Boredom

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“When I am bored I look at eunuch porn”

~ Oscar Wilde on boredom

A traditional result of boredom at the near-fatal level

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Boredom.

Boredom is an often misdiagnosed, often fatal but common disease found in many wealthy parts of the world. If you are reading this article, you are already experiencing early symptoms of boredom. Boredom has a range of symptoms, which may differ from case to case. The disease (Boredom) was actually genetically engineered in the 16 Century using the Olsen twins and brussel sprouts. It is believed that over 153 million people worldwide currently suffer from boredom. Many societal ills blamed on video games and popular culture are in fact caused by boredom, as was discussed by philologienne and dinosaur huntress Marie Curie in her landmark work Frankenstein, or, a Modern Narcissus in 1847. Since Curie's paper on the subject was so boring, her conclusions went unread until 2003, when a tenacious reader finally discovered the end of the paper. Curie's research was reprinted in a more interesting form in 2004, as part of the scholarly journal Chicken Soup for the Pacific Rock Sole, but the findings were attacked as "19th century bourgeois burqa-enforcing silver-spoon eugenics" and "A slap in the face to what used to be a perfectly snarky field of study" by spokespeople for the SPCA and the NRA (respectively). Other activists thought about joining in the debate, but all sides agreed to give up since the subject was so dull. This pathetic compromise and attack on scientific study was accompanied by self-satisfied chuckles all around.

[edit] Causes

The exact causes of Boredom are unknown, but are believed to include:

Working for Cornwall and Devon Media Ltd
Old people
Teachers
Illness
MATHS
School
Work
Not sleeping
Living in Ellesmere Port, Devon, Saudi Arabia or Indiana.
Sexual frustration
Snagging your penis in a zipper
Snagging your vagina in a zipper
yo momma
C-SPAN2(however, C-SPAN1= wonderfully delightful)
The Internet
Eminem
Boredom
The Man
[anyone named albert]
Daytime television
Creamed Corn
William J. Levitt
Wikipedia
Jeffrey Rowland
Maplestory
Work
peas
trips with relatives
winter holiday
summer holiday
Repeated exposure to the drone of whining co-workers and/or teachers
Lady Subaru
Ear mites
Creamed corn
Seeing that your shit is blue
LOL SPAMZORZ
Myspace not working
Myspace working
Polonium 210
Google
Potatoes
Politics
Al Gore
Condom machine failure
Nothing to do
Buttocks which were accidentally adhered to a chair, sofa, recliner, throne, notebook, banana, ceiling and/or a car door
Titanic
Onion overdoses
Self referential items in lists
paid programing
Uncyclopedia
Candle Scented Candles
Long car journeys
Microsoft
A night at Micheal Jackson's house
Black and white films
Mass murder
WoW (with the capital letters please) after character creation
Sitting in the dark like an Emo
Prison sentences
Being bored
Lack of Uncyclopedia
Toast
Teachers who ramble on about the amount of rainfall in different cities for an entire hour till it gets to the point where the girl next to you scribbles "Kill Me?" on a piece of paper and passes it to you.
Masonary
Being sober
Runing out of bud

[edit] What is Boredom?

Boredom is a type of brain disease that can strike at any time. Bored is often confused with board. Little research has been done on boredom, but supposed causes of the disease are known colloquially as boring, and a victim of boredom is said to be bored. Boredom is most prevalent in suburban areas, though it is known to occur elsewhere.

[edit] Habitat

Climate and location do not seem to affect boredom, which has shown the ability to exist anywhere that humans can. It has been postulated that boredom reproduces and thrives in libraries, but this idea is regarded as puerile and superficial. Boredom has been documented underwater, where it caused a group of researchers to give up looking for "Amelia fucking Earhart", (who we'll probably never find anyway), and even in outer space, where the absence of stuff appears to provide an ideal habitat for boredom.

[edit] Effect on Humans

The main effect of boredom on the human body is a tendency towards inactivity, a condition which may take hold of a person for as little as a few minutes, or as long as an entire lifetime. This simple state of being "bored" may lead to all kinds of complications. While boredom itself is a nonfatal disease, when a person is bored his or her brain is weakened and more often susceptible to more dangerous ailments such as Stupidity (Morbus Stultissimus) and Grammar (M. Verbosus). Boredom has severe effects, it has been tied to other disorders. If you or someone you know is suffering from boredom, contact your Scientology Space Opera House immediately. Many people when bored have a sudden hurge to look at online porn. This is more common in females though.

[edit] Symptoms

Symptoms of boredom are as diverse as its victims. A general lack of interest is commonly cited as a universal symptom, but that may also be caused by a drug addiction. Be careful when trying to treat a boredom sufferer, for he or she may be bored and such a person can be irrational and dangerous. Look for these common symptoms:

Being so bored that you feel the need to tell people reading up on boredom (who are probably bored themselves) that you are far more bored than they are, and that you are actually eating a ham sandwich and looking up french whilst watching the news. You may also feel the need to point out that you are also adding to the page, so you are carrying out at least four of the symptoms of boredom. You are also likely to point out that you have successfully eaten your jewellry and know plenty of useless facts about Susan B Anthony which makes you far more BoReD tHaN AnYoNe ElSe.
Interest in the French language
Listening to Yoko Ono
finding various hair styles
having conversations with animals
A strange obsession with either the word: TOMATO or CHEESE or even ONIONS. (also classed as mental retardation)
Attempting to eat your jewelry. (This is also classed under INSANITY)
Checking the news
Watching the x-factor.
Searching random words on the internet or in a dictionary.
Being even slightly interested in boredom.
Looking for something that will keep you unbored
^duh^
Reading this page
going on MSN every so often to see if anyone has come online yet...
Interest in the life of Susan B Anthony
Doing random useless things, such as tYpInG iN aN aBnOrMaL FaShIoN!1!
Unpleasant numbness
Actually doing homework
Fatigue, which may cause one to fall asleep on one's keybbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb
Searching Boredom in Uncyclopedia
A desire to test certain types of strange drugs
Either over compliance or disregard for authority
A sense of negativity
Reenactment of video games/civil wars
Interest in fashion
Actually finding out what Aglets are
When you start to measure the velocity at which your lips move when you yawn by holdin g a stop watch in your hand with a scale in the other .
Reckless endangerment of life
Going for long walks on the beach
Conversion to Nihilism
An ob$e$$ion with money and how to get more of it
Frequent use of headphones
Being in angst
Webmastery
eating lots of pie and then dying
reading what will happen if you don't register on this website
writing about what will happen if you dont register on this website
writing about not using punctuation in the last sentence's don't
staring at things
looking at a table
putting things on a table
thinking of things to put on here
listening to something your friend is listening to even though you don't like it
pooping from your ears
talking to my dog
sitting in a chair
not registering on this website even though i am slightly worried about the IP Address thing
just realizing that the last sentence i wrote was the longest one i've written in this article besides the one i am writing right now.
putting a star before all this symptons
putting full-stops after sentences
not knowing what to add to this list
adding whatever i think to this list
realizing that that last two sentences match in length but i cannot be bothered counting the letters to see if they actually match in character amount length
not really knowing what yourself is talking about and talking in 3rd person
correcting someone else's punctuation

not bothering to add a asterix to the beginning of this sentence

knowing what a asterix is
knowing when to use an instead of a
knowing how to write an omega and alpha sign α and Ω
making this list immensly long
using the word immense
using bb-code
using hyphens
thinking hyphen rhymes with python
giving up on this list right now. and using a full stop.
Frequent trips to see one's friends
Over-diagnosing yourself in an attempt to wane away the negativity you believe yourself to be afflicted with
Conversion to metric
Interest in Uncyclopedia
Uncontrollable urge to watch Final Destination
Excess Ham sandwich eating
Insufficient Ham sandwich eating
Conversion to Islam/Judaism
Actually adding to this page
The motivation to write the following passage, taking up Uncyclopedia's bandwidth: I am bored, oh very bored. So bored infact that i will solicit other users to add to this passage. boredom is fun, so fun infact that it isn't fun and will make me use a complete lack of punctuation and capitalization ah so bored the boredom makes me write absurd things. Absurd things I write. it is so borng that I will writ bad and not use punctuation to see if it is funny. It's not funny and I'm still so very bored. I'm avoiding doing even more boring things, but it's still so very boring.
reading the passage above
Having an absurd obsession with CHEESE.
Getting this far down the page
Death (by cliff diving)
playing pong for mutiple hours or until hand falls off do to extreme carpletunnel
Watching the "Suite Life Of Zack & Cody" with your eyes stapled open. (Also can lead to eternal death).
bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb
The urge to add "hilarious" captions to otherwise somewhat bland photos of cats
Trying to find the message in your cheerios
Playing a game in which Mario is a part
Actually hating "Ned's Declassified Emo Survival Goth".
Fucking Ashley Tisdale in Antartica, while you should be fucking Vanessa Hudgens in Siberia.
Sitting on the toilet for extended periods of time, even though you ran out of ammo a long time ago
authentic is not a big word.
having a sudden urge to read the dictionary
trying to outstare a cat
obssesive urge to burn things
giving in to the voices in your head
trying to find any kind of shit you can download from the internet
forgetting to spell
not being able to think of any symptoms of boredom
denile
actually listening
snooker
George Bush suddenly starts making sensible remarks
forgetting why you hate the french, american, russian and scottish
the sudden unrelenting obsession with the lives of celebrities
l_3412/\/1/\/G l-l0\/\/ 7\/\/0 1234l) 7l-l15 JU57 133(4U53 Y0U 1234l_l_Y 4123 7l-l47 130123l)
Taking the time to write the last sentence out in the middle of your first period class
Reading uncyclopedia in first period in the first place
Violence
actually reading through this entire list

This is to avoid my homework this is sad. But as for a boredom philosophical debate: is almost everything we do in life just to avoid boredom? Is boredom close to the bottom of the pit in terms of negative human emotions? Can one spiral way, way down from too much boredom? And if so, is all this suppression of boredom healthy? Can boredom ever be avoided? In whatever situation, it seems as if boredom is inescapable, with the drone of other people's voices and your own getting very tiresome and even boring, as one would say. Maybe even philosophy and math and science and art came out of the boredom that we frequently experience. If so, is boredom a must for us, even with its link to negativity? They say that life is not always a basket of roses. But will it always be so BORING?

Actually finding out about phobias like hippopotomonstrosequippedaliophobia
Wanting to smell your penis
Fantasizing about Ann Coulter
Playing Pokemon
Humping a pole
Hey look, a butterfly >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
constant daydreaming

For you, yes.

this is your brain on boredom.

[edit] An "Insidious Pandemic"

Boredom has grown from a few million victims in 1926 to nearly fifty times that today. The startling spread of the disease is believed by many oenologists to have been caused by Jane Fonda, who they claim brought back the exotic disease from her trip to hobnob with communists in Vanuatu. A growing number of conversitologists argue that it is the other way around, and that boredom is indigenous to North America, and it was we who introduced it to the Vanuatuans. i am so bored right now

Boredom is believed to have been developed into weapon by the United Spades Government, and it may be that it is being forcibly induced in its populace because of its numbing effect on the brain. Social critic and anarchist Ashlee Simpson alleged in her 2004 pamphlet Letters from Baikal, with her distinctively subtle prose:

"لا احب ان اسافر الى فرنسة اليوم لان تخرجت من جامعة الدجاج"

Simpson herself was found to be a chronic boredom victim, and all of her statements were discredited, and her writings summarily burned.

The most mysterious figure in the boredom conspiracy is a government agent and television personality code-named London Marriott. Marriott is rumored to be responsible for spreading a massive amount of boredom and causing the recent outbreak of 2003, but nothing else is known of him (or her?)

[edit] Treatment

No consistent treatment has worked to combat boredom, the story that it can be remedied by excitement has recently been dismissed as an old wives' tale, fully discrediting the theory because of old wives' known involvement in the boredom outbreak of 1983.

Boredom is a human illness and therefore can not be transferred through sexual intercourse with cats. The only anti-poison is writing for Uncyclopedia.

Update: Alcohol is now known to be the cure for boredom...but is only effective if you are juggling four balls and riding a unicycle at the same time

Directions: take alcohol before a meal of a salmonella infested 'meat' kebab with too much hot sauce

Side effects: waking up with your best friends girlfriend/sister/your best friend with a sore head/arse

Newer Update: Crazy Frog is also a cure for boredom.

Directions: Go on YouTube, search Crazy Frog, hit play.

An Even Newer Update: youknowwhatelsehelpscurebordome...CAFFEINE!!!!!!!

Side effects: Insanity, head asplosion, excessive kitten huffing

An Update From The Future zombies have been announced as a leading cure for boredom!

Directions:Find zombie, piss zombie off

Side effects: death, headcrab, boredom, more death

[edit] See Also

	States of Existence
	Alive \| Awake \| Crunk \| Asleep \| Semi-Conscious \| Half Dead \| Half Live \| Dead \| Being Dead \| Dreaming \| Dead but dreaming \| Bored
	Drunk \| Stoned \| Handicapped \| Comatose \| Undead \| Born again