Final Fantasy
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“I personally don't see how having the word "Final" in the title means that having eleven sequels is contradictory.”
~ Square Enix worker on Final Fantasy
“In Soviet Russia, too many sequels make YOU!!”
~ Russian Reversal on Square Enix
“HAY GUYZ!! U KNO WHUT BE K00L IF IN BRAWL WE COULD HAV FROM FINAL FANTASY SEVAN. HEHHEHEHEHEH...”
~ Average Final Fantasy Nerd on Super Smash Bros Brawl
Final Fantasy is a stage in the process of death in which pleasant memories are released from deep inside the brain. In its state of death, the brain lacks processing power, and really doesn't want to waste its energy by telling the body that what they're thinking of is fake, so they just go ahead and say that it's real. It's kind of a last "Fuck You" to the person that's been pushing them around for so long. Some people call it karma but they're just lying. After 12 games, one would believe that the FINAL fantasy should have occurred 345.8965 billion years ago. We all await the magical, incredible, wonderful day when this pointless RPG comes to an end. 9/10 dentists believe the FINALMOST fantasy shall occur in the year 7 896 435.
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[edit] Final Fantasy Improving The World
Final Fantasy has lead to many if not most of the myths on death in the modern time.
- Light At The End of the Tunnel - Many people believe that this light at the end of a tunnel is what happens when you are about to die, and that going towards the light will cause you to die. This is absolutely not the cause whatsoever (trust me). This rumor was created by a group of dim-witted masochists who spent their dying moments dictating to their friends what they were experiencing. Although they thought they were looking at a light down a tunnel, they were actually experiencing a final fantasy based on an operation that they had many years ago after building up an immunity to the anesthesia.
- Family Members Waiting - Clearly an example of Final Fantasy in which non-masochists (see above) recall pleasant times with family members as their Final Fantasies.
[edit] Parties
Often times, people close to death (or committing suicide) will throw Final Fantasy parties and invite their friends and families over. They vividly describe their final fantasies to the assembled guests as they die, and their guests eagerly await to see if any of them were featured in the final fantasy. If anybody is in the fantasy, they get the first slices of cake at the funeral. And thus, many times there are black mages with pointy hats appearing at said funerals. They are said to carry the souls of the departed (of the Republic) back with them and feed them to the almighty Bahamut, the secret king of Square Ent. This is classified information... if you read it, RUN! Bahamut is out there, and it's coming for you!
[edit] Reappearing Characters
Although most people's Final Fantasies are different, there are some characters that appear to return over and over in Final Fantasies:
- Fighter: Will generally be nice, until the last second of the fantasy when they will pull out their sword and unceremoniously kill the viewer. They will also have a strange liking to swords. And swordchucks, yo.
- Monk: Will lead the viewer on a mystical voyage through beautiful landscapes. Will then bore the viewer to death by taking him back to his study and silently reading scriptures for hours. There is now a shortage of monks due to the fact that most monks can't fuck.
- Berserker: Will just go crazy, man! May get the viewer to do drugs, drink, gorge on sweets, all that stuff. The viewer will then die of drugs, alcohol poisoning, and/or blood clots.
- Asian-Stereotype: Will run over unsuspecting enemies with his infamous lack of using turn signals and awareness of the speed limit, truly the strongest of all classes.
- Samurai: Will tell the viewer how his home village was brutally destroyed by a enemy force. When the viewer is crying, the samurai will kill him.
- Thief: Will rob the viewer blind and not really care. Sort of a depressing way to die, I know. The only exception is the Final Fantasy Thief I (one). Their name might imply that they steal, but they do not. The Final Fantasy Thief uses its speed to run circles around the victim, causing severe epileptic seizures which result in certain death.
- The Shirtless Male: Will seriously disturb the viewer with his progressive states of undress and whiny, dislikable personality. Viewer's head asplodes.
- Gunner: Will shoot the viewer's penis/vagina with his gun.
- Black Mage: One of the many "mage" fantasies, I mean seriously, how many black guys use magic, or condoms. It seems sightings of a black mage get rarer, and they only appear during the openings of Star Wars movies.
- White Mage: One of the many "mage" fantasies, and also one of the few crossdressing fantasies. The white mage brands the viewer as undead, and when the viewer protests, they are promptly burned to death by extreme light.
- Red Mage: Yet another "mage" fantasy. The red mage hands the viewer a character sheet of a level 1 commoner, then shows them their level 20 mystic the urge character sheet. The viewer then dies by multiple magical attacks.
- Yellow Mage: A mage with high intelligence, but extremely low accuracy due to the small eyes.
- Green Mage: See Al Gore.
- X-Ray Mage: Do not look directly at this mage or you will be blinded! One wonders what he does in his spare time with all those Swiss watches hidden in his cloak...
- Pink Mage: Doin' the things that pink magic can, Pink Magic Man, Pink Magic Man, is he a queer or is he a commie? Nobody cares, Pink Magic Man...
- Summoner: Another "mage" fantasy, also known as Caller. They like to kill the viewer by summoning satanic demons from Hell. Because of the great power of these demons, the viewer dies rather quickly. But in the rare cases that the viewer is female, the demons like to have a little tentacle fun before killing her.
- Blue Mage: The last of the mage fantasies, the blue mage actually appears to defend the viewer from an attack by a fire-breathing dragon, but then promptly turns around and torches the viewer to death by fire breath. The ones who dual-class with Black Mage often are found singing about how their girlfriends left them for a rich guy.
- Mime: Will slowly act out the viewers entire life silently. The viewer will subsequently kill the mime. After sitting around with nobody to talk to, they will eventually kill themselves too.
- Scholar: Basically they have no lives, And to attack and confuse you they use big words they learn in the dictionary.
- Dragoon: Will jump down from no where and impale the viewer with their spear.
- Abortionist: Kills the unwanted children of the sexy female characters in the game after the condom broke on a quickie whilst abord the aircraft. The fetuses are then usually turned into monsters or the next Final Fantasy game.
- Pirate: Does nothing, since it isn't a class.
- Miach Burgos: The evil gargoyle woman. Can kill foes easily using his sound shock guitar and hideous face and voice.
- Ninja: Will kill the viewer, then attempt to kill a Pirate but realize that this is impossible. The Pirate will then laugh and proceed to ram the bow of his ship right up the unsusecting ninja's ass.
- Calculator: These Final Fantasies only appear to those who are skilled in Tactics. They perform numerous calculations with their TI-83 calculators for no apparent reason. The victim then dies of starvation while they wonder what the heck the Calculator is doing.
- The Planman: Will call upon the powers of infinite darkness to bury the insolent creatures with pasta bake.
- Sephiroth: Will stand in a red hot flame cooking his very own body whilst singing one of his hit songs then cut the viewer in half. He shall chop you up in to confetti. They're not lying.
- Cloud Strife: Will wave an overly large sword (to compensate for his lack of genitals. Seriously. You shouldn't look at it) around for hours before breaking down in an Jenova fit.
- Chuck Norris: Will round house kick the viewer, thus killing him.
- Vin Diesel: Will start an illegal street race with the viewer, in which the viewer is killed. After this, Vin will proceed to sleep with several Asian models.
- Snake: Will always be found on any kind of airship. Hiding.
- Agent Smith: Will constantly address you as "Mr Anderson" and ask you if you want the red or blue pill, then force-feed you both. May result in hypertension and visions of God.
- King: Will walk around declaring "Uhh... I'm a King!" and use his royal powers to shag the hole off Yuna (he's had better though).
- Yuna: An emo girl that will change her outfit over and over again asking you if her butt looks big, the viewer will either be bored to death (doubtable) or their brain/penis will explode in a fiery/watery cataclysm.
- The Coach: The man himself! Plays the role of the viewer, but unlike your typical viewer, he's played the role of a main character in another world "RPG Style". He's the one in every Final Fantasy that insures the team will win (yeah, he's THAT good)! Also, does various distractions such as blowing up condoms, etc. Those 3 Charlie's angels chicks in Final Fantasy X-2 are his most memorable team (you tell me), and Yuna looks to admire him more than her missing girlfriend.
- Cid: Will show up in every fantasy along with his playmates, Biggs and Wedge. Odds are, one of his kick-ass airships will painlessly vaporize you, or leave you to die from radiation poisoning.
- Tom Cruise: Will shock the viewers with his Bolt. Watch out!!
- Big Cory B: Probably the most powerful and uberly strong character in the game. He is unlockable in every Final Fantasy game by doing the secret "20 Person Orgy" quest, which varies for each game. His ultimate move is the "Mushroom Tattoo" where he goes up and slaps the enemy in the face with his 12 inch golden shlong. His main weapon normally consists of different types of dildoes. Sometimes he is seen wielding his powerful shlong, and will also dual wield two guitars. Automatically starts at max level with max stats. Also known as "Big Harry One Eyed Monster" in a few versions of the game.
- Harry Potter: Will show up in every Final Fantasy, and exclaim "Ron! Ron! Where are you?" and proceed to have his face kicked in by the rest of the gang as they hate the English. But they're not racist. I swear.
[edit] Final Fantasies In Children
In an attempt not to scare their children, parents refer to Final Fantasies in children as "Kingdom Hearts" for some reason. Although they should be happier than adult Final Fantasies, they are usually worse, probably because they feature almost exclusively Disney characters.
[edit] Kingdom Hearts Returning Characters
- Mickey: Will send Pluto onto the child. Will then do Minnie without her consent.
- Goofy: Will do the child until the child kills themselves.
- KeyBlade: The toy not to be used by kids ages 0 to infinite.
- Jiminy Cricket: Will turn into a bee, then multiply and attack the child.
- Aladdin: Will take the child to a whole new world; specifically hell.
- Generic NPC: Will do nothing but provide useless info.
- Chuck Norris: Too godly to be a new character in the series.
- Sora: Will bring the player into every hellhole in all worlds.
- Kairi: Will cause most of the above to happen.
- Riku: Had a sex change after Final Fantasy X.
- The Coach: Will guide you through most of the above.
- Ansem: Will cause Kairi to cause most of the above to happen.
- Mansex: Ansem's gay Nobody. Had mansex with Sexjus.
- The Priest: Tells the kids that he's found a new "please God", but they can't tell anyone.
- Random Cow: Force feeds the player milk, causing them to have mansex.
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