Cowbell

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This cow needs more articlebell. You can help by adding more article.

“Guess what?! I got a fever! And the only prescription... is more cöwbell!”

~ Bruce Dickinson on Cöwbell

“Please sir, can I have some more?”

~ Oliver Twist on Cöwbell

“More! More! More!”

~ Andrea True Connection on Cöwbell

“It could use a little more cowbell.”

~ Whitney Houston on the soup she ate yesterday

“Cowbells are musical”

~ Captain Obvious on Cöwbell

“In Soviet Russia cowbell wants YOU!!!.”

~ Russian Reversal on cowbell

Typical Cöwbell Performance

The Cöwbell is a clapper-less bell device with a variety of uses. Many consider the cöwbell among the most difficult instruments to master, and hundreds of 13 year old suburban teenagers have been bitterly dissapointed at their inability to become proficient players. This could be due to lack of talent and obsession with bands like Led Zeppelin, Blue Öyster Cult, and Will Ferrel more than the cöwbell, however, but the cöwbell is still pretty hard.

For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about More cowbell.

[edit] History

It is generally thought that the cöwbell was originally invented in the middle ages as a way for farmers to locate runaway cows. This is a common misconception perpetuated by the "cow" prefix. In actuality, it was invented by Lorne Michaels in 1971 as a method to generate fond memories of TV sketch comedy programs. One year later, famous doctor Oscar Wilde discovered that the cöwbell is also a very effective fever reducer. Although there has been reference to the cowbell in caveman time. Erotic cave paintings show that the cowbell or "ugh" was used to attract mates to its loudness and hardness. This method was forever forgotten when Barry White was played over freaky caveman rave parties.

[edit] Cöwbells Today

Cöwbells are most commonly used by:

• Drummers who believe beautiful women watch Saturday Night Live.
• Internet users who comb forums for appropriate times to segue cöwbell discussion into a thread.
• Lorne Michaels from 2005-present.
• Kevin Trudeau as a miraculous natural cure the FDA doesn't want you to know about.
• Cöw's.
• Popular sony gaming series Cowbell hero.

Cöwbells are also noted for making time travel possible without the need of Plutonium, thus providing a direct replacement for harder-to-find flux capacitors. When using Cöwbell, the speed of the time vehicle is cut in half as well, requiring travel at only 44 mph and 0.605 jigga-watts of electricity for activation.

[edit] Controversy

The American Family Association and Parents Music Resource Center has sought support from the FCC to ban cöwbells from appearing nude in public broadcasts. The Church of Satan and the ACLU have engaged in legal opposition, pledging to represent any cöwbells arrested for public exposure pro-bono. It is claimed that direct exposure to cöwbells causes boys as young as 14 years old to realize that they have penises, and begin to engage in a common Church of Satan rite called puberty. Studies have confirmed that puberty is indeed the work of the Devil. Cöwbells have also been known to cause incoherent dancing which is also the work of the Devil.

[edit] Cöwbells Today

The cöwbell is currently native to only five locations in the world:

• Zimbabwe (now being used as currency)
• Paraguay
• Antarctica
• Boise, Idaho
• Delivery depot of the Southeast London outlet of Tesco

[edit] Adding more cöwbell

Attempts to add cöwbell by amateurs have met with mixed success. Most user manuals state that only a trained professional like Christopher Walken or Bruce Dickinson, wearing a grounding wrist strap should attempt to install or upgrade cöwbell. Static discharge can harm the cöwbell's components, rendering it permanently inoperative.

[edit] Removing cöwbell

Cöwbell removal should never be performed by any person, living or dead, besides Kanye West. However, if one should attempt such a dire, risky act, then the steps to removing said cowbell are as such:

• Place cowbell on flat, smooth surface
• Shoot self in face.

[edit] People Who Need More Cöwbell

• The Dutch
• Comrade Joseph Stalin
• Captain Jack Sparrow
• Pretty much anyone from Australia
• Mel Gibson
• Bruce Dickinson
• Optimus Prime
• John Cena
• Matt Stajan
• Goatse
• Your Mom
• Everyone
• Tim "Snackpak" LaMay
• George Dubya Bush
• You
• Vikings

[edit] People Who Need Less Cöwbell

• Weener Wikipedia Users
• Sir Thomas Cöwbell - Eccentric philanthropist of British Cöwbells plc., who, single-handedly (and with his own personal funds), built a batch of eighteen billion cöwbells. This is enough to furnish every man, woman and child on Earth with a free cöwbell with many spares should they be required. He is currently facing bankruptcy from warehouse fees because YOU, yes YOU, do not have enough cöwbell. You should be ashamed of yourself.
• John Cage - His seminal piece 4' 33" was originally written for cöwbell.
• Jeremy Clarkson
• Mcdonalds

[edit] Other Things You Need More Of

• Pylons