Christian Science

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“If anyone needs me, I'll be making headlines from the bottom of a frying pan in Mexico.”

~ Jesus on Christian Science

“Debating creationists on the topic of evolution is rather like trying to play chess with a pigeon - it knocks the pieces over, craps on the board, and flies back to its flock to claim victory. ”

~ Charles Darwin on Christian Science

Godzilla, staunch advocate of Christian Science, pictured above attending Sunday morning mass. Though not Catholic, he can only attend services in large cathedrals.

Christian Science (also known as psuedoscience and "mumbo-jumbo") was pioneered by Christians, who felt that critical thinking and the scientific method were making them lose too much money. Thus, they promptly started a campaign to corrupt the whole process. Christian Science operates by mixing sweet lies with the horribly repulsive and bitter truth of reality. Reality is only depressing anyways and so really they're doing everyone a favor by making it more palletable. Anyone who says otherwise is a Left-wing Liberal Nazi conspirator.

[edit] What is it?

Christian Science is the search for and presentation of evidence in support of Christian Science. This is done by reading the Bible, taking various scientific and unscientific data (mostly the latter), throwing away the "evil" information, and then framing it all back within the context of the Bible.

[edit] The Christian Scientific Method

• Establish a prejudice.
• Find scriptures that support your prejudice.
• Ignore all scriptures that do not support your prejudice.
• Claim it is God's prejudice.
• Accuse everyone who disagrees with you of blasphemy. If that doesn't work punch them in the face.
• Garner the support of other Christians that believe your prejudice and take their money.
• Proclaim your ignorance!
• Shout at Richard Dawkins

[edit] Findings

This is how God's evolution really works

Christian Science has proven the following:

[edit] Creationism

This is the theory fact that the Earth really was created in six days, and on the seventh day God invented beer, potato chips, and football. Creationist scientists have proven that dinosaur and human fossils are all fabricated to trick people.

[edit] Young Earth Creationism

The Earth isn't actually as old as scientists say it is. Scientists lie because they hate God. Or God lies because he hates science. Or science is God because it hates lies.

[edit] Intelligent Design

This is the theory that you can get religion into schools if you don't mention most of the above and mention God only through the euphemism of 'intelligent designer'.

Both sides should be heard...

[edit] Circularism

Circular reasoning is completely valid because God is fucking crazy.The Bible is the word of God. How do we know? Because it says so in the Bible. How do you know the Bible is right? Because it is the word of God. How do we know? Because it says so in the Bible. How do you know the Bible is right? Because it is the word of God. How do we know? Because it says so in the Bible. How do you know the Bible is right? Because it is the word of God. How do we know? Because it says so in the Bible. How do you know the Bible is right? Because it is the word of God. How do we know? Because it says so in the Bible. How do you know the Bible is right? Because it is the word of God. How do we know? Because it says so in the Bible. How do you know the Bible is right? Because it is the word of God.

[edit] Hell

Christian Scientists have proved that Hell is actually at the center of the earth, along with God's car keys and the remote control.

[edit] Anthropic Principle (Christian Version)

This is the principle that everything has a purpose and a reason, and that reason is God always needs more money.

[edit] Natural Disasters

Homosexuals are the real reason for natural disasters and government failures.

[edit] Prayer

Prayers always work without fail, even when they don't, because they actually do, just not to you, unless you prayed for something bad, in which case it always happens to you.

Note: It should be noted that whosoever disputes the above findings will be repeatedly punched in the face by angry white southern baptists.

[edit] See Also

Oxymoron

[edit] Notable Christian Theories

• Intelligent Falling
• Intelligent Design
• Unintelligent Design
• Stupid Design

[edit] Notable Proponents of Christian Science

• Kent Hovind, traveling conman salesman lecturer nice guy.
• Pat Robertson, televangelist superhuman olympiad.
• Mary Baker Eddy, front woman for Satan.
• Satan, Lord of Darkness.
• Godzilla, fo' rickity realz, yo.

huh? im noting understanding your lack ?