you saved and learned, but all of it's going to burn. And your mind, your tiny mind, you know you've really been so blind. Now 's your time burn your mind. You're falling far too far behind. Oh no, oh no, oh no, you gonna burn! Fire, to destroy all you've done. Fire, to end all you've become. I'll feel you burn! You've been living like a little girl, in the middle of your little world. And your mind, your tiny mind, you know you've really been so blind. Now 's your time burn your mind, you're falling far too far behind.flame ... dare I caress her back ... yes ... oh, yes ... It feels ... it feels so ... So ... cooold....?
[edit] ARGH!!!!
AAUGH! Hot, hot, hot, AAAAAAAAA! ARRGGH! How can something so right feel so wrong!? Oh, ow, ow, ow, GHAAAAA!!!! Off, off, Get it off, Aaaaaaaarrgggh!!! The pain, oh, AAAAA! It BURNSSS! Get it off! ARRGGHH! GAA! Help, help, the fire! it hurts me! Fire! My skin charring, pain! Oh, pain! Fire! Fire! Oh, pain, hot, HOT, HOT!!!!! AAA!!!!! Please, make it stop! Make the pain stop!!!! AARRGGH! No! No! Stop the burning!!! Stop it! Hurts... please... it BURNS!!! My face, on fire!! Oh, make it STOP!
