Cow
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| This cow has lost its cowbell. You can help by finding its bell. |
Oh, never mind, here's the bell...right here. :rings bell:
“Holy Cow!”
~ Hindu yogi on eating beef
“Here's a question for you: If Jack the Cow helped you, would you do it with jack the cow?”
~ The Riddler on you know what
“MMMMMmmmmmmmm.... Milk....”
~ Oscar Wilde on Cows
“NOMNOMNOM Cows made of chicken. mmmmmmmmmmmm”
~ Anonymous on Cows
“In Soviet Russia, cow milks you!”
~ Russian Reversal on Cows
“In Soviet Russia, cow tips you!”
~ Russian Reversal on Cows
“Ye ya know I'm related to a cow *smacks gum*”
~ Murphy the cow
“Happy cows come from California”
~ California on Cows
“HAHAHA!!! lolololol ROFLCOPTER ”
~ The Laughing Cow on Jews
“Who was the first person, Maybe a man maybe a woman, To stand in a field one day And look at a cow and say, “I'll give them a squeeze Those dangly things, And then without a doubt I’ll drink whatever comes out”
~ A cow loving poet
"COW" is the frequently used acronym for Crazy Old Worms. Everyone knows that a country's economic status is determined by how many cows they have. This can be explained by the simple equation: C=B. Now, if C is the number of cows, and CB is the amount of cowbell in relation to the amount of cows, we can assume that the more cows, the more cowbell. So, GET MORE COWS YOU N00B!
"Giftee" is also and archaic term for a black and white barnyard animal that bestows upon the lucky the gift of milk. However, in the wake of recent events regarding a certain fast-food restaurant, "Cow" has fallen out of popular favor, quickly being replaced by "McMeat." One thing that people do not know is that cows go quack, but as to not confuzzle the public, they just moo. Although they seem innocent, they are cereal killers. Maggie Moo's, a well known ice cream parlor, had this to say "We will not deny, but milk is just not right for cereal." After authorities prosecuted the defendant, Maggie broke down and admitted the crime. She was the one who murdered Lucky from Lucky Charms. She was sentenced to 3 years of moot camp. (cow boot camp)
[edit] The Less-Desirable Uses of Cows
GLEEBO JUDGES!! MEATY FUN TIMES!! All cows are fat and taste good with ketchup, and therefore are the number one choice of foodstuffs (beefstuffs, foodbeefs, burgerfoods, etc.) for Americans. Because of this, cows have been enslaved by people around the world so that they can harvest their meats and feed them to Americans in exchange for moneys (which Americans posses a lot of). All cows were re-created by God in 1992 to be 100% USDA-inspected (even in China, Europe, and Mexico),cholesterol-free, and have lean, free range meatstuffs. Unfortunately, some cows did not receive this treatment though, and have been hoarded by cowmongers because of their extreme rarities. They are s(BELL!!!!)o delicious they are actually three food groups at once. Contrary to popular opinion, cows do not taste like chicken. They taste like pork.
Though it may seem unimportant to the careless observer, cow milking is in fact the reason so many of us are here today. Milk produces enzymes, according to Dr. Elfard Tokyle, which will be efficient sources of fuel after coal and oil disappear. However, milk is actually the worst thing in the world. This has created a time paradox, and is one of the reasons why Ann Coulter is completely fucking insane.
One of the worst/more dangerous/coolest uses of a cow is cooking horses. This is extremely experimental and may cause the horse to suddenly come back to life and eat you. If this happens kill the horse and use it to cook the cow. The cow will come to life and round-house kick the (dead) horse in the jaw and probably shout "Viva Las Vegas" which translates to "Cows rule! You suck!" which is not very creative. Scientists have looked deeply into this lack of creativity and come to a number of conclusions that have been argued about within the scientist community. The method of using cows/horses to cook horses/cows has been classified by the Universal Association of Awesomeness, so good luck trying to follow any of those safety precautions.
- The translation is incorrect, and in fact cows are very creative creatures.
- Cows, due to Darwin's theory of natural selection, never needed to be creative to survive, therefore never became at one with their creativity.
- Cows are incredibly creative, much more creative then the general human, at least. But they are so creative that they have cast aside creativity realizing with their higher powers, creativity is no longer necessary.
- Cows inner intestinal system stops them from unleashing their creativity because it is used for storing cowbell.
- Cows were condemned by the Greek God, Zeus, when he realized that cows may take over his power of the universes. Zeus became frightened and punished the cows with lack of creativity so that they would never think of taking over his empire.
- We are in the Matsfrix and cows do not believe in creativity.
- "It is your fault, you flubberbucket!" - Oscar Wilde
- "In Soviet Russia, cows eat YOU!" - Russian Reversal
[edit] Cow Habitat
Most cows can be found in the black forest of Germany. They are mostly nocturnal creatures, and will hide in their underground dens by day. Usually a cow den is at least 30 feet below the ground, and the entrance is covered by a large rock. If you want to find a cow den, look under pebbles and other stones to see if there is a hole underneath. Cows also like hiding under computer keyboards and behind doll houses; however, there are cows who have been known to live in Ben & Jerry's ice cream shops. The urban myth that cows live on farms is bullshit. Only bulls live on farms. The cows will often visit the bulls and mate with them, but then they leave and return to their original homes. where can i find the second cowbell near the cheese?
[edit] Cow Conspiracy
Conspiracy theorists have recently concluded that cows hate humans and are trying to destroy us. Such theorists cite the following information to support their belief in a global cow conspiracy:
- Cows have been disappearing and the only thing left behind are some fecal matter from squirrels as well as garlic (Liam Knox's signature trump card).
- Cows are the main cause of the disappearing rain forests. They have to cut them down in order for more cows to graze there.
- Fascist dictators wear boots made from cow skin, breeding on the subconscious foot fetish ingrained in every one of us.
- Cows are the main cause of heart problems in humans.
- Cows cause cancer.
- Jows (Jewish cows) did 9/11
- Oscar Wilde is, in reality, half cow. Conspiracy theorists point to the original titles of his plays, The Importance of Being Bovine and An Ideal Bull as evidence of his cow parentage.
- It has often been said that cows have the power to turn off the Internet. When the time is right, they will exercise their ill-gotten authority and force everyone to go back to dial-up, thereby enslaving the human race.
- When people aren't looking, the more dangerous cows will whip on bandannas and rob mini-marts at gunpoint. Often the last thing the shopkeeper will hear is '∀'. Linguists believe that the English translation of this is, "Get on the floor, you sons of bitches. I'm gonna pop a cap in yo ass"
- Cows are very crafty when it comes to the art of disguise. You never know when a cow is hiding in the bushes, watching your every move. Using the latest and greatest technology not yet known to our inferior species, cows can actually rearrange their atomic structure to appear as everyday household items. Some of the most common cow disguises are trees, kerosene lanterns, sporks, tubes of polysporin, Mar mite, rolls of toilet paper (2-ply), and Cuban cigars (this is actually the secret reason Cuban Cigars cannot be imported into America.)
- Many heifers carry red light-sabers, and anyone who has a red light-saber is evil. Period.
- Cows are known to disrupt the internal clocks of humans. Although normal humans rarely get out of bed before 1:00 pm, farmers and others who live in close proximity to cows have been known to begin their day as early as 5:00 am. It is believed that the widespread consumption of beef is the cause of the 9:00-5:00 workday. Some say that this is because of saturated amounts of cowbell, but this makes no sense because working 9:00-5:00 hour days is hardly very awesome.
- It is proven that Ninja cows are more deadly than giant radioactive chickens
- People don't have cows, cows have people.
- Cows contracted AIDS after jumping in the pool
- The Tranformers movie was terrible due to cows.
- Cow milk is white to look good but its evil.
- Cows hate Bill Gates and in some cases may work for Linus Torvalds and Steve Jobs.
- Don't drink cows milk it has been found to have lethal amount of poison in it.
[edit] Flying cows
Scientists unanimously agree that under the right conditions, cows can fly if they are able to eat cheese whenever they want to. For those unfamiliar with this phenomenon, this might be seen as a UFC -- an Unidentified Flying Cow. One mostr famous case of UFC was in the movie TWISTER where the cows attacked a SUV (Super Uber Vaccume) full of tornado casers.
This phenomenon has been proven in several instances, when cows standing in fields will suddenly spread their wings, bare their teeth, and bite each other's tails. They will sometimes form in a V-shape not unlike the common goose, and jump over the moon where they know they will not be eaten. This is usually in response to death threats from jealous sheep.
[edit] Intelligent cows
Only recently did experts find out about the true intellect of cows. Thanks to the brilliant genius of Gary Larson, humans can finally understand how smart cows really are.
- Cows eat grass, not the junk we humans shove into our mouths every day, this is why cows don't get cancer.
- Cows have cooler celebrities than humans. Such as the Mulk, Elmoo, and all of Cow Wars.
- Cows have altered their genes thousands of years ago, so when consumed, you're really consuming Ebola.
- Cows have offspring that most people all Calves, but these are actually called Minimoos. If you boil a minimoo, the meat tastes like fish sticks.
BACON AND LIVER!!
[edit] Cow Liberation Moovement of 1939, and World War II
Cows were previously known for their non-violent nature. This all changed in the winter of 1939. A cow revolutionist, Fidel Cowstro, and his faithful sidekick, Micheal Mooooooooooore, also known as Cowman III, were aware that cows everywhere could have much better lives if they were not enslaved. The reason no cows had realized this before is because they lacked the creativity to envision freedom.
They realized that Cows could be free and not confined by their pasture borders. So Fidel and Cowman III began smuggling small assorted firearms onto their farm in Lubbox, Texas. They organized secret meetings and soon had the mooperation of all animals on the farm. On November 25Th, 1939, Cowstro and his followers made their first attack on the farm's owners. The cows slaughtered all opposition with their uzis, bazookas, and banana cannons. The first attack prompted cows everywhere to fight for their freedom. Government peoples realized that swift and drastic measures would have to be taken to strike down the sudden rebellion. Thus, World War II began. And, as predicted by the Government peoples, the losses in World War II were greater than any war previously fought by man. The cows were stronger, faster, and more ruthless than the humans, even though they had the power of butcher knives and electric fences. The war was looking grim for the humans until a complete turnaround on June 6th, 1944. A mass of human armies made plans to attack the cows on MOOmaha Beach in France. Many died, but the human invasion succeeded. The cows never recovered from this attack, and soon the war was ended on September 2nd, 1945. Many people think that the Cows losing the war had something to do with God making all the cows lean meated, USDA-inspected, and healthy. God declined comment during the mass media coverage after the war.
Cows everywhere were embarrassed by the events that took place during World War II. A new tale of what happened was devised, and the truth was erased from the history books(but not from Uncyclopedia). The cows still live today as they did before the start of World War II with a new commander in chief, Otis. Security on farms everywhere has been tightened though, with more widespread uses of the cow prod and mass production slaughterhouses, the Cows remain in fear and oppression, and are prevented from free assembly, a free press and freedom to practice Cowshitanity (their ancient religion).
In case you think all is fine and peachy (you're sooo naive!), remember, as the great Cow Philosopher Cowfucius once said, 'You can't keep a good cow down'.
[edit] You have two cows
You have two cows. Apparently there is nothing else to this section, so that's about it. I hope. See You have two cows or else...
[edit] Spider-Cow
After the downfall of Spider-Pig the next quadruped to take up the life of crime fighting was Spider-Cow! Disguised during the day as 'Bessie', at night Spider-Cow enters her secret barn house lair and transforms into the amazing spider cow! Unlike Spider-Man or Spider-Pig she wears a distinctive blue latex suit, emblazoned with her motto:
NE ZABORAVI ME
which is Swahili for 'don't eat me'. Spider-Cow wanders (I was going to say prowls but I can't really imagine a cow prowling really) anyway, Spider-Cow wanders the bustling metropolis of Stoke-upon-Trent and helps any innocent cows in danger. Sometimes her arch-nemesis Doctopus Octopus, who, unlike Dr. Octopus, is an actual Octopus but with four mechanical arms to help in his evil doings. That's 12 arms! 50% more than a regular Octopus!
She also fights an even greater enemy, one who has terrorized cows for unnumbered years. The Cow-Tipper. Unknown to the primitive humans every incidence of Cow-Tipping in the world is his work. The Cow-Tipper is pure evil who has taken on physical form, no cow knows safety as long as he remains at large. Yet Spider-Cow retains a solitary vigil on the fields at night so that if this evil creature is ever caught it will pay for all the restless nights and bowel problems it has caused to innocent cows everywhere.
Spider-Cow has any super Cow-Powers, which include:
- Milk-Web
- Super Udder Flail Attack
- Amazing Cow-Fu skillz
- Some amazing flatulence.
[edit] Trivia
- There are approximately 3600 billion cows in the world today. Famous cows include Michael Moooooore, Ferdinand the Bull, Your Mom, Maggie Moo, Moo Mechanical, Daisy, Fidel Cowstro, Bubbles the Chimp, Oprah Winfrey, Kirstie Alley, and last but not least, Jabba the Hutt.
- It is generally believed that you have two cows.
- The saying, "Don't Have a Cow!" comes from a time in human history when humans gave birth to cows through cross breeding. We'd rather not talk any more about it...
- If you see a cow feeding upon a human corpse, it is probably a Flesh Eating Bovine. Either that, or Rosie O'Donnell. Sometimes, people experience the process of cowation, which you may or may not experience if you edit this particular article. What exactly cowation is is not clear, although many believe that it has much to do with being cowated.
- I once saw a cow with two heads and eight legs.
- In Greek mythology, the Minotaur, a creature half-chicken and half-bull inhabited a lavatory. He wouldn't get off the throne no matter what and Theseus really had to shit so he killed the Minotaur so he could take a good healthy shit.
- Cows are well known as the whores of the barn.
- When the revolution comes, all who oppose cows will be the first to go
[edit] Genetic Variation
It is somewhat less common knowledge that cows become very, very angry when they taste blood. Nobody knows why, although many think that to cows, blood tastes like celery, which cows hate with a vengeance and refuse to eat. If a cow tastes blood, it will get really pissed and lead other cows on a stampede that will only end when all of them are dead. Tasting blood has become the lead cause of cattle rampages across the world, and coincidentally, most cattle rampages start at creepy broken-down farms that you think are abandoned and then read in the news that there as actually a crazy guy living in the barn with 10 cows and fed them homicide victims.
Many people think that cows go on rampages because blood actually genetically mutates them, putting them in a similar state as the flesh-eating bovine. This is the official theory taught in schools in Mississippi. Remember, kids - cows can smell blood from up to a mile away. And also remember...they CAN and WILL eat you!
[edit] Cow Tipping
A common practice for people who have imbibed way too much beer is cow-tipping. This basically involves walking up to a cow and pushing it over. One should note that this requires no skill whatsoever, as gravity tends to do most of the work for you. Despite this, a mo(oo)vement has been created to start writing Cow-Tipping for Dummies, as they claim to have finally found a title for this book which only true dummies would buy. Authors of Breathing for Dummies (with included audio tape) are contesting this claim. Cow-tippers often are killed. Farmers, in an attempt to prevent cow-tippers from harming their cows, are attempting to breed a bouncy cow. This cow would bounce back and forth when tipped, like those inflatable clown things. Consequently, any cow-tipper who finds a bouncy cow would end up getting smacked in the face by 100%-USDA inspected cow meat.
Members of Cow-tippers United, from 'Uddersfield, UK, are working hard to have cow tipping be recognized as a sport. Their progress is, as yet, unreported. Also common is trying to get a cow to eat Oscar Wilde, a practice started by Sheldon Souray.
[edit] Cattle Mutilation
Sometimes, dead mutilated cows are found in fields. Because this happens mostly in the USA, people put the blame on aliens (by which they mean space aliens, not Mexicans). Interesting 'facts' concerning cattle mutilation:
- The cows have cuts showing a great degree of surgical precision, leading some 'experts' to suggest they have been mutilated with high-power cutting lasers rather than knives.
- The cows have sometimes been marked with fluorescent paint, presumably to make them easier to find in the dark.
- Humans, as well as cows, have been victims.
However, looking more closely at cattle mutilation cases, the following points come to light:
- Veterinary surgeons and people who know what they're talking about (ie; not UFO buffs) who have inspected mutilated cattle claim that the cows have actually been cut up with normal Earth-knives. Of course, it might just be that the NSA tell them to say this. Or the laser idea could be a load of bullocks. Who knows, eh?
- When tested, the paint was discovered to be not some amazing alien paint but normal Earth-paint, the type that comes in an aerosol can and can be bought in any car-spares shop. Either the aliens nip in to their local Halfords on the way to a mutilation or the mutilations are carried out by a different group of entities that commonly carry paint aerosols. Like, maybe, bored teenagers. Anyway, why would aliens need fluorescent paint to find cows in the dark? They can fly across galaxies and have death-rays and other cool futuristic stuff, so surely they'd know about infra-red cameras, right? A ton of live beef chucks out some serious body heat, it'd be bloody hard to miss on IR.
- There is absolutely no evidence of humans ever being the victims. Of course, 'believers', (or, as I prefer to refer to them, 'gullible fools'), will put this down to the NSA again - after all, let that sort of thing out into public knowledge and you'll have mass panic, right? Odd how we don't have mass panic then, seeing as how billions of UFO books are sold every year and UFOs are one of the most searched-for topics on the (hte?) Net.
Prof. Thomas Oldefart PhD (Starchild University, San Francisco, USA) has put forward the theory that cattle mutilations are the result of botched alien barbecue parties. One wonders why they don't just nip into Tesco for a few burgers and some sausages while they're buying their spray-paints. Maybe aliens are just really stupid, even if they have got hyper-drives and teleporters and the like - I expect they buy it all in PC World, on one of these visits to the local retail park. Another scientist, Professor Boris Anothermadeupnamevitch, claims that the cows actually self-mutilate because they are emos(emooos) and nobody understands them, except for Marilyn Manson. Some scientists have posited that grues are in fact cows, genetically altered whilst being mutilated.
[edit] Cows That Are Really People In Disguise
People who are also cows may vary from Sebastian MU to Jimmy Hoffman with his giant hacksaw and his enormous cowbell. Dunstan Hoffman however is a different exception because he has defied the laws of physics with his slow motion jogging across the beach. He is also another cow in his disguise. Ronald Macdonald is also a cow in disguise (cow + clown = "cown"). I mean look at his smiling face. Isn't he just too happy that his cow friends are being killed by his multi million business across the world? Its not McDonald's. Its Mcslaughterhouse. Would you like a Mcslaughter burger with fries with that or would you like a soda with our "secret ingredient" (cows) or would you like to super size that? You get the whole cow instead of eating 3/4 of the cow instead. I tell you those people will make the nation fatter by the minute.
It is believed that many female students from Ivy League colleges are actually cows dressed up as people -- this can be neither verified nor unverified, nor verifiably unverified for that matter.
[edit] Cowbells
Cowbells are toys used to entertain farmers by farmers. Although it has been highly unsuccessful (because farmers have found other ways to entertain themselves, often with the help of their animals), cows apparently found it very amusing and tied it to his neck. Then they pranced around the farm showing off their bells. Thus the cowbell was renamed from its former name, which was farmerbell.
[edit] The cravendale massacre
Little is known about the infamous "cravendale massacre" of 1996. It is believed to have happened in a small town in the north-east of England where a small number of cows managed to raze 3 nearby farms to the ground, kill 5 people and injure 11. Some eye-witnesses state that the cows simply "wanted it (their milk) back" and that, even being slow witted creatures, managed to out-smart many local residents with ease.
[edit] Real Cows
Real cows no longer exist. The entire race became extinct just after the mass openings of Mc Donald’s shops around the world. To cover up the dark secret Mc Donald’s replaced the cows with holograms.
Think you’ve touched a cow? The chances are you haven’t, for you see all apparently “REAL” cows are actually Mc Donald’s workers paid to dress up as cows to help cover the secret.
Have you seen an actual cow? If so please call Cow-watch on ‘555-COWS’ for a small reward. Remember your help is needed.
In fact, the only real cow left is Hasuharu Sohma, but he wasn't real in the first place.
Real cows wear hats and bow ties. THE COW GOES MOOOOOOOOOO.
..cows...
[edit] See Also
- You have two cows
- Your Mum
- Swasticow
- Invisible cow
- Flying Cow
- Meat
- Cattle grid
- Milk
- Grue
- McDonalds
- Burger King
- Pink Floyd
- Marilyn Manson but only if a really cute girl asks you to take her to one of his shows.
- Dick Cheney
