Berlin

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“Ich bin ein Berliner”

~ Oscar Wilde on Die/Das/Ihren Berlin

“Reunited and it feels so good...”

~ A German on Berlin Blockade

“First we take Manhattan then we take Berlin!”

~ Al Qaeda on Manhattan and Berlin

Berlin is the capital of Germany. Whether or not Berlin is actually a country is a well debated fact. For a while, it was also the capital of most of the rest of Europe, but we all know how that worked out. It's also the home of the great motha's of Rammstein. Cheers to you guys! You rock!

[edit] History

Berlin's most famous landmark is Checkpoint Charlie. It was here that President Kennedy made his famous remark 'Vive le Quebec!'

Berlin was first called Alphaville and was founded by Germans in days gone by. Later, they named their settlement Berlin taken from the song "Summer in Berlin" by the Utopian group Alphaville, to avoid confusion.

In the year -37 B.C., most of the buildings were stolen by greedy Nicaraguan rebels, and were used in the construction of the capital of Babylon, until King Leonidis lead 315.3 spartans in the famously televised "Pillaging of Portugal"

In more recent years, Berlin has been the centre of the global zeppelin network, which is the basis for all world commerce. It is also the centre of the largest pornography industry outside of Japan. Moral: lose an important war, and you become a pornographer.

Berlin suffered greatly during World War II, when the Western Allies dropped pamphlets all over the city. In April 1945, the city was taken by the Soviets, just as the war ended. The Red hordes, insensitive as ever to endangered species, weren't satisfied with just raping all of the inhabitants and decided to move in. The Soviets made themselves right at home, bringing their strange traditions with them, living almost exclusively on a diet of whale meat. In the end, they decided to use the detritus of their cooking to mark the boundaries of West Berlin. This structure was known as the Baleen Wall, and like other Soviet creations demonstrating their architectural genious and eye for art, everyone was afraid to tell them that it looked like shit. Still, most acknowledge that it was a noble attempt to reinvent the dated "Great Wall of China" image and give it a kick.

Now the wall is gone, so people can go for a stroll without the need for ladders.

Before Germany had united, the East Germany and West Germany had a lot of arguments over taking custody of Berlin. Several long and grueling wars were fought to determine its status, spanning nearly thirty years, from 1958 to 1988. As the Soviet Union began to collapse, Ronald Reagan came to Berlin and finished all the commies off...execution style...with his fists and strong economic policies.

[edit] Tourism

Pleasant atmosphere attracts many tourists, especially from Poland and Israel

There are many interesting sights in Berlin including, but limited to:

• The Berlin Lederhosen, Pumpernickel, Bratwurst, Tuba, Beer and Scheißeporn Emporium - for all your German stereotype needs.

• The Brandenburg Gate - Have you seen that show, Stargate? The Brandenburg Gate's like that, except it just leads back to Berlin.

• The Reichstag Building - Bring your own marshmallows and frankfurts!

• The Bismark Memorial - Pilgrims place gifts of pickles and schnapps at the feet of the statue of this great man, in the hope that his ghost will cure them of Austrians.

• The former East German Parliament House - It was from the steps of this historic building that Nikita Khruschev made his historic speech I am not a Berliner, and neither is Kennedy, who does he think he's fooling and you, yes you, the blonde in the fourth row, what are you doing tonight?

• The Quaint German Sex Pervert District - I tell you, the more straight laced they look, the more straight laced they ain't.

• The Berlin Airlift Memorial - Comemerating the occasion in 1906 when Berlin was lifted into the air and transported all the way from India.

• The Famous Germanic Cafes Doenerkebap on Kaiser Wilhelmstrasse Hitlerstrasse Stalinstrasse Kaiser Mingstrasse Tuerkenstrasse.

• Berlin is home to the Blitz, one of the premier teams of the MLB. During the 1940s, the golden era of Major League Bloodbath, millions of spectators across Europe saw the Blitz play.

• The justly famous Berliner monument, consisting of a large, jelly filled donut. The population of West Germany was astounded to hear President Kennedy's historic announcement that he was a popular confectionary treat. They turned to each other and said, "That American President, he's not so smart is he? He just said he is a donut. Maybe the Russians are a better bet- they may be Commies, but at least they aren't delusional." The grateful German population erected this monument to Kennedy's ineptitude. It is kind of stale, but they keep it around because stupid American tourists will still pay good money to see it.

• There are a lot of smugly self satisfied "expats" from America who are here working on "important" (but rather vague) "cultural" projects, i.e. unlistenable "dance" music, unreadable books, piss poor poetry, etc. The German word for these people is "Lebenskünstler (in)". They are actually not all that interesting, to tell the truth and it is probably best to ignore them in the hope that they will go back to whatever Godforsaken dump spawned them.

• The Berlin Metro famously extends to Paris and across the English Channel to London, making it the world's longest system. Its ornately decorated stations will take your breath away, leaving you as most Berliners are: dead on the inside.

[edit] Killer Robots

Whilst otherwise a pleasant tourist destination, Berlin is known for the large number of giant killer Nazi robots hidden in it during the final days of the Third Reich, programmed to seek out and kill American superheroes. If you see one of these robots, stay calm and make sure you are at least fifty metres away from Captain America.

[edit] See also

• Checkpoint Charlie
• Berlin Wall
• Germany
• German
• Nazi robots
• German language
• beer
• Bavaria
• Prussia