Bruce Campbell
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- You may have been looking for God although you probably knew that.
“Good, bad, I'm the guy with the gun.”
~ Bruce Campbell on himself
“I hear, before the Devil condemns a person to eternal damnation in Hell, he must first ask Bruce Campbell for permission.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Bruce Campbell
“(Upon boomsticking his evil self after being called a "goody little two shoes" one two many times) - I'm not that good.”
~ Bruce Campbell on himself
“Damn you! I tried to grow a chin like yours and all I got was this gay beard!!!!”
Demigod, demon fighter, patron demigod of B-Movies and savior of mankind, Bruce Campbell is the love child of Sam Raimi and Hattori Hanzō.
“I heart Bruce Campbell”
~ The state of New York
“I once said, yes, Bruce Campbell IS the man. However, I was promptly slapped across the face by a passerby, who said "Nay, Bruce Campbell is MAN"”
~ Anonymous being who has since been comdemned to suffer for his transgressions on Bruce Campbell
Contents |
[edit] Conception and Birth
- The evils of the world were becoming too much for Jesus H. Christ and Hattori Hanzo to overcome. Even together, they could not defeat the growing darkness.
- Thus, they came up with a plan. They sought out the most powerful and righteous Japanese schoolgirl, (a young Kandreve Mitsubishi) and began a genetic engineering program.
- The resulting child had a mighty chin, so they named this newborn Bruce Campbell.
- They gave the child to a young couple of good morals so that he may be raised well and just.
[edit] Early Life
Bruce was raised by his adoptive father, John Campbell, the heir to a massive soup fortune, so young Bruce was exposed to the finest education possible. The couple still lives in Houston, Texas, where the young Bruce was raised.
At age 2, Baby Bruce Campbell destroyed the universe, and recreated it in only a day. Where it took God a week, and God did hail to the king baby.
At the age of 4, Bruce Campbell cured all known diseases, but then brought them all back because we wanted to.
At 7 years old, he entered college. He finished within a week.
At 12, he got his first driver's license, but there was a terrible accident and he drove his car into a brick wall. It was at this age that his true powers first manifested. He was able to transform his hand into a chainsaw to cut his way out of the mangled car. Just then, an army of zombies began attacking him. With his newfound chainsaw hand, he made short work of the undead.
It was then that he realized his true purpose in life: to be the savior of all mankind. He soon mastered the ability to not only transform his hand but also various other mystical powers, including time travel, pwning, and the ever famous coming up with really kickass catch phrases that people try to get right but never get it good enough to sound like the original.
When he was 18 he beat Chuck Norris' ass, because he (Norris) be's a little bitch.
I'm pretty sure he had a brother, too.
[edit] Teenage Years to Middle Age
Learning of his true heritage, he traveled the globe to seek out answers. It was along the way that he fought the legendary eight headed crocodile/vulture/demon, TangelaKitchenTimer. After he was victorious, he found a strange, sawed-off shotgun in the viscera of the creature. Its blasts roared like thunder and defeated even the most powerful monsters in one blow, including Hitler, Communism, and George Lucas. He named this mighty weapon the Boomstick. However, only Bruce's divine power could give it the necessary unlimited ammo.
Whilst living in Austria and evading the draft in 1968, he accidentally directed the James Bond movie On His Majesty's Secret Service.
As he approached adulthood, a terrible battle against the demon king Mark Gottleib occurred. At the end of the dramatic battle, Bruce was assumed dead, but he had only lost his memory. However, luckily for him (some would argue luckily for the world), he was found by the kind soul Sam Raimi, who nursed him back to health. Together, they made a series of movies based on the vague recollections of the amnesiac Campbell.
[edit] Adulthood
Bruce slowly recovered his memory, but he still balanced fighting evil with his career as an actor. He is currently undergoing training to recover his Viking skills, as well as filming a prequel to Bubba Ho-Tep titled Bubba Nosferatu: Curse of the She-Vampires. This is scheduled for an IMAX release in 2010.
His training is guided by his father, Hattori Hanzo, and he is joined in his apprenticeship by former foe, Tim Curry.
Due to his friendship with Sam Raimi, Bruce has made numerous cameo appearances in the first three Spider-man films. He can be seen amongst the crowd in many of the New York City scenes, and he is notably famous for reprising his role as Ash Williams from The Evil Dead in Spider-Man 3's climactic final fight between Sandman, The Night Stalker, and Venom. In the scene, Spidey teamed up with Bruce in Campbell's '73 Oldsmobile armed with a chainsaw and a shotgun and defeated the trio of evil.
This cameo in the third film of Ash Williams is speculated to be in preparation for his major involvement in Spider-man 4, 5 and 8.
[edit] Hobbies
His hobbies include women of all shapes and sizes, including your mother, as well as occasionally hunting giant robots, especially giant robot Hot-Rods, for sport.
He also enjoys fighting various demons and the undead. He prefers to convert succubuses using his mighty chin, rather than killing them. The succubus/MaRonite nuns mainly reside in a convent somewhere in Ireland.
One of Bruce's future hobbies will be destroying all opposition in the Ultimate Showdown. As foretold by an unknown being, it is predicted that Bruce will beat the shit out of all his opponents and become the Ultimate Victor, besting Godzilla and Mr. Rogers.
Another one of Bruce's hobbies is playing crazy eights with Chuck Norris and Mr. T. He also enjoys kicking the shit out of people who think they are superior to him, like Chuck Norris and Mr. T. (Mr. T is in fact, not superior, but equal to his greatness) On weekends, Bruce is sometimes seen at his house on the couch watching all six Star Wars movies at the same time; this is not because he thinks Star Wars is cool, but because Chewbacca is his homeboy.
[edit] Battles With Jay Leno
It is well known that Jay Leno is Campbell's arch-rival. They have fought for years about who's chin is mightier. This fighting eventually peaked in the Chin Wars which resulted in the deaths of hundreds, including k. d. lang and Peter Jennings. Leno's ego was also severely wounded and has yet to recover. Many believe it never will.
[edit] Powers and abilities
Bruce is renowned for his ability to fire solar laser beams of cosmic electrical energy out of his chin. His chin is also bulletproof; and can fly, severely pummel evildoers, read minds, hypnotize people, talk to animals, get a woman to take her clothes off in a second and is radioactive. This chin has been analyzed and studied by the finest scientists in the world, who have identified it as an Omega-Level Doomsday weapon capable of destroying all life on the planet. Apparently, the right side of the cleft contains the powers of positive things, like life, good, sex, chocolate and the films of Kevin Smith, while the left side of the cleft contains the power of evil, darkness, pain, vampires and Ms. Dalloway.
Bruce also once bit himself during the filming of The Evil Dead; this is what gives Bruce his magical power to emit invinciblity rays from his chin. Bruce Campbell is the only known person who can kill Chuck Norris, however this has not happened because Chuck knows Bruce's only weakness: book shelves.
He is currently writing his third autobiography, entitled The Left Chin of Doom, in collaboration with Alan Moore which has gone on a temporary hiatus due to Campbell being flung into the Marvel Zombies universe because of an accident involving The Necronomicon, a Playstation 3, and a cheese burrito wrapped in aluminium foil. As of this moment, he is attemptng to kill as many super-zombies as possible while attempting to pick up as many living super-heroines so they can 'give him some sugar' after.
[edit] Bruce Campbell Facts
- When Bruce Campbell goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
- The sun sets because Bruce tells it to, except in Alaska because Bruce doesn't like eskimos.
- He's the guy with the gun.
- Bruce Campbell eats cancer for breakfast and snorts AIDS at lunch time.
- Is the only living man that may speak the word "Groovy" and still appear manly and, quite frankly, awesome.
- Bruce has only one weakness... Book shelves.
- After many years of debate Crayola finally created a color called Bruce Campbell. Don't color outside the lines. For the sake of mankind!
- Bruce Campbell is awesome at Sudoku
- Bruce fucking loves pie.
- Along with Hanzo, Rosewater and Tim Curry, created the Holy Sandwich known as the Mayonkaizer.
- Often quoted by Duke Nukem.
- Prominently mentioned in the Haiku of Sofia.
- Allied with the nuns of the MaRonite Church, Campbell led them to victory over the Army of Darkness.
- Bruce was killed by Hudson Leick, but got better.
- Calls Chuck Norris on the phone in order to tell him that he doesn't NEED to have people make up countless lies about him on the Internet to make him look good and then listens while Chuck cries like a little girl.
- Saved the Bulgarian economy with The Man With The Screaming Brain
- Bruce Campbell once travelled backward in time to the time of the Mexican American War, known then as John C. Calhoun. The US Army reported 40,000 volunteers, but actually the number was 3: 2 men, and 1 John C. Calhoun, whose chainsaw counted for 39,998 men.
- Bruce Campbell nearly crushed Sam Raimi with his chin for eating his McRib.
- Bruce Campbell once saved dozens of people from drowning with his chin.
- It is rumored that if Bruce Campbell and Glenn Danzig were to lock each other in Mortal combat it would last for three eternities and a lifetime...and Bruce will win
- Is mortal enemies with Jay Leno, as of the fact they had an argument over whom has the larger, most awesome, chin. This argument resulted in the Chin Wars. While that war is over, there is still much hatred between the two.
- he is one of the four men who can out kill a Killer Whale
- The real reason Micheal Jackson looks like he does is because he messed with Bruce.
- has a boomstick
- Bruce shops smart, he shops S-Mart
- The only man whom ever slayen the chess dragon
- He shot JR
- He once beat Devil May Cry 1 AND 3... IN one hour... On DMD-mode... Including a 55 minute toilet break.
- This gentalmen once so highly angered kicked a mans gentinitals so hard it mad him sterle, thus creataing the "Brucesectamy".
More at: http://www.brucefacts.com/more.php?id=1
[edit] Rumors
Many rumors surround Bruce, particularly the theory that his DNA is similar to Elvis's; this is highly disputed by many.
Bruce Campbell is NOT the "third Raimi brother".
Bruce Campbell is voicing Smaug in the 2009 release of the Hobbit
Bruce Campbell is NOT getting married to The Hoff.
Bruce Campbell however, IS sueing Chuck Norris for stealing his true place as an internet meme.
While it is true that at one time Bruce Campbell could be summoned via a magical ritual involving a chainsaw, a shotgun, candles, a copy of the evil dead special edition that's shaped like the necronomicon, and an attractive woman reciting the magic words "Hail to the king, baby." Mr. Campbell got sick of being summoned by random people who wanted to see if it was true and now sensibly charges for his services.
Bruce Campbell was not actually in any, of the Evil Dead movies at all, seriously
Bruce Campbell is the estranged twin of Jay Leno, hence the chin.
See also: The Controversial Controversy
[edit] Famous Quotes by Bruce Campbell
~ Bruce Campbell on Spanish
“Shop smart. Shop...S-Mart. YOU GOT THAT?!”
~ Bruce Campbell on shopping
“Yo, she-bitch!”
~ Bruce Campbell on Oprah and Hillary Clinton
“Dear God, it's growing bigger!”
~ Bruce Campbell, also on Oprah
“It's a trick! Get an axe!”
~ Bruce Campbell on Undead Counter-Espionage
“Give me some sugar, baby!”
~ Bruce Campbell on Interpersonal and/or Sexual Relationships
“This is my BOOMSTICK!”
~ Bruce Campbell on Second Amendment Rights
“Name's Todd...Scheduling.”
~ Bruce Campbell on his greatest influence
“Could I borrow your face? My ass is on vacation.”
~ Bruce Campbell on His enemies
“Sure she killed me, but I let her kill me.”
~ Bruce Campbell on Hudson Leick
“Never, but never fuck with the king!”
~ Bruce Campbell on Elvis Presley
“Well, what do we have here? Another poster boy for birth control.”
~ Bruce Campbell on Harry Potter
“Name's Ash...(loads shotgun)..housewares”
~ Bruce Campbell on employment
“When ya get to hell, tell 'em Ash sent ya.”
~ Bruce Campbell on George W. Bush
“Well hello there Mr. Fancy-Pants”
~ Bruce Campbell on Elton John
“You ain't leading but two things, jack and shit, and Jack just left town”
~ Bruce Campbell on Saddam Hussein
“I'll blow your butts to kingdom come!”
~ Bruce Campbell on Frenchmen
“Who's Laughing NOW!?”
~ Bruce Campbell on Kotonoha Katura
[edit] See also
- Bruce Almighty - A documentary on Bruce.
- Bruce Campbell's chin
- Making up Bruce Campbell quotes
