Communism

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This article refers to the political ideology. For the Soviet political party, the CCCP.

“Well, at least nobody can say that we didn't try...”

~ Russia on Communism

“When you program in open source, you're programming COMMUNISM!”

~ Microsoft on Communism

“The chickens will turn into geese, and the geese will turn into sheep, and the sheep will turn into oxen. What do the oxen turn into? Delicious oxtail soup, of course.”

~ Chinese propaganda slogan

“Together with the churches [in Eastern Europe], we would have been invincible”

~ Comrade Neil Clark

“I <3 Capitalism”

~ Satan on Communist Propaganda

Josef Stalin was an evil totalitarian dictator, masquerading as a communist.

Communism is the perfect form of government, although many capitalist organisations such as Corporate America portray it as an evil and exploitative regime.

Communism has never existed, anywhere in the world. It is a mistake to call the USSR, its gulags, China, North Korea, Vietnam, hippie communes, kibbutzim, or Cuba communist, but that's what a lot of uninformed idiots do. You idiots!

Sadly, all currently existing communist organisations (which are not really communist organisations really, er...) must be feeling pretty pissed off that they are not protected from being destroyed by imperialist groups, many of which, like the United States, are totally stupid.

Communist philosophy can be traced back to the ancient writings of Proletariat (not to be confused with The proletariat, which also has connections with The Red Menace). Communism can also be traced to Georg Hegel who, while not being political, planted ideas of opposites fighting into Karl Marx's head.

Also of note is the remarkable ability of communists to not only survive, but thrive, entirely on vodka and radiation.

1 The Real Communists
2 History of Communism
3 Fall of Communism
4 Proof of Communism
5 Communist Groups
- 5.1 Other Groups
6 Communist countries
7 See also
8 Not to be Confused With
9 External links

The Real Communists

Soviets beating the shit out of America.

According to the Vatican, God created communism as a way to make an idea(l) society after he created Michael Jackson and Disneyland. The plan that works on paper has spread quickly, but it soon became fucked up like everything else. But will God accept this defeat so easily? HELL NO. After God learned communism failed, he killed Saddam. The trick to getting communism working is all in the sales name. Communism doesn't sell and will make your project fail (e.g.-Soviet Union, China, the US Senate). If you plan out how you are going to sell it might sometimes. The secret is to get the leaders so drunk that they do not know what is what then put a slip in front of them that says they will allow communism to become the one and only party there than you are all set. Fuck, I'm off track, well, Communism is like extraneous equations those weird ones that make sense on paper but will give your calculator a "syntax error." Communism can earn your citizens bad names, like goddamn fuckin' commies (bleedin' in Britain). If you want it to work, then it's called socialism. Socialism has a slicker sound to it and is not extraneous (e.g.Sweden, Denmark, Iceland, Canada).

Communists spend all day working for the people! (Themselves!)

History of Communism

Communism in its modern form appeared in the mid-1800s when a scholar named Karl Marx pulled a Cheeto out of his belly button and blamed the smell coming from his index finger on people more ambitious than him. This inspired Marx to write a series of great texts that changed the world. The first of these texts was the Communist Manifesto. The Communist Manifesto was written with the intention of destroying capitalism by inspiring middle-class white teens to dress funny and smoke marijuana during the best earning years of their lives. It also inspired the Broadway play Les Miserables, but nobody cares about Broadway plays. The second, and generally more important text, was Das Kapital. Das Kapital outlined Marx's view of how the smell from his crotch migrated to his beard and eventually drove off all but the most offensive members of his social circle. Marx theorized that the ruling bourgeoisie L337 controlled society by getting off their asses and not bitching so much about fingers lost in machine lathes and shit like that. Marx proposed that if everyone pretended to work and the government pretended to pay people, then pretty soon there would be nothing left to bitch about. Marx's dream was later picked up by the rock super group known as Lenin, Stalin and Trotsky (best known by the initials LS&T). Lenin decided to overthrow the government of a country of Orthodox hicks to implement Marx's dream of Communist bliss. However, the band broke over creative differences between Stalin and Trotsky. Stalin eventually went on to a successful solo career. Lenin died shortly after the break up. Trotsky was later shot in the head by a deranged groupie named John Hinkley who thought killing Trotsky would impress Jodi Foster. Many critics later complained that Stalin's work had little to do with Communism. After Stalin's death, one of LS&T's backup singers, Nikita Khrushchev inherited the LS&T back catalogue and put it up for sale on iTunes. Nikita Khrushchev frequently called Stalin's solo work "crap, plain and fucking brain dead simple crap". Communism would be revived repeatedly over the next few generations, with different local flavours added. Mao added a kinky, bat shit crazy Chinese emperor hook to Communism. Che Guevara added Latin sex appeal. Castro added cigars. Mikhail Gorbachev added creepy birthmarks. Perhaps the greatest visible contribution was made by Pol Pot of Cambodia who built the world's largest pyramid of skulls in honour of workers' rights.

Fall of Communism

Hillary's new flag for the U.S.S.A.

In the 1980s, many Communist leaders realised that Communism was too hip to be mainstream. One Communist leader, Mikhail Gorbachev, took hold of the problem and drove Communism back to its underground roots. Gorby sexed this underground flavour up with unheard of flirtations with the godfather of capitalism, Ronald Reagan. The Communism that came out of the 1980s was so fucking hip that even great critics like Peter Travers didn't get it. In 1991, Communism attempted a reunion tour starting in Moscow. However, it fizzled after a series of bad reviews. But, after 2000, Communism returned in full force, back by the hot, metrosexual Venezuelan stylings of Hugo Chavez, aka the Communist Fuck Machine. Chavez mixed Communism with zany new themes of Catholic religiosity, including his famous "George Bush smells like sulphur" quote. Although many people didn't get Chavez's crazy new sound, Chavez brand Communism is spreading like wildfire across the college campus scene.

See, Superman is a Communist, and he gets ALL the ladies!!!

Proof of Communism

Communism can be mathematically proven:

However the Party states that:

(QED)

Thus, everything is equal and Communism is proven.

Communist Groups

The most popular store in Soviet Russia was called WalMarx.

The J.G.rantism Sect of Midwestern American 6th Graders, due to the fact that they have a small nuclear stockpile big enough to wipe out the French Canadians, is also a sizable communist country. (Ironically, the French Canadians will soon be turned to Communism, as dictated by the ancient Communist god Vyacheslavanichkasankovichovsky the Long Named, noted in Studies Upon A Lame Study of Russians - also ironically by an American who thinks he's Russian, and who can't help long, parenthesised and convoluted asides, despite purportedly bad English - how you say? - grammar, yes?)Formed in 2007 this is the newest Communist group, already rising to fame. Inspired by Trotsky and their cruel school curriculum and procedures they will soon be rising in the ranks. Members: Grant Whittaker (Founder) Jackson (Supreme Overlord Maximus) and an army of sentient Sea Otters.

Other Groups

(on the last one there might be some spelling mistakes so can someone please correct them)

Communist countries

The United states of America
Your mom
The even redder states
Bulgaria, where the flowers grow
Yugoslavia, and we're proud of it
Kazakhstan
Uzbekistan
Sovietlands
Cuba
Kentuckistan (Formerly, now a US state)
North Korea
Luton
North Vietnam
Prussia
Michigan
Ukraine
Belarus
Mother Russia
The Old Republic
Alaska
Canada
Romania
USSR
Uranus(spelled YO- UR* -Anus)
Chad
Denmark
Korea (If you listen to the old, grey suit wearing, balb guy on the posters)
Neptune
Germany (half-nazi half-communist)
Middle East
Communist Republic of Mexico and USA
Croatia
Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia (AKA: My-ass-adonia)
New USSR
California
New York
Iowa
China

Not to be Confused With

External links

The People's Project of Riverdale, an interpretation of the Communist Manefesto as written by a high school student.
Kremlin Fried Chicken

Political Parties

Communist Party ~ Decepticon Party ~ Whig Party ~ Independent Party ~ Predacon Party ~ Fascist Party

Labour Party ~ Conservatory Party ~ Lemon Party

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Not-quite-inhuman people:	Yakov Smirnoff – Leo Tolstoy - Fyodor the Not-So-Terrible – Piotr Illick Tchaikovsky – Yogi Berra – Anna Kournikova – Igor Stravinsky - Ayn Rand - Yuri Gagarin
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