Ash Rectum
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“He's pretty fly... for a white guy.”
~ Charmillionaire on Ash Rectum
“A great pokémon trainer, and an even greater douchebag.”
~ Fox Network representative on Ash Rectum
Ash "Ass" Rectum (1978 - 2008) was a famous pokémon trainer, renowned for his popular tv-shows, and for capturing such rare pokémon as Dickachu, Erectrode, Methkip, Bonersor, Charmillionaire and Koffing 2.
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[edit] Early life
Ash Rectum grew up in Mullet Town, where he lived with his mother, his hermaphrodite brother/sister - Barry Sue, and his pet badger Felix. At the age of ten, Rectums badger suffered from rabies, and killed Rectums mother before getting shot down by a nearby SWAT team, who was having tea with one of Rectums neighbours. Struck with grief, Rectum swore to become the a pokémon master - the very best, like no one ever was. To catch them would be his real test, to train them was his cause.
Over the next five years, Rectum traveled far across the land, searching far and wide, each pokémon to understand the power that's inside. What he didn't know, was that his brother/sister Barry Sue, was following his every step, wanting to claim the title of pokémon master for himself herself itself. It did not succeed, and after reading a sign saying "Free pie down this dried out well", met its demise a hundred feet below ground. Little did Barry Sue knew that the sign was placed there by Team Cockit, who also is completely irrelevant to Ash Rectums story. (An interesting note is that even though Team Cockit had very little to do with the actual antics of Rectum, the animé based on his life incorporates a similar group, known as Team Rocket, as a vital part of the plot.)
Then, on a fateful june afternoon, a little past 16.30, Ash Rectum stumbled upon an injured pikachu. He nursed it back to health, partly thanks to his man milk, and by an unknown chain of events, the pick n' chew evolved into a dickachu. Some people speculate if it might have had something to do with a certain type of stone in Ash's pantaloons, although this has not been confirmed.
After the capture of this legendary creature, Rectum received increasing interest in the media. He soon got his own sponsor, who worked hard to build up his image as a quirky country guy with a passion for pokémon.
[edit] Rise to fame
With his name growing increasingly famous by each passing day, Fox Network decided to give Rectum his own show. This show was titled Catch 'Em All, with Ash Rectum, and became an instant hit. During the course of the show, Rectum captured several myth ridden pokémon, such as the forementioned Bonersaur and Koffing 2. The latter being a regular koffing, but with twice the methane gas. The final episode centered on Rectum successfully capturing a Charmillionaire, something no one has ever managed before. Charmillionaire has explained this by telling that he found Rectum "pretty fly for a white guy".
The show would usually center on Rectum lecturing the audience about a famous pokémon he was trying to catch, then moving on to intense footage of Rectum wrestling, teasing, or just plain throwing things at the pokémon. Rectum soon became a cult figure, with such famous catchphrases as "Cricket!", and "Look at the level of that! What a beauty!".
Catch 'Em All went on the air for four seasons, over a period of three years, and spawning several spin-offs, such as Poké Files and Hey, Look! It's That Wacky Pokémon Trainer Again!. Everything seemed fine and dandy, but a darker side of Rectum was slowly developing behind the scenes.
[edit] The fall of Rectum
For a long time, people had speculated about the sexuality of Rectum, as he had not once been seen with a woman. The rumors were confirmed in the year 2000, when a sex tape of Rectum ,a bar of soap and several of his pokémon was leaked onto the internet, possibly by Rectum's Psyduck. Rectum denied that the person shown in the tape was him, and soon developed a heavy drinking habit. Following the sex scandal, Hey, Look! It's That Wacky Pokémon Trainer Again was pulled off the air, and Rectums appearances in media became fewer and fewer. His alcohol problems would soon turn into drug abuse, and gossip magazines gloated over pictures of a worn out Rectum outside pokémon brothels, or yelling at random strangers on the street. It was during this period Rectum uttered his famous quote about Dickachu: "I used my stones to evolve that yellow little bag of useless guts into a strong and beautiful creature. You know what I mean, loverboy."
After completely disappearing for almost two years, in 2005, rumors began to circulate about a new season of Hey, Look! It's That Wacky Pokémon Trainer Again. This was to be Rectums great comeback. The reactions to these news were mixed. Some people meant he should have stayed low after all the scandals, while others looked forward to seeing the once so popular pokémon trainer back on the air. The new season premiered at June 22nd, 2005, the same date as Rectum had captured his famous dickachu, almost twenty years ago. The reviews were almost entirely negative. A few samples include:
“The worst comeback since... well, a really bad comeback.”
“I once lost a bet with a couple of my friends when I was 19, and I had to eat the excrements of an ostritch. This was worse.”
~ The Washington Post
“Will that guy just shut up and die already?”
~ A random guy we found on the street
“Maybe this wouldn't be so bad if that bitch Rectum didn't constantly shove his dick up that mouse's ass!”
~ TV Guide
[edit] Death
Desperate to get more viewers, Rectum decided on a bold task. He would attempt to ride his bonersaur into a pack of wild Mr Mimes, while reading an essay on clowns' superiority to mimes. Broadcasted live on national television, Rectum rode to his death on top of his erected pokémon. The Mr Mimes, now raging, trapped Rectum in an invisible box, where he starved to death after a couple of days. Surprisingly, his sensational death managed to redeem him in the eyes of the public. A memorial statue was raised on top of the box, and fans over the whole world came to say their goodbyes. His funeral was broadcasted over the whole world, and a representative for Fox Network was known to have said "There goes a great pokémon trainer, and an even greater douchebag. May he rest in peace".
A few weeks after his death, Mr Mimes were found all over the country with their gloves cut off. Many people speculated if this was an act of revenge, but so far it is still unconfirmed.
[edit] Rectum in popular culture
- The popular anime Pokémon features a character named Ash Ketchum. This character is based on Rectum to a certain degree.
- A movie about Rectum's life is also being produced, entitled Ash Rectum - The Rise To Glory. Mel Gibson is claimed to be playing the main character, with Danny DeVito as Dickachu, and Adam Sandler as the badger.
[edit] See also:
- Pokémon
- Dickachu
- Charmillionaire
- Poképhilia
- Ash
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