BDSM
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“Be a Darling and Sing for Mummy?”
~ Oscar Wilde on yes of course I know what BDSM stands for!
“Oh yeah, baby, I've been a bad boy. Take away my commit privileges, yeah...I'm such a naughty boy”
~ Theo de Raadt on NetBSDM
“God loves us all and made us all perfect, and gave us the right to chose between good and evil. However, if you ask my opinion, someone should kill these freaks.”
~ Friar Johnes on CNN today: the Communinst legacy
“Torture me, please!”
~ A true masochist on BSDM
“I won't.”
~ A true sadist on the above
“I'm a bad flooten-boy-glooten....”
~ Hermann Goering on the above
BDSM is an acronym of "Bloody Disgusting Sexual Manners". Though the practice has been known to exist for centuries(De Sade wrote about it quite favorably in his time), the expression was coined by gentlemen of manners during the late '60's. These respectable elders were shocked by the upsurge BDSM enjoined in those days, as rebelling youths turned their eyes to the last bastion of decency and social order, the master bedroom. Convinced that such things as romance under the sheets, consensual sex and pleasure applications that actually did fit where just another straightjacket society imposed on them, they embraced BDSM as the highway to sexual liberation.
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[edit] The Philosophy
BDSM operates on the philosophy that sex is not the perfect synthesis of two human souls, but the basic carnal drive that makes people put up with the other sex. Any other view on sex would be a debasement of our evolutionary roots.
[edit] Psychological Aspects
As previously stated, anyone who enjoys BDSM is an open minded, well rounded, highly intelligent Democrat, and damn good at what they do.However, Damn Dirty Pervert Disorder (DDPD), also includes other sexual disorders, such as homosexuality, heterosexuality, bisexuality, heterosexuality, looking up the skirts of sheep and anything that results in syphilis. Unfortunately, professionals thought that the only cure would be placing the patient in a straight-jacket and giving them repeated electroshock therapy. After several unsuccessful trials, it was observed that the patients loved the treatment; in effect, the doctors had made the problem worse. All patients were released into the unsuspecting public, so now we have to deal with the influx of damn dirty perverts.
[edit] Roles in BDSM
[edit] Dominant/Top
Male tops can always be identified by their wearing of leather waistcoats and being a wimp despite their "status."
[edit] Submissive/Bottom
[edit] Switch
A switch is a person that can (and will!) serve as a top or bottom when needed, sometimes within the same sexual encounter. This is the most severe sort of DDPD and is entirely uncurable. They are the most immoral and the most pervertedestestest person you'll ever meet. Switches are also immune to most forms of attack and so conventional warfare is useless. If you have the misfortune to encounter one, curl up into a ball and wet yourself or play dead. The switch might sniff you or mount you, but will probably lose interest and walk away. Then again, they might drag your supposed corpse on top of them or attempt to place a whip in your hand.
I guess you're just screwed if you encounter a switch.
[edit] In Space
If you are in space, there is no up or down, exactly the same as Gillette Mach 3 Turbo. You can't be on top or on bottom. There are no female astronauts anyway.
[edit] Practices
BDSM includes a variety of practices, from the nearly mundane to the extreme. Some common practices include:
- Being cuffed with handcuffs stolen from a police officer
- Getting a spanking with a shark-tooth whip.
- Being tied up by the top and waiting patiently while the top frantically searches through a Boy Scout manual, looking for the proper knot to hold the ropes in place
- Watching reruns of The Dukes of Hazzard
- Once tied up, the top will go get a sandwich (usually peanut butter and jelly); frequently, the top will eat this in front of the bottom and not even offer them a bite
- Listening to the in-laws discuss their views on Christianity
- Reminding the bottom of the time they wet their pants in the second grade
- Having hot wax from one of those overpoweringly scented Yankee Candles dripped on sensitive areas. Sometimes a bikini wax will follow.
- Looking through the bottom's high school yearbook and making fun of their dorky hairdo
- Whipping while the bottom fantasizes that Catwoman or Indiana Jones or some other skilled practitioner is doing it
- Telling the bottom they look fat in that outfit
[edit] Diagnosing
[edit] As a Disease
Liking BDSM isn't a disease, but it turns on bottoms if you tell them they have a disease so sometimes it is referred to as one. Generally it is considered that bottoms have the disease of Sado-masochism, but tops don't. They just like to beat the snot out of people.
[edit] Picking out Pervs
More often than not, lovers of BDSM are very intelligent, successful, charismatic, and turned on by handcuffs. Or whips. Studies show that people who like BDSM are pretty much better than you in every way, except, of course, that they are pervs. People who are into BDSM are everywhere--probably due to a contaminated water supply. Your roommate puts on high heel boots and pantyhose and ties himself up while you're at class, anyway, so get used to tolerating it now.
[edit] In Popular Culture
Madonna was looking damn fine in "Human Nature", where she sported bdsm wear. The song, however, really sucks. Beyonce Knowles was also looking damn fine in "Green Light" where she wore latex and ballet boots. However, the trombone solo took away anything good about the song. Percy Grainger, a composer in the early 20th century, was a Sado-masochist, so that's what everyone remembers him for.
[edit] External links
- SMPlace.com - BDSM Forum
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