Alberta
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“Hello, please, eh?”
~ An Albertan on Alberta
“I like Edmonton, in THAT way!”
~ Albert the magic pixie on Alberta
“The reason why our taxes are low and our house market is cheap[1] is people are desperate to live here.”
~ Alberticans on Alberta
“They like oil almost as much as they like hockey.”
~ Captain Obvious on Alberticans
The North American Bitumen Emirate of Alberta, (so named for its unique relationship with the South American Bitumen Emirate of Venezuela) the Texas of the North, its primary exports are oil, beef, and beef oil (a form of biomass), making it extremely wealthy. This makes it a prime target for invasion once the US is done with Iraq and Mordor.
It is currently under the occupation of Canadian nationals, although severe resistance from the inhabiting rednecks of the Alberta Nationalist Armed Lynchers (A.N.A.L) and ecological movement activists Lovers United for Better Ecology (L.U.B.E) has been raging for years.
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[edit] Fast Facts
- Provincial Flag: Conservative blue flag with some mountains and wheat and grass.
- Provincial Capital: Still not Calgary
- Provincial Anthem: Alberta Bound
- Currency: Oil, Canadian Tire Money, Trucks[2]
- Time Zone: MST
- Provincial Slogan: "Shoot, Shovel, and Shut Up" -or- "pray to us, for we are the lords of oil and gas"
- President of the Conservative Republic of Saudi Oilberta: Ed Sixpack
- Provincial Holidays: January 23: Stephen Harper Day
- Founded: The Year Of Our Lord (Alberta is synonymous with "Jesus")
[edit] History
Alberta was created in a bill that congress passed (Yes, Canada is secretly owned by the United States) as the GET RID OF ORPHANS CLUTTERING UP POTENTIAL COMMERCIAL PROPERTY Act. This act gave a legion of orphans the power to make where ever they decided to settle the 51st state as long as they left before a Wal-Mart was built over their orphanage. Although originally destined for somewhere in Asia, the new settlers got tired of walking and settled in what is now Alberta. This turned out to be a bad idea as most froze to death in the first week. The god Rudyard Kipling took pity on the survivors, and in addition to keeping them alive, fathered Billy, te first god king of Alberta.
Under the rule of the divine monarchy, the new state of Saudi Alberta flourished. With a sudden influx of people resulting from Congress sending anybody it found inconvenient there, Alberta had the workforce it needed to become an economic power. The great achievements of this time include the building of the Rocky Mountains and the discovery of bitumen, which can be refined into mako then materia.
The unexpected success of the new state caused great concern in Congress, which created many laws to keep the Alberticans in check. When Congress imposed a cattle embargo on Alberta, Alberticans declared independence in the famous document The Declaration of Manningfest Destiny.[3] The war for independence was short, with the only notable event being the Battle of Alberta. Here, the Albertan light mounted infantry (The Flames) and royal marines (The Oilers) defeated the Amerikan Clinja forces.
Peace and prosperity didn't last long in Alberta, as the distant nation of Canada was set on taking it by force. This was eventually accomplished by the elite mercenary group Social Credit, which either killed or forced into exile the descendants of the divine monarchy. The Canadians then installed an evil necromancer to control the new territory from the new citadel of Deadmonton.
The brutal tyranny of the necromancer continued for many years until the return of King Ralph, last descendant of the god kings of Alberta. King Ralph challenged the necromancer to a drinking contest at The Cecil and won the independence of Alberta. Although Canada still asserts its right to annex Alberta, Alberticans don't care because King Ralph has greatly reduced the number of zombie attacks. The only nation to recognize the Divine Monarch of Alberta as its sovereign ruler is United Spades of Amerika.
[edit] Geography
Alberta is frigidly cold land (although most of the cold is in Edmonton). Is located approximately in the country known as Canada. It is entirely peopled by refugees from the civilized world, originally searching for a land of plenty, opportunity and freedom. By process of elimination working west from Newfoundland, most scholars have determined that the land the settlers must have been looking for was Japan, when they were suddenly stymied by the appearance of the Rocky Mountains.
[edit] Major Cities
Calgary, being the biggest and most likely place in the world to be sexually molested by a horse, is largely a place for pretentious oil tycoons. Calgary is now seen as the world's leading manufacturer of self-absorption, ignorance and THUNDER BABIES, 400 babies. In fact with the over abundance of THUNDER BABIES produced by Calgarians daily, they have solved famine problems in Africa by donating fertilizer. This is not to say that the other city doesn't matter. Edmonton is located also in Alberta, so while the reproductive duties are taken care of by that stud Banff... Edmonton takes care of the organization of THUNDER FECES functions of the province, frequently over working to compensate for its "ULTRA CAPPED brother" Calgary (AKA the real capital of Shallow AKA the place that looked nice until they built Calgary). Sometimes Edmonton lets Americans and Torontonians get right inside it's self without lube, and this puts the whole of Alberta at risk of contracting HIV. Most recently, a study conducted by the Centre for Centers concluded that there is quite possibly nothing lamer than the city of Edmonton. This is the root of all anti-Edmonton resentment. Red Deer, Lethbridge, and a couple of others, not that anyone cares. And you can't forget Fort MacMurray, filled with more Newfies than a NAMBLA convention. Calgary is most famous for having a lot of pornography stores in close proximity to lube shops. You make the call.
[edit] People
The people of Alberta are commonly known as blue-eyed sheiks. Be nice to them or freeze in the dark, Eastern Bastards. As a steadfast rule, Alberticans can best be described as Atomic Supermen, who usually find the fact that their neighbors to the east and west can't even lift their own cars extremely funny. The most famous celebrity in Alberta is a comedian named Preston Manning, he's a redneck comic who jokes about Eastern Canada and makes racist and sexist comments in a Jimmy Stewart voice.
In spite of their traditional hatred of easterners, bit by bit, Alberticans are slowly being assimilated by oil workers from Newfoundland, who seem to drink a lot of beer, talk funny, and impregnate Albertican women with alarming regularity.[4] This promises to do wonderful things for the as-of-yet rather bland Albertican culture. Most people in Alberta choose to live in wigwams or igloos while wearing sporty man made parkas. The building material of choice is mainly ice and snow packed into a very hard structure. The only problem with this is that the sun usually melts most homes and buildings causing everyone to go into mass panic. Soon there will be snipers on top of these crumbled buildings (also known as snow piles) cursing the sun's name.
[edit] Politics
Alberta grew continually throughout the 20th century, filled with those who have their heads in the clouds but their pitons back at home.
Until 2006 the kingdom of Saudi Albertia is ruled by a shadowy figure known only as King Ralph, popularly acclaimed for his re-introduction of flogging in 1995. In December of 2006, however, King Ralph was overthrown by Ed Sixpack, whose sole election promise was to never get drunk and throw things at homeless people. In spite of these election promises, he still won, mostly because there was nobody else to vote for.
The people of this province continue to look forward to The Stampede, the day when Alberta will separate from Canada. However, there is a hope that countries like South Korea will help the separatist movement. Representatives from all towns and villages in Alberta shall each drop a lit match down a manhole of the capital, Ed-too-many-men-ton. This is expected to ignite Alberta's vast petroleum reserves, and launch the entire province - dirt and dream - on its outward quest into the stars.
[edit] Footnotes
- ↑ Actually $100,000 higher than the national average
- ↑ But only if it's either "Jacked Up" or "For Hire"
- ↑ Named after the famous Oilbertan, Preston Manning
- ↑ Studies have shown a frequency close to nine months
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"Alberta, the only place where you'll find two million hicks working in a tar pit like hobos one day, and still doing it the next"
