Black hole

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This page is about black holes in space. For the gizmo, see Black hole (product).

Black Jesus be down wit' dis sheeeet!

Yo Yo Yo! Wut' it iz mutha fucka! Black hole iz like da bomb.
Fo' shizzle my nizzle!
So boi wut up? Y U B frontin? I'm down wit' Black hole like im down wit' da big G-man.
U dig? If u aint I'll show U how my pimp hand is way strong. Kick yawl down 2 tha H-E-L-Lizzy.
Best chickity-check yo self before you wiggity-wreck yo self, fool. Word.
SOLID

“I can make a black hole with my left pinky, and I'm right handed!”

~ Chuck Norris on creating black holes with pinkies

“They suck more than I do”

~ Jack Thompson on Black Holes

“Black holes are simply where I decided to divide by zero”

~ God on Black Holes

“That's crazy”

~ Mr. Replier on God's black holes

“It's a hole that is black”

~ Captain Obvious on Black Holes

“It's a hole that is white”

~ Captain Sarcasm on Black Holes

“Falling in is bad for your health”

~ Captain Understatement on Black Holes

“How long before you let me go?”

~ Matthew Bellamy on Black Holes

“Originally, Black Holes were known as 'Gravaitationally Collapsed Stars'”

~ Steven Hawking on Gravaitationally Collapsed Stars

The Truth of the "Black hole!"

A Black hole is an impossible object which makes the Universe work. It has the useful property of being "undetectable". It's like when your spouse comes home with a dent in the car, and blames it on an invisible black mass; the dent is proof of the black mass, but you can't, and never will be able to see it with CCTV cameras, but you know it's there. "Dark matter" is an equally undetectable force that causes cars to defy gravity, and hit invisible black holes. Astronomers will tell you that lots of them have spouses with dents in their cars, and can explain this is very technical terms, so you won't be able to understand why it's not possible.

1 Black Hole
2 The Secret of The Black Hole
3 Jurisdictional limits
4 What are the benefits of knowing The Secret?
- 4.1 Are you ready to Know
- 4.2 Black hole types, how to find one
5 Creation Of a Black Hole
6 Trivia
7 Make Your Own Black Hole
8 Mathematical theory
9 References
10 See Also

[edit] Black Hole

A black hole is a body in space which is so large and so dense that nothing, including mosquitoes, can escape its gravitational pull. This body would have to be 500 times larger than the sun at the same density, or if the sun was compressed to about three meters in diameter. In theory, the gravity around either body would be so great that it would pull objects to itself at a speed greater than light, and according to Einstein, the universe would a splode. Luckily, this will never happen because black holes, like Black Jesus, don't really exist. Another theory is that matter is stuck in an infinite loop when inside a black hole, so you would never know you were in one. They are also a surefire place to experience Zen, Nirvana and loss of appetite.

Sorry, the camera-man got too close.

[edit] The Secret of The Black Hole

For ages, the question exists, what is the true meaning of universe? Why are we here? What is the purpose? However, The answer has always been in front of our eyes, but maybe we were just a little too busy to see it. Remember, for many years people believed that the world is round, but belief that it is flat existed much longer. It was so hard to change beliefs, that they even burned someone. Nowadays, we can be much more open minded, and have better understanding of universe, life and existence.

[edit] Jurisdictional limits

Black holes are restricted by law to enter in the states of Alabama, Louisiana and Missouri

[edit] What are the benefits of knowing The Secret?

Total control of black holes. Any kind of them. Creating them on any surface. Using them. Opening minds and draining contents.

[edit] Are you ready to Know

Now, it is The time for The answer.

Black Hole is the one and only (despite chesney hawks claiming that he was the one and only). However, it has many faces (or holeyness types). You may think about it as unsignificant astronomical name, but in fact it has much deeper roots in this world. Without a signle black hole, humanity, and even more - civilization, would not exist today. Weather it is creation, life, water, birth, flight, music, sewer - everything has some hole involved, and it is ussually black. You may have regarded it's existence as simple fact, forgeting holy aspect of it and living in black ignorance. However, it's not late to fix that: just be aware of it all the time, and it will bring joy and wonder to you life (again).

However, it's worth to noting that such type of hole is non-sucking by default. In other circumstances, it may suck badly, especially if there is a pump involved.

[edit] Black hole types, how to find one

Black holes can be clasified by what they are used for (with no particular sucking order).

[edit] Black hole in space

A balck hole is the only way Frasier will get sucked off.

The most sucking (and known) black hole type. Scientists curentlly try hardly to create one or two ^[1]^[2], small ones. If you are reading this, they have not succeeded yet. To correctly identify a black hole, you must wander the universe aimlessly. When you are sucked into a black hole and are immediately ripped apart by the gravitational force, you will have found it. Other than this, there is no other way to find a black hole.

[edit] Food and drink

Springs are known to be the oldest type of water-producing black holes. In recent ages, however, mankind used idea of black hole for pipe design, to transport various fluids over it (like water). Any food, when eaten, is processed by series of tubes and pipes, which happen to be at core of humankind survival.

[edit] Music

Many music instruments have holes in them, of various sizes. Others have pipes involved. Additionally, to hear any sounds, you need ears, which (coincidentally) have holes (black) in them too. They appearently do not produce any sounds, just suck them in.

[edit] Man Holes

A man hole is a body in space which is a usually falls under us. They have a usual knack of taking things down when the actor of a movie is running at speed of light after a useless thing, the uselessnes of which he only recognizes later on. Man holes moreover ingest all the things other than Man (which they should do, they're goddam named so). Unlike other holes which don't allow anything to get out, these backstabbers spew steam all the time.

[edit] White Holes

A white hole is a body in space which is so small and has so little density that nothing, including light, can come near it. It has a gravitational pull of -C, or the opposite of the speed of light. This is sometimes referred to as anti-gravity.

A white hole, as captured by the Hubble Telescope.

A common philosophical question is this: What would happen if a black hole and a white hole collided?. Many scientists (with mail order degrees) have agreed that they would cancel each other out, creating Tom Cruise (who has no personal gravity) in the process. White holes, unlike Black holes, do exist. They are to be taken seriously. In fact, a white hole was spotted by the Hubble Telescope in year 2000. The most recent theory on why the dinosaurs became extinct has a lot to do with a white hole. This was also confirmed in a recent interview to NBC by the Buzzard Comet.

[edit] Creation Of a Black Hole

The creation of a black hole is the result of an all night drinking binge of Bruce Campbell. Bruce is known to drink more than ten billion times his body weight in beer and then has to take a tremendous leak; said leak rips a hole in the universe which creates a black hole. Try thinking about it this way; you gather enough iron (total mass greater than that of the Earth) and then condense it into roughly the size of an atom (meaning that when you get the right size, you will be dead). Using the homemade metal crushing machine you built in your basement, you would have to find a better way to condense iron better than any machine can. Once you do, however, the death will be indescribably painful. You will probably implode.

[edit] Trivia

If the period (full-stop) at the end of this sentence was a black hole, you'd have been taking drugs for way too long.
It has been theorised that black holes are in fact the original homeland of the grue.
Black holes are smaller than a woman's brain, but contain nearly as much crap.
Chuck Norris has a pet black hole.
Black holes now are to blame for 99% of lost socks, due to the amplification of their gravitational powers behind furniture.
It also ended the life of everybodies favorite guy.... Jesus.

[edit] Make Your Own Black Hole

So far there are only a few known ways to create black holes in the comfort of your own home....

Mixing Pepsi and Coke
Searching Google in Google
Strapping a piece of toast butter side up on the back of a cat and dropping it out a window
Putting Halo into a Playstation
Opening Facebook and Myspace simultaneously
Trying to find the light switch in the dark.
Transmit Comcast through satellite
Punching the universe really, really hard with bricks superglued to your fists.