Bizarro Jesus

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“This guy scared the white out of me.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Bizarro Jesus

“This is God speaking. That is all.”

~ God on Bizarro Jesus

Born at around 70 AD, Bizarro Jesus was created by Buddha in an attempt to restore the cosmic balance back to a state of neutrality. The exact Yin to the Original Jesus's Yang, Bizarro Jesus was the complete polar opposite of our true Lord and Saviour (though, strangely, not the anti-Christ). While not evil per se, Bizarro Jesus' singular aim was to follow Jesus' life, but taking the dark path instead of the light one, there by bringing harmony once more to the universe. Physically, he looked just like the Original Jesus, except he had no beard, just a goatee moustache taken from a (willing) goat.

Oh, and he had blue skin as well

[edit] Bizarro Jesus, a Life in Bullet Points

• Was born following the miracle of 'un-immaculate' conception (knocked up by three biker on a pool table)
• Studied to be an insurance salesman
• Turned wine into Urine
• Never ever went on and on about his dad...not even once!
• Repelled many potential followers with his ill-received Sermon in the Ditch
• Lasted about 20 minutes in the desert before magiking up a bean burrito
• During the last breakfast he got drunk, and slept with the waitress
• Had a few more suppers afterwards
• Served some time, got out and got back on track....for a few hours
• Sold out Bizzaro Judas to the Romans for a laugh

[edit] The Many Marvellous Miracles of Bizarro Jesus

Eat this, for this is my flesh.

• Turned water into urine and drank it, saying cryptically, "This cup is the new testament in my blood: this don't do ye, as ne'er ye drink it, and forget of me."
• Brutally murdered 5000 people and fed their remains to two loaves of bread and a fish.
• Walked underwater
• Gave people leprosy
• Tripped the blind
• Set up payday loans at the Temple; ("This is a house of bargains!")
• Killed Bizarro Lazarus; ("He killed for your sins")
• Knew everything
• Threw rocks at people
• Turned chalk into Meth
• Got the Holy Spirit drunk on his own Holy Spirit while in a "Too Drunk to Funk" T-Shirt
• Keyed your car and slashed your tires
• Has followers who actually aren't annoying
• Is a Satanist

[edit] Bizarro Jesus Quotes

"Judge not lest ye feel like buying me a pint"

"You were Right! I learned it from watching you!"

"Cursed are the freaks, for they shall become performers in circuses."

"Whatever happens, no one say anything about Chuck Norris."

[edit] External Links

• An incarnation of Bizarro Jesus appears in the webcomic Minimalist Stick Figure Theatre