Baby

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You may be looking for Baby food and not even know it!

Winston: Honorable, but incredibly vain

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Baby.

“Apparently, Eve from the bible was never a baby, she was one of Adam's ribs... i was made from a penis!”

~ Detective John Kimble.

“These things can't be used to help people! Thats just wrong!”

~ Fundamental Christian.

“We were all once babies.”

~ Captain Obvious

“Apparantly I was a baby once.”

~ Oscar Wilde

“Shit, I don't know, just cut it in half or something. ”

~ King Solomon

“This baby can take temperature of up to 9000 degrees!”

~ Slippy on Baby

“Goo Goo Ga Boo!”

~ Baby on Baby

Babies (also known as behbehs in some areas of Boston) are parasites that attack the belly of a female. The first baby was invented in an Iowa afterschool enrichment program by a severely left-handed eleven year old named Bryson. The original plans for the first baby were never discovered, although common knowledge says love with a lady causes the creation of another baby. Nowadays, many people make a living off of creating babies, such as soul musicians. This profession is know as grafadishcomptenhiemology, unlike the origin of the name, which is not known.

1 The Problem With Babies
2 True Facts About Future Babies
3 Pregnancy
4 Birth
5 Feeding
6 Baby Language
- 6.1 List of baby words
7 Children
8 Known facts about babies
9 See Also

[edit] The Problem With Babies

It has been proven many times that babies lead to psychotic dictatorships, mass murders and centralized government propaganda.

Hitler as a baby.

100% of criminals were once babies
Hitler was once a baby
Joseph Stalin was once a baby
The creator of Wikipedia was once a baby
Your mom was a baby
Jesus was a baby, but his birth defies the laws of, uh, birth.
Other white meat...

[edit] True Facts About Future Babies

By the year 2020, scientists have determined that babies will be manufactured in factories. This was determined after research showed that 50% of pregnant women from 2010 to 2019 would supposedly give birth via pods. That situation was easily solved after a new addition to the Constitution, declaring that "all women musteth noteth haveth sexual affairseth with foreign objectseth and/or lifeforms frometh a place not of God's glorious greeneth bounty." These factory babies have demonstrated very unusual characteristics, one such, the ability to poop in rainbow colors. This is just the first of many. The most amazing however is the ability to "unpoop" which will ruin the diaper industry. These babies start on an assembly line, so now when kids ask where babies come from, the answer will be easy, "a factory." Problems within the factories however will result, such as pointing the baby shooter at factory workers and walls. This may seem not so bad at first, but you have to realize that the babies are exiting the line at 184-190 miles per hour. Ultimately this will cause the population to soar, and cause the number of children superstars buy to sky rocket into the thousands.

[edit] Pregnancy

“I was pregnant once, or twice... I'm not really sure. I think I lost some of them. ”

~ Britney Spears

Pregnancy is a process in which a women becomes twice the size she is normally, usually associated with carrying the baby in her stomach. If she becomes twice the size after getting married, quitting her job and becoming a ‘homemaker’, it is commonly suggested she is not pregnant, but the ‘father’ has merely been taken for a sucker. Normal pregnancy takes place over a period of nine months, and is split in to three trimesters.

This is a sonogram of a real birth in the first trimester.

[edit] The First Trimester (the ‘How the hell could this happen’ stage)

It is normal not to have told close relatives and friends about the pregnancy at this point, as society requires you to still be incredibly embarrassed. The woman can get a little tetchy at this point, but this can be perceived to be quite endearing. Intercourse at this stage is fine, but usually avoided, as both parties are still a little concerned another catastrophic event ~~will~~ may come of it.

[edit] The Second Trimester (the ‘Shit – she’s huge!’ stage)

In this stage – the baby bump begins to show. It is normal for the father to continually doubt his actions (and occasionally the paternity) in this stage, as the mother’s mood swings are uncontrollable. Intercourse at this stage is highly encouraged, as the unborn baby fights the sperm in a ‘Bride vs. the Crazy 88’ type scenario. This is very good for the baby’s health after birth.

[edit] The Third Trimester (the ‘Why the f**k won’t it come out?’ stage)

At this point, frustration rules over both mother and father, as they are fed up of the whole pregnancy, and incessant fussing of strangers. Intercourse at this stage is not recommended, as the challenge of the sperm is not sufficient for the much bigger baby, and it will attempt to attack the penis, occasionally resulting in complete loss of the glans.

It is important to note that at any point during this process, if the baby is unwanted, an abortion or antbortion (for the descerning customer) can be performed.

[edit] Birth

“When this baby hits 88 miles per hour, you're gonna see some serious shit.”

~ Dr. Emmett Lathrop Brown on this baby

They're against you from day 1

When the baby is perceived to be mature, it will aim to move into the outside through the vagina. This is not favourably viewed upon by the mother, but is the only revenge the father will get for the way that she has behaved over the past nine months. The mother farts the baby down from the stomach into the vagina whilst the father laughs. The doctor pulls it out and puts it on to the mother’s stomach. This is ironic, because if the father had done something similar nine months earlier, nobody would have got into this mess. Intercourse is certainly not advised at this stage.

After the trauma of birth, things are made considerably worse for the parents as they have to look after the baby. It is completely incapable of performing activities of daily living for itself. It is also too young to qualify for state benefits, and so the burden of responsibility falls on the exhausted mother and irritated father.

After birth is the best time to harness a babys' energy. Babies' blood is the #2 source of fuel and energy. The #1 source is disney magic. Currently babies' blood is used to power most calculators. Scientologists are experimenting with this new fuel as we speak.

Some babies don't quite make it through the development process correctly. These babies are too ugly to be loved, and have to be either chopped into recyclable pieces for making new babies, or are compacted into paper

Note that childbirth is a particularly disgusting process and should not be viewed by anyone.

[edit] Feeding

No... feeding the baby...

“Get In My BELLY!!!”

~ Fat Bastard on Babies

Babies require feeding everyday. They will generally only accept milk (which this writer believes is a little fussy for something that can't provide it's own food). This can often come from the mother’s breast, although this issue can cause controversy. One young mother was arrested on the Main St of a small town in the South for breast feeding, as it was thought she was performing a despicable act of pedophilia. She was later burned as a witch.

Many deaths have resulted from feeding babies the wrong foods, such as Pop Tarts, sherbert and wood. It is advised that any changes in a babys' diet is passed by a doctor before implementing. This because they are nosy bastards, and could report you to the authorities.

New studies also show that nine out of ten babies prefer meth to milk. Our scientist say that it is clearly unknown why they take meth, but some people say "'Cause crack's a pussy drug."

[edit] Baby Language

Babies contact each other in little gurgles that only they understand. Most of them are early rants, cries, and world domination plans to defeat the rest of the human race. Encourage them, play with them. You used to speak it. Feel those evil and dark plans deep inside your hideous head? There they are.

It should also be noted that babies are not anywhere near as stupid as they look. The months of shitting their own pants, putting their dinner on their heads and babbling utter crap are merely a clever disguise so the government are unaware of their plans for world domination.

[edit] List of baby words

Peekaboo!!! - Translation: The time of attack and bloodshed is near! (This usually makes them laugh with glee.)
Waaaaaah!! - Translation: Give me more food or I will so rip your head off lowly adult scum!(This of course makes the adult do whatever the baby wants)
DA-DA - Translation: I demand to speak with the Russian consulate at once!
googoo - Translation: (babies covert ops war cry) meaning indiscriminate slaughter among the giants!!!ne serite vise

--- extended "Goo-goo gah-gah": The vast resources necessary to effectively end the adult oppression are, unfortunately, overly difficult for our diminutive bodies (and poor channels of communication and co-ordination) to effectively and efficiently procure.

Gaa! - Translation: Full speed ahead Mr. Chehkov! Engage!
FUCK YOU DAD - Translation: GET THE FUCK OUTTA MY FACE BEFORE I SHIT EVERYWHERE

[edit] Children

After a few months of breast-feeding, babies are transitioned to the bottle.

Children are the products of babies (babies are only the products of children after improper education.)

Generally, children are naïve little souls. This makes them incredibly easy to manipulate and lie to. This makes the perfect candidates to be used as tool for evil doings and unenjoyable day to day duties.

Children enjoy playing games, it is through these games they are their most vulnerable. Even the most brutal tasks will be carried out, with little fuss and bother. It is said Gary Glitter was a master of this technique.

They can also be used as projectiles. This is handy for two reasons:

1. You are in a midget throwing contest, yet you have no midget. Children are similar in size and properties, and thus hard to diffrentiate to judges if they happen to be blind in both eyes.

2. Bear attack. Throw the child, and run. The bear will go for the easier target.

[edit] Known facts about babies

For couples that can't conceive, boxed babies are available from many high street stores

“As for the complaints about baby shaking, I don't see the big deal. I mean, if you don't shake them, they don't bake uniformly.”

~ George Carlin on Babies

Babies are an easy way to paint a room, provided they are thrown hard enough. It is advisable not to feed them beans before this, unless you like your room painted a messy orange.
Babies also make a cheap roofing material, provided they are sliced thinly.
Babies don't come with a free hershey bar when they are born, contrary to popular belief.
Babies lack the necessary motor skills to propel themselves via two legs, and therefore crawl or roll to get from place to place when unaccompanied by an avian delivery animal. In recent years jet propulsion has become a popular third option.
Although cries usually range between 190 and 300 decibels, cries of over 500 decibels have probably been recorded. If so, the general public will be in the dark about it for a while, as in extreme cases, the sound produced by a baby causes large amounts of internal hemmhoraging and harmonic resonance, responsible for failures in electronic equipment, including tape recorders. Michael Jackson's father soon picked up on the idea and founded a well-known and revered murder syndicate known as the Jackson Five.
The importance of the assembly you are attending is directly proportional to the amount a baby will scream and whine.
Baby flesh is said by many to taste like chicken, although, as a noted gourmand, Dr Spock himself often likened it to lightly poached quail in a subtle vinegar dressing. It has also been reported that babies taste delicious with chocolate and whipped cream.
Hillary Clinton is known to have a penchant for eating "baby burgers."
The lethal dosage of many narcotics in babies, such as cocaine, is unknown. Scientists are very eager to learn this information, and are always willing to accept your children as test subjects. Hey, if you're going to make an omelette, you've got to break some eggs... and kill some babies.
Babies can be used as armour or "meat shields" and could probably absorb the impact of most calibur bullets. However, when you ar using this protective measure, it is wise to bring sanitary napkins.
When exposed to energy drink Powerthirst babies are shown to have the ability to run as fast as Kenyans. If the baby is a Kenyan, they temporarily metamorphosise into the Flash.