Europe
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| Motto: "We are better than you." | |||||
| Anthem: Whatever song wins Eurovision this year | |||||
| Capital | Liechtenstein | ||||
| Largest city | Luxembourg | ||||
| Official languages | European, French, Elfdalian | ||||
| Government | Imperial Dictatorial-Democratic Piracy | ||||
| -Emperor-Dictator-Democratic Leader | Klaus, the fish | ||||
| -Pirate King | Johnny Depp | ||||
| National Hero(es) | Mario, Zorro, Niko Bellic, Charles de Gaulle | ||||
| Declaration | |||||
| Currency | Euro | ||||
| Religion | No religion at all. Well, O.K., sometimes Christian when nobody's looking. Pastafarian when you're looking. | ||||
Europe is one of the seven continents. It has a large role in History, having given birth to peace-loving peoples, who, through absolutely no fault of their own, always end up in a bit of a tangle.
Contents |
[edit] Etymology
Europa was the name of a Cretan princess kidnapped by Zeus, god of the gods. Zeus was a bit shy, so he disguised himself as a bull. Historians generally agree that if Europa had been Spanish, the story's ending might have been somewhat different.
It is unknown how Europa became Europe, but a theory explains that it might have been during the Dark Ages, when everyone forgot how to write. Also, it is easy to confuse greek letters, with their dangerously pointy bits and fancy lines. "It's all Greek to me!" said Caesar, and rightly so, for it was all Greek to him.
[edit] History of Europe
[edit] Pre-History
Two species of humans existed: the Neanderthal and the Cro-Magnon. The former from Germania, the latter from Gaul. These brave chaps fought each other to survive, and might have originated the friendly Franco-German rivalry of today. Some critics of this theory point out that it isn't very believable, since the Cro-Magnon was victorious in the end, not having asked for any help.
Even in her early childhood, Europe showed signs of what would become the greatest, most powerful and extremely modest cultural centre in the universe. Stonehenge was built in Ireland by Dara O' McFinnigan for a pint of Guinness. When asked where his supernatural strenght came from, he could not give an answer, as he fell into a coma. The possible response is one of History's greatest mysteries. Stonehenge was then moved by Merlin as a birthday present for king Arthur's son, as you can read below in The Middle Ages section.
[edit] Classical Antiquity
Antiquity was inhabited by classy people who knew how to speak Greek and Latin. The Greeks started it all with democracy, philosophy and history. But, best of all, they invented the toilet, an invention that made life much easier than Plato's rationalism could ever have. Eratosthenes might have known that the world was round, but everyone knows that a true civilization does not go on the bushes.
The next great civilization was the Roman Republic, later renamed Roman Empire, for obvious reasons (the Republicans were loosing popularity). The Romans conquered all of Italy, Iberia, Gaul...Well, not all, there was still an undefeatble little vilage where you could get a fix. The Romans left many Laws as their legacy, many of which still apply today; e.g. arrest those who steal, have fair trials, and the minimum bribe is 30 euros (fluctuates with inflation). Their minds also created literature classics, such as The Golden Ass.
Roads were also an extremely important invention. Thanks to roads, peasants and nobles alike could meet highwaymen, and be treated equally for the first time in History. And Christianity was legalized. Hoorah!
[edit] The Dark Ages
Not much happens. British abbies are pilled by Vikings, who got their coordinations from Franks. E's and A's get mixed up.
[edit] The Middle Ages
The Middle Ages were an age of romance and chivalry. One of the greatest examples of this is the historically-verifiable King Arthur. He was raised by fairies and became king when a woman who lived in a lake gave him a sword, thus becoming the role model of every English boy raised in London. Arthur had a son, and once, having been preoccupied with rescuing the Holy Grail from the clutches of taunting Frenchmen, forgot to buy his son some legos. Merlin then brought Stonehenge to replace the legos.
In Spain, the Muslims finally gave up on their anti-bullfighting protests and left in 1492. The Spaniards celebrated with a huge party in Pamplona. However, the party was cut short, as the Inquisition suspected some bulls of being heretics, having never attended church.
Later on, the Church was divided into the Eastern Orthodox Church and the Roman Catholic Church. The reason for this was the interpretaion of Caesar's comment "It's all Greek to me!". The Western church claimed it was about not being able to read Greek and also a message of tolerance for the oppinions of others. The Eastern church said it was about being surrounded by a different culture and a message of union in the diversity of judgements. Agreeing to disagree, they parted ways. Current relations are good, with both churches sending cards to each other.
The plague arrived at this point. Upon entering the continent, it changed its name to something more nifty, like Black Death. It killed thousands, and as usual the Jews were to blame. They should have been monitoring the borders, but were instead making wise investments somewhere in Switzerland.
[edit] Renaissance
The Renaissance saw great talents as Leonardo da Vinci (painter, biologist, architect, and star of a book) and Michelangelo (paintor, sculptor, architect and namesake for a ninja turtle) mold Western society. It is hard not to recognize their genius when seeing such masterpieces as the Mona Lisa. Some works aren't finished, for e.g. Michelangelo's David's trousers weren't sculpted.
This age also saw the Protestant church rising up against the sky-high prices asked by the Pope to save your soul. Martin Luther sold you salvation for half the price and you could choose a free gift: either a Protestant Bible or a puppie.
However, the most important event of all was when the Portuguese arrived in India and brought tea back to Europe. Afternoon tea was never the same again.
[edit] 18th and 19th centuries
Reason and Thought dominated this period. As a consequence, France weighed every possibility before starting a war with their neighbours. Discontent with this anti-militarism, the people stage a revolution. Some peasants forget their cullotes. Embarrassed with this terrible fashion faux pas, they claim it is to separate them from the nobles.
Napoleon comes to power by accident. He was supposed to go on a fishing trip, but ended up in Paris after buying an Italian map. After inadvertently setting up the First French Empire, he is defeated in Waterloo, ending up in San Dimas with two boys, Bill and Ted, thanks to another faulty map.
[edit] 20th century to present
Two World Wars and an economic Depression. That pretty much sums it up.
The First World War was caused by the traditional shooting in Serbia. However, in 1914, the victim was Duke Franz Ferdinand, famous for having started a Scottish band. Music lovers everywhere were outraged, especially the Austro-Hungarian Empire, the band's biggest fan to date. Russia and Germany, not wanting to be left out of a joly good old fight, joined in as well. France, eager to prove her military strenght, also joined. This obviously meant that the British would have to join in later on.
It all ended in five years. The Entente 1, Central Powers 0. Being the peace-loving nations that they are, European countries decided to take the advice of a President who was a bit on the deluded side and formed the League of Nations, or L.o.N.. Everyone could join. Except Germany. And Russia. When these two countries demanded to know why, they were sent a letter saying "The invitations must have gotten lost in the mail. Sorry, but we can't afford to send two invitations. Cheerio." The politeness of the letter hints at a French author.
The Treaty of Versailles, or T.o.V., was also signed. It dictated what would happen to Germany. Every leader was there. Except the German one. He was on a vacation in Holand, and the considerate monsieur Georges Clémenceau convinced the others that he wouldn't like to be disturbed. Germany complained of money problems, but when a certain Stresemann took over, he solved it in three months. And that is efficiency.
Next there was the Second World War. People blame it on Hitler. Hitler rose to power because of German discontentment with the Depression. The Depression was caused by America. So, the real thing at fault here is the Art University that turned down Hitler. His appearance might have been a problem. After all, who ever heard of a person with a little moustache and a funny walk who looked like a tramp becoming famous? Preposterous!
Germany put soldiers in its border with France. This was obviously meant to provoque the French, why else would Germany try to defend its borders? But Britain wouldn't fight again, so the French stayed still. Hitler then became friends with Austria again, visited Czechoslovakia, and traveled to Poland. Britain declared war, since Hitler was taking away Polish labour. France followed Britain. They built the Maginot Line, thinking of every move Hitler might do and concluding that there wasn't any way he could turn the tables around. Hitler answered by going around the Line. Surely you have heard of Captain Sparrow conquering a port witout firing a single shot. Well, the Germans conquered Paris without firing a single shot. How? They went through the back door.
But not all of France surrendered. There was a little village, with a café owner, René, who helped the resistance by hiding portraits in sausages and British airmen in barrils. A true war hero. This War also saw the Wolrd's Funniest Joke being used, as documented by John Cleese, with devastating results. Once again, the war lasted for five years. Once again the USA joined in when the fighting was almost over. Once again Germany lost. Allies 1, Axis 0.
After the war, Europe decided that fighting wasn't the proper way for a peace-loving continent to solve problems. So they formed what would become the EU. Many countries joined over the years. Portugal and Spain joined in 1986, the exact same year the EU started giving out money. Lucky chaps, hey? Everyone can join. Except Turkey. Why? Well, it's a very, very complex issue that has nothing to do with their main religion. At all.
[edit] Geography of Europe
Europe is comprised of seventy-six countries, unless you're French, in which case Europe is comprised of two countries: yours and theirs. Incidentally, France is third in the table of nations with good geographical knowledge.
Europe is traditionally divided into four groups: the West, the East, the North and the South.
[edit] The West
The West usually consists of France, Germany, Britain, and the ones next to them who usually remain neutral. These three are the best of friends nowadays. Britain is particularly fond of France, while France can't get enough of Germany. If you ask any Englishman, he'll say "bloody French". "Bloody" is Cockney rhyming slang for "lovely".
[edit] The East
Russia dominates this one. But that's okay, because we're all friends now.
[edit] Economy
If all european states may unify in a single nation like "United States of Europe" they would surely be the first economic power in the whole world, fortunately enough they all hate each other (like italians and french, irish and english etc..) so that's impossible. Mosty, the european economy consists of:
- Money.
[edit] The Average European
N.B. There is no such thing as an average European. All Europeans were handmade by God to perfection. Average people in Europe are called tourists.
[edit] The looks
Anthropologists generally agree that Europeans are exactly 6 foot tall, blonde, blue-eyed and ungrateful. There is no exception to this rule. If you happen to see a European that doesn't look like that, then it's all a trick of lights to fool you.
They usually have an avant garde sense of fashion, walking around town with something that looks like something a retarded monkey with Alzeimer's would have flung at you. But they manage to look good while wearing it, and that's the true European Miracle.
[edit] Arrogance
All Europeans consider themselves above you. This is a fact. Why wouldn't they?
- e.g.: I'm European, therefore I'm better than you, (insert American name here). (spits on the floor in front of said American)
Political Beliefs
Anything that disagrees with the USA for any reason or no reason. Incidentally, this has been a good move.
There is a large amount of anti-Americanism in Europe, mainly because most european jokes correctly claim that America is filled with burger inhaling idiots. This is incorrect. Such nation would be Texas. Many Americans say that this is hypocritical (yes, that is the word) because of the prevalence of the same burger joints all over Europe. However, they forget that the average European will go to one of these places once a month, sometimes not returning after their first visit, since wine isn't available on the menu.
In some parts of Europe, anti-Americanism is actually the enforced state religion. Those who do not follow it will be forced to watch innocent wine being ruthlessly wasted on the movie Sideways.
[edit] The Rope
Europe can also refer to the rope which belongs to Eu. Eu was later assassinated for possession of said rope.
